Category Archives: Mental Health

Complaisant

if you try to please everybody, you end up pleasing nobody

Unless you are a sociopath or a narcissist you will tend to want to make other people happy.  If you are in a romantic relationship you will tend to want to please your partner.  If you are a child you will tend to want to please your parents, teachers, and just about every other adult you interact with.  There are exceptions; we all have bad days when we couldn’t give a fuck, there are some people we don’t care about at all, and there are some other people we dislike so much that we are at the other end of the people-pleasing spectrum.

And then there are those of us to get sucked into the role of a people-pleaser, continually doing what other people want us to do, always saying yes when we should be saying no, and trying to find ways to ingratiate ourselves with people who take us for granted.  We become the epitome of a people-pleasing fool because there is something in our past that made us eager to please someone in authority over us, (and / or someone we loved), for the sake of our own safety, sanity, or just because that was the only way we would ever get any attention or affection.

For a lot of my life I was trapped in the role of a people-pleaser, because my feelings of self-worth were so low as to be almost non-existent, and I was always looking to others to validate myself.  My self-esteem was whatever other people told me it was, and that was doubly so for women I liked and / or was in a relationship with.  I was a prisoner.

Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.  ~  Lao Tzu

Once someone consciously or subconsciously realises just how much they are being taken for a fool, then they have some chance of escaping that submissive, subservient, complaisant role.  And, other people will not like that at all.  I stopped being a people-pleasing serf a little while ago, and some said a lot of unpleasant things to and about me.  Yet the people who truly cared for me were happy for me, and encouraged me to go on steadfastly walking the true warriors path of independence, courage, confidence, determination, and kindness.

Some say they exist to please their master / mistress.  And that if they didn’t take care of everyone else in their life, then who else would?  All I know is that you can’t please everyone, so you’ve got to please yourself.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

just because she enjoys being submissive doesn’t mean she is someone’s doormat

Admitting to Being Wrong

failure consists of redoubling your efforts when you have completely forgotten your goal

The most pernicious word in modern English is denier  ~  as in climate change denier, coronavirus denier, BAME denier, God denier, and worst of all Holocaust denier.  I know all about denial, having lied to myself for years about being socially inadequate and denied having a drinking problem.  But I could never have accused anyone of being an alcoholism denier.  That does just not make sense.  Calling someone else a denier is merely to show up the fact that you yourself are closed-minded, have no logical basis for whatever opinions you have, and are totally unwilling to listen to arguments that run counter to your own dogma.

Basically, you are not prepared to ever admit that there is the slightest possibility that you could ever be wrong.  In that case, who the fuck do you think you are?  God?

Everybody human is wrong some of the time.  Sometimes we are mistaken, sometimes we are ill-informed or misinformed, sometimes our own inner programming is flawed, and sometimes we believe in something just because we want to.  Notice that I said believe in and not believe.  Those who use the word denier believe in things rather than believe the arguments and proofs that support a given position.  They will never, ever admit that they are wrong.

Surely it’s time for climate-change deniers to have their opinions forcibly tattooed on their bodies.  ~  Richard Glover

I learned that really listening to other people was an essential part of being a better man ~ sometimes other people’s opinions and beliefs are better than my own.  I learned that there is probably no such thing as absolute truth.  I learned that when I was wrong, promptly admitting it was essential for my mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

There is no better test of a man’s integrity than his behavior when he is wrong.  ~  Marvin Williams

There is a principle in 12 step recovery programmes; ‘Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it…..’  Really that does not go far enough, perhaps it should go on to say;  ‘…..and changed our behaviour accordingly…..’

No person who ever calls another man a denier will ever admit that it is they who are wrong.

Some say that to deny that total lockdown is the only way to deal with the coronavirus is to risk the disease running rampant, causing megadeaths.  And that any opinion other than their own is emphatically false.  All I know is that I have been wrong in the past, and no doubt I will be wrong again in the future.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

so busy fighting off the alligators you’ve forgotten you are supposed to be draining the swamp

The Snake In My Head

you cannot fix something if you don’t know it’s broken

Each and every one of us is programmed ~ what we think, what we believe, how we behave, what we like and what we dislike are automatic responses, programmed reactions and actions buried deep in our subconscious.  Our conscious minds only govern what we do about 10% of the time, and most of the time what our conscious minds do, think, and feel is based on all that stuff way down in our unconsciousness.  So, if you are scared of snakes, it isn’t a conscious thing, it’s actually a primeval race-memory so far down in your subconscious you don’t even know it’s there until the first time you come across a serpent.

If you have problems in your life, if you can’t handle certain situations, if you keep lurching from one disastrous relationship to another, then you are not consciously doing that on purpose.  A string of dysfunctional relationships in your past, and the likelihood that you will repeat the same mistakes over and over again in the future, means that there is something dysfunctional with the tapes in your unconscious mind.

The scary thing is that all that programming, all of your beliefs, behaviors, and opinions were put there before you were seven years old.  The adults in your life; your parents, your wider family, older siblings, teachers impressed their thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, habits, and prejudices upon your unformed mind while you were still a child.  And there was nothing whatsoever you could do about it.  Ergo, if you are a borderline alcoholic, drug addict, a heavy smoker, or obese ~ it’s not all your own fault.  If you’re promiscuous, dishonest, and continually finding yourself in toxic relationships, then that’s not completely your fault either.  It’s because you were taught all those things when you didn’t know any better.

Before I was five years old I was taught that women are lying bitches, and that men who have anything to do with women are bad.  I was taught that sex is nasty, dirty, and wrong.  I was taught that love is meaningless, that interpersonal relationships are always toxic, and that sex outside of marriage is a sin that will send me to hell.  I know who did that to me.

It took me right up until a few days ago to realise this, to truly know what was broken in me.  Right up until a few days ago my life was dysfunctional, I was unable to have a stable relationship, I couldn’t ever be truly open, honest, trusting, or loving.  My life was toxic.  I drank to much to escape the way I always acted and reacted.

If that is anything like you, then look deep within to find out what is broken in you.  Then, when you know what’s broken you might have some chance of fixing it.  Be like me and kill the snake in your mind.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

it wasn’t all her own fault that Red Riding Hood liked wolves just a little too much

Knowing Me

a man’s main task in life is to know who he is
and then to know who he can become

For most of our lives we were who other people told us to be.  ‘Be a good boy…..’ my parents told me.  ‘You will have to work harder than this…..’  my teachers said.  ‘You need to put in more hours…..’ my bosses ordered.  ‘You should dress differently….. my ‘friends’ advised.   And unconsciously I made the choices to do what I was told.  Eventually, some of us were unlucky enough to make the unconscious choice to go along with whatever we thought our girl / significant other / partner wanted.  In becoming what other people wanted us to be we stopped making our own decisions, our whole reality became skewed, and we lost ourselves.

In my life I’ve made a lot of bad choices because I didn’t know who was, didn’t know what I wanted, and didn’t know who and what I wanted to become.  The good choices I made were all logical, dispassionate, intellectual ~ if I could weigh it, measure it, or count it, then it would work for me.  The bad choices were all emotional, based on desires, gratification, wants, and lusts.  All of those choices turned to dross.

A while ago I made the conscious decision to be myself, and that meant throwing away a lot of crap, in fact it meant throwing away almost everything of who and what I used to be.  That’s OK because it’s easier to build something from the beginning than it is to modify something to try and make it work.

Dare to be what your best self knows you ought to be; dare to be a bigger human being than you have ever been.  ~  Norman Vincent Peale

Some say that when people change promises are broken.  And, that if you insist on going your own way, then you will go alone.  All  I know is that I will be myself, no matter what.  I will decide for myself just who I am and who and what I want to become.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

this was part of who I truly was and am, and other people didn’t like it

Nothing is Real

reality is an illusion, albeit a very persistent one

the monsters inside your mind

There are facts, there is useful information, and then there is how we act and react.  Your husband / wife cheating on you is a fact, but how you think about that, how you feel about it, how you react to the infidelity is all up to you.  The past is filled with facts, but the future is merely an illusion until you create it.  Faced with something horrible like your loved one cheating on you people can go one of two ways; #1 spiral down into dark emotions #2 accept it and move on.

Faced with the fact that something real and terrible happened we have choices.  We can let it ruin our lives, become a resentful alcoholic, or just curl up and die.  Alternatively we can make some positive decisions, such as forgive or get a divorce.  But the most positive thing one can do after a disaster in our lives is accept it, make the best of it, think of it as part of life’s rich tapestry, and move on.  Your future is merely an illusion until you create it.  If you let something fester and create character defects in your personality, then you are ruining your future.

There is a thing called disaster shock, and it’s why people do strange things in strange times.  Disaster shock applies just as much to bad news as it does to surviving an earthquake.  Disaster shock applies just as much to getting a divorce as it does to being shipwrecked in a hurricane.  There are two types of people in this world; the victims and the survivors.  It’s an attitude of mind.

After something horrible happens we can either choose to die, or thrive.  When I quit my career, got divorced, lost my home, and ended up broke I chose to let the dark side take over my mind.  I stopped doing very much of anything except watching TV and drinking.  That wasn’t the worst of it.  I let negativity and resentment become my way of life, and that was what truly ruined my life for a while.

I am better than that now.

Do not deny the past, nor hide from it.  Accept the past and make the best of it.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

the monsters in your mind

will kill you more certainly

than the werewolf at the door

Writing While Intoxicated

write in haste, repent at leisure

the wreckage of relationships

How many times have I wished there was an unsend function on emails?  How many times have I published a blog post and gone back to trash it a few days later?  And, I have lost count of the number of times I’ve made telephone calls while intoxicated, or chatted with people when I shouldn’t have.  Perhaps telephones and computers should come with a built-in sobriety check like they are thinking of fitting to new cars.  Or, perhaps I shouldn’t look to technology to make up for my own stupid mistakes and failings.

I just trashed a couple of my latest negative blogs, which is easy to do but doesn’t undo any of the hurt they may have caused.  And, I read through my emails over the past few days, and repairing any damage I’ve done with those is going to need a lot of careful thought.  There is no unsend function on email systems.

Reality says that everyone has a darker side, the part of them that suffers from a lack of self-love, the inner demons of character defects, that deep dark cellar that mostly imprisons the ghosts of the past.  With most people that darker side stays hidden for most of the time.  With me the dark side has been set free far too often in recent weeks and months.

There are a myriad of excuses.  Like the whole world is going to hell in a handcart.  I’ve been lonely and alone under lockdown in the garret for months.  I could have had better parenting…..  The bottom line is there is nobody to blame for my mistakes except me.

Years ago there was one common theme running through my school reports and career assessments; ‘…..an excellent year.  But he could do much better if he tried…..’

I am going to have to try to do a lot better in future.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

my Mr. Hyde has been set free far too often

and my elixir is alcohol

Marmaduke Monday

though soulmates aren’t looking for you, they will find you

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jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

home at last

Marmaduke is an adventurous bear

Random Jottings ~ Insanity

insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result

~

‘you’ve got to be insane if you think I like abandoned railway yards’ she said

he could tell she wasn’t best pleased with their day out

~

he was happy because he didn’t know what the hell was going on

~

nothing is foolproof for a sufficiently talented fool

~

he didn’t suffer from insanity, he was very happy being crazy

~

he knew it was a win-win situation

she won and he didn’t

~

‘FUN!’ she said, ‘this isn’t FUN!’

‘what’s next on your agenda, the creepy crawlies of the fucking snakes?’

he could tell she didn’t really like the outdoors life

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

‘just lock me up and throw away the key,’ he said

and so that’s what she did

Mister Cellophane

you can look right through me, pass right by me…..

This is a little sadder song than the Sammy Davis Jr. I posted earlier today, but perhaps this fits my mood better.  From the movie Chicago.

Please listen with a little charity.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

perhaps this is the way I feel today

shipwrecked and alone, counting the days

Mister Bojangles ~ Sammy Davis Jr.

got a song, got a dance, got to dance

This song is cheerful, but not too over the top.  I need a little light music, just to lift the doom and gloom that’s pervading England like some pernicious thorn forest.  Feeling very down and out, so could really use some company today.

There is no sign at all of the very strict lockdown being lifted here.  We can’t even visit friends.

This song and dance is for a very close friend.

Please listen with a smile in your heart.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

at least Marmaduke hasn’t left me

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