black and white thinking is a bar to recovery from any addictive behaviour
black and white thinking causes me extreme problems
I have a serious mental and emotional problem called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which comes with all kinds of nasty symptoms, including a much higher risk of suicide than the general population. (Statistically I have about 1000 times greater risk of attempting suicide than the majority of the population.)
Another nasty symptom of BPD is called Splitting, or more colloquially Black and White thinking. For me things are either very good, or totally bad. This is much worse to live with than you might think ~ for example I tend to think as women as either a Goddess, or a Slut with nothing in-between.
Intellectually I know this both stupid, nasty, and unfair, but emotionally I’m trapped in that loop. Similarly I either think of myself as a really good guy, or a worthless jerk ~ depending on how my chaotic emotions are running at the time.
It goes much deeper than that. Life is either really worth living, or I may as well end it all
Splitting, or black and white thinking means my emotions also go to extremes; love and hate, desire and disgust, stone cold sober or blind drunk. My memory is either perfect or false with paranoid delusions.
This weird all or nothing mind-set also means I suffer from something called dialectics,, which is all about metaphysical contradictions. My life is all about contradictions and extremes, which is
fucking terribly difficult to live with.
Some say that black and white thinking is the brain’s attempt to achieve perfection. And that if things were truly black and white we would not be using all of our mind’s capabilities. All I ask is why do I go to such extremes?
either a goddess or a slut,
or bot at one in the same time?
My melancholy soul matches the grey sea
Haunting music of the wind, wave counterpointed, grey sky echoed
Frames the seascape seascape bowl with solitary figure walking
A lonely man struggling, changing but ever the same
The loneliness of a beachcomber
borderline personality disorder is a serious mental illness
I have been acting like a jerk in recent days, but it isn’t really my fault. I suffer from an untreated mental illness that has given me false memories and paranoia. Borderline Personality Disorder really needs intensive and specialised therapy, which I am never likely to receive because of the cost.
So I am suffering, and so is everyone I care for.
The thing is, I’ve upset the few friends I have, and I don’t know if I can get it back again, make amends, or be forgiven.
I can only hope.
I guess that time will tell.
losing yourself means accepting what others think of you
in your bad dreams
in your worst nightmares
in dark desolate loneliness
when all seems lost and hopeless
be yourself because there is no one else
in the starry, starry night
be yourself ~ there is nobody else
your dark dream returns out of love
For some reason I have hardly ever remembered my dreams for a long while. I would like to say that I haven’t been dreaming at all, but I don’t think that’s even possible. I’ll come back to that point in a while. Yesterday morning I did recall the vivid dark dream I had, and I remembered it well enough to describe my dream to a close friend.
Me, wandering alone, in a desolate landscape. It was not some desert, nor an icy wasteland, the desolation was very near and all around where I lived as a young boy, in a coal mining village, in the North East of England. Spoil heaps, abandoned railway tracks, neglected and rusting machinery, an abandoned quarry….. I think I was content in my solitary wandering. Then, after a while I met some people I didn’t know well. There was conflict between us in what seemed like a hospital, or school, or some such other place of officialdom. There was more to the dream but not so well remembered.
For some reason I recalled that dream again late last evening ~ and it was then I remembered I had been having that same or dream for years, perhaps for decades. It is my recurring dream of desolate isolation and conflict with officialdom. And perhaps for the me in my dream officialdom would be my parents, carers, and teachers.
I can do no better here than give you a quote;
Recurring dreams usually mean there is something in your life you’ve not acknowledged that is causing stress of some sort. The dream repeats because you have not corrected the problem. Another theory is that people who experience recurring dreams have some sort of trauma in their past they are trying to deal with. ~ Lee Ann Obringer
I suffer from a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), many doctors, psychologists and the like believe that BPD is the result of childhood trauma that has not been acknowledged and is causing severe stress. My dream may be my subconscious mind telling me that I need to deal with my past, back to when I was a boy, in a pit village, wandering alone in desolation.
The exact details of your recurring dreams does not matter so much because they will change over time. What matters is the emotion, the impression, the theme.
Today I woke at 03:15. I do not remember dreaming. Quite often I wake at about half-past-three in the morning. I believe that I am waking myself just before I am about to experience my recurring dream. I believe I am afraid of what is in my dream, and that something is protecting me, preventing me from having that dark dream tonight.
Some say that they never have dreams. And others say that they can never remember their dreams beyond a few moments. All I know is that my recurring dark dream of desolation and conflict has stayed with me my whole life.
in the dark moonlight
our past returns
only in the darkness can you see the moon and stars
when I was ill and I didn’t want to be
I didn’t know what was wrong with me
yet there was a Iight I just couldn’t see
for when I walked down near the sea
the moon and stars were shining on me
when you’re going through the darkness
keep on going
one second I’m perfectly fine, the next I can explode like a volcano
I suffer from a serious mental illness, and there is no cure.
The major symptoms I suffer from are;
- I have a great fear that the people I care for will abandon me and hurt me.
- I suffer from very intense emotions, and mood swings.
- I am an all or nothing, black and white person.
- I do not have a strong sense of self, (and I have no idea what that means).
- I find it extremely hard to make and keep stable relationships.
- I have hurt the people around me.
- I act impulsively and some of the things I do are dangerous.
- I am the original ‘angry man’.
- I suffer from Retroactive Jealousy
- I suffer from disassociation ~ sometimes people, places, and things don’t seem quite real to me. This also means I can suffer from amnesia and false memories.
- I have ‘attempted suicide’ as a cry for help.
- To escape the pain of my symptoms I can drink far too much.
There is no cure for this illness, but with intensive therapy over I long period I could recover. Snag is that the only therapy I’m getting is the therapy I give myself from books and the internet. It’s called self-directed therapy, and it’s the most painful thing I have ever done in my life.
It’s a long and rocky road indeed.
there are some thoughts you can’t avoid,
and some feelings you can’t deny
When you have a personality disorder your mind will lie to you. Your subconscious mind will take a grain of truth and build it into a dark castle in the clouds with lightning all around. When that happens you will struggle to stay grounded. Your demons will create dismal feelings and negative thoughts that your conscious mind will need to react to and act upon. The anger, jealousy, paranoia, and resentments will overwhelm you. You will plan and scheme and in an instant come up with a way to hit back, to get even, to relieve the pain in your soul.
The saner part of you will know that it’s all twisted logic and internal doubletalk, but right there and then the saner part is no friend of yours. The very last thing you need when you are in that dark space is reasonable self-awareness and self-control, because you know that everybody lies to you and everyone betrays you. No one and nothing is to be trusted nor relied upon. The only things you can trust are the voices in your own mind. You will truly be all alone in Heartbreak Hotel.
The demons with their doubletalk are insidious, persistent, and pernicious ~ your demons are always there and they will never let up. Your demons will give you insane feelings and nightmares, driving you down to another rock bottom where the mental anguish will torture and torment you.
You may try to escape into booze, drugs, gambling, casual sex with strangers, isolating yourself, just disappearing, violence….. or you may attempt suicide, and you might just succeed. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and about 10% of all those with this mental malady commit suicide. Or , you may just threaten suicide. BPD is the only personality disorder where attempted suicide and threats of suicide are among the diagnostic criteria.
How then do you escape from your demons and their destructive doubletalk? Sad thing is you can’t. There is no cure for most personality disorders, (and the majority of other mental illnesses). There isn’t even any effective medication if you have Borderline Personality Disorder, and no responsible doctor would give drugs to anyone with BPD.
All you can do is try to recover from the worst effects of your mental malady. The demons will never go away completely, but you can stop listening to them. Act as if you know what love is. Act as if you have only good feelings. Act as if you are not being torn apart inside.
All I know is that if you keep doing what you did, you’ll keep on getting what you got.
the truth will always find you out
but lies are more powerful
the heart is a strange beast and not ruled by logic
if all you have is a lonely beach…..
Nobody is rational about emotions ~ that’s why they’re called emotions. And yet, I am handling my extreme and chaotic emotions quite rationally.
Feelings cannot be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem. ~ Anne Frank
Feelings cannot be ignored, and yet I am ignoring some incredibly powerful feelings that boil like black lava with in me.
I suffer from a very serious mental malady which creates wild, extreme, and powerful mood swings, and yet outwardly I am calm and grounded.
I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in-between. ~ Sylvia Path.
The Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), that torments me creates extreme and instant feelings; anger, bitterness, disconnectedness, fear, guilt, insecurity, jealousy, loneliness, lust, paranoia, rejection, resentment….. and a kaleidoscope of all of those and more. Yet, through putting in the hard work I do not now often react to these negative feelings, nor act upon my intricately-constructed negative thoughts.
Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber
In the very recent past I would oft give my negative feelings and darkest thoughts free rein, and that never ever made things better, reacting to negative feelings and acting upon my darkest thoughts always, always, made everything in my life much worse. About 10% of everyone who has suffered from BPD commits suicide, and a greater number die from the near-suicides of such things as alcoholism, drug addiction, and risky, impulsive behaviors like promiscuous casual sex with strangers and insane driving. Those with personality disorders also have a higher than average risk of ‘lifestyle illnesses’ such as cancers, pancreatitis, cirrhosis, strokes, and heart attacks.
For me, when the inner emotional pain got bad I would retreat into the self-destructive oblivion of alcohol ~ which is very akin to temporary suicide.
In my lowest moments, the only reason I didn’t commit suicide was that I knew I wouldn’t be able to drink any more if I was dead. ~ Eric Clapton
Three very simple stratagems have relieved me of the torture and torment I have suffered for as long as I can remember.
- Learning and understanding everything I could about my personal personality disorder.
- Delaying my reaction to negative feelings, and delaying taking any action following my darkest and most evil nightmare thoughts. If I delay long enough the darkness passes.
- Keeping busy and avoiding idleness, even if doing something was outside of my comfort-zones.
To recover from Borderline Personality Disorder I have had to embrace change.
We have to be honest about what we want and take risks rather than lie to ourselves and make excuses to stay in our comfort zone. ~ Roy T. Bennett.
Some say that the emotion that can break your heart is the one that heals it. And that there is nothing they can do but to follow their heart. All I know is that it’s a good thing that I’ve finally found a way to control myself.
eventually the night comes
and with the night come the nightmares
when I discover who I am, I’ll be free of this misery
The better we know ourselves, the better can be our relationship with the rest of the cosmos. However, self-awareness, knowing who and what I am, comes to me with only the greatest difficulty. I suffer from a severe mental malady called Borderline Personality Disorder, and one of the principal symptoms of BPD is a markedly unstable self-image and little sense of self. Basically, I don’t know who I am ~ I have little Kinship of Spirit with myself. I empathise far more easily with others than I do with my own ego and subconsciousness.
Each and every moment I need to remember that I am an extremely emotional being and that I can be caught up in the surging chaos of my innermost feelings, whether they be positive or negative. Deep within me there is a pit of boiling black resentments from the past that hasn’t been reconciled with the dreams I hold today. To have true kinship of spirit with anyone, especially with myself, I need to find a way to clear up all the evil crap and demons that can still haunt me with the slightest provocation. That or my heart and soul will surely break.
A little while ago I resolved that I would put in the hard work to achieve some better quality of life ~ to do whatever it takes to recover from the personality disorder I suffer from. And now that hard work is beginning to bear fruit. Most of the time I enjoy positive feelings in both my head and my heart ~ it’s a delicate balance that helps me to be conscious of myself and also see the bigger picture of my relationships with others and the world as a whole.
When I am functioning with balance in my heart and mind, body and spirit, am no longer critical nor judgmental. It’s then that I am free and can observe the world in a clear bright light. Because I operate in a world of opposites, of psychological splitting, I go to extremes. When I am not filled with darkly angry negativity, I need to be wary of not going to the other extreme and being overtly idealistic over relationships and my perceptions of other people, especially those I care for. I can easily put others before my own wants, needs, and desires ~ I can and will put a Lady on a pedestal.
The people in my life, from my past, present, and into the future, all play a part in how I perceive myself, what enjoyment, pleasure, and pain, I gain from my life and also what I attract into my path. I need to cherish them as much as I care for myself.
Some say that it’s a dog eat dog world, and you should take whatever you can whenever you can. And that other people only matter insofar as they are useful to you. All I know is that I have faith in myself and in the future.
eventually the sun will rise again