Category Archives: Humour

last night’s loves

be patient, the best things happen at night

~

last night she realised that he never looked into her eyes

but she was happy he was staring at her deep cleavage instead

~

I love you…..’ she said softly, ‘please take your clothes off for me…..’

‘these aren’t clothes…..’ he replied

‘you’re a werewolf at night, are’t you?’ she asked excitedly

~

she came, and then

she came to the conclusion that car sex was much safer late at night

~

at midnight all she had left were half-remembered thoughts of love

~

last night, when he said he wanted to sleep with her

she expected him to stay awake for a while first

~

last night she wanted him

she wanted him to leave her alone

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

in a bar, very close to midnight

the black widow searched for her next victim

Random Jottings ~ Vampyres

loving a vampire usually ends quite badly

~

never kiss a vampire in the pale moonlight

~

when vampires go flying and bats are seen

the moon laughs and whispers

’tis near Halloween

~

she told me it was love at first bite

~

vampires embrace the moonlight shadows

~

‘I have a bloodthirsty mind, and you’re on it Darling’

~

loving a vampire ~ a short life full of draining incidents

~

every good vampyre deserves a chance to bite a virgin’s neck

~

she’s the only vampire I know who takes her phone into her coffin

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

oral sex with a vampire is interesting

Random Jottings ~ Desire

always desire to learn how to love

~

if you desire a dragon, remember things could get heated

~

some say that desiring a dragon isn’t quite normal

~

he said it was her faults that made him desire her

he was lying of course

~

all that real men desire, real men will attain

~

when men achieve their dreams and desires

they can still be dissatisfied

~

when most men say; ‘I love you…..’

they really mean; ‘I desire you…..’

~

when most men say; ‘I desire you…..’

they really mean; ‘I want to fuck you…..’

~

never give up on your desires

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

he desired a virgin princess

what he got was an angry dragon

Random Jottings ~ Insanity

insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result

~

‘you’ve got to be insane if you think I like abandoned railway yards’ she said

he could tell she wasn’t best pleased with their day out

~

he was happy because he didn’t know what the hell was going on

~

nothing is foolproof for a sufficiently talented fool

~

he didn’t suffer from insanity, he was very happy being crazy

~

he knew it was a win-win situation

she won and he didn’t

~

‘FUN!’ she said, ‘this isn’t FUN!’

‘what’s next on your agenda, the creepy crawlies of the fucking snakes?’

he could tell she didn’t really like the outdoors life

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

‘just lock me up and throw away the key,’ he said

and so that’s what she did

Random Jottings ~ Lies and Deceit

a deceiver will always find one who wishes to be deceived

~

the instant gratification of booze is a devious deception

~

it is better to be lied to than to become a liar

~

seduction is a form of deception

you know she can fool you at any time on any given day

~

love never dies a natural death

love is always killed by dishonesty, deception, and distrust

~

first appearances are not always deceptions, just mostly

~

be careful who you trust

the devil was once an angel

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

the worst thing about being lied to

is knowing that you weren’t even worth the truth

Random Jottings ~ COVID-19

you can take social distancing a little bit too far

~

save the world, stay at home and watch TV

~

social distancing is just like being shipwrecked

~

practice social distancing and don’t hoard toilet paper

~

it’s sad when self-isolation is just like your normal life

~

without utter solitude, working from home is impossible

~

COVID-19 is a deadly virus, kill it stone dead with soap and water

~

you’re more likely to die of a heart attack, in the bath, than you are to die from COVID-19

~

between 60% and 90% of positive COVID-19 tests are false positives

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

when life is a shipwreck

sing campfire songs

Random Jottings ~ Friendship

a friend when you are in need, is a friend indeed

~

friendship isn’t a test of endurance

~

friendship is not a deal, it’s a state of being

~

true friendship asks no questions and tells no lies

~

if your lover isn’t your best friend, then it’s just casual sex

~

a real friend is like a spring of cool clear water in the desert heat

~

he isn’t your friend if he makes you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells

~

your best friend is your starlight and your guide when you are lost in the darkness

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

a friend will find you

no matter where you are

 

Random Jottings ~ Strange Love

love can be an intimate connection and a dreadful bond

~

love makes you do strange things

~

she hears you before you have spoken

answers you before you’ve formed the question

and she loved you before you ever dreamed of her

~

and then, in walked the witch

the electric broomstick was bad

her fuck-me stilettos were a bitch

but the pearl choker was just sadistic

~

erotic witches aren’t all bad

they just like to behave that way

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

memories of

sex, secrets, sins

lovers, lies, lusts

desires, demands

resentments, regrets 

Random Jottings ~ Jealousy

jealousy is self-inflicted torment

~

true jealousy is both love and hate

you can’t have one without the other

~

‘I’m not jealous…..’ she averred

right before she totally trashed his Porsche

~

jealousy is a symptom of passionate insecurity

~

if you get into a passionate long-distance relationship

then expect to get very jealous

~

you can’t talk to a jealous woman with a shotgun in her hand

~

jealousy isn’t ever about real love it’s really about deep insecurity

~

actually, it’s perfectly acceptable to be jealous if your partner is cheating on you

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

real jealousy hurts

and there is never any cure

sometimes staring at the sea helps a bit

Random Jottings ~ Trust

he trusted her implicitly,  right until she threw him to the hungry crocodiles

~

everybody’s got to trust sombody sometime

of course that’s where it all starts to go wrong

~

everyone who says; ‘you can trust me…..’ is a liar

~

all women lie, just ask Adam about the apple and the snake

~

for some the excitement lies in knowing how far they dare trust

~

never ask a woman about her past

because lies of omission are still lies

and the truth will torture you

~

never trust a man who professes to be your friend

real friends don’t need to tell you that

~

trust doesn’t usually include your partner taking a vacation without you

~

I never knew a woman who didn’t want to know how much money I was making

up to, and including, my sainted mother

and all of them wanted proof

~

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

women who have first date sex are always liars

or sluts, or hookers, or older than their date

or all of the above

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