the end of civilisation as we know it?
Here in England it’s the 300th day of lockdown, quarantine, and self-isolation. The economy has tanked, officially there are 1.9 million unemployed, and about 5.5 million are on unproductive furlough. About half the UK workforce, some 14 million people, are ‘working from home’. You can’t get a non-coronavirus doctor’s appointment for love nor money, some 4.6 million people are waiting for ‘non-emergency’ surgical procedures, 600,000 cervical smears have been cancelled, and our National Health Service is said to be close to meltdown.
I have no faith in any of these numbers, just as I have no faith in the ability of the British Government to act sensibly in the face of the ‘COVID-19 pandemic’.
If you’re interested, I’ve been feeling like crap for weeks.
Mind how you go.
immunisation, the great hope for freedom?
sometimes, even I can’t fix everything
somewhere in there is a busted part
Well, I failed at repairing my heating / hot water system. The part I ordered and fitted yesterday rectified one fault, but obviously it wasn’t the main problem. There’s now a lot of pretty lights working on the gas boiler’s control panel, but the important indicator light, the one that says the gas is lit, remains obstinately dark.
I could investigate further and try another fix, but I won’t do that for three very important reasons;
- I don’t have the special tools one needs to work on gas appliances. Crucially these special tools include a gas leak detector. Although gas is actually odorless, a stenching agent is added so one can smell a very bad gas leak. But a leak small enough to be undetectable by human olfactory senses can still be extremely dangerous.
- I do not have easy access to the parts I might need to undertake a repair.
- Legally, all gas work should only ever be carried out by an appropriately qualified engineer. In the UK that means you have to on the Gas Safe Register, and renew your qualification every year. I haven’t been a qualified gas engineer for 15 years or so.
Today I’ll find a properly qualified engineer who is working during this current draconian lockdown, and make an appointment to have someone come and look at my lack of heating and hot water problem.
Actually, wanting to have fixed this gas boiler problem myself is not a money issue, it’s more that I don’t like strangers in the garret, and neither does Marmaduke.
Failing to repair something is a huge blow to my self-esteem. But needs must when the Devil drives.
good old Marmaduke
he’s all ready to help
surely nothing else can go wrong
because all this is slowly tearing me apart
Losing and feeling helpless isn’t something I’m good at. I never lost a business contract that I really wanted to win. I’ve never done unrequited love, if she didn’t want me I’d walk away and never look back. And I have never let people ruin my life with the specious argument that we are all going to die if we don’t behave like good little boys and girls and go to our rooms when we are told to. Come to that I have never let some spotty jerk tell me I can’t get on a flight I have paid for, not when I had every fucking piece of documentation imaginable.
It’s smegging unimaginable that the politicians supposedly running this once great country are seriously debating whether or not they should Cancel Christmas. This must be a bad dream. But no, if you read the news today there are far too many health officials and government advisors saying that if we have fun at Christmas we will all die. And WE MUST PROTECT the NHS. This is the world we live in today.
I thought that the National Health Service existed to protect me, not the fucking other way around.
And our fathers fought and died for this.
It’s not as though my personal life is any better. Once again I will be spending the holidays alone in the garret. I haven’t actually spoken to another human being for weeks, not in person. And as for romance? No fucking chance.
I am wondering what I have to do to make something sensible and enjoyable out of my life. I remember what it was like to have fun. I even remember what it was like to know love. I just don’t think I will ever have those good things again. I see years and years of being alone, stretching on and on and on. I just can’t take this.
You know what? Right now I think I’d do just about anything to get out of here.
is the prison only in my mind
or is it real?
you are allowed to walk away from people that hurt you
finding ways to cope is no answer
I am guessing that everyone reading this has been in at least one toxic and dysfunctional relationship in their life. Some of us may have been in abusive relationships, and abuse includes mental, verbal, financial, sexual, and physical. The questions are not how we got into a bad relationship in the first place, but why we stayed in that friendship, affair, partnership, marriage long after it became painful and destructive? It’s like a kind of insanity, but a craziness where the victim actually knows they are insane.
It begins with just not knowing, not realising, how bad things are, and having no idea how much worse they are going to get. Trust me, no matter how bad things are, they will get worse, and then even worse than that.
Then, when we do know something bad we find ourselves just not believing it. We don’t believe that our partner stole from us, cheated on us, or just doesn’t care about us. Disbelief is different from Denial. Disbelief is thinking the weather girl is wrong when she says there’s going to be a hurricane. Denial is refusing to accept that the weather outside is as bad as it ever gets, even when the rain is lashing down and the winds are over 80 mph. Dysfunctional relationships always go from disbelief to denial.
Then, when we know and mostly accept that our partner is an avaricious bitch, an alcoholic slut, an uncaring bastard, a narcissistic liar, a sadistic abuser we begin to rationalise things and make bargains. We make bargains with our partner; ‘please don’t do that again…..’ and we make bargains with ourselves; ‘if he / she does that again I’m walking out…..’ That can go on for years, the bargains and rationalisations will change, but in reality it’s that we can’t bring ourselves to walk away. It might be that despite everything we still care for / love her or him.
It gets worse. We may stay in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship out of a sense of duty, or because we have nowhere else to go. Nowhere else to go might mean physically and financially, or it might mean we believe that any relationship, no matter how bad, is preferable to no relationship at all. Half a loaf is better than no bread…..
Take it from one who has just walked away from a woman, that it’s better to have no companion at all than to stay with someone who either takes pleasure in hurting you, or just doesn’t care at all.
walk away and never look back
I’m a prisoner in my own home
The other day I went for breakfast with my friend Pam, and I had to give my name and phone number to the cafe. I’ve been contacted Public Health England under track and trace, and told I have to stay in the garret for 14 days from last Saturday.
Luckily I have plenty of canned goods and medication. There is a £100 fine if I go out, terrible.
This really is the last straw.
a locked door
if you try to please everybody, you end up pleasing nobody
Unless you are a sociopath or a narcissist you will tend to want to make other people happy. If you are in a romantic relationship you will tend to want to please your partner. If you are a child you will tend to want to please your parents, teachers, and just about every other adult you interact with. There are exceptions; we all have bad days when we couldn’t give a fuck, there are some people we don’t care about at all, and there are some other people we dislike so much that we are at the other end of the people-pleasing spectrum.
And then there are those of us to get sucked into the role of a people-pleaser, continually doing what other people want us to do, always saying yes when we should be saying no, and trying to find ways to ingratiate ourselves with people who take us for granted. We become the epitome of a people-pleasing fool because there is something in our past that made us eager to please someone in authority over us, (and / or someone we loved), for the sake of our own safety, sanity, or just because that was the only way we would ever get any attention or affection.
For a lot of my life I was trapped in the role of a people-pleaser, because my feelings of self-worth were so low as to be almost non-existent, and I was always looking to others to validate myself. My self-esteem was whatever other people told me it was, and that was doubly so for women I liked and / or was in a relationship with. I was a prisoner.
Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. ~ Lao Tzu
Once someone consciously or subconsciously realises just how much they are being taken for a fool, then they have some chance of escaping that submissive, subservient, complaisant role. And, other people will not like that at all. I stopped being a people-pleasing serf a little while ago, and some said a lot of unpleasant things to and about me. Yet the people who truly cared for me were happy for me, and encouraged me to go on steadfastly walking the true warriors path of independence, courage, confidence, determination, and kindness.
Some say they exist to please their master / mistress. And that if they didn’t take care of everyone else in their life, then who else would? All I know is that you can’t please everyone, so you’ve got to please yourself.
just because she enjoys being submissive doesn’t mean she is someone’s doormat
love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies
Well, perhaps, but even in the truest of loves between the most compatible of people each of them has their own separate road to walk. They may walk it together, supporting each other always, and the one may carry the other for a time, but each one wants / should / must have their own choices to make. It is a truism that you cannot / should not / must not try to live another person’s life for them.
More than that, almost every adult craves their independence, needs their time alone, and wants to be able to make their own mistakes. The thing about romantic partnerships and love is that the partners should be good friends, perhaps each another’s very best friend. And the thing about very good friends is that you don’t always want to see them, but you always want to know that they’re there.
No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main….. ~ John Donne
Sharing everything with your partner might sound ideal, and I guess many young lovers strive for that perfect ideal, but there is nothing worse in life than perfection. Living in your partner’s pocket is claustrophobic, actually living with anyone every minute of every single day, month in and month out, would constitute a cruel and unusual punishment in most legal systems. But solitary confinement is even worse.
How much you share with your partner, and how much of your partner you share with others is, like all of life, a balancing act. But I would strongly suggest that sharing absolutely everything isn’t going to work for most people.
Here I can best speak for myself; a real, honest, honourable, steadfast, and true man. And I need time alone, not fully engaged with anyone or anything other than myself, my innermost thoughts, and the Goddess of my understanding. Men such as I tend to seek out solitary pastimes ~ I take long meditative walks by the sea. But from time to time some company is nice.
Most men have very poor conversational skills in comparison to their female partner, so telling her about ‘everything that happened in my day’ is difficult for men. Similarly, listening to her narrate her day’s events is hard for men. And trust me on this; some of the things she may have done he will not ever want to know. Men have very poor empathy in comparison to women.
And then; a man’s feelings, drives, and needs are very different from a woman’s. He will not ever want to know about your past and the other men in it, and if he does a woman should worry. The same goes for men in your present life, (coworkers and such).
People who want to know everything about you and live with you 24 / 7 are but one step from spying, stalking, and gaslighting. Maybe ~ so give each other some space.
(there is a whole other set of meanings about ‘sharing’ in relationships ~ but I’m not going to go there)
most women would not want to be chained
not all the time anyway
sometimes air sickness isn’t about a bumpy flight
My flight back from my vacation in Turkey was terrible, not because it was a bumpy flight, but because there were so many sick people on the aeroplane. Before we took off a whole family was deplaned because they were too ill to travel, much tears and consternation.
They had been sitting just across the aisle from me.
Several other people were very sick for the whole 4 hour journey, and one middle-aged woman fainted and had to be given oxygen.
As I’ve been ill since I got back to the garret, I ‘m wondering if the trip was such a good idea, after all.
but Turkey is a great place for a sunshine vacation