You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, ashamed, angry, nor condemned.
If I sit alone and brood, then all the negative, dark, and ugly thoughts come back to me.
If I drink to escape and hide from my painfully dark and negative feelings, then things get far, far worse.
For me, The Past is a very dangerous place. Before I ever go there again I should take notice of the signs that say things like ‘Here Be Dragons’.
At times my thoughts can suddenly wander into dark places leading me to have unpleasant and negative feelings.
In own unacknowledged and unaccepted pain I am quite capable of hurting the ones I care for the most.
Deep within me I am still a prisoner of the negative ethics, judgementalism, and fears I learned when I was a child.
Right now, I do not know how to deal with any of this.
My only plan is to keep working on recovering from severe alcoholic poisoning, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. And, the only recovery I’m going to work on today is physical ~ not thinking or feeling at all seems like a good plan.
That and staying away from any thoughts and feelings at all.
there may be a new dawn ahead
it’s just that, right now
I can’t see it
They’ve all come to look for America…..
Four intensive days attending a self-awareness retreat. Because that’s what it was, self-awareness from the internal structure of human cells to the unconscious vibrations we put out into The Field that surrounds us all. Most of all it was about getting in touch with my inner voice, the subconscious programs that run 95% of my life.
Turns out that most of my life was being run by all the crap I soaked up like a sponge before I was seven years old, and that left me prey to the greatest terror of all young children ~ the fear of abandonment. Even the youngest child instinctively knows that if his or her primary care givers abandon them, then they will surely die. That fear has been ruling my life for all of my life.
And, WTF, I am a uniquely capable and able grown man, who is more than equipped to look after himself in just about any set of circumstances, up to and including being shipwrecked on a desert island ~ and I won’t need a basketball to talk to.
The one thing that always unconsciously terrified me was the ending of a relationship with a woman ~ due to this whole fear of abandonment thing that was ruling my subconscious mind.
But, I know that now, and I also know how to change the programs that were ruling, and will continue to rule most of my life. (You can Never get away from the fact that about 95% of what you do, think, and say comes from your subconscious.)
I have found the real me , I know the real me, and I have changed 2 big things about me. I am no longer a bad carbon copy of my parents, (especially my dad), and I now longer fear abandonment.
The real me, the true me, is now a very cool and very capable guy 100% of the time.
Some say we can Never get away from our upbringing. And, that we can never really change our innermost thoughts, feelings, attitudes, hopes, and fears. All I know is that if you are prepared to work hard enough to find the fulcrum, then you can move your whole world.
don’t just go through the motions
Live a Cool Life instead
Always look before you leap.
When I went on a day’s boat trip in Turkey I jumped into what looked like fairly shallow water. Turned out it was about 60 feet deep. It also turned out that I’ve just about forgotten how to swim.
I almost drowned before I made it back to our boat.
As almost drowning on vacation is not a good plan, I am taking a week’s 1 to 1 professional swimming instruction, from a lady called Sarah Kentish.
This will be in the pool of the Imperial Hotel in a British seaside resort called Llandudno.
I wonder if I’ve forgotten how to ride a bicycle too?
Pouring wine onto yourself means you might be crazy.
There are a lot of crazy and insane people in this world, and I should know because I used to be one of them. Strictly speaking crazy means you’re wild and possibly aggressive, while insane means you have an abnormal view of the world. Both mean that you can’t interact normally with other people, and that any relationship you’re in is likely to lurch from one crisis to another.
Symptoms of being crazy and insane include extremes of; being intense and passionate, being unstable, doing stupid and dangerous things on an impulse, self-harm, excessive consumption of booze, taking drugs, smoking marijuana, engaging in cheap and meaningless sex, nudity at inappropriate times, mood swings, explosive bad temper, insomnia, extremes of jealousy, panic, paranoia, schizophrenia, feelings of worthlessness, depression, euphoria, and quite a few more personality disorders and character defects.
Most crazy and insane people have most of the above problems some of the time, and most of us have self-diagnosed and tried to cure ourselves with much more of the same things that drove us crazy in the first place.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~ Albert Einstein
Or we try to cure ourselves by switching from one crazy and insane set of behaviours to another~ say from depression and melancholia to copious quantities of booze and indulging in unsafe meaningless cheap sex.
I wouldn’t recommend alcohol, sex, drugs, or insanity for everyone, but they’ve always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson
How do we know if we’re crazy and insane, or as ‘normal’ as the rest of the crazy people out there?
One person’s craziness is another person’s reality. ~ Tim Burton
Some say that if you have to ask yourself the question, ‘Am I going crazy‘ then you probably are insane and crazy. And, that if anyone else says that you’re crazy, then most likely you are. Of course, you can find Am I Insane?, Personality Disorder Tests, and Just How Insane Am I? tests online. Or, find your own online insanity / craziness tests. Your results might surprise you ~ a lot.
The last time I took one of these on-line tests, to see if I was suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, I came out at the extreme bad end of the scale.
Alternatively you could just look for these attitudes, feelings, and behaviours in yourself;
- Delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, jealousy, anger
- Mania, depression, thoughts of suicide
- Memory loss, personality changes and mood swings, time and place distortions and disorientation
- Talking to yourself, talking to your pets and plants, giving unwanted and unsolicited advice, believing in angels, demons, extraterrestrial abduction, ghosts, gods and goddesses, past lives, and witches.
If you suffer from / truly believe in any of the above, it may mean that while you are doing the best you can, and are thinking deeply and seriously about yourself and your issues, you’re not thinking clearly, and you may be a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.
The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane. ~ Nikola Tesla
Another sign of utterly crazy insanity is being addicted to anything; Alcohol, Anger, Coffee, Cough Medicine, Drugs, Food, Gambling, Jealousy, Laziness, Masturbation, Pornography, Prescription Drugs, Sex, Shopping, Smoking, Social Media, Technology, Trivia, or Work. (Trust me, people can and do get addicted to just about anything.)
Perhaps the easiest things to check to see if you really are an addict is to see if you’re suffering from; alcoholism, drug addiction, or sexual addiction. Alcoholics Anonymous have a very, very good self test that will let you know if you’ve slipped from being a social drinker to an insane boozer. There are similar self tests for drug addiction and sexual addiction.
However, the chances are that if you find yourself ever taking one of these tests, then you are already crazy, insane, and slightly weird. That doesn’t mean you are bad and stupid, it means that you’re unwell.
I’ll take weird and crazy over stupid any day. ~ Joss Whedon
Of course, another sign of being crazy, deranged, insane, peculiar, strange, unstable, unusual, or weird, is doing things in secret and lying about what you’ve done afterwards. And, lying includes lying by omission, refusing to say anything at all, and only telling part of the truth.
The problem with slightly crazy people is they do crazy things ~ and you will know this to your cost if you’ve ever dated a bunny-boiler, stalker, self-confessed witch… or any of the other strange people out there.
So if you’ve been a little bit crazy recently, acting like a sack of cats in a thunderstorm, how do you recover?
- Fully and honestly accept that you haven’t been doing so well lately.
- Figure out / try and remember just what the hell you’ve been doing that’s so bad you’re reluctant to even admit it to yourself.
- Go and see your doctor and honestly tell them what’s been going on.
- Take whatever medication your doctor advises.
- Stop self-medicating with booze, drugs, sex, or whatever.
- See a professional counsellor / therapist for whatever flavour of crazy insane you’ve been.
- Get plenty of fresh air, exercise, and sleep.
- Have a good diet, eat plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables.
- Try soothing and calming stuff; meditation, restful music, reading uplifting books, talking long walks in the forest or by the sea, yoga
- Apologise to everyone you have harmed, unless doing so will only make things worse.
- Make a solemn promise to yourself to be a ‘better’ person.
- Just get through each day without being a totally evil crazy insane wazzock, just one day at a time.
In my case I was completely crazy and insane due to a chronic lack of critical vitamins and minerals in my blood, (potassium and thiamine) ~ because I wasn’t eating properly. The symptoms of a lack of potassium, and a lack of thiamine are quite severe~ literally you go crazy insane, and possibly die.
The upside is that within a couple of days of taking prescribed, very strong, vitamin and mineral supplements I made a miraculous recovery. Today I feel very well indeed, in body, mind and spirit.
So however bad you may feel;
nil desperandum ~ carpe diem ~ noli illegitimi carborundum
and that’s crazy.
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The philosophy of fasting calls on us to know ourselves, to master ourselves, and to discipline ourselves the better to free ourselves.
On Monday of this week I was admitted to the rehabilitation ward of my local hospital. I was so confused at the time the doctor didn’t give me any choice in the matter.
The problem is I haven’t been eating and I’ve lost a lot of weight. I’m now just 135 pounds, which is 20 pounds lighter than I was a short while ago.
Not eating does all kinds of bad things to the mind and body, including confusion due lack of potassium in the brain.
Today I was released to return to the garret, with the strongest possible warning that I need to take much better care of myself.
So I am now on a better programme of food, liquid, vitamins, and minerals.
I already feel much better.
Pink isn’t just a colour, it’s an attitude.
I saw a girl driving a shocking pink car today. It could have been worse, it could have been a guy driving a shocking pink car. (It could have been the Pink Panther.) I started to wonder if anything really looked good in pink, and I came up with pink drinks for a summer’s weekend.
Well, actually you could drink these pink drinks at any time of the year, but I think they all look very summery and cooling for a stinking hot and humid day.
And yes, there are cocktails called The Pink Panther, the recipes vary, but girls should beware of all of them.
The ever elegant Heather Christo has some very ‘cool’ drinks recipes, including; spicy watermelon sangria, cherry pomegranate ginger vodka lemonade, and this really pretty in pink watermelon cucumber gin lemonade.
Wetermelon Cucumber Gin Lemonade
Tieghan Gerard from Half Baked Harvest has some really great looking ‘pink drinks’ too; frozen watermelon rosé sangria slushies, raspberry rosé tequila kombucha, and this vicious sounding jalapeno bloody mary.
Jalapeno Bloody Mary
San Diego girl Averie Sunshine has a drink that’s sort of pink in this Malibu sunset, which is made with pineapple and orange juice, coconut rum, grenadine, with some added cherries. Malibu Coconut Rum is a pretty cool spirit with lots of mixers; try it with Coca-Cola for a different tasting Cuba Libre.
Watermelon, Fresh Herbs and Sotol Cocktail
Seattle girl Heather, the Flourishing Foodie has this recipe for a rhubarb collins, and she also tells us how to make simple syrup ~ an essential ingredient for many, many long cocktails.
Chungah at Damn Delicious has this dead easy and very refreshing strawberry thyme prosecco ~ I love that Chungah uses limoncello in this recipe. This drink is very pink indeed.
Strawberry Thyme Prosecco
And finally for now, found in Allrecipes magazine, we have this recipe for Jewel’s watermelon margaritas created by Rainbow Jewels. How cute.
Jewel’s Watermelon Margaritas
Please always drink responsibly ~ you know it makes sense. Girls, beware apples laced with anything alcoholic, narcotic, or soporific.
guys need a cocktail recipe book
The Parable of the Good Samaritan.
These days I seldom dream. Last night I had a vivid dream reminding me of a moment in my past.
There was a roadside casualty, a girl in the gutter. Obviously I stopped my car, got out to give assistance, and while I was putting the girl in the recovery position someone drove off in my car. Then the girl got up and ran off, and a guy does not chase a woman late at night. All of which was a bummer because I was then stranded on the wrong side of London, late at night, no wallet and no cell. (We call them mobile phones, and my wallet was in my jacket in the damn car.) Just getting back to my place took until mid-morning, and then all the phone calls cancelling cards, contacting my insurance company, telling the office I wouldn’t be in…. And that was a great car, which I never saw again.
That wasn’t the first, or the last time, my being a ‘Good Samaritan’ caused me much grief, pain, and suffering.
From trying to help a drunken woman in the street, to giving my bank details to a charity worker, (bogus), to rescuing a woman who was being hassled by a drunk in a bar, to driving an acquaintance home late at night, to helping out a coworker solve a tricky problem, to not having first date sex with an inebriated woman… Well, the list of ‘nice’ things I’ve done which then caused me much grief goes on, and on, and on.
Too often in my life I have tried to do the right thing, to be the good guy, the man in the white suit ~ and what has it ever got me? Trouble.
Even in close relationships I’ve found, to my cost, that being a genuinely kind, caring, and considerate guy, leads to trouble in the end. Women can and will walk all over a nice guy.
It seems that many people see a good guy as a soft touch, someone that can be trampled underfoot, someone of no real account. A geek, a jerk, a loser.
Well, maybe that’s their loss.
I can retain my ethics and morality, but my dream tells me that I also need to exercise harsh judgement in the people I am prepared to be kind to. There is no more universally nice Jack Collier.
What ever became of the Good Samaritan anyway?
Terrorism is a significant threat to peace and security.
In some places I could be prosecuted for a hate crime, or at least be accused of racism, for even using the term Islamic Terrorism. The simple fact is, the number of unspeakable acts of violence perpetrated by Muslims purporting to support Radical Islamic organisations such as ISIS / Daesh, has increased exponentially in recent months. It’s terrorism, done by Muslims, and just lately a lot of innocent men, women, and children have died because of it. The Muslim Terrorists are proud of what they do, and have no sympathy for the people they kill and maim.
Whether most Muslims are peaceable is irrelevant. The fact is that fanatics rule Islam now and act-out what the Qur’an truly says… maul, march, murder every infidel if they won’t convert. ~ Gary Patton
Since the horrific events in Paris on Friday November 13th 2015, when 130 people were killed, there have been terror attacks right across Europe, America, and the Middle East. These terribly memorable events go on, and on, and on.
On 19th December 2016 a truck was driven into crowds of innocent shoppers at the Christmas Market in Berlin.
On Wednesday March 22nd 2017, an SUV raced through pedestrians walking across Westminster Bridge in London, before crashing into the gates of the Houses of Parliament.
The left-leaning, and ever so tolerant, Metropolitan Liberal Elite keep to their mantra that Muslims are not terrorists. Tell that to the families of those killed in the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and aboard the four hijacked airliners on September 11th 2001.
Or come to London and tell that to the families of those killed and maimed on Public Transport on July 7th 2005.
It’s not just in Europe and North America that Muslims kill the Kafir. Yesterday, Sunday April 9th 2017, Palm Sunday, two bombs exploded in Chuches in Egypt. Many Muslims in Egypt and all across the Middle East hate their own Coptic Christian minority populations just as much as they hate other Christians. Egypt is a popular tourist destination, but the whole country is quite dangerous, up to and including your flight out of it.
The list of terror attacks committed by Muslim extremists goes on, and on, and on. Civilised Peoples cannot ever appease extremist religious terrorists, we cannot negotiate with extremist religious terrorists, and we can never win their hearts and minds.
Right now, there are some places in the world I would not like to visit, unless my trip was essential. Among these countries are; Turkey, Syria, Israel, Jordan, Egypt, Libya, Tunisia, Algeria, and the soft tourist target of Morocco. If I was unfortunate enough to have a non-essential trip booked to any part of the Middle East, I would seriously reconsider my options. Going on a vacation isn’t worth risking my health and life on a bad bet. Neither would I be keen on travel to Berlin, Brussels, or Stockholm for a while. At the moment I would only go into parts of Central London if I had to.
This world has always been a dangerous place. I am afraid that it’s becoming more and more dangerous by the hour.
Let’s all be careful out there.
There is a warrior’s path to the end of suffering.
In my life I have been lost, often alone, and sometimes in pain. I have been down and disappointed, I have been beaten by misfortune, I’ve been so tired and despairing I could not eat or sleep, I’ve been crushed by unrequited love, I wanted things that were always out of reach, and I was so lonely I cried bitter tears. Then I found a guiding star to wish to, and that bright star led me to a good place of freedom from pain and suffering. Now I can cross broad oceans, climb tall mountains, see the far horizons.
Now I can experience true friendship and real love.
Astronomy compels the soul to look upwards, and leads us from this world to another. ~ Plato
You too can find your star to wish upon and to follow, if only you are prepared to search both the heavens and deep within yourself.
In the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy a supercomputer reveals that the ultimate answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything is 42.
The answer to the Great Question… Of Life, the Universe, and Everything… Is… Forty-Two. ~ Deep Thought
This was meant as a joke, 42 was just a random number picked out of thin air by Douglas Adams, the author of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Allegedly. However it turns out that the number forty-two has symbolism and special meanings in a whole raft of philosophies, religions, and magical convictions. Forty-two is a highly symbolic number slipped into a work of fiction, seemingly by accident, or coincidence.
However, despite what some may say, there is an answer, a simple answer to Life.
If we are to believe numerology then 42 is an Angel Number, and the energies of this number bring us an inner-wisdom to help us pursue our Life Purpose. To pursue your Life Purpose, then first you must realise that the true purpose of your life is to live and to grow ~ to grow physically, mentally, and spiritually, in health and happiness. That may be a long, long way from where you find yourself right now.
In order to get to where you want to go, you first have to know two things;
- Exactly where you are right now.
- Exactly where it is you want to get to.
You don’t need to know the road in-between, that will become only too apparent on your journey to your ultimate truth.
If you are anything like I used to be, then where you are right now could be unhealthy, unsatisfying, and depressing. There may be no real joy and happiness in your life. You may see no way out, even though you have sought relief and escape through religion, inspirational books, motivational speakers, support groups, counsellors, psychologists, doctors, medication, booze, street drugs, gambling, casual sex…
None of those escape routes will work for long, and the consequences of some methods of escape from hard reality just make things much worse. I know, before I found my own ultimate truth, my own warrior’s path, I tried just about every quick fix there is.
There are more false prophets than there are those inspired by an ultimate truth.
Taking the wrong road through self-destructive behaviour leads to one rock-bottom after another, and each new rock-bottom is worse than the one before.
There are no quick fixes in Life, and nobody can fix you but you.
The Ultimate Truth is this; Life is Difficult and Painful.
Once you are prepared to recognise that truth, once you are prepared to accept, appreciate, and understand that Life is Difficult and Painful, then you can transcend all pain and suffering. You can take your first step on the warrior’s path to freedom from desolation and misery.
The first step in any journey is always the hardest. It will mean uncertainty, leaving your comfort zone, doing things that seem unnatural, and at first it may seem just as painful as the misery you’re trying to leave behind. But, you have to know this ~ follow the warrior’s path and things will get better. Your life will become even better than you could ever have imagined it could be.
The first step is to recognise and accept that you are the cause of your own unhappiness. Whatever the proximate cause of your misery and unhappiness, be it alcoholism, gambling, an abusive relationship, or whatever is your personal purgatory, the ultimate cause of your pain is your own need for instant gratification. We must to accept that the causes of all our problems and unhappiness are our own cravings, desires, wants, lusts, needs, and our blaming of others when things don’t go the way we want them to.
Self-discipline is hard, it means not taking that next drink, not having that next cigarette, not overeating, not placing our happiness in the hands of another. Self-discipline means turning up for work on time, getting enough good quality sleep, getting enough fresh air and exercise. Self-discipline means not blaming others for our misfortunes, not spending money we don’t have, not allowing ourselves to become infatuated with someone who will never truly return our affections. Self-discipline is what will free you from pain, misery, and the teachings of false prophets.
You don’t need the hurt anymore, and you don’t need the pain in your life. I promise you that if you accept and understand that you can’t ever change what happens to you, but you can change what you do, then your shadows will turn into warm sunlight. Don’t ever allow yourself to give in to your craving for instant gratification, have the patience to appreciate, accept,and understand yourself, trust in yourself and not in others, and your life will get better. Your whole life will improve very fast, and it will be better than you have ever dreamed possible.