never give up on life
it’s worth waiting for
some say that life’s a bitch
until they marry a bastard
never give up on what you want
because giving up means he wins
It’s very nice to go travelling
because you get to be a long way away from your spouse
for some people being alone is safe
alcohol does not cure all ills
but it helps a lot
just when you thought you were supposed to be draining the swamp
there are lots of weirdos and jerks out there
that doesn’t mean you have to date one
he’s a politician
he’s married with kids
and often sees other women
he talks about himself too much
he constantly talks over you in public
he makes no effort to look good for you
he’d rather watch porn than be with you
he expects you to pay your half of the check
he’s flaky, ghosts you, vanishes with no explanation
won’t let you call him at home
he’s a manipulator, steals from you, lies to you, is often angry
makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells
he drinks a lot
a healthy relationship doesn’t drag you down
misery is never acceptable
Who here has never been dumped? I have, more than once, and it hurts. However, I firmly believe that what hurts worse than being rejected and dumped is being rejected by your spouse or partner while the relationship goes on between you. You are still mostly living together, but that’s the most you can say of it. You may even be having sex, but it’s lacking in intimacy and is nothing more than satisfying some animal lust. Bad sex is worse than no sex at all, and in a toxic relationship sex is all about power.
Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power. ~ Oscar Wilde
Some signs of being rejected inside a relationship are that you avoid being together, you hardly ever talk and when you do there is no real communication, communication descends into arguments, recriminations, and raised voices, you don’t trust your partner at all, one of you drinks far too much, and the chances are that you are being cheated on. Anyhow, if your partner is rejecting you then you already know. Being rejected can hurt for a while, being rejected inside a relationship makes you miserable forever, or until you find the courage to walk out.
If you don’t trust your partner / spouse, if you don’t let them anywhere near your money, if you go to counseling alone or to a 12 step group, if you are being mentally, psychologically or physically abused, if you feel like a doormat, if you are always walking on eggshells ~ then it’s time to have an escape plan. The thing is that, anyone who can subject someone they profess to care for to the misery of rejection is themselves a deeply damaged person. In psychology Anti-Social has some very specific meanings, it describes someone who has no conscience, no empathy, no sense of right and wrong, no guilt. Anti-Social people are promiscuous, often abuse alcohol and drugs, they cheat and steal, are narcissistic, and often they will break the law; things like petty theft or driving under the influence. Someone who will reject their partner or spouse is deeply Anti-Social.
And beware because simple rejection can escalate into Gaslighting, a form of extreme psychological abuse. If you suffer from anxiety, depression, question your own sanity ~ then you are being gaslighted. If that is you, and you sometimes fear for your own safety, or even your own life, then it’s not time to walk away, it’s time to run.
feeling like a prisoner is never acceptable
the end of civilisation as we know it?
Here in England it’s the 300th day of lockdown, quarantine, and self-isolation. The economy has tanked, officially there are 1.9 million unemployed, and about 5.5 million are on unproductive furlough. About half the UK workforce, some 14 million people, are ‘working from home’. You can’t get a non-coronavirus doctor’s appointment for love nor money, some 4.6 million people are waiting for ‘non-emergency’ surgical procedures, 600,000 cervical smears have been cancelled, and our National Health Service is said to be close to meltdown.
I have no faith in any of these numbers, just as I have no faith in the ability of the British Government to act sensibly in the face of the ‘COVID-19 pandemic’.
If you’re interested, I’ve been feeling like crap for weeks.
Mind how you go.
immunisation, the great hope for freedom?
sometimes, even I can’t fix everything
somewhere in there is a busted part
Well, I failed at repairing my heating / hot water system. The part I ordered and fitted yesterday rectified one fault, but obviously it wasn’t the main problem. There’s now a lot of pretty lights working on the gas boiler’s control panel, but the important indicator light, the one that says the gas is lit, remains obstinately dark.
I could investigate further and try another fix, but I won’t do that for three very important reasons;
- I don’t have the special tools one needs to work on gas appliances. Crucially these special tools include a gas leak detector. Although gas is actually odorless, a stenching agent is added so one can smell a very bad gas leak. But a leak small enough to be undetectable by human olfactory senses can still be extremely dangerous.
- I do not have easy access to the parts I might need to undertake a repair.
- Legally, all gas work should only ever be carried out by an appropriately qualified engineer. In the UK that means you have to on the Gas Safe Register, and renew your qualification every year. I haven’t been a qualified gas engineer for 15 years or so.
Today I’ll find a properly qualified engineer who is working during this current draconian lockdown, and make an appointment to have someone come and look at my lack of heating and hot water problem.
Actually, wanting to have fixed this gas boiler problem myself is not a money issue, it’s more that I don’t like strangers in the garret, and neither does Marmaduke.
Failing to repair something is a huge blow to my self-esteem. But needs must when the Devil drives.
good old Marmaduke
he’s all ready to help
surely nothing else can go wrong
because all this is slowly tearing me apart
Losing and feeling helpless isn’t something I’m good at. I never lost a business contract that I really wanted to win. I’ve never done unrequited love, if she didn’t want me I’d walk away and never look back. And I have never let people ruin my life with the specious argument that we are all going to die if we don’t behave like good little boys and girls and go to our rooms when we are told to. Come to that I have never let some spotty jerk tell me I can’t get on a flight I have paid for, not when I had every fucking piece of documentation imaginable.
It’s smegging unimaginable that the politicians supposedly running this once great country are seriously debating whether or not they should Cancel Christmas. This must be a bad dream. But no, if you read the news today there are far too many health officials and government advisors saying that if we have fun at Christmas we will all die. And WE MUST PROTECT the NHS. This is the world we live in today.
I thought that the National Health Service existed to protect me, not the fucking other way around.
And our fathers fought and died for this.
It’s not as though my personal life is any better. Once again I will be spending the holidays alone in the garret. I haven’t actually spoken to another human being for weeks, not in person. And as for romance? No fucking chance.
I am wondering what I have to do to make something sensible and enjoyable out of my life. I remember what it was like to have fun. I even remember what it was like to know love. I just don’t think I will ever have those good things again. I see years and years of being alone, stretching on and on and on. I just can’t take this.
You know what? Right now I think I’d do just about anything to get out of here.
is the prison only in my mind
or is it real?
you are allowed to walk away from people that hurt you
finding ways to cope is no answer
I am guessing that everyone reading this has been in at least one toxic and dysfunctional relationship in their life. Some of us may have been in abusive relationships, and abuse includes mental, verbal, financial, sexual, and physical. The questions are not how we got into a bad relationship in the first place, but why we stayed in that friendship, affair, partnership, marriage long after it became painful and destructive? It’s like a kind of insanity, but a craziness where the victim actually knows they are insane.
It begins with just not knowing, not realising, how bad things are, and having no idea how much worse they are going to get. Trust me, no matter how bad things are, they will get worse, and then even worse than that.
Then, when we do know something bad we find ourselves just not believing it. We don’t believe that our partner stole from us, cheated on us, or just doesn’t care about us. Disbelief is different from Denial. Disbelief is thinking the weather girl is wrong when she says there’s going to be a hurricane. Denial is refusing to accept that the weather outside is as bad as it ever gets, even when the rain is lashing down and the winds are over 80 mph. Dysfunctional relationships always go from disbelief to denial.
Then, when we know and mostly accept that our partner is an avaricious bitch, an alcoholic slut, an uncaring bastard, a narcissistic liar, a sadistic abuser we begin to rationalise things and make bargains. We make bargains with our partner; ‘please don’t do that again…..’ and we make bargains with ourselves; ‘if he / she does that again I’m walking out…..’ That can go on for years, the bargains and rationalisations will change, but in reality it’s that we can’t bring ourselves to walk away. It might be that despite everything we still care for / love her or him.
It gets worse. We may stay in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship out of a sense of duty, or because we have nowhere else to go. Nowhere else to go might mean physically and financially, or it might mean we believe that any relationship, no matter how bad, is preferable to no relationship at all. Half a loaf is better than no bread…..
Take it from one who has just walked away from a woman, that it’s better to have no companion at all than to stay with someone who either takes pleasure in hurting you, or just doesn’t care at all.
walk away and never look back