Mania and depression all at once means;
the will to die and the motivation to make it happen.
sometimes we entrap ourselves
Agitated depression and borderline personality disorder are an extremely dangerous and confusing set of mixed mental / emotional / spiritual states. Those of us who are unfortunate enough to suffer from a personality disorder, or serious character defect, often become confused because we sometimes seem to have two or more totally different and opposite problems at one in the same time. Believe me, I’ve been there more than once.
Have you ever felt really tired, but keyed-up and tense at the same time? You want to go to sleep but you’re full of energy and can’t relax? Or, you feel really melancholy, depressed, and sad, but at the same time you are very hurt and angry and want to strike out against whoever it is that’s hurt you. These contradictory conditions are a sign of something called Comorbitity, where one or more medical / mental / emotional / spiritual conditions are co-occurring with a primary problem.
Perhaps the most common instances of comorbitity are between people diagnosed with a mental illness who also abuse booze, drugs, and prescription medication. Addicts and alcoholics are often also mentally ill.
Anger, rage, and fury alongside sadness, melancholia, and depression at one in the same time don’t actually make a lot of sense. Anger is a very active emotion requiring a hell of a lot of mental and emotional energy, (and taken to extremes a lot of physical energy), whereas sadness and depression are passive emotions which sap energy and leave the sufferer incapable of doing very much at all.
More typical would be a period of extreme anger, followed by remorse, guilt, and sadness. Not the two things going on at once. But, especially in men, anger and depression often go hand in hand.
However, anyone who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder will be aware of just how chancy that diagnosis was, and may well have been misdiagnosed by several doctors / psychiatrists / psychologists / therapists before their correct diagnosis, and hence correct treatment was discovered, (found by accident). A hell of a lot of people who have Borderline Personality Disorder will at first have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
In fact there are 9 or 10 distinct personality disorders, and very often a sufferer will have symptoms or traits of more than one of these disorders, at one in the same time. As if it’s not bad enough suffering from just one of these life-destroying mental illnesses.
So if you’re confused about your illness, or the way your loved one / partner / friend behaves, don’t worry. Instead put in the hard work and learn about what’s exactly going on ~ start with the internet, then talk with your doctors.
Some say that all alcoholics and addicts are just plain crazy. And that they just never know how their partner is going to be from one minute to the next. All I know is they’re both right.
we all have demons inside us,
sometimes more than just one.
Lots of beer, now there’s a temporary solution.
English Pubs Exist to Sell Beer
Despite what some would like to believe, beer is just as bad for you as any other alcohol, and depending how much of the brown falling-down-water you drink, beer is possibly worse that your other regular tipples. All booze has some very deleterious effects on your health, and the more your regularly drink the faster these bad things will happen to you.
Alcohol causes accidents in the home, on the road, and everywhere else you might find yourself after one too many drinks. Most people who commit suicide have been drinking heavily. Booze is also the direct cause of heart failure and other cardiovascular diseases, liver failure, fatty liver, hepatitis, and cirrhosis, sundry gastrointestinal disorders, pneumonia and other respiratory tract diseases, various cancers, pancreatitis, and diseases of malnutrition such as Wernicke’s encephalopathy, Korsakoff’s psychosis, amblyopia, and polyneuropathy. Without treatment you could die from all of these alcohol related dangers. Even with treatment some of the above will still kill you. If you don’t stop drinking, then you will die, horribly and before your time, from one or more of the nasty alcohol related killer diseases.
But, isn’t drinking beer safer? Isn’t it OK to have a few beers, every now and again.
Mostly, the answer to those questions is no. In a healthy adult, moderate drinking doesn’t cause too much damage, and by moderate I mean 1 pint of beer a day, or one standard size glass of wine a day ~ any more than that is quite damaging to your health. And you can’t save up your weekly quota and safely drink it all at the weekend either. Nor can you stay sober for a month and then get good and drunk to make up for all that boring sobriety ~ try that and you’ll most likely end up in vomiting your guts up, or in hospital, or dead.
So what about only ever drinking beer? Beer is made from water, a grain such as wheat or barley, and is usually flavoured with hops. Beer is usually between 4% and 12% alcohol by volume, (ABV). Your liver will take 1 hour to process a bottle of a weaker beer, and maybe 3 hours to process a pint of strong beer. While your liver is processing alcohol it isn’t doing anything else.
In comparison, wine usually has an ABV of 10% to 18%. Drinking an average size glass of wine is the equivalent of drinking a pint of strong beer. The ABV of spirits varies from between 35% to 60%, (sometimes more). A standard measure of spirits, (one shot), is about equivalent to drinking a bottle of strong beer.
The reasons beer is so bad for you is that there’s a lot of it by sheer quantity, which puts strain on your kidneys dealing with all that urine. Beer is full of grains which are packed with gluten and generally very bad for your digestion, there’s lots of calories in beer, and it’s got hops in it which is a soporific and also promotes the creation of estrogen in the body. Why do you think most beer drinkers are fat, have overhanging bellies, and guys who drink a lot of beer get man-boobs? Beer will kill you just as fast as any other alcohol, and it will make you very unattractive in the process.
Some say that beer is good for you. And that real men always have a few beers when they meet with the guys, or have a BBQ, or watch sports TV….. All I know is that people who drink beer become fat and unattractive, and then they die, before their time.
if the bottom falls out of your world,
drink Guinness and have the world fall out of your bottom.
The past is not the past, it is never done and gone.
male sexual jealousy is a dragon that will devour your very soul
I only just learned of a condition called Retroactive Jealousy, but it seems as though I’ve suffered from this horrible character defect for much of my life. Now I know that this is a quite common condition that’s also known as retrospective jealousy and retrograde jealousy.
Retroactive Jealousy is having extremely painful thoughts and morbid curiosity over your partner’s / loved one’s past relationships and / or sexual history ~ especially if they went through a very promiscuous phase involving multiple sexual partners or were deeply in love with another or others.
Retroactive Jealousy can lead you to do crazy things; stalk your partner’s social media, check through all their old photographs, post very negative and attacking things about them on your own social media, hire a private detective, park outside their house night after night….. All jealousy is utterly insane and crazy.
It seems that jealousy commonly arises not only about events and thoughts that happen in the present, but also about the past ~ even the past long before we met our current partner.
Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive. ~ Havelock Ellis
Both men and women can suffer terribly from retroactive jealousy, but from very different causes. Men get jealous over their perception of their partner’s sexual history, whereas women get jealous about the other women they believe their partner has been in love with in the past. And, retroactive jealousy only happens in the presence of love. If you are just having a one-night-stand, casual sex, regular sex hookups, or a meaningless fling, then retroactive jealousy will not raise its ugly head. It is only when you begin to really love someone that you might suffer from terrible jealousies about their past.
This is utterly counter-intuitive, because we are conditioned to believe that true love is unconditional, and that we should accept, understand, and cherish our loved one, no matter what. Sadly, this is not how real life works. The past will always affect our deepest emotions, and more often than not things that our partner has done in the past will tear us apart.
It would be impossible to estimate how much time and energy we invest in trying to fix, change and deny our emotions ~ especially the ones that shake us at our very core, like hurt, jealousy, loneliness, shame, rage, and grief. ~ Debbie Ford.
Retroactive Jealousy need not plague you forever, as long as you are prepared to change, as long as you are prepared to put in the hard work ~ but that needs to be the topic of another post.
Some say that you should accept your partner’s past, no matter what it is. And that a competent and self-confident person should be incapable of jealousy in everything. All I know is that there are only two choices about retroactive jealousy; #1 fully accept and understand your partner’s past, #2 walk away and don’t look back.
Always remember that your jealousy is your problem not your partners ~ so deal with it.
if your partner has things like this in her past most men will suffer retroactive jealousy
If you believe in yourself and feel confident in yourself, you can do just about anything.
acting utterly self-confident
Self-confidence is all about being comfortable and happy with who you are ~ trusting in one’s own abilities, qualities, and judgement. It’s about being OK with what you are doing and where you are heading. It’s not about going into a room full of people and wondering if they will like you, its about going into a room full of people and wondering if you like them. True self-confidence is about being completely at peace with yourself.
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which is a clinical condition, and this means I do not know who I am, people scare me for no good reason, and my emotions are all over the place, all the damn time. It’s very difficult to have true and profound self-confidence when you also suffer from a morbid fear of abandonment. Borderline Personality disorder is considered the most unstable and deadly of all mental health conditions ~ the death rate from suicide alone among sufferers from BPD is around 10%.
My confidence can be destroyed by minor setbacks, when people criticise me or put me down, or when my personality disorder creates anger, paranoia, jealousy, fear, and a complete inability to sustain a relationship.
Beware of those around you who subtly sow the seeds of doubt. ~ Wayne G. Trotman
Back in the day, when I was in International Banking, I needed to appear to be totally self-confident ~ and I developed a set of coping mechanisms, techniques, and tricks that allowed me to give the appearance of inner certainty, complete belief in myself, and that I was totally at ease. Basically I was faking it.
However, nobody is perfect. Nobody has all the answers. The odd thing is that, because I know exactly what my faults are I can deal with my imperfections. And, I am so
fucking damn smart I know almost all the answers to all the questions. I should be filled with self-confidence, and I’m not.
So what do I do? I fake self-confidence ~ and when I fake self-confidence well enough, then I come to feel confident and empowered. Most people have no idea that I’m putting on an act. By appearing confident other people are happy to know me, to work with me, to rely upon me, to date me, and to be with me. As they say in 12-step recovery programs; fake it to make it.
Some say that we don’t know who we are because we don’t believe in ourselves. And that being a control freak is a weakness, not a strength. All I know is that true confidence comes from inner peace.
looking good builds self-confidence
and uses up a lot of time in the gym
and the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom
My life has become challenging and rewarding. The challenges are to learn how to control my feelings, my expectations, my wants, needs, desires, dreams, and lusts. To be a very cool guy, living a great life ~ a very cool guy who is truly self-aware, self-deprecating, self-disciplined, self-controlled, and self-confident. A man who takes care of his friends, is accepting, supportive, understanding, patient, and steadfast. Someone who doesn’t show uncontrollable anger, nor act like a negative jerk. I already have some of the rewards; my friendships are returning, I am sober, I am self-aware, and I am filled with positive energies.
Life is a risky business, and in the end there are few winners. I hope that in the critical weeks ahead of me I will make good decisions that benefit myself and those I care for ~ now and in the future.
My new journey along the warrior’s path began with a decision to make some serious changes to myself and my life, regardless of what I had to do to make changes, and regardless of what those changes needed to be.
What I do know is that the most important change I needed to make was the resolve to stay sober. For me, drinking any booze at all just means that everything gets totally fucked-up. If I drink then something very bad may happen, one day the booze might kill me.
None of the things I’ve tried before ever worked for long. But, this week a light was turned on ~ and perhaps the reason is that I suddenly became uncontrollably angry at a friend. And shortly after that I was utterly remorseful. I had a rapid and extreme change of mood within an hour or so. Scary. I knew I had to do something radical.
Things are better for me today. I still get incredibly angry for no good reason at all, but now I know I need to keep that anger locked away until I can find an acceptable way to release it. And the same goes for all the other powerfully negative chaotic emotions that flood my mind.
I got to where I was by continually doing what I had always been doing, including drinking. I knew that I had to do things differently. I started by researching exactly WTF Borderline Personality Disorder is, and how others manage to live with it.
Some say that Faint Heart never won Fair Lady. And that you will never get anywhere in life without taking risks. All I know is that being a really cool guy means taking care of and loving others, as well as taking care of and loving myself.
all journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware
It has often struck me that a lot of people go through life blissfully unaware of the mysteries, adventures, and excitement going on all around them. Most people seem to live the same day, the same week, the same month, over and over again. They get up at more or less the same time every weekday, spend too long over exactly the same morning routine, travel the same way to work, and arrive late all the time. They lunch with the same people at the same places, leave work at the same time every evening, and do the same things between work and home that they did on the same day last week. And, their actual working day is most likely stultifyingly tedious. They even take vacations and attend conferences and retreats with the same people they did last year.
That isn’t living, that’s barely existing. What’s worse is that these bored and boring people will get sick a lot, suffer from mental illnesses like depression, and die before their allotted time.
Some people attempt to break away from the mind-numbing drudgery of their pointless lives through booze, drugs, gambling, petty crime, or casual sex. Personally, I tried a couple of those self-destructive diversions ~ before I knew better and began to concentrate on becoming a real man, a superior man to that which I was before.
The better person, the superior man, needs to be self-aware, self-controlled, self-disciplined, and self-confident. In addition, to fulfill our true potential, we need to become aware of just what is going on around us. We need to open our eyes and take notice of the world. Especially we need to understand what’s going on with the people we meet. If you are genuinely interested in someone they are far more likely to be friendly to you, and perhaps become your friend, than if you hardly give them a second glance.
I have no sympathy for guys who bemoan the fact that they can’t seem to meet girls, inevitably it’s for two reasons. #1 they walk around with their eyes wide closed, taking no interest at all in the female of the species, except to ogle them. #2 they never look at themselves critically in a mirror, taking no interest in themselves.
A real man, the better man, knows exactly what’s going on around him; from how every woman and more interesting guy he knows is feeling today, to what’s important in the news, to the impact and impression he is creating with everyone he meets. A better man always has his eyes and ears open.
Being self-aware, being aware of the people around you, knowing just what is going on in your world, is an important step on the road to self-confidence. With self-confidence comes the ability to change your life from the grey drudgery you currently inhabit, to the bright, sunlit uplands of excitement, adventure, and really cool things.
Some say that it’s better to travel hopefully than to arrive. And that it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. All I know is that seeing things change for the better is awesome.
some women have very nice eyes, both wide open and closed wide shut
mindfulness is a way of non-judgmentally connecting with your life
some things are in the wrong place, but none can know the future
Until pretty recently I had never heard the words mindful nor mindfully and to be honest, for a man of my generation, background, and upbringing, the concepts and processes of mindfulness are fairly alien and unknowable.
However, to each of us there comes a time when we need to look outside of our everyday wants, needs, struggles, and conflicts to find something we can trust to lift the pain and distress from our shoulders. There may come a time when we sink as low as to destroy the relationship we hold most precious, to harm ourselves with booze, drugs, gambling, casual sex, lies and deceptions, and to have thoughts of suicide. Just a few short days ago I had sunk that low. I had arrived at a rock bottom, and I knew there was yet another rock bottom even lower and worse than the one I was suffering.
Now I know that mindfulness is a way for me to live fully in the moment, and by being totally in the now, cutting off worries about the past and stress about all possible futures.
Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different. ~ James Baraz
Mindfulness is a way for me to calmly pay full attention to what is happening to me right now, how I am feeling right now, and how I am reacting to those feelings. Deep down there is a need for me to be calm and at peace with what is happening in the now, instead of worrying and being resentful about what has happened, what could happen, what was and could be bad, what went wrong, what could go wrong, and what is missing in my life. No matter the chaos that is troubling me in my heart and mind, outwardly I need to radiate inner peace.
Being mindful is about me letting the past stay in the past and leaving the future as something that is yet to come about, it’s about being in the now without being hurt, disturbed, and distressed by what might happen, or what has already happened, or what my twisted mind thinks has already happened.
I may never be able to silence the thousands of negative thoughts and feelings that uninvited pass through my mind each day, but I have learned how to slow down my mind, and allow my feelings to come and go without reacting badly to them.
Some say that they don’t need to feel bad about anything they have ever done. And that they have no regrets about the past nor worries about the future. All I know is that I can stop being afraid, I am the master of my fate.
how the disconnect inside my mind feels
Be where you are, not where you think you should be.
My post earlier today was about rain ~ sort of. Doing yoga in the warm summer rain is uplifting. Yoga in the foothills of the Himalayas must be even more so.
Yoga is a 5,000 years old form of exercise that is focused on strength, flexibility, breathing, and mindfulness to boost physical and mental health and wellness. Yoga is safe, effective, and beneficial ~ especially when it comes to increasing your strength, flexibility, balance, and inner peace. Yoga tends to improve posture, and far too many people slouch these days, up to and including me, at times. There is strong evidence that regular yoga has a positive impact on people who suffer with high blood pressure, cardio-vascular diseases, arthritis, migraines, IBS, fibromyalgia, sundry aches and pains, lack of mobility, depression, and anxieties. I just find that spending time every day doing a little man-type yoga makes me feel better.
Scientific studies on the physical benefits of yoga show that it helps to alleviate the pain and stiffness of osteoarthritis, but, the symptoms of arthritis can make some yoga positions difficult and painful in themselves. However, whatever yoga one can do helps improve the arthritis sufferer’s range of movement, and strengthens the muscles around painful joints. Those with the autoimmune disease of rheumatoid arthritis also benefit from yoga ~ there will be improvements in overall physical health, walking, energy levels, mood, and reduced pain.
The purpose of yoga is to build strength, awareness, and harmony in both the mind and body. ~ Natalie Nevins, M.D.
The physical benefits of yoga include:
- increased flexibility
- increased muscle strength and tone
- much improved posture
- prevents cartilage and joint breakdown
- improved bone density
- helps the lymphatic system and boosts immunity
- helps to fight cancer
- better breathing, energy, and vitality
- better balanced metabolism
- better weight control
- improved cardio-vascular health
- reduces high blood pressure
- improved athletic and sexual performance
- protection from injury
There is also strong evidence that shows regular yoga practice leads to an increase in serotonin, and a natural decrease in monoamine oxidase. What this means is that we feel happier, more positive, more energised, and are less likely to suffer from depression. For me, happier is good.
Some say that yoga is just for girls and metrosexual guys. And, that we should all get a grip and concentrate on everyday life. All I know is that everyday life isn’t everything.
how long to capture that shot?
it doesn’t really matter,
in meditative Yoga time is immaterial.
Those who only look to the past are certain to miss the future.
the past is not real
There is nothing wrong with learning from the past, but the mind can masochistically replay painful memories from our past, or from the pasts of those we may profess to care about. This dark process will create anger, jealousy, envy, paranoia, and suffering. Continuously replaying the past, yours or anyone else’s, not only causes immense pain, it also stops us from living a happy and mindful life in the present, and it will make dark all our possible futures.
Because I suffer from a serious personality disorder, I would allow my mind’s stories of the past to contaminate and blight my whole life, without learning very much at all. I continuously carried around with me all the pain, suffering, grudges, resentments, and jealousies ~ sometimes from things that happened years before, and often from things others did years before I even knew them.
This is self-destructive. Continuously replaying the past can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. My dwelling on thoughts of the past, my own or anyone else’s, will lead to similar events happening in the future. This process of reliving the past is more like self-torture than a positive learning process, because there is one thing you should know ~ no matter who you are, you cannot fix the past.
When we replay the past in our minds we relive all the big mistakes we made, all the bad things that happened to us, and all the horrible things that people have done to us. And, the terrible thing is that some of those horrible things probably happened before whoever did them even met us, or knew who we were. This distorted and paranoid view of the past becomes impressed on our subconscious, which then uses it as a template to deal with the present, and projects it into a dark and painful future.
When we listen to our mind’s stories about what should have happened, about what we or others should have done, we are no longer experiencing real life, we are instead lost in the subconscious mind’s paranoia, suspicion, and judgmentalism. This leads to pain, stress, anger, anxiety, guilt, and apathy.
We all need to find a way of letting go of the past, for the past is nothing but a memory, and memories aren’t real life. Other than counselling, working with a psychologist, hypnosis, self-hypnosis, or psychotherapy, I only know of one way to reprogram the subconscious mind so that any memories of the past are no longer painful and dark. To act ‘as if’. Act ‘as if’ the past isn’t painful, that it no longer bothers you, that the past no longer causes suffering, grudges, resentments, and jealousies. Do that well enough, for long enough, and that will become your new reality. It may take a year.
Some say that he’s an evil bastard just because that’s how he acted in the past. Or that she’s an alcoholic addicted tramp because she used to drink too much, smoke pot, and screw around. All I know is that the past is another country.
don’t look back to a dark past,
live in the present
alcohol is the world’s most addictive and most dangerous drug
Alcohol kills more people each year than all the other drugs combined ~ world-wide some three-million people a year will die from alcohol related causes. Cocaine, heroin, marijuana, meth, prescription drugs, tobacco…. all added together don’t kill as many people as booze. One third of all traffic fatalities involve alcohol. Booze will cause alcoholic poisoning, malnutrition, strokes, heart attacks, diabetes, cancers, a fatal coma, liver failure, pancreatitis, pneumonia, multiple organ failure, fatal accidents, suicides….. And when you end up in the emergency room the doctors and nurses will treat you like shit.
Yet drinking booze is socially acceptable, in fact if you don’t drink most people will think you are rather strange. And, if you used to be a boozer, and stop, and then go out with your old circle of friends, they will pressure you to take a drink and indulge all of your other addictions. And these are supposed to be your friends?
If you drink, then over time your drinking will get worse and worse until it kills you. Before the booze kills you, you will know physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual suffering.
Of all those people who try to stop drinking, only 2.5% will make it to 90 days sober. Of that 2.5%, only 2.5% will make it to 2 years, that’s 2.5 people out of every 1,000 who will be sober 2 years after they made the decision to stop drinking. Be one of the 0.25% who succeed. You have a better chance of success if you get help.
Those who tell themselves that they want to control their drinking, or stop all together, may try some futile and self-destructive strategies;
- lying to themselves about how much they are drinking ~ denial is dangerous
- switching from spirits to wine to beer, drinking only organic booze
- limiting the number of drinks they have ~ that never, ever works
- resigning their job and moving from where they are to somewhere different ~ this is called doing a geographical
- religion, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, taking anti-drinking medication ~ I have seen people on antibuse drink a hell of a lot in a session
- drinking in different bars where nobody knows them
- switching to a different addiction; smoking, gambling, unsafe casual sex, using other drugs, stealing, impulsive spending ~ although the chances are that real boozers were doing all those things at the same time they were drinking
- joining a gym, sports club, walking club, doing yoga, meditation classes…..
None of the above really works because most boozers are liars and cheats. You will drink again if you don’t do something radically different. Take a long hard look at yourself and accept that nobody and nothing is responsible for your drinking except you, and what’s going on with you. And if you are brutally honest with yourself, then you will probably be confused because you have no idea why you drink. The brutal honesty is good ~ stay with that
Don’t worry about the confusion for now ~ for now, just stay away from that next first drink. Next, stay away from everywhere you used to drink, and all those toxic false friends you used to drink with. Give up on all your other addictions. Now find yourself some support; Alcoholics Anonymous, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, the church, sober friends, YouTube…..
And over the next 90 days find out the truth of why you drink, and deal with that. In my case I was drinking because I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and now I am dealing with that.
Some say that you are just a worthless alcoholic, and will never think that you are anything else. And some say that they never want to see you again. All I know is that everyone has the angel of recovery inside them.
single malt scotch was my drug of choice