it is always darkest just before the dawn breaks
I need a new life, a different life from the emotionally painful existence I have been enduring.
I don’t exactly know what kind of life I need to live, except that I need to stay sober and avoid all conflict in my interpersonal relationships. Maybe the one will lead to the other. I hope so.
There is nothing I ask for, other than to be free from this emotional pain and suffering. There is nothing I can think of to do, no plan of action other than to stay sober, avoid all conflict, and maybe just be nice, kind, and compassionate. To be honest, that’s about all I’m going to be able to cope with for a while.
Love to you all. Wish me luck in my different life.
Maybe having a true friend would be good for me.
you cannot heal by going back to what broke you
Everything I have thought, said, and written in the past two days is wrong and bad.
It seems that I have broken something that was very important to me.
A friendship is over, and there is no way back to what was.
Everything ends, I’m sorry this friendship had to.
I’ll try to forget her,
I’ll spend the rest of my life trying.
And I apologise.
at least it will be easy to remember when
rejoice in small things and they will continue to grow
Every little thing that we do is important. Everything we say, every feeling we have, everything that happens to us is important ~ even though we may not realise just how important small things are until much later. This is because nothing happens in isolation, and huge events always begin with something small.
Just as a vast avalanche may begin with a tiny pebble rolling down a hill, hugely important events in our lives may begin with just a word, or a glance, or a decision just to say yes, or no.
Also there is the holistic theory of the interconnectedness of all things. Everything in the Cosmos has an effect on everything else, everything on Earth has an effect on everything else on the Earth, everyone we know has an effect on us and everyone else they know. Everything our significant other says, does, thinks, and feels has a huge effect on us and everyone we know. All things are interconnected.
All disasters and tragedies happen as a result of a series of interconnected events. For example most know that the sinking of the Titanic on 15th of April 1912 came about because the ship hit an iceberg, but that was only the proximate cause of the disaster. The reason so many died in the tragedy is the result of a series of interconnected events going right back to when the ship was designed and built. Some reasons the sinking of the Titanic killed 1,517 passengers and crew are; poor lifeboat drill aboard, not enough lifeboats and lifejackets, the ship was travelling too fast and too far north for the time of year, not enough lookouts, the lookouts had no binoculars, the Titanic’s radio operators did not give all the ice warnings to the bridge, the wrong avoiding action was took by the Titanic, the nearest ship to the disaster, (SS Californian), did not come to the aid of the Titanic….. and the less than perfect construction of the ship herself. (Only 703 souls survived.)
Similarly I have been suffering with very poor mental health over the last few weeks, the proximate cause of which is I have Borderline Personality Disorder, but that’s far from the whole story. Christmas has never been a good time of year for me, my closest friends aren’t going to see me over the holidays, I have insomnia, I have been neglecting my physical health, I’ve developed some bad personal habits, I picked up a bad cold / the flu….. So it’s not as simple as all that. Everything is important and, and everything is interconnected.
Some say that some things are just not important. And that it’s difficult to be fit and look smart when mentally, emotionally, and spiritually you feel like shit. All I know is mens sana in corpore sano ~ a healthy mind in a healthy body.
it would be nice to have multiple personalities
one of them might be happy one day
I feel as bad today as I have on any day of my life.
About 3 years ago I had double pneumonia, pleuresy, and 5 broken ribs.
A few years before that my business went bust because my partner was stealing all the capital I put into it.
Before that I quit / lost my highly paid job in banking, and at about the same time I got divorced.
A sorry tale, but today I feel as bad or worse as a I have ever felt in my life.
I suffer from life-threatening mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, and the myriad symptoms are making me feel stressed, distressed, and depressed. Add that to the flu I had this week and my life is hardly worth living.
As I said, today, in fact all of this week, I feel the worst I have ever felt in my life.
This is how I feel today.
I understood myself only after I destroyed myself.
It used to be thought by many doctors, and those in 12-step recovery programs, that addiction was a disease in its own right. Conversely many people believed that alcoholism, drug abuse, compulsive gambling, and other addictions were due to personal weakness. That it was all down to the search for instant self-gratification, and that addicts were just unwilling to stop ~ or perhaps unable to stop drinking, using, gambling…..
However, medical science no longer believes that pleasure-seeking alone drives addicts into their own personal hell. Doctors and scientists now think that most engage in addictive behaviour not so much to attain euphoria as to escape physical, emotional, and spiritual pain and distress.
This is certainly true in my own case. From time to time I drink far too much, not because I like booze or it makes me feel good. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, which is characterised by extreme emotions, and from time to time negative feelings such as anger, jealousy, paranoia, anxiety, and suicidal depression cause me so much physical, emotional, and spiritual pain that I escape into alcohol. And you know what? Drinking doesn’t really work.
In the USA 15.7 million people seriously abuse alcohol, and 2.6 million of those also suffer from a drug abuse disorder. In all some 7.7 million people in all use illicit drugs in the USA, and / or abuse prescription drugs. About 8% of the total population of the USA have a substance abuse problem. Many of these have multiple addictions ~ gambling, excessive use of pornography, and promiscuity also ruin lives. Doctors also believe that the type of addiction doesn’t matter at all; whether it be alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling, whatever….. all addictions are the same, addicts are people who try to escape physical, emotional, and spiritual distress.
Some 47,000 people a year die directly from an overdose of opiod drugs, and alcohol claims the lives of some 90,000 people a year. I know what that feels like, people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder have a 10% likelihood of committing suicide, which is over 1,000 times more than in the general population.
Some days I can barely breathe, I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. Some days I blame others for my pain and problems. Some days I am barely hanging on. And, some days life is pretty good.
The good news is that there are a number of effective treatments for addiction; including self-help strategies, psychotherapy, rehabilitation programs, and in some cases medication. (As it goes medication doesn’t work, and is actually dangerous for anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder.) But, I can protect myself from addiction by having meaningful and mindful interests in my life, together with supportive friendships. My problems and pain are very transient. And life isn’t always supposed to be fun and filled with pleasure, into every life a little rain must fall. Shit Happens
Some say that addiction only affects weak and pathetic people. And that there is no chance of recovery from any addiction. All I know is that I have many more good days than the bad days on which I hit the bottle.
recovery doesn’t work for those who need it
recovery works for those who want it
rock bottom will be the solid foundation on which I can remake my life
Over the past couple of weeks I have struggled to cope with the Borderline Personality Disorder I suffer from. I have been planning on focusing on my health after the Christmas holidays. Well, don’t hold your breath. Unless I can get much better pretty quickly I might be a basket case by the time 2020 rolls around.
If you have health, you probably will be happy, and if you have health and happiness, you have all the wealth you need, even if it’s not all you want. ~ Elbert Hubbard
I need to get some kind of recovery by avoiding booze, excessive stress, uncontrollable emotions, depression and anxiety, jealousy, and vicious mood swings. Probably I need to avoid thoughts and situations that emotionally drain me. I need to put my emotional health right at the top of my list.
I need to try to maintain my spiritual health by finding meaning and mindfulness in every thing I do. Avoiding activities that I find meaningless or stressful. Spiritual ill health weakens me physically and emotionally, and it’s easy to get sick if I am weak in mind and body.
Driving myself into the ground, finding yet another rock bottom serves no one. It decreases my chances of living a long and healthy life. Do I really want to sacrifice my health because of people, places, things, thought, and emotions?
My health needs to be positively maintained at all times. I really need to commit to looking after my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health for the remainder of my life.
Perhaps I could try being happy for a change.
having multiple personalities might be cool
one of them could be happy
take care of your body, it’s the only place you have to live
appetising, but not healthy at all
All is not well on the dietary front, all around us we see evidence of eating and drinking problems. Until recently, I myself was suffering with a binge drinking problem. In the West, alcoholism, eating disorders, obesity, and diabetes are all on the increase. Cheap drink fills our supermarkets, and fast food outlets are on almost every street corner. It’s disingenuous to say you’re living a great life when you’re ill with diabetes, liver disease, heart disease, or cancers.
There are always going to be people seeking the instant gratification to be gained from alcohol and the carefree consumption of fast food and takeout meals. But usually, delayed gratification and the careful choice of what we eat and drink will lead to a longer and healthier life ~ and if you’re still young and beautiful, then does it matter? Actually it does, and choose carefully because there are few second chances.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. ~ Mark Twain.
Assuming that eating and drinking only healthy and organic produce, and always staying totally sober is out of the question, then the secret is everything in moderation. If possible, avoid food and drinks that are obviously unhealthy, stay away from alcohol, refined sugars, high fructose corn syrup, and very fatty foods. These things increase your risk of; fatty liver disease, obesity, diabetes, cancers, harmful inflammations, and contain no essential nutrients whatsoever.
Try and develop some new healthy habits;
- drink plenty of water, about 6 pints a day, (US).
- Always eat something for breakfast.
- Have your 5 portions a day of fresh fruit and vegetables
- Cut out wheat and dairy products, (no cheese and crackers, no milk, no bread).
- Never, ever, buy a sandwich or a wrap.
- Only eat good quality meats, and no processed meats at all.
- Never, ever, have second helpings.
- Never, ever, eat late at night.
Whatever you eat and drink, avoid too much of one thing, cut out fast foods, stay away from high fructose corn syrup, and don’t drink more than about a bottle of red wine a week.
Some say that we are what we eat. And that a little booze never did anyone any harm at all. All I know is that most people in the West treat their bodies like trash cans.
simple tomato and avocado salad
with perseverance and endurance you can survive any storm
Nobody sane wants to suffer a doddering old age when you can’t remember anything or anyone. And certainly nobody wants to become an early victim of Alzheimer’s or Dementia.
Maybe most of us have had a parent or elderly relative who has suffered from memory loss, disorientation, poor judgement, mood swings, and a complete inability to live an independently normal life. To a certain extent maybe that can be expected and accepted when the sufferer in in their 80s or so, but why should it be? And why should anyone expect or accept the early onset of what should be a disease of the elderly such as Alzheimer’s Disease?
The fact is we can take steps to protect and, if necessary, repair our cognitive abilities. It’s not rocket science, look any website such as cognitive vitality and you will see that the things that we need to do to protect ourselves against things like dementia are exactly the same things we should be doing to live a healthy life. In order, and without even checking my information, these are;
- Stop smoking completely, (and vaping is even worse than smoking). Smoking will kill you in so many ways, but if you last long enough it will kill your brain.
- Don’t ever use drugs like pot, cocaine, heroin, (and don’t kid yourself that once in a while is OK). Don’t abuse prescription drugs, in fact as far as possible stop taking prescription drugs.
- Stop drinking, get sober, give up the booze, (and don’t even try to tell me that you can control your drinking). Drinking will also kill you in so many ways, but if you last long enough it will kill your brain.
- Eat for your brain. There is strong evidence that the right kind of diet will promote brain health. To begin with, stop eating canned food, processed food, and fast foods. Check out websites like Purple Almond Wellness.
- Get enough good quality sleep. Keep a regular bedtime 365 days a year, do not sleep in at weekends. Do not take sleeping medication, you should never need it.
- Take lots of fresh air, exercise, and sunshine. You know that you need to walk for your circulation to work properly? If you try the 10,000 steps a day thing you will sleep alright.
- Lose whatever causes you stress. You know that too much stress could kill you? It will certainly shorten your life expectancy and make you prone to nasty diseases such as cancer.
- Be active in mind and spirit. Keep learning, meet new people, get a hobby, do stuff. If you sit there drinking beer and watching sports TV your body weight is going to balloon and your IQ is going to plummet.
- Get really, really physically healthy. This is a big topic, so learn how to do it, start with a website like seven fitness tips for improved physical health. And don’t just sit there, get up and do things.
Some say that their lifestyle is fine. And that it’s OK to always drive the mile to the store and back. All I know is that the average American is killing themselves, and if they’re unlucky they’ll live long enough to kill their brain first.
being upset is no reason to;
drink, use drugs, smoke…
lately I haven’t been doing so much of walking the walk
that’s just about how I feel today