No woman is going to want to admit that she’s had casual sex in an Edsel. The Ford Edsel is not a cool car, it’s not even so ugly-pretty that it’s cool. The Edsel is just one of the worst cars ever made.
So what makes an Edsel such a terrible car? Start with how it looks, and it looks as though it was designed by a committee of the most boring preppy men Ford could come up with after searching through the worst colleges in America. I mean, who would design a grille that looks like a surprised toilet seat?
For a brand-new design the Edsel was about as innovative as a horse and cart. It was big and heavy ~ over 18 feet long and weighing in at two tons. It had a newly designed ohv V8 Ford MEL engine, (Mercury, Edsel, Lincoln), which was big at 410 cu in, (6.7 litres), powerful with 345 bhp and 475 ft lbs of torque, and very heavy. The Edsel had a slush-pump auto-box, and Hotchkiss live axle rear suspension that dated back to the 1930s. It also had some weird features, such as push-button gear selectors on the steering wheel.
And then the Edsel had the second worst marketing and sales campaign in the history of road transport, only eclipsed by that even bigger disaster, the Sinclair C5. From a teaser campaign that heralded the Edsel as the car for the future, to setting up a separate Edsel division within the Ford Motor Company and a separate dealership network, everything about the Edsel’s sales and marketing is a textbook example of how not to sell anything. Small wonder this dog of a car sold only 110,847 heavily discounted units ~ peanuts by Ford standards.
The Edsel was also relatively expensive, costing about the same as a Mercury, Pontiac, Oldsmobile, Buick and Dodge, which were much better products, with much better and more well-known names and images.
Because the Edsel was built on the same production line as standard Fords, the assemblers had to interrupt their routines when an Edsel came along, and many workers just didn’t bother to put the right parts in the right places. Therefore the Edsel was very badly built and suffered from consequent reliability problems. Issues ranged from a leaking trunk, (boot), in wet weather, to bad welding, and catastrophically dangerous power steering failures.
Allegedly, the Edsel drives like a canal barge. That huge V8 delivers pedestrian performance with a top speed just short of 120 mph, a 0-60 time of about 11 seconds, and terrible fuel consumption figures. The suspension is nothing to write home about, and so pressing-on is supposed to be accompanied by a lot of tyre squeal, initial understeer and then mad oversteer. Have I ever driven an Edsel? You have got to be joking.
Luckily there are only about 6,000 examples of this terrible car still in existence. There has to be more than that, everywhere I go on my various road trips I seem to come across an Edsel, or maybe they’re just so bad that they’re memorable. You can expect to pay about $10,000 for an immaculate example, if you were ever insane enough to want an Edsel.
Don’t buy an Edsel. They are not cool, an Edsel won’t make a satisfying hobby, they will make a terrible investment, and no cool girl will ever want to have sex with you in that car.
When I first ran away from real life and came to my seaside apartment I was a broken man. The thought of friendships and relationships made me feel physically ill. I also began to relearn who I really was. The true Jack Collier cannot abide clutter, untidiness, dust, dirt, and mess. Neither physical, mental, and emotional muddle sit well with me.
Nor do I seem to be particularly acquisitive. The pleasures of collecting things; pictures, ornaments, and the like, largely passes me by. Although I have been, and still am, guilty of having far too many books and too much recorded music, (in its multifarious forms), than can be good for one person.
Fashion does not particularly interest me. My sheepskin ‘flying’ jacket is more than 20 years old, and I am still wearing dress shoes almost as old as that. ~ but then I’m a man.
Without any planning or conscious thought I began the process of decluttering my life.
Some of this was easier than you would think, because there are only three little rules;
- Do not buy anything that does not have an immediate and specific purpose in your life.
- If you have things which do not have a specific purpose in your life, then either sell them, give them away, or dump them in the trash.
- Never, ever, leave anything out in the open, cluttering up table-tops, counter tops, bedside cabinets, dressers, sinks, the sides of the bath… If you are not actually using something right now, then always put everything away. If there’s nowhere to keep whatever it is ~ say clothes you haven’t worn for years, then follow rule #2.
What I did not realise until very recently is that living attracts clutter like a dog attracts fleas. Decluttering your life is not a one-off event, it’s an ongoing process which requires vigilance and effort. Consequently I am still selling stuff through eBay and Amazon, I am still a regular visitor to my local thrift / charity / goodwill stores, and I still find myself tossing things into the trash.
Worst of all, I still sometimes buy things I don’t really need, or even want. And, like all men, I am terrible at returning things to the store.
How does endless sunshine, stylish bars and restaurants, great shopping, fantastic attractions, and a totally cool, (weird), nightlife sound to you? For someone brought up in a North of England coal mining town it sounds fabulous.
From the Pacific coast find the Christopher Columbus Transcontinental Highway, (aka Interstate 10), and before you get to Whitewater look for route 111 and head south-east into Palm Springs.
(Picture by the girl riding shotgun)
Palm Springs is a one street town. Almost everything cool is either on or just off Palm Canyon Drive. Baristo Road is east west and crosses Palm Canyon Drive, (for those who don’t know how street signs work in the USA).
To be more truthful, central Palm Springs is a two street town, because Palm Canyon Drive is one-way, heading south. To double back on oneself, take Indian Canyon Drive, heading North. If you’re searching for a classic car for your next road trip, then check out the auction lots on Indian Canyon Drive. But, take my advice, don’t buy an Edsel.
If you are in Southern California, Palm Springs is a place which just oozes sexual energy, of whatever flavour you like. Don’t forget, this town is both close enough and far enough away from Hollywood to have made it one of the illicit meeting places of choice for the stars of the silver screen. The restaurant in the picture is called Lulu.
pictures by jack collier
Rest In Peace, The Best 4×4 By Far
All good things must come to an end. My Lightweight Land Rover was one of the best things I ever had. Proper Land Rovers are fairly ugly, ( the Lightweight pictured is incredibly ugly), boxy, heavy, slow, uncomfortable, thirsty, rugged ~ a ‘proper’ Land Rover is one of the coolest cars a man can buy. And, should you ever want to take off into the middle of a desert, on a dirt road, for a couple of weeks at a time, then there is no better car to choose than a ‘proper’ Land Rover.
The modern ‘proper’ Land Rover is called Defender, but before Land Rover went chichi and upmarket on us, all Land Rovers were rugged off-road vehicles equally suited to driving down Regent Street in London as they were to carrying troops across a battlefield. The iconic Land Rover is said to be The Queen’s favourite car.
The very first Land Rovers were built, by the Rover Company, to replace the ubiquitous Jeep just after the end of WWII. The whole design ethos can be traced back to those 2 simple facts. It had to replace the Jeep and it was going to be British, and Britain was broken and destitute after WWII. The Land Rover had to be a rugged, go-anywhere 4×4 workhorse. Steel was in short supply in the UK so the body is aluminium, it had to use as many existing components as possible, looks and comfort didn’t much matter, and it had to be cheap. The 1948 version cost £450.
The simple solution found by Rover designer Maurice Wilks was to manufacture a strong box section chassis, and just hang everything else off that. Just look at that chassis. Rugged or what? Over-engineered perhaps. At the beginning all Land Rovers came in sage-green because a job-lot of surplus paint was acquired from a fighter aircraft factory.
Basically, once the basic steel frame has been welded together, everything else is bolted on. Or pop-riveted. Or screwed. Or banged in with a hammer. For English boys of a certain age if I say that a Land Rover is just a man-sized Meccano, they will know exactly how it was built. (USA Erector Set) As the blurb for the Erector Set says the ability to build a model, then take it apart and build something else, over and over again. And, do you know what? You can do the same thing with a full-sized Land Rover.
If your Land Rover is falling apart, you can take it completely apart, down to the last nut and bolt, and then build it again, but perhaps differently, and better. Choose cart springs or coil? Part-time or full-time four-wheel drive? Pick any engine you like, and as far as the body is concerned, the choice is too wide to mention. The most extreme Land Rover bodywork is the 101 Forward Control, which makes a fantastic camper / RV. This thing was mostly used as a military ambulance or command car.
This flexibility and rebuild-ability means that the Land Rover is the greenest car ever built, dust to dust. More than 80% of all the ‘proper’ Land Rovers ever built since 1948 are still in use~ they don’t get thrown away, they get recycled. Which should have pleased the environmental nutcases is California, but didn’t. Perhaps they didn’t like its military connections.
Since the first Land Rover was built in 1948 some 200,000 have been bought for military use, and like all Land Rovers have appeared in a bewildering range of variants. As well as the 101 there were tracked, amphibious, fire engines… The most famous variant being the Pink Panthers used by the SAS, (Special Air Service), the UK’s and World’s premier special service force. The pink colour is desert camouflage. You would understand that if you’d ever been into the desert.
However, there are a few problems having a real Land Rover as your only car. For example; they are illegal in the USA, they are slowish and use a lot of fuel, comfort isn’t what they are built for, they are tall and a long way off the ground, the heating system is pathetic…. But, as I said, if you really want to drive off into the desert, this is your vehicle of choice, at least you will stand some chance of returning.
There is an all new Land Rover Defender coming off the stocks. But the new Land Rover Defender isn’t even going to be built at its traditional home, in Solihull, in Britain. A new factory in Slovakia, (Slovakia? Did anything good ever come from that part of the world), will build the chichi new Defender DC100, which looks like a bigger version of BMW’s Mini that’s been frightened by a plastic bath-tub. More suitable for the supermarket car park than the Sahara Desert.
Good Grief! But money talks. Land Rover will be able to sell this toy car in the USA. They are just dumb enough to buy it if it’s cheap.
I have owned a couple of Land Rovers, including a Lightweight, and the kid’s toy look of the new DC100 just doesn’t cut it. It’s a girl’s car, or maybe a hairdresser’s, at least a metrosexual guy who worries about his manicure more than his car.
Don’t worry, get a tool kit and build your own ‘proper’ Land Rover. All you need is a hammer ~ well maybe. It’s the tool of choice in Slovakia.
most photographs from google
That’s a pretty open question.
Let me be more specific.
What’s wrong with women who want to turn their guy into someone else?
Every women I have ever met wants to ‘improve’ the man they’re in a relationship with. Most women will not just take a guy for himeslf. Most women want their guy to dink less beer and watch less sports television.
You would think that if woman wants their other half to be different, then they would have looked for a different man in the first place. It’s not as though women are short of choice when it comes to men. Almost any woman can get any man they want, given that the man in question is interested in sex and the woman is willing to oblige.
So, a woman starts dating a reclusive guy, who lives comfortably alone in his sparsely furnished garret. Before the poor fool knows what’s happening ‘She’ has invaded his space and started to change things. Curtains, rugs, and colour start to appear in his comfortably all-white garret, spoiling the simplicity of the bare floorboards. ‘She’ starts buying him clothes he would never have bought for himself. She changes his brand of aftershave / cologne. ‘She’ wants him to buy a sensible car instead of the insane sports car he’s very happy driving.
Perhaps ‘She’ suggests a change of job / career might be better for his happiness. ‘She’ says that he should spend less time at the sports bar with his pals, maybe drink a little less, eat more vegetables and less prime steak.
In short, ‘She’ wants to improve her man by changing him ~ ‘She’ wants him to put away boyish things and grow up. ‘She’ wants him to be successful.
Success took me to her bosom like a maternal boa constrictor. ~ Noel Coward
All this change and impovement results from the maternal instinct in women.
The bottom line is; Give a woman an acorn and the next thing you know you’re up to your rump in oak trees. Col. Thaddeus Gearhart
So, now we are into 2015, do you want to own the cutest little classic GT? Buy a Triumph GT6
So, now the holidays are over, do you want a reliable and practical GT? Do not buy a Triumph GT6
Some say that the Triumph GT6 is a baby E-Type Jaguar. And, that it’s practical enough to drive every day. All I know is that the Mk3 is an incredibly pretty little car. Stick a V12 up front and it could have been a Ferrari.
The Triumph GT6 was in production from 1966 to 1973. Some 25,100 were built. Like the Triumph Spitfire, the GT6 traces its heritage back to the Triumph Herald via the 6 cylinder Triumph Vitesse. All are built on a rather flexible separate chassis-frame with all-independant suspension ~ wishbones at the front and very problematical high-pivot swing-axles at the rear. This combination gives an incredibly tight turning circle and catastrophic snap oversteer at the limit of grip. A Mk1 GT6 that hasn’t its suspension properly maintained or upgraded is going to stuff you into a hedge on rainy day.
There was no plan to build the GT6 when the Spitfire was conceived, and the first iteration of the GT6 design was a coupe version of the Spitfire. Only one prototype Spitfire GT was built ~ it was too heavy and underpowered with the 63bhp 4 cylinder engine. This car was quickly redesigned to take the 1600cc six from the Vitesse.
This was still underpowered so a 95bhp 2 litre version of the six was installed, along with a close-ratio, all-synchomesh gearbox with optional Laycock overdrive. The weakness was still the chassis and swing-axle rear suspension. However, the Mk1 GT6 could be made to handle very well indeed, at the expense of ride comfort. Please do not buy a Mk1 GT6, unless you also intend to do some / a lot of work on the rear suspension. There are plenty of magazine articles and parts still available for the GT6.
In 1968 the Mk2 was introduced. This had more power, (104bhp), a revised rear suspension, a better interior and better ventilation. A GT6 can get very hot inside due to the big engine in a small body. The much prettier Mk3, (to my eyes), came in 1970. This did away with external seams on the front wings and had a much better looking tail-end.
You could drive a well-sorted GT6 across continents. The smooth straight six engine, overdrive gearbox, and high final drive make for very relaxed cruising. But in a hot country you are going to get very, very warm in a GT6. The cockpit is small, and the straight six chucks out a lot of heat. If you want to keep cool think about a GT6 with a Webasto sunroof. What the GT6 isn’t cool with is coping with roads like the Stelvio Pass at speed. Unless you are very good, and the suspension is in first-class condition, any cowardice in the corner will give you snap oversteer and see you going backwards to your doom. The handling of any GT6 can go from acceptable to lethal in an instant due to lift-off snap oversteer. It isn’t only a Porsche 911 that can send you backwards through a garden wall.
The GT6 is strictly a two-seater, but the luggage space under the rear hatch is big enough for a week’s family shopping or the luggage for a continental road trip. Unless you mess with the engine a lot, you should get in excess of 30 MPG, and the 8 gallon fuel tank will give you an acceptable range.
You can expect to pay anywhere between £2,000 and £12,000 for a GT6, depending on condition and originality. You can spend thousands of hours and thousands of £££$$$£££ keeping the thing running and improving it. There is no such thing as a GT6 soft top / convertible. That is called a Spitfire, however it is engined.
Like all Triumphs of this period the GT6 rusts. Like the Herald, Vitesse and Spitfire, the GT6 also rattles. The footwells can get very hot in summer. The six cylinder engine leaks oil and has thrust washer problems. (At least the perpetual oil leaks help protect the front chassis from rust.) The differential should not whine, if it does, it’s probably worn out. The gearbox is weak for the power it handles. The suspension requires regular and careful maintenance. In particular the transverse leaf spring at the rear will sag over time ~ this does not improve the handling. You will need an appropriate workshop manual.
Rust is the main enemy of cars from this era, with accident damage coming a close second. Rust in the rear chassis is almost to be expected, and it is terminal. A new chassis is no longer available from Rimmer Bros, although plenty of repair sections are. It’s no laughing matter taking the body off a GT6 chassis, and it’s bloody difficult to get it properly back on again. Beware of any car where the panel gaps are uneven and the doors do not hang properly. The huge bonnet is available new at something like £1,300, again from Rimmer Bros. Rust in the sills of a GT6 is very serious as there is no outboard chassis framing. The Herald / Spitfire / GT6 chassis is strictly a backbone.
There is endless tuning / upgrade potential for the GT6. Swapping the 2 litre engine for the long stroke 2.5 litre version will give anything up to 150bhp. Take this engine out to 2.7 litres and you should easily get 180bhp. Personally, I would not have the Lucas mechanical fuel injection system again for any money, (that is unless you have a wide experience of older diesel engines). Instead I would fit triple Weber 40 DCOE carburetors, (or 45’s). Putting more power into a GT6 will give you a seriously fast car, but you will also need to upgrade the brakes, suspension, gearbox, differential…. And, the already hard ride will probably get harder.
Alternatives to the Triuph GT6 include the MGBGT, Reliant Scimitar GTE, Ford Capri, Lotus Elan Plus 2, and Nissan 240Z.
Like all classic cars a GT6 will need lots of care and attention. I would suggest that, if you are going to spend money on a GT6, then cure the rust, get the suspension and brakes into first class working order, and improve the cooling. Don’t bother with wheels any wider than 6 inches.
You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to suffer rejection in silence.
In my eyes
you will always be strong
you would always please me
‘though your deeds are unsung
no raging Southern sea
no far-flung oceans
no white sand and palm trees
no heroic rescues
no chic fashions
no Parisienne frisson
only one sexual position
solid and dependable
partner not lover
I passed you over
for faster and younger
you have done better
than this failed go-getter
In my eyes
words and picture by jack collier
MEN ARE NOT THE SAME AS WOMEN
Psychologists, psychiatrists, and people in white coats from many branches of science are usually prepared to admit that there is a difference between the brain of the average manly man, from that of the average womanly woman. However, these same smart people will also often admit that they have no real idea about what causes one person to develop behaviour patterns largely associated with one sex and not the other. Scientists can even measure the differences between the brains of men and women, and there are a lot, but knowing how big the differences are doesn’t say much about how they come about.
As one glaringly obvious example, females handle language in a different and more specialised part of their brain than do males. In general women are far more naturally articulate than men, and use a greater number of ways to communicate. But why? It could be that it’s genetic and down to the obvious biological differences between men and women which makes our brains work differently. It could be that men and women have totally different race memories. Or, it could be that it’s mostly down to different nurturing, conditioning, education and experience. With no apologies to Feminists or the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender, (LGBT), it turns out that it’s all three. Some differences between the sexes are hard-wired and immutable. Some differences between the manner in which the sexes behave are down to basic biology.
The genetic bias is intense enough to cause a substantial division of labour between women and men, even in the most egalitarian of societies. Even if the sexes receive identical education and equal access to all professions, men are likely to have a disproportionate role in politics, business, engineering and science. Women have a disproportionately greater role in child-minding, and in nurturing professions such as medicine. Sociobiologists believe women are genetically programmed for maternal feelings, for superior verbal abilities, and for performing repetitive tasks not requiring deep thought. In contrast, men are genetically suited to more logical and analytical thinking and have superior spacial awareness.
Men and women are so different that we may as well be different species.
Men need to solve problems, and women need to talk.
There are large behavioural overlaps between the sexes. It is possible for a person with a woman’s biology to think they are really a guy, (gender identity), yet still behave in a feminine way. Some women have more masculine traits than other women. Some women can even throw a ball, or use a wrench correctly, or tell left from right. Some men have more feminine traits than other men. Some men can do multitasking, hold a conversation, or even choose clothes in matching colours. Nonetheless, the standard, comical, caricatures of men and woman are mostly correct in that men are inarticulate insensitive brutes, and women are chatty emotional and nurturing creatures.
What this means that men and women react very differently to situations. Women tend to feel things more deeply, and with a far greater range of emotions than do men. Women keep score, and never forget. Within seconds, most men will have forgotten something insensitive they said to their significant other, thinking it didn’t matter anyhow, and that they were right all along. In contrast, women will feel that hurt to the core of their being, try and assign a wider meaning to the insensitive comment, think about their relationship with their guy, look for hidden meanings, add the hurt to the list of other ‘bad’ things their guy has done, and usually forgive him. Eventually.
Women are always forgiving men for something we have done. Often guys do very dumb stuff, but often guys have no idea why what they did was so bad. That’s because men and women look at the world differently, and women tend to care far more than men. Most men could care less about other people, especially about people who mean little to them in practical terms ~ which is basically 99.9% of the entire world. Most women are genetically programmed to care about people, and when their guy is disparaging toward someone they care about, then women tend tend to become very upset. The problem for most guys is that most women care about most people, in one way or another.
In general, it takes a real effort for a man to think about, care about, understand, or even acknowledge the existence of anyone outside of his immediate family and small circle of friends. In general, women want to know everything about everyone they meet. In general woman have a much wider circle of friends than most men, care about them, remember names and faces. Women even remember and care about birthdays, anniversaries, special dates…
These gender differences can cause real problems in relationships between men and women. Often men are very unthinking and unfeeling creatures, and there isn’t much a guy can do to change his underlying genetic programming / race memories / conditioning. So men tend to upset women.
Because all men have some feminine traits, the things that guys do which so upset women will sometimes also upset men.
And, so what? As behavioural scientists know, most men could care less about the feelings of others. Most of the time, most men have such a shallow and narrow range of emotions, that they themselves don’t feel much more than the most basic things. Some say that all human behaviour can be reduced to four, (possibly six) basic emotions. these are; happiness, sadness, fear / surprise, anger / disgust. Well, that ‘research’ had to have been undertaken by a bunch of guys because even I know that the emotions of womanly women are much more complicated and complex than that. Men see things in straight lines and in terms of black and white. Women see the whole of the world in all of it’s colours and complexities.
The bottom line is; Men should think twice before they say or do anything. If a guy can’t think of anything nice to say, he shouldn’t say anything at all. If you really want to hurt a woman, then just be an average guy for a while.
THERE ARE VERY FEW WAYS TO IMPRESS A VERY SOPHISTICATED WOMAN ~ TWELVE INCHES OF SHINY BLACK VINYL IS ONE
I don’t often spend my free time wandering around shopping malls, browsing, not wanting to buy anything in particular, not needing anything in particular. To be honest the only thing on my wish list is a classic V12 E-Type Jaguar convertible in Dark British Racing Green, and I’m not holding my breath. However, after browsing the smoking-hot and heavily made-up assistants prowling around the better cosmetics outlets, I went into a store I thought had closed. HMV, the record store, also known as His Master’s Voice, the place that still sells music and movies on physical media. And there, right there among the Blu-ray discs and overpriced DVD’s was a nugget. Right there in front of me was a veritable Gem of the first water. A Real Man is unable to resist something like that.
As well as thinking HMV had gone out of business, I also thought that nobody was making proper records anymore. Well, as it turns out they are. I bought myself a brand-new copy of Rumours. The seminal Fleetwood Mac album from 1977 on shiny black vinyl inside a decent sized sleeve, with the classic photograph of artist and dancer / muse in supplication on the front cover. Rumours is the 14th best selling album of all time, over 10 million copies had been sold by the end of 1978, and I didn’t have a copy, not on black vinyl I didn’t.
The tracks on this fabulous album are;
- Second Hand News
- Never Going Back Again
- Don’t Stop
- Go Your Own Way
- The Chain
- You Make Loving Fun
- I Don’t Want To Know
- Oh Daddy
- Gold Dust Woman
All of these tracks are massively commercial, and all of them have hearts of tortured dreams and unresolved jealousy. I know a good girl, I don’t know if she has heard Oh Daddy, perhaps she should.
So, given that I also have this album on compact disk and as downloaded digital files on various little boxes. Why another copy, on a fragile and unwieldy one-foot diameter piece of black vinyl, where the sound is generated by a process that is over two centuries old? Because it’s better is why.
The sound on a ‘proper’ record isn’t digitised, remastered, re-edited, or made up of miniscule chunks of ones and zeros. The sound you get from a proper record is analogue. Analogue is something the younger generation know nothing about. Analogue is full-fat, high protein, carbohydrate free, flash-grilled, 36 ounce, rib-eye steak to digital’s yeast protein burger. A Long-Playing 33 1/3 record, when played on a hugely expensive, hugely huge, hugely hot, power-hungry, high-fidelity system that has glowing valves and trailing wires to the massive speakers in the corner of the room, sounds ‘better’ than actually being there.
High fidelity analogue recorded music sounds heart-rending, emotionally good and real. Women are very auditory creatures. This album, played on a decent system, will make strong girls cry and even bring a lump to the throat of a very manly man. The driving bass of The Chain, which has the best guitar break of all time, the classic lyrics of Dreams, and the slow sad Oh Daddy story of unrequited love will melt the stoniest lady’s loins.
Face it guys, there’s not much a man can do that will actually impress a hot date. She has seen it all before, heard every line before, she’s been wooed by taller, better looking, richer, fitter guys than you. A hot date will have been inside more expensive restaurants than you’ve had cooked meals. She will have been driven there in cooler cars than yours by guys wearing Armani who can afford to buy her Chanel. If she has gone back to their place, it will have been bigger, cooler and better decorated than your garret. That guy’s bed-linen will be of the highest thread-count pure linen, cotton, silk or satin. He may even have better booze than yours. But, unless he is, actually, Mister James Bond, he will not have a decent record player.
Just putting a record on the deck, all of that shiny black vinyl reflecting the lights, has all of the simple elegance of a traditional Japanese Tea Ceremony. And, after the record goes around and around, the music goes up a sensual tone-arm, into a big and softly glowing amplifier, and then the music comes out all over your room. She will go silent, and just a little bit misty-eyed.
You have her at the first vocals of Second Hand News, and if you don’t have her at that, then you don’t want her. Trust me on this. If she doesn’t melt, then throw her back, no matter how hot she is.
In that case, why do so few men have high-fidelity record-players in their lonely garret?
At the end of the achingly beautiful track Songbird, you will discover why so few men have high-fidelity record-players these days. That’s the end of that side, the music stops, and perhaps all you get is the rhythmic shush ~ shush ~ shush as the needle tries not to track over the label in the middle of all that shiny black vinyl. A man has to leave his hot date, where ever they are and whatever they are doing, to turn over the damn record. Which can be inconvenient and break the mood a little. In addition, the things you need to play the things on are normally hugely huge and eat power like a hungry horse eating small carrots. You have to find some way to hide all the fat wires, the records themselves take up a lot of space, are expensive, fragile and these days difficult to get hold of.
In short, real records, on real high-fidelity record players, are just the sort of thing to impress a hot, sophisticated and worldly wise woman. A good hi-fi is as expensive, impractical, stylish, rare, inconvenient and uncomfortable as a pair of Christian Louboutin with 5 inch heels. And we all think they are very sexy. The big downside is, just like Christian Louboutin, Musical Fidelity is Expensive.
The solution for the end of the recording’s lonely shush ~ shush ~ shush? I have a remote for my amplifier and record deck. The digitised music is already set up on a computer. Without moving I can switch from hot foreground music to soft smooth jazz in the background. No worries.
A partial extract from the forthcoming book; Urban Survival Skills for Men