my wish is to wake up a better person than when I went to bed
We always want what we think we can’t have ~ that’s just human nature. It’s striving to get what we think we can’t have, to dream the impossible dream, to find new experiences and new loves that makes men and women do things like climb Mt. Everest, invent the wheel, put a man on the moon, and besiege Troy for the love of Helen. And every time ordinary people said they were crazy.
If we become a better person we are not only able to take better care of ourselves, we can also take better care of others, especially the people we have feelings for, especially the one we love the most of all.
When you take care of yourself, you’re a better person for others. When you feel good about yourself, you treat others better. ~ Solange Knowles.
Ergo, the first thing you should want to become is a superior version of yourself. Look after yourself, get healthier, fitter, stronger in body, mind, and spirit ~ get control of your emotions, get out in the fresh air and sunshine, get some exercise, read some good books, listen to some uplifting talks on YouTube….. Not only that, take a good hard look at yourself and be brutally honest; are you looking as good as you could? Hair, manicure, clothes, shoes, is your skin as healthy and glowing as it could be, do you smell nice?
What about your finances? Have you got spare cash at the end of the month, or are you continually broke? Are you in a dead-end job that pays peanuts? Do you actually manage your money, balance your cheque book?
And how are your relationships? Are you still madly in love with your partner, or are you in a dysfunctional relationship? Do you like to see your family regularly, or, like me are you totally estranged? Have your friends all turned to strangers?
You know you need to make some changes and rearrange your whole life, and deep down you really know what it is you need to do ~ so do it. You have had enough lessons from life ~ so use them and unfuck your life. You’d think you’d have made some changes by now, so dump the apathy, and be who who really want to be.
And if you don’t know who you want to be, then find yourself your ideal role model, and become them. It does not even have to be a real person; you may want to be India Jones, James Bond, Achilles, Holly Golightly, Ellen Ripley, or Aphrodite ~ don’t just sit there, do something about it ~ act as if you were that person. You will never become your role model, but along the way you will become a superior version of yourself.
Some say that there are going to be some changes around here ~ tomorrow. And that they are just running around in crazy circles like a rat on a wheel. All I know is I hope we find our way someday soon.
don’t all men just love that kind of discourse with a woman they care about?
if you’re going through hell, keep going
Severe anxiety and depression will blight your life, make you incapable of doing even the simplest things, alter your personality for the worse, give you panic attacks, headaches, breathing problems, digestive problems, heart problems, extreme fatigue, and fill you with a foreboding of doom. Oh, and most likely your blood pressure will go through the roof.
Go to see your doctor and most likely they will tell you that you are suffering from a mild to moderate state of anxiety and depression, and medicate you with something like Xanax or Prozac, amd maybe Zyprexa. All of these drugs directly affect the chemistry in your brain ~ when you take them you are not you. All of these drugs have serious side effects, up to and including making you want to commit suicide. Unless body, mind, and spirit are all nurtured, full recovery can never take place. Taking an antidepressant / anti-anxiety drug is just painting over the problem, you need to find the proximate cause of your severe mental illness and find a way of dealing with it.
The potential causes of your anxiety and depression are many and mostly a part of what should be a normal life ~ but even normality can be taken to extremes. You will probably have recently experienced, or still be suffering, one or more of these shattering events; death of a loved one, or someone you felt you should have loved, a failed relationship, a toxic and dysfunctional relationship, separation, leaving home, divorce, physical illness, a very shitty job, loss of your job, poverty, bullying, fear, taking care of the sick and elderly, worry about getting old and your looks, lack of good sex, spiritual issues….. and you are most likely addicted to booze, medication, or something like pot and cocaine. Also, anything and everything bad in your past means you are suffering from stored pain.
Nobody is even remotely interested in your pain. Your family and friends will proffer fatuous and useless advice. You must be willing to take full responsibility for your own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Especially you must stop hurting yourself with booze, too much medication, drugs, cigarettes, bad food, not eating, and not getting enough sunshine, fresh air, and exercise. If you don’t take care of yourself you will get sicker, you might die.
Most importantly stop trying to please other people all the time. You cannot ever change other people, you can only distance yourself from them so they stop hurting you. You must be the real and true you, and not someone that those around you think you should be.
Some say that you cause all your own problems. And that you just spend all your time feeling sorry for yourself. All I know is that you will get much better if you stop listening to all those unhelpful toxic people.
you can get used to almost anything
except death, but by then nothing matters
if you want to conquer the anxiety of life
live in the moment, live in the breath
If you are tormented by stress, if distress is making your life a misery, then what is the best way to live with it? The short answer is don’t. If the situation you’re in is so stressful it’s making you ill; for example a dysfunctional relationship, or a really shitty job, then just leave, get out take yourself away from the cause of your stress. If someone else is causing you great distress; for example your ex is stalking you, then do whatever it takes to make them stop, including invoking the full force of the law. If what you’re doing to yourself is the biggest cause of your stress; for example you are drinking to much, using drugs, gambling, living a promiscuous life….. the for fucks sake stop.
You may / will need help to stop doing whatever it is you’re doing that’s making you ill with stress ~ start with your doctor, who will want to give you ‘happy pills’ like Prozac. Medication for stress is worse than useless, except as a short-term life preserver. Most medication your doctor may want to give you for stress will be addictive in it’s own right, and SSRIs like Prozac might make you want to kill yourself.
To live a fairly normal life if you are suffering from severe stress then try some / all of these;
(there isn’t room to fully explain all these here, this is your chance to use your Google skills)
- Routine. Have a very solid daily and weekly routine, do the same essential things at the same time every day. This will take away some of your worries because a lot of the time you can operate on auto-pilot. Most importantly go to bed at the same time every night, and get up at the same time every morning.
- Get Enough Good Sleep. Stress causes sleep problems, and lack of sleep makes you anxious, agitated, impatient, and stressed. It’s a vicious circle. You need 6 to 9 hours of good sleep every night. Don’t use sleep medication, in the long term that’s harmful and addictive.
- Physical Activity. Regular physical activity will benefit your physical, mental, and spiritual health. Fresh air and exercise will alleviate your anxiety, stress, and depression ~ it will also help you to sleep at night. Try the 10,000 steps a day challenge ~ it helps.
- Meditation and Mindfulness. Before you go to bed at night try to meditate for 20 or 30 minutes. Practicing mindfulness is proven to help relieve stress.
- Breathing. There are a lot of controlled breathing / relaxation techniques. I have something very individual that works for me, kept me alive more than once.
- Learn Effective Time Management. If you are constantly running from pillar to post, then no wonder you are stressed. If you are at everyone else’s beck and call, plagued by interruptions, then no wonder you are stressed.
- Dietary Supplements. The chances are you’re not eating well, so the chances are your body is chronically short of vital vitamins and minerals; for example a deficiency of potassium or vitamin K might kill you.
There are innumerable websites that will give you all the information and advice you need on the above topics.
Some say that they’re not really stressed. And they’re just having a bad day. All I know is that less stress equals more happiness.
If you’re in real trouble, sit quietly for a while, empty your mind; and do not do anything stupid.
the trouble with introspection is that is has no end
my mood today
Still in hospital ~ I’m pretty down, depressed, and very troubled. Nothing seems to be going right for me ~ excepting I’m not dead and I haven’t had to have major surgery. I have some good and caring friends on this site, and who I met through this site, but I’m certain all of them think I’m crazy. Nothing much I can do about that other than every single day try to be a better man than I was yesterday. I hope my friends try to understand.
Now I’m free of the catheter I was able to take a bath this morning ~ you might have no idea just how good a soak in a hot bath feels if all you’ve had in about 10 days is a bed bath. My skin doesn’t feel madly itchy, and my hair doesn’t feel greasy and lousy anymore ~ and I had a proper wet shave. They won’t let me wear aftershave; why is that?
I’ve seen the nutritionist, who was nice, even though she gave me a good talking-to about my previous eating habits, and especially about my getting very drunk every few weeks. I have to completely change my lifestyle, and eat a modified Paleo diet;
- No Alcohol at all, ever
- lots of fruits and vegetables
- high fibre plants and whole grains, but not legumes
- nuts and seeds, but not peanuts
- low fat meats and oily fish
- very little added sugar, salt ~ and no trans fats, saturated fats, refined carbohydrates (flour)
- no processed foods at all
But I can have black coffee and green tea.
Why do I think my whole life up ’till now has been a total failure? But dreams can come true, if you have your dreams and you’re strong enough.
The most introspective of souls are often those that have been hurt the most. ~ Shannon Alder
Other things on my agenda today are an ultrasound on my carotid arteries and a PET scan ~ they keep testing me for possible precancerous signs. Thus far I’ve been lucky, apart from early-stage alcoholic fatty liver.
I also have to go for a walk today. That should be fun, so far everywhere I needed to go in here a porter took me in a wheelchair. If I’m going home tomorrow I’ve got to get up and get back on my own two feet again. That’s not just walking, that’s my whole life ~ because at the moment large parts of my life are down the toilet.
Some say that if you have just one good friend then you can do anything. And that if you truly love someone you can conquer the world. Too bad that love is blind.
my life is merely a darkling reflection in a winter mirror
agriculture is all about profit, it’s never been about health
The first thing to know about the Paleo Diet is that it has bugger-all to do with the Paleolithic era of man, which actually lasted from about 3.3 million years BC until about 14,000 years ago when the Paleolithic era morphed into the Neolithic Era. During most of the Paleolithic era people weren’t even what can be called human. During all of that time ‘man’ used stone tools, ‘lithic’ means ‘of stone’, and the for all of that time ‘man’s’ diet was whatever he could kill or gather from the environment around him, wherever he happened to live. Acorns don’t feature heavily in any popular diet I know of.
Since The Wolf Moon on January 10th this year my life keeps getting better and better ~ different and better. I have made a conscious decision to turn back the clock on my lifestyle and live more like our Neolithic ancestors did ~ in terms of diet and exercise that is….. And so help me, a proper Paleo Diet is a good starting point ~ there is a difference between some popular versions of the Paleo Diet and what is good for you.
First, what isn’t included in a Paleo Diet; refined sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, grains like wheat, barley, and rice….. all of those will make you ill, maybe cause cancers, and eventually kill you. Also avoid; Legumes like beans and peas, dairy like milk and cheese, (make your own mind up about eggs), most vegetable oils like corn oil and sunflower oil, trans fats like you find in margarine, look for the words ‘hydrogenated’ and avoid that like the plague. Don’t consume anything with artificial sweeteners like aspartame and saccharin, these are nasty and will hurt your body, cut down on salt. Don’t eat processed foods, nothing from cans, no pre-prepared meals in an aluminium or plastic tray, nothing labeled ‘diet’ or ‘low-fat’. If it looks like it was made in a factory don’t eat it.
Don’t buy take-out ~ you don’t know what’s in it, and have you ever seen around back of a take-out place? Dirt, rats, cockroaches, dangerous filth….. Don’t eat at restaurants too often.
What should we eat, what am I going to eat?
- fruits and vegetables, but not legumes like beans and peas.
- nuts and seeds, good luck on buying acorns.
- lean meats, grass fed if possible.
- Fish, especially those fish rich in omega-3, like salmon, mackerel, herring, albacore tuna. Cod and haddock are good too because you know they must be wild-caught.
- Use good oil from fruits and nuts, extra virgin olive oil is my staple.
- Potatoes. Strictly speaking I shouldn’t eat high starch food, but I’m not giving up on a jacket potato with my steak.
Also I do not ever take medication, the side-effects aren’t trivial, they are effects, not innocent side-effects. Most medication will make you very sick sooner or later, and all medication is addictive sooner or later. Avoid alcohol and drugs, do not use pot, it will give you schizophrenia, do not ever ever even experiment with something like cocaine. The effects on your brain never, ever go away.
Along with a good diet I will also exercise like our neolithic ancestors, and they walked. Imagine walking down a herd of bison. How far do you think you need to walk to exhaust a bison?
Some say that modern processed foods are a boon. And that take-out pizza and beer makes for a healthy diet. All I know is I want to be fit, healthy, and looking forward to a long life.
if you want to drink,
stick to a little red wine,
or a good British beer.
you can’t pour from an empty glass
Especially in recent weeks, and perhaps for years before that, I have been sick; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Over the Holidays I was so ill it almost killed me. The proximate cause of my illness was drinking to much, and that also meant that I didn’t eat, nor did I sleep. It was so bad that a few days ago I hit rock bottom ~ where I didn’t care if I lived or died.
I have recovered from that nadir of my unhappy existence. Recovered enough that I know I don’t ever want to go there again. I want to life a different life from where I’ve ever been before, I want to live a better life ~ even though I’m not yet certain what any of that means.
However, I believe I know how I got there; I was looking to other people to create my happiness for me. Mostly I was looking for a woman to make me happy. That can never work, putting your happiness in the hands of another is a certain road to misery. It just means that you don’t live your own life at all.
When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you aren’t saying ‘no’ to yourself. ~ Paulo Coehio
I’ve been very guilty of saying ‘yes’ when I should have said ‘no’. Amazingly I know exactly why all that happened to me, maternal neglect can do that to a child, especially if he’s spent the first weeks of his life isolated in an hospital incubator.
What I need to do is to first take good care of myself. Look after my body, mind, emotions, and spirit before I do anything else. Put myself first. Look after #1.
Obviously I’m not yet certain how I’m going to do that, and I’m not going to explore the internet looking for solutions. From now on everything I do will come from within.
My first thoughts are; stay sober, eat and drink well, take the right supplements, get plenty of fresh air and exercise….. (fresh air and exercise in the North of England in winter?) But that just looks after my body. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually all I can think of is to give myself time to heal, avoid conflicts, avoid dysfunctional emotional entanglements, stay away from toxic women…..
You can tell me if you think I’m wrong, or if you have better ideas.
Some say that loving yourself is selfish vanity. And that loving the wrong woman is the most exquisite form of self-destruction. All I know is that a wound only gets worse if it’s treated with neglect.
too much of this stuff will kill you
rejoice in small things and they will continue to grow
Every little thing that we do is important. Everything we say, every feeling we have, everything that happens to us is important ~ even though we may not realise just how important small things are until much later. This is because nothing happens in isolation, and huge events always begin with something small.
Just as a vast avalanche may begin with a tiny pebble rolling down a hill, hugely important events in our lives may begin with just a word, or a glance, or a decision just to say yes, or no.
Also there is the holistic theory of the interconnectedness of all things. Everything in the Cosmos has an effect on everything else, everything on Earth has an effect on everything else on the Earth, everyone we know has an effect on us and everyone else they know. Everything our significant other says, does, thinks, and feels has a huge effect on us and everyone we know. All things are interconnected.
All disasters and tragedies happen as a result of a series of interconnected events. For example most know that the sinking of the Titanic on 15th of April 1912 came about because the ship hit an iceberg, but that was only the proximate cause of the disaster. The reason so many died in the tragedy is the result of a series of interconnected events going right back to when the ship was designed and built. Some reasons the sinking of the Titanic killed 1,517 passengers and crew are; poor lifeboat drill aboard, not enough lifeboats and lifejackets, the ship was travelling too fast and too far north for the time of year, not enough lookouts, the lookouts had no binoculars, the Titanic’s radio operators did not give all the ice warnings to the bridge, the wrong avoiding action was took by the Titanic, the nearest ship to the disaster, (SS Californian), did not come to the aid of the Titanic….. and the less than perfect construction of the ship herself. (Only 703 souls survived.)
Similarly I have been suffering with very poor mental health over the last few weeks, the proximate cause of which is I have Borderline Personality Disorder, but that’s far from the whole story. Christmas has never been a good time of year for me, my closest friends aren’t going to see me over the holidays, I have insomnia, I have been neglecting my physical health, I’ve developed some bad personal habits, I picked up a bad cold / the flu….. So it’s not as simple as all that. Everything is important and, and everything is interconnected.
Some say that some things are just not important. And that it’s difficult to be fit and look smart when mentally, emotionally, and spiritually you feel like shit. All I know is mens sana in corpore sano ~ a healthy mind in a healthy body.
it would be nice to have multiple personalities
one of them might be happy one day
from discord, find harmony
When you are in harmony with yourself, four things are aligned: what you do, what you say, what you think, and what you feel. In those mindful moments, things flow without any sense of stress, tension, or negativity. Your senses, feelings, and emotions fit together and your life has less anxiety, depression, guilt, upset, and stress.
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. ~ Gandhi
Being in harmony with yourself and others is all about being authentic, honest, open, kind, trusting, loving, reliable, and at peace with yourself. It is hard to be at peace with the people, places, and creatures around you when you yourself are not at peace. It is impossible to be at one with nature when you are not at one with yourself. Your heart and your brain should be in harmony.
He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe. ~ Marcus Aurelius
Sadly, most people never experience long-lasting harmony in their lives. Most chase after material gain, instant gratification, and transitory relationships.
To be in harmony is to do the simple things right, and to the very best of your ability, energy, and strength;
- If you want to stay sober, then stop drinking booze ~ don’t think you can ever take just one drink once in a while because you can’t.
- If you want to stop smoking, then stop going through the motions and get serious about never, ever, smoking another cigarette.
- If you want to lose weight and be fitter and healthier, then eat and drink well, and get plenty of fresh air and exercise.
- If you promise to help someone, then remember to be there for them and do the things you promised.
- If you think someone is being unkind and toxic, then stop pretending that all is well between the two of you. Share what you truly think and feel, and then do something about that relationship.
- If you feel anxious, depressed, and sad, then recognise and accept the emotions ~ in fact whatever emotions you feel, recognise and accept them. But, if you want to feel better, then start acting as if you are 100%
If you want the grace to live your own life, in your own time, then be strong enough to live in harmony with yourself and others and all of nature. Be authentic, honest, and open. Some toxic and untrustworthy people will pull away from you, but if you do all this you can expect to have more authentic, honest, open, kind, trusting, loving, and peaceful friendships and relationships.
Some say one thing while they are thinking and feeling the opposite. And most people lie, cheat, and steal. All I know is we compose our own harmonies in our lives.
to enjoy the scent of a rose
you must first brave the thorns
Be where you are, not where you think you should be.
My post earlier today was about rain ~ sort of. Doing yoga in the warm summer rain is uplifting. Yoga in the foothills of the Himalayas must be even more so.
Yoga is a 5,000 years old form of exercise that is focused on strength, flexibility, breathing, and mindfulness to boost physical and mental health and wellness. Yoga is safe, effective, and beneficial ~ especially when it comes to increasing your strength, flexibility, balance, and inner peace. Yoga tends to improve posture, and far too many people slouch these days, up to and including me, at times. There is strong evidence that regular yoga has a positive impact on people who suffer with high blood pressure, cardio-vascular diseases, arthritis, migraines, IBS, fibromyalgia, sundry aches and pains, lack of mobility, depression, and anxieties. I just find that spending time every day doing a little man-type yoga makes me feel better.
Scientific studies on the physical benefits of yoga show that it helps to alleviate the pain and stiffness of osteoarthritis, but, the symptoms of arthritis can make some yoga positions difficult and painful in themselves. However, whatever yoga one can do helps improve the arthritis sufferer’s range of movement, and strengthens the muscles around painful joints. Those with the autoimmune disease of rheumatoid arthritis also benefit from yoga ~ there will be improvements in overall physical health, walking, energy levels, mood, and reduced pain.
The purpose of yoga is to build strength, awareness, and harmony in both the mind and body. ~ Natalie Nevins, M.D.
The physical benefits of yoga include:
- increased flexibility
- increased muscle strength and tone
- much improved posture
- prevents cartilage and joint breakdown
- improved bone density
- helps the lymphatic system and boosts immunity
- helps to fight cancer
- better breathing, energy, and vitality
- better balanced metabolism
- better weight control
- improved cardio-vascular health
- reduces high blood pressure
- improved athletic and sexual performance
- protection from injury
There is also strong evidence that shows regular yoga practice leads to an increase in serotonin, and a natural decrease in monoamine oxidase. What this means is that we feel happier, more positive, more energised, and are less likely to suffer from depression. For me, happier is good.
Some say that yoga is just for girls and metrosexual guys. And, that we should all get a grip and concentrate on everyday life. All I know is that everyday life isn’t everything.
how long to capture that shot?
it doesn’t really matter,
in meditative Yoga time is immaterial.
alcohol is the world’s most addictive and most dangerous drug
Alcohol kills more people each year than all the other drugs combined ~ world-wide some three-million people a year will die from alcohol related causes. Cocaine, heroin, marijuana, meth, prescription drugs, tobacco…. all added together don’t kill as many people as booze. One third of all traffic fatalities involve alcohol. Booze will cause alcoholic poisoning, malnutrition, strokes, heart attacks, diabetes, cancers, a fatal coma, liver failure, pancreatitis, pneumonia, multiple organ failure, fatal accidents, suicides….. And when you end up in the emergency room the doctors and nurses will treat you like shit.
Yet drinking booze is socially acceptable, in fact if you don’t drink most people will think you are rather strange. And, if you used to be a boozer, and stop, and then go out with your old circle of friends, they will pressure you to take a drink and indulge all of your other addictions. And these are supposed to be your friends?
If you drink, then over time your drinking will get worse and worse until it kills you. Before the booze kills you, you will know physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual suffering.
Of all those people who try to stop drinking, only 2.5% will make it to 90 days sober. Of that 2.5%, only 2.5% will make it to 2 years, that’s 2.5 people out of every 1,000 who will be sober 2 years after they made the decision to stop drinking. Be one of the 0.25% who succeed. You have a better chance of success if you get help.
Those who tell themselves that they want to control their drinking, or stop all together, may try some futile and self-destructive strategies;
- lying to themselves about how much they are drinking ~ denial is dangerous
- switching from spirits to wine to beer, drinking only organic booze
- limiting the number of drinks they have ~ that never, ever works
- resigning their job and moving from where they are to somewhere different ~ this is called doing a geographical
- religion, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, taking anti-drinking medication ~ I have seen people on antibuse drink a hell of a lot in a session
- drinking in different bars where nobody knows them
- switching to a different addiction; smoking, gambling, unsafe casual sex, using other drugs, stealing, impulsive spending ~ although the chances are that real boozers were doing all those things at the same time they were drinking
- joining a gym, sports club, walking club, doing yoga, meditation classes…..
None of the above really works because most boozers are liars and cheats. You will drink again if you don’t do something radically different. Take a long hard look at yourself and accept that nobody and nothing is responsible for your drinking except you, and what’s going on with you. And if you are brutally honest with yourself, then you will probably be confused because you have no idea why you drink. The brutal honesty is good ~ stay with that
Don’t worry about the confusion for now ~ for now, just stay away from that next first drink. Next, stay away from everywhere you used to drink, and all those toxic false friends you used to drink with. Give up on all your other addictions. Now find yourself some support; Alcoholics Anonymous, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, the church, sober friends, YouTube…..
And over the next 90 days find out the truth of why you drink, and deal with that. In my case I was drinking because I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and now I am dealing with that.
Some say that you are just a worthless alcoholic, and will never think that you are anything else. And some say that they never want to see you again. All I know is that everyone has the angel of recovery inside them.
single malt scotch was my drug of choice