You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, ashamed, angry, nor condemned.
If I sit alone and brood, then all the negative, dark, and ugly thoughts come back to me.
If I drink to escape and hide from my painfully dark and negative feelings, then things get far, far worse.
For me, The Past is a very dangerous place. Before I ever go there again I should take notice of the signs that say things like ‘Here Be Dragons’.
At times my thoughts can suddenly wander into dark places leading me to have unpleasant and negative feelings.
In own unacknowledged and unaccepted pain I am quite capable of hurting the ones I care for the most.
Deep within me I am still a prisoner of the negative ethics, judgementalism, and fears I learned when I was a child.
Right now, I do not know how to deal with any of this.
My only plan is to keep working on recovering from severe alcoholic poisoning, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. And, the only recovery I’m going to work on today is physical ~ not thinking or feeling at all seems like a good plan.
That and staying away from any thoughts and feelings at all.
there may be a new dawn ahead
it’s just that, right now
I can’t see it
Your memory is a monster it summons with a will of its own. You think you have a memory, but it has you. ~ John Irving
My strongest belief was that I was doing well, that I was making an escape from the dark demons that were haunting me.
I told myself that I was a cool guy, living a great life. Cool is not a good adjective to apply to myself. It excuses all kinds of previous negative actions, and on-going manipulation of others.
In doing my best to recover from Borderline Personality Disorder I was just making things much worse.
The Holidays and all through January have been very bad, and as you would expect, I had a complete alcohol-fueled breakdown last week. Since Sunday my body, mind, and spirit have just concentrated on my staying alive.
I will try to make amends to all those people I have hurt. Maybe I’ll die trying.
Alone in the darkness is a very bad place
a friend in need is a friend indeed
Today I am unwell in body, mind, and spirit.
I cannot eat, and I can only drink an electrolyte powder in water.
Getting up out of my chair and doing things is difficult ~ I am so unsteady.
Writing this is more than ordinarily difficult ~ English is making no sense at all.
Also I keep getting everyone’s name wrong. that’s very bad of me.
My sincere apologies to everyone I’ve ever hurt, and everyone I’ve lied to.
I’m glad that I still have some caring friends I can trust.
and good memories to look back upon
You will find your true life path when your inner compass is steady.
Each of us has an inner compass deep within our subconscious mind, and this controls and regulates everything we do, each and every hour of every single day. The snag is, sometimes our inner compass doesn’t point to the moral and ethical equivalent of North, and sometimes our inner compass just spins out of control.
We also have maps, models, and frameworks in our subconsciousness. And these maps, models, and frameworks allow us to make sense of the world and our family, our partner, our work, and the all the rest of our environment. These maps, models, and frameworks are what allows us to have any kind of a relationship with others because they help us to make sense of our body, our heart, our mind, and our spirit and intuition. These maps, models, and frameworks are our inner world. But, each of our inner maps are likely to be very inaccurate and incomplete, and have such helpful annotations such as; ‘Here Be Monsters’, and ‘Impassable Swamp’. Our models and frameworks are often completely wrong too.
Our inner compass, and our maps, models and frameworks are most likely to be utterly and totally wrong when we are under intolerable stress, or have suffered from a recent, (or not so very recent), trauma.
Because we are the Captain of our own ship, trying to navigate our way through this complicated, complex, and dangerous sea of life, we need to put our maps, models, and frameworks in order, we need to find a guiding light ~ sometimes we just have to junk our existing picture of the world and life, starting again with clean sheets of paper. We need to take our authority back to ourselves and ignore or reject all the authority that has been imposed upon us. The patterns and authority imposed upon us is always negative and self-destructive.
We need to become the very best version of ourselves that we can, and take back our self-belief, self-confidence, and self-will. We need to rediscover our truth and purpose, and we can never do that if we rely on outdated maps, inaccurate models, and broken frameworks.
In order to restore health and equilibrium to ourselves, to fix our broken compass, and to make new maps, models, and frameworks to help us make sense of the world we need to realise that much of what we are doing and have done falls into the realm of negativity and self-destruction. In order to rebuild something better we need to junk the old negative ways of thinking and allow new and better into our lives.
This is easy. This quest to become the best version of you that you can possibly be, the way to becoming the true Captain of your own ship, will just require you to work at it for every waking hour for the rest of your life. Regaining control of your inner compass, your maps, models, and frameworks will be a never-ending story.
Some say that self-improvement and self-development books, podcasts, videos, conferences, and retreats are a waste of time. And, some say that there is nothing at all wrong with them and the way the react to the world. All I know is that the harder and longer I try, the better I become.
hold true to a better Goddess
hold true to a cleaner and more positive sea
Dreams do not have deadlines nor commitments…..
Hardly anyone is really in control of their own life. This is doubly true if you happen to be an ‘average person’, who has a job, mortgage, and normal financial commitments ~ face it you have to turn up for work every day, whether you like it or not. Add in a family, who undoubtedly will have expectations of you, and your time is not hardly ever your own. (And, I wasn’t even thinking about the ‘average person’ who is married with children.)
The ‘average person’ can’t really have dreams and desires, unless their dreams and desires happen to fit in with what others expect of you.
Just supposing you want to take a year off, buy an old school bus, turn into a camper van, and see as much of backroads America / Europe, as you possibly can in that year. What do you think your partner / family / friends / employer / neighbours are going to say about that?
I’ll tell you that the likelihood is that their views and words will range from incredulity to negativity, to downright hostility. That is if you are an ‘average person’ living a ‘normal life’. Ergo, to protect yourself you would probably not ever have that kind of empowering dream and desire.
Instead your mind will be filled with things such as; ‘what can I do about my partner / sister / brother…..?’ or ‘how can I afford to pay my bills’, or ‘how can I get a better job?’ or ‘what can I have for lunch / dinner / supper?’
None of us can do anything about our past, except reframe the way we think about it.
Most ‘normal’ and ‘average’ people can do very little about what’s happening to them in the present. The chances are that, for them, today will be pretty much like yesterday. If they have to work for a living the chances are that any working day will be exactly like the working day before. Even their thoughts and conversations will have a mind-numbing repetitious banality.
However, and this is
fucking damned important, we can all do something about our futures.
NOBODY has to settle for the status quo. If there is something or someone in your life that’s sucking the life out of you, then get rid of it / them. If your marriage is crap / abusive / boring, then get out of it. If your job is horrible and badly paid, then leave and get another job ~ there’s nothing like being out of work to put a real edge on job hunting.
There is only one problem ~ most people will never leave their ‘comfort zone’. If that’s you, then it’s time you grew up and grasped your own future with both hands ~ carpe diem.
As for me? I’m a really cool guy, living a great life. I can do just about whatever I want, just about whenever I want ~ within my own pretty rigid code of ethics, and the fact that I don’t ever want to get arrested again.
That van was in Palm Springs
Love can be the infinite curse of a true heart.
If you believe that you love someone, then there’s no rhyme or reason about the way you think, feel, or behave. All of your various emotional and happiness chemicals just take over. Scientists say that there are 4 sets of these; dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and the endorphins which accentuate the effects of everything else. But, you have to add to that a whole bunch of other mind – brain – body stuff happening when you think you’re in love ~ such as an adrenaline rush every now and again. Add to that not eating, not sleeping, and drinking too much, and no wonder we get messed up when we believe we are in love, (or we are consumed by desire).
Our own default subconscious personality type also has a big part to play. For most of my life I suffered from an intense fear of abandonment caused by a serious psychological illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. This fear of abandonment thing either makes you utterly destroy a relationship you’re in, or hang on to a dysfunctional relationship long past the point you should have called it a day and walked away.
So this deep interest in / deep affection for / sexual desire for a particular person caused me no end of problems, because none of it was real. Multiply that by several women over time and you can see how a polite and generous Englishman could become seriously screwed up. And ‘screwed up’ is putting it very mildly.
If I tried I could probably work out how much these false love affairs / relationships / marriage had cost me in time, money and lost opportunities, but being a banker I’ll make a stab at how much ‘being in love’ has cost me in hard cash over the years. Roughly, to the nearest $100,000 ~ about $2.75 million. Thinking I was in love, with the wrong woman, has cost me more than most people will earn in a lifetime.
And what did I get in return? Bad sex.
Ah well, t’was ever thus. A fool and his money are soon parted.
you would think I should have learned my lesson by now
Political Correctness is merely bullying by another name.
It seems that I’m really not ‘politically correct’ ~ if what you mean by political correctness is fitting in with whatever is perceived as the ‘right’ way to believe, think, speak, and act by whatever minority group holds sway. For example; I like the film The Damn Busters, about a WWII RAF raid on Germany ~ that even though the word ‘Nigger’ is used 12 times in the movie, and I have no problem with that. (Nigger was the name of Wing Commander Guy Gibson’s black Labrador dog.)
Political correctness does not legislate tolerance; it only organises hatred. ~ Jacques Barzun.
On the other hand, I firmly believe that all women, (including whatever two letter acronym is appropriate), deserve to be treated with the utmost consideration and respect. And, that sometimes creates a cognitive dissonance for me when a woman acts like a lot less than a lady; smoking, swearing, getting drunk, using drugs, cheating on her partner, picking up guys in bars,
fucking having extra-relationship flings with younger men, and having multiple sexual partners. But then, who said the world has to be perfect?
If the first words out of your mouth are to cry ‘political correctness!’, chances are very, very high that you are in fact part of the problem. ~ N. K. Jemisin.
I’m mentioning all this because of a couple of things I saw on television.
Firstly, I’ve been enjoying re-watching some old Carry On Films. These bawdy British movies are so incredibly politically incorrect it’s almost surreal. They feature very attractive, very well endowed young women, often portrayed as dumb blondes, often played by the legendary, and very funny, Barbara Windsor.
Secondly, and very seriously, I caught an episode of a US comedy / crime / drama series I quite like. The dramatic hook in this episode was that there was a person of interest, and nobody in the police department could figure out what this guy was saying, or which obscure Eastern European country he came from.
Having said that, even I couldn’t understand a
fucking damn word this particular character uttered. Whatever accent he thought he was imitating it certainly wasn’t Geordie.
No American actor can imitate any British accent whatsoever, so why the
fuck hell did the producer of this show go down the road of totally pissing off every English person born North of the Watford Gap? Ignorance and Stupidity.
There is no way the same producer would have made the same kind of mistake with any American minority, especially someone from the Gay, Lesbian, Transsexual, (whatever two letter acronym is appropriate), community. If he had he would have been sacked, pilloried, and remorselessly attacked.
But then, who gives a fuck about white Englishmen like me? (And by the way, I am NOT British, I’m English.)
TV can’t make mistakes when portraying lesbian BDSM
but it’s OK to make fun of Geordies
To enjoy a comfortable and happy life ~ stay fit and healthy.
If you want to live a great life, then you first have to show up. If you want to live a great life, then first of all you have to drag yourself out of bed at a decent time in the mornings. If you want to live a great life, then don’t spend your time smoking, getting high, drinking, over-eating, or having casual sex.
That’s unless you think that sleeping late, hanging around in bars, taking drugs, and fucking casual pick-ups constitutes living a great life. Trust me ~ it doesn’t. Live down there in the gutter like a slut or bum and you’ll die young and unhappy, and nobody at all will care.
Others may think that their lives are good, even though they spend all their time at home alone on social media, or on sex sites, or watching porn, or ‘enjoying’ other disreputable online activities. Those people are quite likely to go from one day to another unwashed, unshaven, without putting on a clean change of clothes, hair uncombed, and if they’re a woman without a touch of makeup. Their place probably looks like a pigsty, and they most likely stink too.
To live a truly great life we first of all have to be fit enough, healthy enough, and mentally alert.
And there are some easy steps to take;
- Stop using drugs ~ and that includes pot and unnecessary medication, such as sleeping aids.
- Stop smoking ~ I saw a documentary the other day, and a lot of older people were interviewed, people who had lived in the generation when everyone smoked cigarettes. Fuck! They looked horrific, especially the women. Smoking destroys your looks, your health, and then it kills you.
- Stop drinking so much ~ you may think you’re intelligent, sensible, and funny after several drinks. You are deluding yourself. After a few drinks you’re just embarrassing.
- Go to bed at a decent time every night, and get up at a decent time in the morning ~ every fucking day.
- Eat healthy ~ there are a million diet suggestions on the internet, for example try the Mediterranean Diet.
- Get some fresh air and sunshine ~ just don’t try to be one of the children of the night.
- Exercise ~ preferably in the fresh air and sunshine. For example, try walking 10,000 steps a day. Get out of your fucking car and walk to the store for a change.
- Learn to meditate ~ yoga, and walking meditation are good.
- Have some pride in yourself, learn to like and love yourself, and stop lying to yourself and others.
Everything I have written above is true. I should know, I’ve been to all of those bad places. Today I am really cool guy, living a great life, and I follow the simple programme I have outlined above.
always hanging out in the moonlight is just for vampires and fools
“Too much of anything is bad, but too much of a good time is barely enough.”
I had my flight back home to England confirmed last evening. I leave this pretty, (and pretty weird), island at 15:55 tomorrow, arriving back in my local airport at 20:10. So, I should be back in the garret at about half-past-nine tomorrow evening.
I enjoy being a solitary tourist, Lanzerote is cool, and the group of fellow solitary travellers I’m with are friendly, but something has gone a little bit wrong on this vacation. Perhaps I’ve had too much time to think, or too much sun, or I’ve had too many vacations this year….. Whatever it is I am going to be leaving here feeling uneasy, dissatisfied, and anxious. Which is not the point of a sunshine vacation at all.
Some say that you can get too much of a good thing. And, that wherever you go you take yourself with you. All I know is that I’m going to be glad to be home again.