Vacation’s Romances
If you can’t find sex under a blue sky, you can’t find it anywhere.
beach
heat relaxing
sunshine good times
high clear deep bluest sky
new friends open conversations
food wine music party suntanned girls
strolling sightseeing swimming sunbathing
dancing talking kissing friends romance love sex
late summer Mediterranean vacation’s fond memories
seem mostly of fleeting romance, transient love, casual sex
–
Jack Collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
not that casual sex on vacation is to be approved of
The Lady Loves
Sex without real love is as pointless as love without great sex.
~
sex,
lovers,
sensuality,
hot sexiness,
the lady adores,
his cool advances,
he takes every chance,
she loves a sexual dance,
she entrances with a glance,
amorous excitement, romance,
is this true friendship, love or sex?
real dominatrix or submissive enough?
does she like very hard, passionate, rough?
or a slow sensual romantic gentle caring love?
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
or maybe she likes meaningless casual animal sex
Monochrome Monday~ Drinking
So set ’em up Joe, there’s no one in the place, ‘cept you and me.
~
~
~
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Project: Jack Collier
I you try you risk failure, if you don’t you ensure it.
In order to truly become a better man I’ve had to fall back on some of my past strengths and abilities. Back in the day, I was paid stupid amounts of money to invent, develop, organise, and run major projects ~ ergo I’ve decided that I should treat my becoming the better man as a project. Think about it, it sort of makes good sense.
It is less about becoming a better person, and more of being better, as a person. ~ J.R. Rim
This self-improvement, and self-development project would seem to have the following elements;
- Embrace change to avoid slipping back into my old, negative patterns of behaviour.
- Have more confidence and self-reliance in my own innate abilities.
- I should always speak up for myself, and always speak the truth, strive to communicate well with others, especially with those I care for.
- Keep my close relationships in focus, neither neglect the people I care about, nor have unrealistic expectations of them.
- Conversely, have increasingly ambitious expectations of myself, and what I will be able to achieve.
- Get some balance and stability into my life ~ and I may need a lot of help with this.
- Remain grounded, balanced, and in control of my thoughts, feelings, and actions.
- Be in touch with the Universe and accepting of the realities in every area of my life
- Develop the endurance to plan and successfully achieve long term wants, needs, goals, desires, dreams, and ambitions.
- Get fitter and healthier so that I have the controlled energy to make the fullest success of Project: Jack Collier.
Written down like that it seems I have a lot to work to do, and I’m certain that if I thought harder I could add more bullet points to that list. But, 10 difficult things to work on is more than enough for now.
My Life is changing day to day, sometimes in small ways and sometimes in quite scary ways. I need to find my path forward, and be the captain, master, and director of my own life.
It’s not about taking control of my life in the sense that I am trying to control everything and everyone around me, it’s about me deciding what it is that I really want, and then striving with everything I have to get it. I I really want something, I should let nothing stand in my way. My life is a reflection of my choices, and how I use my strengths and abilities to achieve success.
The goal of life purpose is not what you will create, but what it will make you into for creating it. ~ Shannon L. Alder.
Some say that success is getting what you want. And that happiness is wanting what you get. All I know is that my strength will not come from winning, my strength will be the result of trying very hard.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
parasailing was so far outside of my comfort zone that I didn’t try it
I should have
Confessions and Mistakes
How many bad decisions seemed like a good idea at the time?
Over the years I’ve made some really bad decisions. From time to time I got angry and subsequently did some reprehensible things I now regret. I have reacted with nasty spite when I should have stayed calm, and I’ve felt resentful for no good reason, which usually turned me into a dangerous Mr. Hyde or a rabid black dog.
And when he was good he was very, very good, but when he was bad he was horrid. ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Not every time things went badly pear-shaped was my fault. Not every person I’ve hurt was an innocent bystander. Some of the people I’ve had uncharitable thoughts about actually deserved my condemnation. And there have been some people I wouldn’t cross the road to spit on. But, and here’s the thing, all the time I was an angry, judgemental, resentful, dangerous bastard person, I was still suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, and / or, Bipolar Disorder. I was always afraid, and I was always running away.
Add the whole lot together, all the anger, resentments, mental illness, and it’s not surprising that I used to be hypercritical, lacking in understanding, and totally unwilling to accept anyone who didn’t measure up to my warped standards. It’s not surprising that from time to time I could hurt the ones I love. Sometimes the only things I was good at was causing pain and heartache.
It only takes one word to hurt a woman, a matter of seconds, one stupid, impatient sting of the whip. But winning back her trust takes years. And sometimes there isn’t the time. ~ Nina George
I have actually made a list of all the people I believe I have hurt over the years, (that’s the difficult step 8 in 12 step programmes), and thought about the what, why, when, how, where, and if of making amends to those people. Of my original list I’ve crossed off some names, because I’m not a saint, so I’m not making amends to everyone I’ve wronged. And, I’ve underlined some other names, of women I really do need to make immediate, meaningful, and lasting amends to. (my Goddess Aphrodite and The Girl Riding Shotgun spring to mind.) But as the quote from Nina George says, sometimes rebuilding trusting relationships takes years.
I have spoken in haste too often, spoken from negative and dark emotions too often, and been thoughtless too often. But, the recent paradigm shift that I experienced from being way outside of my comfort zone for a week should mean that I don’t make those enraged mistakes again.
Some say there is no such thing as a mistake or a bad decision. And that the consequences of a really bad decision are a learning opportunity. All I know is that if I go off the rails there is going to be a painful disaster, and someone will get hurt ~usually including me.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Nobody likes to be with a dangerous jerk.
Be that guy, and be alone in the dark.
Empowerment
Don’t be satisfied with how things once were, unfold a new story.
In the last few days a great deal has changed for me. Circumstances of my own choosing forced me well outside of my comfort zone, and made me escape a prison of my own making. And coming down the pike like a runaway a great deal of transition is heading right for me.
It is time for me to embrace a life path that is more true to who I am, and the grounded, enlightened, successful man I want to be. Now is the hour for me to grow in courage and mental strength ~ no longer allowing my doubts and fears to undermine my dreams, desires, hopes, and plans for the future. Now is the time for me to be who I truly am deep inside.
You have the freedom to be yourself, your true self, here and now, and nothing can stand in your way. ~ Richard Bach
That means ridding myself of the emotional burdens of the past. It means ceasing to be reckless with the feelings of others. Ceasing to be negligent when it comes to accepting, cherishing, nurturing, understanding, and supporting those I care for. And it means embracing harmony, strength, and fortitude. All the mistakes I made in the past are now just learning tools for the future. Each time I fell off the rails and turned into Mr. Hyde are salutary lessons and cautionary tales ~ reminding me that those dark places and negative feelings are to be avoided and not encouraged.
Hard work bears fruit, and the near future will be bright for me and those I care for as a result of my hard work in the past paying off. I have tried so hard to be the best version of me that I could possibly become, that I have earned the right to enjoy life now that I can finally see the results of my efforts. My ‘new’ personality, attitudes, demeanour, heart , and soul means that I can express myself with greater clarity, confidence, and strength today and into the future.
My core values, the things that really matter to me, are what I will live by today, tomorrow, and in each and every day to come. I need to spend some time in walking meditation to reflect more seriously on my ethics and ethos, to truly identify what I am willing to tolerate, and what I will just not accept. It is so ingrained in the habits of most people, (myself included), to put everyone else’s needs first, and then forget to take care of themselves. Yet if we don’t take care of our own needs, our physical, mental, and spiritual health, we cannot grow nor prosper nor be truly happy. Today and into the future I will take care of myself first, and then nurture and support those I care for to the very best of my abilities.
Un-winged and naked, sorrow surrenders its crown to a throne called grace. ~ Aberjhani.
Some say I am worthy of a life full of friends, loving connections, enlightenment, and spiritual empowerment. And that there will be a new love in my life, either platonic or romantic. All I know is that I am not just going to sit back and wait for things to happen ~ the cosmos does not roll out a red carpet for anyone.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
A new day has come.
Sleeping in Hotels
Alone and on the road again…..
I’ve just enjoyed the first decent night’s sleep I’ve had in about a month, and I’m in a hotel……
In my long and mostly disreputable life I have spent more nights than I care to remember in all kinds of hotels, in most of the major cities of the world, (and some towns that would have to work hard to qualify as a bomb-site). And in all that time I never hardly ever slept well in an hotel.
One solution to ‘hotel insomnia’ is to get good and drunk….. But these days I am utterly sober.
So, what’s different this time?
I believe it’s that I’ve put my worries, resentments, and anger behind me….. And nobody can possibly sleep with a mind racing like an evil train crash.
I also believe that a few hours in the hotel pool taking the strenuous exercise of swimming lessons, and then going for long walks by the sea, also helps.
And, on a cautionary note, sharing your hotel bed with a woman you’ve just picked up at the hotel bar will not help you sleep either.
–
Jack Collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
I have never in my life ‘picked up’ a woman in a hotel bar.
Hooker, or otherwise.
Sex, Love, and Heartache
Wherever I go, I always find that special person who is so wrong for me.
In the world’s largest financial centres, I spent most of my career making a hell of a lot of money by exploiting my knowledge of people and what makes them tick. In London, Paris, New York, and Chicago I learned to read people, and know what they really want, need, and desire. My skill was in matching the things I could do with what my clients thought they wanted. And, for a long while, I was the acknowledged world expert in my field of esoteric banking. But, really, my success was all due to the way I could use my interpersonal skills.
If I am so skilled at the art of interpersonal relationships, how come I can get it so wrong with women? Some of the time I am forceful, passionate, prideful, self-indulgent, sensual, lustful, and too warm towards women who possess grace, beauty, and charm. If I am very attracted to a woman I can be far too liberal with my affection, compassion, time, love, and money. I tend to do a little too much by way of extravagances, and luxuries. Maybe I send flowers too often. And, as you would expect, sometimes these women take everything I can give without the slightest show of gratitude, appreciation, or affection in return.
A fool and his money are soon parted, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart. ~ Thomas Tusser
Obviously I am not doing the right things, in the right way, at the right time, with the right person. There isn’t the right balance, or sense of equilibrium. And there’s the rub ~ we don’t choose who we fall in love with.
Something tells me that self-confidence, strength, and passion are a heady mixture which is not always under my control ~ I often let my emotions run away with me, and this can only lead to loneliness and heartache.
My past has been marred by decisions I made that have left me feeling disappointed and bitter. It’s important for me to remember that I am accountable for my decisions. What I need to do is reflect on those past choices in a frank and healthy way, without looking at the past through rose-coloured glasses, or sugar coating the choices I made in error. I have made many bad choices, which then turned out very differently from the way I had hoped.
At times this has caused me much pain, worry, wasted time, and wasted money. Perhaps I fool myself that I always tried to do my best, and that I always had good intentions at heart ~ but I don’t think so. I did my best with the cards Life dealt me, but somehow things always took unexpected turns.
There may have been doubts in my heart which I ignored. I was careless, and not always honest with myself. I have often acted impulsively, with utter disregard for the consequences. I have had the feeling of being utterly out of my depth, and I usually pressed on regardless.
Some say that we can only learn by our own mistakes. And, that we don’t fail by falling down, we fail by staying down. All I know is that I’ve made some bloody painful mistakes.
If there’s nothing much about sex in the paragraphs I’ve written above ~ that’s because usually there hasn’t been any.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Exactly the sort of woman I should have never been involved with. Great legs do not necessarily a nice person make.
So, now I need counselling.
Never look to another to tell you who you really are.
A friend of mine has said that I need some form of mental health / spiritual counselling ~ suggesting to me that she thinks there’s something seriously wrong with the way I feel, think, act, and react to events and people. I guess she believes that I don’t feel, think, act, or react in ways that she likes when it comes to my friendship with her.
I thought about this a lot and very seriously. I am fully aware that I don’t follow normal rules of behaviour, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships, and I also know there are, (at least), a couple of reasons for this.
Something happened to me deep in my early childhood, so far back that I don’t know exactly what happened to me when I was maybe 3 years old. But whatever happened had a very profound effect on me, sufficient to change my personality for my whole life. It’s complicated, but various mental-health types have said a couple of things; #1 I don’t have bipolar disorder, and #2 I may have had borderline personality disorder, but if I had I’ve recovered. Well, that’s helpful….. or not. The practical upshot of whatever happened when I was a young child is that I will not willingly accept advice, criticism, or chastisement. So what? That just puts me in line with 99% of the rest of the crazy people on this planet.
The second reason I don’t follow normal rules of behaviour is because I’m better than that. I’m enlightened, truthful, open, ethical, grounded, and fucking smart. And to be honest, with the exception of the people who follow me on this blog, that makes me a better man than anyone any of us is likely to meet in an average day.
So, I thought about this very carefully when it came to finding a therapist / counsellor / spiritual adviser….. and decided that wasn’t going to happen.
I’ve spent the greater part of the past 2, 3, or maybe 4 years trying to walk the warrior’s path. Trying to find out who I am, who I was, and who I wish to be. And now, after years of effort, I’m finally beginning to see some light.
It may just be a candle in a hurricane of hellish darkness, but that small light is me.
The little boy may have become a broken man, with a broken spirit and broken dreams, but today I can hold on and today I’m feeling strong. I know who I am, and I’m not a shadow or the man in the mirror anymore.
No over-qualified, well-intentioned, mental health wazzock is going to be given my permission to dip their dirty fingers into my soul. There is no chance of me attending therapy / counselling / psychotherapy. Not now, not next year, not ever.
It turns out that I know who I am, and I like who I am. And, those that don’t can fuck off. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, and please don’t keep in touch.
Some say that humility is the true key to success. And, that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. All I know is that I’ve tried humility and therapy, and all I got was insanity.
I have a new plan of action concerning my supposed need for counselling. I am happy to take no action whatsoever.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Marmaduke is as sick of misplaced and unwanted advice as I am.
Wisdom and Courage
Knowledge, intuition, and self-confidence aren’t always enough.
Yesterday I reacted very badly to what I felt was negative criticism, from a very close friend, of some posts I had recently written. I took the critical comments from my friend both personally and probably more negatively than she meant to sound. And yet, looking back, I still feel that her comments about my blog were a thinly veiled attack on me, which was really about something else entirely, something else I had done. It would be nice to know what…..
Yesterday, I broke two of my own rules;
Rule #9 Trust in your own opinions, but always be prepared to listen to the other person’s point of view.
and
Rule #10 Be accepting, understanding, and compassionate.
It’s all very well my not liking what people do or say, but I should have the wisdom and courage to accept and understand that her thoughts and opinions are not my thoughts and opinions. I should be able to rise above the shit that life and other people throw at me from time to time. I should not be dragged down into the mire by other people. I should make a better choice than to feel so hurt and distressed by the things others may say to me.
If a man is going to let his spirit truly fly then he needs the self-confidence to spread his wings. Sometimes a man also needs wisdom to make better decisions and wiser choices if he is going to realise his potential and manifest his true destiny. If he is going to walk the warrior’s path to spiritual prosperity and inner peace, then a man needs to walk that path without scepticism, fear, or self-doubt.
I know that things do not get better overnight, that this is going to be a step by step, iterative process, and that to make positive changes in my life I first of all have to show up for life and actually have the courage to make some changes. Not every choice I make is going to be a good choice, but a golden rule is that if things aren’t working out, then do something else instead.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~Einstein
I also have some new tools to help me; I am learning the power of truth, mindfulness, self-care, meditative affirmations and mandalas. I know that I need to show more gratitude and care through my actions for those who matter most to me ~ including myself. I know I need to listen to the guidance of those who care for me because they can show me the path I need to take. I know that I shouldn’t listen when others are attacking me out of their own personal inadequacies.
There needs to be new challenges, new rituals, and new guidelines in my life. I need to ask a lot of myself, and of those close to me, but I need to be patient, mindful, and caring too.
To make wise choices I need to consider the past, the present, the future, and look at potentialities with some wisdom and reasonableness. What I need to lose is anger, bitterness, judgementalism, and paranoia.
I have made some changes, and taken some decisions. I’ve joined a different gym, and I’m going there and exercising regularly. I’m going to the pool regularly. I walk everywhere, I’ve changed my diet, and I’m getting better rest and sleep. I am going to travel more, I’ve just got back from Turkey, and in a little while I’m going to Crete. After that, well if you can’t find me, I’m on vacation.
Some say that there are wonderful, warm, loving, powerful, indulgent, and courageous energies in the universe. And, that all men seek and desire; love, happiness, grace, beauty, charm, and pleasure. All that I know is that I have to act quickly to find my true life path.
The Best is yet to come ~ I may have seen the sun but I’ve never seen it shine, and now it’s raining in my heart.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
the road is long, and mostly lonely
