if you try to please everybody, you end up pleasing nobody
Unless you are a sociopath or a narcissist you will tend to want to make other people happy. If you are in a romantic relationship you will tend to want to please your partner. If you are a child you will tend to want to please your parents, teachers, and just about every other adult you interact with. There are exceptions; we all have bad days when we couldn’t give a fuck, there are some people we don’t care about at all, and there are some other people we dislike so much that we are at the other end of the people-pleasing spectrum.
And then there are those of us to get sucked into the role of a people-pleaser, continually doing what other people want us to do, always saying yes when we should be saying no, and trying to find ways to ingratiate ourselves with people who take us for granted. We become the epitome of a people-pleasing fool because there is something in our past that made us eager to please someone in authority over us, (and / or someone we loved), for the sake of our own safety, sanity, or just because that was the only way we would ever get any attention or affection.
For a lot of my life I was trapped in the role of a people-pleaser, because my feelings of self-worth were so low as to be almost non-existent, and I was always looking to others to validate myself. My self-esteem was whatever other people told me it was, and that was doubly so for women I liked and / or was in a relationship with. I was a prisoner.
Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. ~ Lao Tzu
Once someone consciously or subconsciously realises just how much they are being taken for a fool, then they have some chance of escaping that submissive, subservient, complaisant role. And, other people will not like that at all. I stopped being a people-pleasing serf a little while ago, and some said a lot of unpleasant things to and about me. Yet the people who truly cared for me were happy for me, and encouraged me to go on steadfastly walking the true warriors path of independence, courage, confidence, determination, and kindness.
Some say they exist to please their master / mistress. And that if they didn’t take care of everyone else in their life, then who else would? All I know is that you can’t please everyone, so you’ve got to please yourself.
just because she enjoys being submissive doesn’t mean she is someone’s doormat
failure consists of redoubling your efforts when you have completely forgotten your goal
The most pernicious word in modern English is denier ~ as in climate change denier, coronavirus denier, BAME denier, God denier, and worst of all Holocaust denier. I know all about denial, having lied to myself for years about being socially inadequate and denied having a drinking problem. But I could never have accused anyone of being an alcoholism denier. That does just not make sense. Calling someone else a denier is merely to show up the fact that you yourself are closed-minded, have no logical basis for whatever opinions you have, and are totally unwilling to listen to arguments that run counter to your own dogma.
Basically, you are not prepared to ever admit that there is the slightest possibility that you could ever be wrong. In that case, who the fuck do you think you are? God?
Everybody human is wrong some of the time. Sometimes we are mistaken, sometimes we are ill-informed or misinformed, sometimes our own inner programming is flawed, and sometimes we believe in something just because we want to. Notice that I said believe in and not believe. Those who use the word denier believe in things rather than believe the arguments and proofs that support a given position. They will never, ever admit that they are wrong.
Surely it’s time for climate-change deniers to have their opinions forcibly tattooed on their bodies. ~ Richard Glover
I learned that really listening to other people was an essential part of being a better man ~ sometimes other people’s opinions and beliefs are better than my own. I learned that there is probably no such thing as absolute truth. I learned that when I was wrong, promptly admitting it was essential for my mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
There is no better test of a man’s integrity than his behavior when he is wrong. ~ Marvin Williams
There is a principle in 12 step recovery programmes; ‘Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it…..’ Really that does not go far enough, perhaps it should go on to say; ‘…..and changed our behaviour accordingly…..’
No person who ever calls another man a denier will ever admit that it is they who are wrong.
Some say that to deny that total lockdown is the only way to deal with the coronavirus is to risk the disease running rampant, causing megadeaths. And that any opinion other than their own is emphatically false. All I know is that I have been wrong in the past, and no doubt I will be wrong again in the future.
so busy fighting off the alligators you’ve forgotten you are supposed to be draining the swamp
you cannot fix something if you don’t know it’s broken
Each and every one of us is programmed ~ what we think, what we believe, how we behave, what we like and what we dislike are automatic responses, programmed reactions and actions buried deep in our subconscious. Our conscious minds only govern what we do about 10% of the time, and most of the time what our conscious minds do, think, and feel is based on all that stuff way down in our unconsciousness. So, if you are scared of snakes, it isn’t a conscious thing, it’s actually a primeval race-memory so far down in your subconscious you don’t even know it’s there until the first time you come across a serpent.
If you have problems in your life, if you can’t handle certain situations, if you keep lurching from one disastrous relationship to another, then you are not consciously doing that on purpose. A string of dysfunctional relationships in your past, and the likelihood that you will repeat the same mistakes over and over again in the future, means that there is something dysfunctional with the tapes in your unconscious mind.
The scary thing is that all that programming, all of your beliefs, behaviors, and opinions were put there before you were seven years old. The adults in your life; your parents, your wider family, older siblings, teachers impressed their thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, habits, and prejudices upon your unformed mind while you were still a child. And there was nothing whatsoever you could do about it. Ergo, if you are a borderline alcoholic, drug addict, a heavy smoker, or obese ~ it’s not all your own fault. If you’re promiscuous, dishonest, and continually finding yourself in toxic relationships, then that’s not completely your fault either. It’s because you were taught all those things when you didn’t know any better.
Before I was five years old I was taught that women are lying bitches, and that men who have anything to do with women are bad. I was taught that sex is nasty, dirty, and wrong. I was taught that love is meaningless, that interpersonal relationships are always toxic, and that sex outside of marriage is a sin that will send me to hell. I know who did that to me.
It took me right up until a few days ago to realise this, to truly know what was broken in me. Right up until a few days ago my life was dysfunctional, I was unable to have a stable relationship, I couldn’t ever be truly open, honest, trusting, or loving. My life was toxic. I drank to much to escape the way I always acted and reacted.
If that is anything like you, then look deep within to find out what is broken in you. Then, when you know what’s broken you might have some chance of fixing it. Be like me and kill the snake in your mind.
it wasn’t all her own fault that Red Riding Hood liked wolves just a little too much
a man’s main task in life is to know who he is
and then to know who he can become
For most of our lives we were who other people told us to be. ‘Be a good boy…..’ my parents told me. ‘You will have to work harder than this…..’ my teachers said. ‘You need to put in more hours…..’ my bosses ordered. ‘You should dress differently….. my ‘friends’ advised. And unconsciously I made the choices to do what I was told. Eventually, some of us were unlucky enough to make the unconscious choice to go along with whatever we thought our girl / significant other / partner wanted. In becoming what other people wanted us to be we stopped making our own decisions, our whole reality became skewed, and we lost ourselves.
In my life I’ve made a lot of bad choices because I didn’t know who was, didn’t know what I wanted, and didn’t know who and what I wanted to become. The good choices I made were all logical, dispassionate, intellectual ~ if I could weigh it, measure it, or count it, then it would work for me. The bad choices were all emotional, based on desires, gratification, wants, and lusts. All of those choices turned to dross.
A while ago I made the conscious decision to be myself, and that meant throwing away a lot of crap, in fact it meant throwing away almost everything of who and what I used to be. That’s OK because it’s easier to build something from the beginning than it is to modify something to try and make it work.
Dare to be what your best self knows you ought to be; dare to be a bigger human being than you have ever been. ~ Norman Vincent Peale
Some say that when people change promises are broken. And, that if you insist on going your own way, then you will go alone. All I know is that I will be myself, no matter what. I will decide for myself just who I am and who and what I want to become.
this was part of who I truly was and am, and other people didn’t like it
reality is an illusion, albeit a very persistent one
the monsters inside your mind
There are facts, there is useful information, and then there is how we act and react. Your husband / wife cheating on you is a fact, but how you think about that, how you feel about it, how you react to the infidelity is all up to you. The past is filled with facts, but the future is merely an illusion until you create it. Faced with something horrible like your loved one cheating on you people can go one of two ways; #1 spiral down into dark emotions #2 accept it and move on.
Faced with the fact that something real and terrible happened we have choices. We can let it ruin our lives, become a resentful alcoholic, or just curl up and die. Alternatively we can make some positive decisions, such as forgive or get a divorce. But the most positive thing one can do after a disaster in our lives is accept it, make the best of it, think of it as part of life’s rich tapestry, and move on. Your future is merely an illusion until you create it. If you let something fester and create character defects in your personality, then you are ruining your future.
There is a thing called disaster shock, and it’s why people do strange things in strange times. Disaster shock applies just as much to bad news as it does to surviving an earthquake. Disaster shock applies just as much to getting a divorce as it does to being shipwrecked in a hurricane. There are two types of people in this world; the victims and the survivors. It’s an attitude of mind.
After something horrible happens we can either choose to die, or thrive. When I quit my career, got divorced, lost my home, and ended up broke I chose to let the dark side take over my mind. I stopped doing very much of anything except watching TV and drinking. That wasn’t the worst of it. I let negativity and resentment become my way of life, and that was what truly ruined my life for a while.
I am better than that now.
Do not deny the past, nor hide from it. Accept the past and make the best of it.
the monsters in your mind
will kill you more certainly
than the werewolf at the door
write in haste, repent at leisure
the wreckage of relationships
How many times have I wished there was an unsend function on emails? How many times have I published a blog post and gone back to trash it a few days later? And, I have lost count of the number of times I’ve made telephone calls while intoxicated, or chatted with people when I shouldn’t have. Perhaps telephones and computers should come with a built-in sobriety check like they are thinking of fitting to new cars. Or, perhaps I shouldn’t look to technology to make up for my own stupid mistakes and failings.
I just trashed a couple of my latest negative blogs, which is easy to do but doesn’t undo any of the hurt they may have caused. And, I read through my emails over the past few days, and repairing any damage I’ve done with those is going to need a lot of careful thought. There is no unsend function on email systems.
Reality says that everyone has a darker side, the part of them that suffers from a lack of self-love, the inner demons of character defects, that deep dark cellar that mostly imprisons the ghosts of the past. With most people that darker side stays hidden for most of the time. With me the dark side has been set free far too often in recent weeks and months.
There are a myriad of excuses. Like the whole world is going to hell in a handcart. I’ve been lonely and alone under lockdown in the garret for months. I could have had better parenting….. The bottom line is there is nobody to blame for my mistakes except me.
Years ago there was one common theme running through my school reports and career assessments; ‘…..an excellent year. But he could do much better if he tried…..’
I am going to have to try to do a lot better in future.
my Mr. Hyde has been set free far too often
and my elixir is alcohol
a deceiver will always find one who wishes to be deceived
the instant gratification of booze is a devious deception
it is better to be lied to than to become a liar
seduction is a form of deception
you know she can fool you at any time on any given day
love never dies a natural death
love is always killed by dishonesty, deception, and distrust
first appearances are not always deceptions, just mostly
be careful who you trust
the devil was once an angel
the worst thing about being lied to
is knowing that you weren’t even worth the truth
a friend when you are in need, is a friend indeed
friendship isn’t a test of endurance
friendship is not a deal, it’s a state of being
true friendship asks no questions and tells no lies
if your lover isn’t your best friend, then it’s just casual sex
a real friend is like a spring of cool clear water in the desert heat
he isn’t your friend if he makes you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells
your best friend is your starlight and your guide when you are lost in the darkness
a friend will find you
no matter where you are
everything seems different in black and white
perhaps that isn’t so pc any more
seeing everything in shades of grey
watching the world disappear
into a darkling dangerous abyss
a hell we created for ourselves
we each have a demon in our heart
love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies
Well, perhaps, but even in the truest of loves between the most compatible of people each of them has their own separate road to walk. They may walk it together, supporting each other always, and the one may carry the other for a time, but each one wants / should / must have their own choices to make. It is a truism that you cannot / should not / must not try to live another person’s life for them.
More than that, almost every adult craves their independence, needs their time alone, and wants to be able to make their own mistakes. The thing about romantic partnerships and love is that the partners should be good friends, perhaps each another’s very best friend. And the thing about very good friends is that you don’t always want to see them, but you always want to know that they’re there.
No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main….. ~ John Donne
Sharing everything with your partner might sound ideal, and I guess many young lovers strive for that perfect ideal, but there is nothing worse in life than perfection. Living in your partner’s pocket is claustrophobic, actually living with anyone every minute of every single day, month in and month out, would constitute a cruel and unusual punishment in most legal systems. But solitary confinement is even worse.
How much you share with your partner, and how much of your partner you share with others is, like all of life, a balancing act. But I would strongly suggest that sharing absolutely everything isn’t going to work for most people.
Here I can best speak for myself; a real, honest, honourable, steadfast, and true man. And I need time alone, not fully engaged with anyone or anything other than myself, my innermost thoughts, and the Goddess of my understanding. Men such as I tend to seek out solitary pastimes ~ I take long meditative walks by the sea. But from time to time some company is nice.
Most men have very poor conversational skills in comparison to their female partner, so telling her about ‘everything that happened in my day’ is difficult for men. Similarly, listening to her narrate her day’s events is hard for men. And trust me on this; some of the things she may have done he will not ever want to know. Men have very poor empathy in comparison to women.
And then; a man’s feelings, drives, and needs are very different from a woman’s. He will not ever want to know about your past and the other men in it, and if he does a woman should worry. The same goes for men in your present life, (coworkers and such).
People who want to know everything about you and live with you 24 / 7 are but one step from spying, stalking, and gaslighting. Maybe ~ so give each other some space.
(there is a whole other set of meanings about ‘sharing’ in relationships ~ but I’m not going to go there)
most women would not want to be chained
not all the time anyway