there is no in-between, it is either all or nothing
sometimes you just explode
Our personalities stem from deep within our subconscious and are everything about the way we feel, react, and act. A personality disorder is when parts of our personality cause problems in our lives. A personality disorder will adversely affect how you cope with life, deal with relationships, how you behave every second of every day, and how you feel. There is no cure.
The symptoms of a personality disorder may be treatable, but the underlying damage to your personality is not. Because there is no cure, any treatment has to be long-term and specific to the individual concerned. For example, some personality disorders respond well to medication, (Bi-Polar Disorder), while for others medication is both useless and probably dangerous, (Borderline Personality Disorder).
The men in white coats now believe that personality disorders are hard-wired into whoever is unfortunate enough to suffer one of the 10 different disorders, and they say that’s about one in twenty of the population. (Personally I believe that far more than 5% of people are living with a serious personality disorder.) The theory is that is you have a personality disorder you will never be able to shake off its symptoms. This is not true.
Personality Disorders are most likely incurable, but the symptoms can be managed.
- Crisis management. Self-harm and suicide is common among sufferers of a personality disorder. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and about 10% of all those who suffer from BPD kill themselves. At times you may be hospitalised for your own safety and because you are a danger to others.
- Medication. There are some drugs to help sufferers of depression, anxiety, mood-swings, and psychosis. Medication does not treat the underlying personality disorder, merely the symptoms. Mostly antipsychotic medication is no more effective than a placebo, and has horrible side-effects.
- Talking Therapy. Depending on where you live there may be a few talking treatments that just might help suffers of a personality disorder. These include art therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive analytic therapy, and dialectical behaviour therapy.
- Sheltered living. Some suffers of personality disorders have such difficulty in dealing with everyday life that spending a long period in a therapeutic community is the only way they are able to cope at all.
- Learning about your illness. The likelihood is that anyone suffering from a personality disorder spends a lot of time in the confusion of not knowing WTF is happening to them. If you learn, then you know, you may understand, and then you may be able to recover.
- Self-Directed therapy. The chances of me receiving any suitable treatment in my lifetime are just about zero. Therefore my only recourse is to use self-help. Luckily self-help treatment for personality disorders does work ~ if you do the hard work, every single
fuckingday of your life.
- Avoidance behaviours. Most sufferers of a personality disorder are / or have been into alcohol abuse, drug misuse, gambling, compulsive shopping, unsafe casual sex, never leaving home…..
Some say that if you have a personality disorder you may as well just curl up and die. And that extreme avoidance behaviour is the way to go. All I know is that if you do the hard work you can get over the sh*t and be happier.
never leaving home is one solution
it is NOT a viable long-term solution
the heart is a strange beast and not ruled by logic
if all you have is a lonely beach…..
Nobody is rational about emotions ~ that’s why they’re called emotions. And yet, I am handling my extreme and chaotic emotions quite rationally.
Feelings cannot be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem. ~ Anne Frank
Feelings cannot be ignored, and yet I am ignoring some incredibly powerful feelings that boil like black lava with in me.
I suffer from a very serious mental malady which creates wild, extreme, and powerful mood swings, and yet outwardly I am calm and grounded.
I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in-between. ~ Sylvia Path.
The Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), that torments me creates extreme and instant feelings; anger, bitterness, disconnectedness, fear, guilt, insecurity, jealousy, loneliness, lust, paranoia, rejection, resentment….. and a kaleidoscope of all of those and more. Yet, through putting in the hard work I do not now often react to these negative feelings, nor act upon my intricately-constructed negative thoughts.
Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber
In the very recent past I would oft give my negative feelings and darkest thoughts free rein, and that never ever made things better, reacting to negative feelings and acting upon my darkest thoughts always, always, made everything in my life much worse. About 10% of everyone who has suffered from BPD commits suicide, and a greater number die from the near-suicides of such things as alcoholism, drug addiction, and risky, impulsive behaviors like promiscuous casual sex with strangers and insane driving. Those with personality disorders also have a higher than average risk of ‘lifestyle illnesses’ such as cancers, pancreatitis, cirrhosis, strokes, and heart attacks.
For me, when the inner emotional pain got bad I would retreat into the self-destructive oblivion of alcohol ~ which is very akin to temporary suicide.
In my lowest moments, the only reason I didn’t commit suicide was that I knew I wouldn’t be able to drink any more if I was dead. ~ Eric Clapton
Three very simple stratagems have relieved me of the torture and torment I have suffered for as long as I can remember.
- Learning and understanding everything I could about my personal personality disorder.
- Delaying my reaction to negative feelings, and delaying taking any action following my darkest and most evil nightmare thoughts. If I delay long enough the darkness passes.
- Keeping busy and avoiding idleness, even if doing something was outside of my comfort-zones.
To recover from Borderline Personality Disorder I have had to embrace change.
We have to be honest about what we want and take risks rather than lie to ourselves and make excuses to stay in our comfort zone. ~ Roy T. Bennett.
Some say that the emotion that can break your heart is the one that heals it. And that there is nothing they can do but to follow their heart. All I know is that it’s a good thing that I’ve finally found a way to control myself.
eventually the night comes
and with the night come the nightmares
wandering through a desolate wasteland of your own making
I guess I have suffered from untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), for most of my life. I shouldn’t feel so bad because BPD is mostly incurable, and all many of we sufferers can do is learn how to minimise how the symptoms and traits that blight our lives.
As far as possible treatments go…..
Many suffers of this terrible illness self-medicate with copious quantities of alcohol, marijuana, and other street drugs ~ and then they become addicts. I’ve tried the booze thing, over and over again, just to escape the pain and suffering. It works for a while, because a boozer will eventually just pass out. However, the cure soon becomes worse than the disease. Too much booze can kill you in so very many ways, and anyone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder will always drink far too much strong liquor. Eventually one has to stop drinking for a while, and for a while after you stop drinking you might feel so physically ill that you believe you are going to die.
If you are in crisis your doctor might give you a sleeping pill or tranquilizer, but should not ever prescribe more than a week’s supply ~ there is too much danger that someone suffering from BPD will take an overdose, possibly in an attempt to kill themselves.
Your doctor may prescribe Prozac, (fluoxetine), which is an SSRI, (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), an antidepressant used to safely treat depression, anxiety, OCD, (obsessive compulsive disorder), maybe Bipolar Disorder, and eating disorders. Prozac makes you want to commit suicide. When you stop taking Prozac you will have some unpleasant withdrawal symptoms.
In a tiny study, (of 12 patients suffering from BPD), all showed some improvement after taking Prozac over an extended period, but none in the trial had suffered from terrible depression. Nowhere is Prozac said to be an effective treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.
Of the talking therapies, current thinking is that Dialectical Behavior Therapy, (DBT), is most effective at treating BPD. The thing about DBT is that it focuses on honestly accepting who we are, and that is the real key to living a good life if you have
fucking Borderline Personality Disorder.
Good luck in finding a counselor skilled in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or getting the funding for the long and intensive course of treatment you really need. The best you might get is some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is where Dialectical Behavior Therapy came from in the first place.
Personally, I have found a great deal of benefit just watching and listening appropriate podcasts on internet sites like YouTube. What I have learned is that no matter how fucking chaotic, evil, and negative my feelings are, I DO NOT NEED TO LET MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS AFFECT MY BEHAVIOUR.
Some say that they never realised that they were acting like a jerk, or a bitch. And that they thought that everyone had distressing feelings all the time. All I know is that I can be a cool guy, living a really great life ~ even though I have an incurable personality disorder.
even in the short term drinking will not help people with a problem
alcohol is the world’s most addictive and most dangerous drug
Alcohol kills more people each year than all the other drugs combined ~ world-wide some three-million people a year will die from alcohol related causes. Cocaine, heroin, marijuana, meth, prescription drugs, tobacco…. all added together don’t kill as many people as booze. One third of all traffic fatalities involve alcohol. Booze will cause alcoholic poisoning, malnutrition, strokes, heart attacks, diabetes, cancers, a fatal coma, liver failure, pancreatitis, pneumonia, multiple organ failure, fatal accidents, suicides….. And when you end up in the emergency room the doctors and nurses will treat you like shit.
Yet drinking booze is socially acceptable, in fact if you don’t drink most people will think you are rather strange. And, if you used to be a boozer, and stop, and then go out with your old circle of friends, they will pressure you to take a drink and indulge all of your other addictions. And these are supposed to be your friends?
If you drink, then over time your drinking will get worse and worse until it kills you. Before the booze kills you, you will know physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual suffering.
Of all those people who try to stop drinking, only 2.5% will make it to 90 days sober. Of that 2.5%, only 2.5% will make it to 2 years, that’s 2.5 people out of every 1,000 who will be sober 2 years after they made the decision to stop drinking. Be one of the 0.25% who succeed. You have a better chance of success if you get help.
Those who tell themselves that they want to control their drinking, or stop all together, may try some futile and self-destructive strategies;
- lying to themselves about how much they are drinking ~ denial is dangerous
- switching from spirits to wine to beer, drinking only organic booze
- limiting the number of drinks they have ~ that never, ever works
- resigning their job and moving from where they are to somewhere different ~ this is called doing a geographical
- religion, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, taking anti-drinking medication ~ I have seen people on antibuse drink a hell of a lot in a session
- drinking in different bars where nobody knows them
- switching to a different addiction; smoking, gambling, unsafe casual sex, using other drugs, stealing, impulsive spending ~ although the chances are that real boozers were doing all those things at the same time they were drinking
- joining a gym, sports club, walking club, doing yoga, meditation classes…..
None of the above really works because most boozers are liars and cheats. You will drink again if you don’t do something radically different. Take a long hard look at yourself and accept that nobody and nothing is responsible for your drinking except you, and what’s going on with you. And if you are brutally honest with yourself, then you will probably be confused because you have no idea why you drink. The brutal honesty is good ~ stay with that
Don’t worry about the confusion for now ~ for now, just stay away from that next first drink. Next, stay away from everywhere you used to drink, and all those toxic false friends you used to drink with. Give up on all your other addictions. Now find yourself some support; Alcoholics Anonymous, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, the church, sober friends, YouTube…..
And over the next 90 days find out the truth of why you drink, and deal with that. In my case I was drinking because I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and now I am dealing with that.
Some say that you are just a worthless alcoholic, and will never think that you are anything else. And some say that they never want to see you again. All I know is that everyone has the angel of recovery inside them.
single malt scotch was my drug of choice
even when I feel nothing, I feel it totally and intensely
Personality disorders are a type of mental health problem where attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours cause longstanding difficulties in your life. Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), is a serious mental illness characterised by extreme emotional instability, rapid and violent mood swings, and a terrible fear of abandonment.
There is no shortage of deception, abandonment, and betrayal out there. The world is full of lying, uncaring, unstable people. We may give our hearts, time, and spend our money to and for those who do not care for us as much as we would like them to, our expectations are not met, and this causes us much pain. For those who have Borderline Personality Disorder any failure to meet their expectations creates immense suffering because it magnifies their extreme behavioral traits.
Sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), can exhibit 9 extreme behavioral traits or symptoms;
- Chronic and morbid fear of abandonment. You would do anything to stop people from leaving you, yet you will make it happen.
- Intense, chaotic, and unstable interpersonal relationships; from intimate, to family members, to coworkers….. People around suffers of BPD often feel as though they are on an extreme rollercoaster.
- Unstable or no self-image, or sense of self. Who am I? Why am I here?
- Damaging impulsivity, self-destructive behaviour, behaving without thinking, taking risks; such as reckless driving, drink driving, problem drinking, casual sex, gambling, impulsive spending.
- Melancholia and depression leading towards self harm, thoughts of suicide, threats of suicide, attempted suicide. Sometimes the attempted suicide works and people die.
- Inappropriate, rapid, intense, and extreme mood swings; anxiety and depression, anger, euphoria…..
- A feeling of emptiness, pointlessness, ennui.
- Intense, immediate, inappropriate explosive anger that is difficult to control, followed by almost immediate remorse. People walk on eggshells around someone with BPD.
- Severe paranoia, suspicion, disassociation, feeling spaced-out, out of body experiences.
to be diagnosed with BPD you suffer from 5 or more of the nasty things listed above.
People who have BPD do not handle stress or unexpected events well ~ the extreme behavioural traits listed above will get worse if the sufferer is under external or internal stress, or if something unexpected happens, or if they are told something they don’t expect.
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, and from time to time I have exhibited all 9 of the traits listed above. Like most people with BPD I cope very badly with stress and the unexpected. I am also very prone to what is called Splitting, which is black and white thinking, complete focus; which means that people, places, and things are either all good, or all bad ~ but this judgement can change very rapidly.
Some say that I am too sensitive, that I feel too much. And, that I always seem to destroy everything. All I know is that I’m so happy that I can’t stop crying.
sometimes pain is good
the thorns are as beautiful as the rose
Reinventing yourself is an essential process if you want to flourish
I came to a point in my life where I knew that I had to change, it was time to make a fresh start. As we mature, as we learn and gain greater wisdom, it is inevitable that our goals, dreams plans, and expectations change. And for some of us, struggling with difficult emotional, mental, and psychological problems, we know that we need to let go of that which doesn’t work any more, never really worked, and was never going to work as far as our personal life and relationships are concerned.
It’s first of all about letting go of expectations, resentments, and hard-wired negative emotions. It’s about exploring and educating ourselves in new ways of living, it’s about finding ways to cope with those hard-wired negative emotions, it’s about discovering new ways of being, doing, thinking, and feeling.
Invent yourself and then reinvent yourself….. and reinvent your life because you must; it is your life and its history and the present belong only to you. ~ Charles Bukowski
However, I kid you not, unless you are reinventing yourself as an even worse version of the person you are today, (and I have seen many do that), then making a fundamental change to who and what you are, is
fucking very difficult.
You can become a new, different, and better person very easily using your conscious mind ~ but know this, your conscious mind is only in control of your actions for about 5% of the time, the other 95% of the time your subconscious mind is in charge. And you can’t talk to your subconscious and tell it that you’ve changed because there is nobody in there. Your subconscious is made up of a set of programs that just run in response to stimuli and rewriting those programs is next to impossible.
One proven way to do it is called Habituation or Act As If. It’s like learning to drive a car, you practice and you practice until a new set of ‘driving programs’ is stored in your subconscious. So if you want to stop drinking, smoking, taking drugs, gambling, having endless casual sexual relationships, being a jerk, being a thief….. then you need to practice and practice not doing those negative things and instead be a better person until those new and better programs are stored in your subconscious. It will take a year or two.
The snag is that your family, ‘friends’, coworkers, partners in crime, et al., will sabotage you at every turn. If you’re trying to stop drinking / smoking / taking drugs and you go out with your old circle of friends they will encourage you to drink / smoke / use ~ and the chances are you will give in. They will continue to label you as alcoholic, addict, slut, jerk, thief, chain-smoker….. in casual conversation and when describing you ~ and that is how they will always think of you. And none of that is helpful.
The lesson is, if you are reinventing yourself you have to leave behind your old life ~ including all those unsupportive family members, false friends, and toxic relationships because they will do their utmost to drag you down into the past.
your false friends would like to see you stay there in the gutter with a bottle
The great task in life is to find reality.
We make most mistakes, we suffer the most, and we do the most harm when our thoughts and beliefs differ from reality. It’s when we create stories and assumptions in our own mind which are untrue that we begin on a journey of falsehoods. And, those falsehoods lead to; alcohol abuse, drugs, eating disorders, gambling, heavy smoking, self-harm, casual sex ~ just to find temporary comfort and the illusion that our falsehoods are true. When our beliefs are untrue we can suffer from anxiety and depression, together with a host of other serious mental illnesses such as; Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. The stress of having beliefs which differ from reality causes a raft of physical illnesses, including cardiovascular problems, cancers, diabetes, dementia, and early death.
Yet, there is no such thing as reality.
Reality is an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ~ Albert Einstein
It seems that in quantum physics and interpersonal relationships there is no such thing as cause and effect ~ no straight line between the past, through the present, and into the future. Even in very close relationships there are often merely shared perceptions of the world ~ and two people may both share perceptions, thoughts, and beliefs which are untrue. If alcohol, drugs, or mental illness is added into the mix then we get dangerous situations such as physical, verbal, mental abuse and co-dependency.
If your life is going down the shitter, if you are prey to addictions, if you suffer from a mental illness ~ then the chances are that your thoughts and beliefs have seriously differed from reality.
Einstein and other serious thinkers may tell us that reality is merely an illusion, BUT on a day to day basis we have to live in whatever reality surrounds us. That means seeing and accepting reality as it is, and not as we wish it to be. Reality is neutral and impersonal. Reality has no expectations and no beliefs. Reality is the true state of things. There is only one past, present, and future reality ~ it is our own perceptions and beliefs which create an infinity of different versions of the past, the present, and the possible futures.
To find true reality is both very easy and very difficult;
- be totally honest with yourself and others ~ reality is truth
- never take things personally ~ reality is impersonal
- do not make assumptions nor create expectations
Some say that reality is an illusion. And that we are all just simulations living in a matrix. All I know is that when my beliefs differed from reality I got myself into some serious trouble.
to discover your ultimate reality requires a lot of deep thought
Immorality is the natural mind-set of all politicians.
Yet another English politician is linked with using the illegal drug cocaine. This time it’s Boris Johnson, the favourite to become next leader of the conservative party ~ the once natural party of government in the United Kingdom. This is no surprise as just about every other contender for this top political job is also a proven (past or present) drug user.
Some say that using drugs in the past should not prevent someone from getting on in politics, effectively holding down a top job, and being a success. Some say that smoking pot does not indicate that the stoner is a bad person, a liar lacking in morals.
I disagree. I contend that anyone who has used cocaine is dishonest, amoral, dishonest, and unethical. To begin with, if these people have ever entered the USA, they have lied to US customs and immigration. And, I don’t want a proven liar as a potential leader of my country. But then, all politicians lie all the time, don’t they?
Some say that all drug users are also addicted to other things; alcohol, gambling, infidelity, casual sex…. All I know is that no male politician, business leader, or top public official, has ever been able to keep his dick in his trousers. In my experience most men and women who use / have used drugs are also heavy drinkers, gamblers, liars, and not averse to casual sex. But then, everyone has skeletons in their closet, don’t they?
Some say that the lawlessnes and knife crime on the streets of London can be directly linked to the non-enforcement of the UK’s drug laws by politicians and officials themselves guilty of illegal drugs use.
Some say that there is noting wrong with a dishonest, amoral, sexually promiscuous person leading a country / business / charity / law enforcement agency. And that using drugs in the past shouldn’t affect someone’s life today. All I know is that I prefer to know ethical, honest, clean and (mostly) sober people in my life
How long before we see this on our streets again?
As legalization spreads, more Americans are becoming heavy users of cannabis, despite its link to violence and mental illness. ~ The Wall Street Journal.
The resting place for alcoholics, bums, and drug users.
The ideas I want to share with you are considered subversive and ant-social. But subversion can be a good thing. Sometimes going against mainstream opinions is not only justified, it is necessary to counter vested interests, prejudice, error, bigotry, and bad science. If an idea or opinion is not universally accepted, that does not per se mean that the different theory is wrong. Galileo was denounced for suggesting that the Earth orbited the Sun.
There exists today an extraordinary denial of the clear links between cannabis use, mental illness, crime, and violence. For what is the real difference between pot, cocaine, heroin, and sundry other dangerous psychoactive drugs, all of which lead to the untimely death of someone?
As many Americans are regular users of dangerous psychoactive drugs as there are Americans who drink booze every day. And the cannabis used today is far stronger than it was is the 1970s, containg more than 10 times as much THC now than it did back then. ( The psychoactive ingredient of cannabis is TetraHydroCannabinoil.)
Some of the effects of THC on the brain are a lowered IQ, an increased risk of psychosis, schizophrenia, paranoia, delusions, hallucianations, losing touch with reality, reduced cognition, impaired and false memories, and a hell of a lot of ‘neural noise’. THC also totally fucks the brain’s pleasure / reward systems, suppressing self control, leading to increased appetite for food, booze, sex, more drugs…..
Using marijuana has detrimental physical effects causing breathing problems, cardiovascular dangers, intense nausea and vomiting, weight issues. If a pregnant mother uses cannabis she is seriously damaging the foetus in her womb.
Marijuana users experience; lower life satisfaction, poor mental health, poorer physical health, and serious relationship issues. These effects are very long term / permanent, even if you are / were an occasional user of this insidious drug.
Personally I would never get involved with any marijuana user, or indeed anyone who abuses drugs of any kind. And, addicts of anything are infinitely more dangerous than someone who is clean and healthy in body, mind, and spirit.
Just a couple of examples of cannabis fuelled violence: #1 the Islamic terrorists who carried out a devastating attack on innocent passers-by on London Bridge on the 3rd of June 2017 were all habitual users of marijuana, #2 the despicable youth who deliberately drove into a young girl in Utah on Friday 31st of May this year was high on a mixture of cannabis, Xanax, and booze. He killed the 11 year old girl on purpose.
Some say that marijuana is a relatively harmless drug. And, that the weed never hurt anyone. All I know is that using marijuana means that someone is going to die an untimely death.
Growing this in England is illegal,
but nobody cares anymore.