you don’t lie to the person that you love
she was carnal
and I truly adored her
I never knew the real woman
she walked on eggshells around me
why do I adore a false chimera, an avatar?
and she never tells the truth
agriculture is all about profit, it’s never been about health
The first thing to know about the Paleo Diet is that it has bugger-all to do with the Paleolithic era of man, which actually lasted from about 3.3 million years BC until about 14,000 years ago when the Paleolithic era morphed into the Neolithic Era. During most of the Paleolithic era people weren’t even what can be called human. During all of that time ‘man’ used stone tools, ‘lithic’ means ‘of stone’, and the for all of that time ‘man’s’ diet was whatever he could kill or gather from the environment around him, wherever he happened to live. Acorns don’t feature heavily in any popular diet I know of.
Since The Wolf Moon on January 10th this year my life keeps getting better and better ~ different and better. I have made a conscious decision to turn back the clock on my lifestyle and live more like our Neolithic ancestors did ~ in terms of diet and exercise that is….. And so help me, a proper Paleo Diet is a good starting point ~ there is a difference between some popular versions of the Paleo Diet and what is good for you.
First, what isn’t included in a Paleo Diet; refined sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, grains like wheat, barley, and rice….. all of those will make you ill, maybe cause cancers, and eventually kill you. Also avoid; Legumes like beans and peas, dairy like milk and cheese, (make your own mind up about eggs), most vegetable oils like corn oil and sunflower oil, trans fats like you find in margarine, look for the words ‘hydrogenated’ and avoid that like the plague. Don’t consume anything with artificial sweeteners like aspartame and saccharin, these are nasty and will hurt your body, cut down on salt. Don’t eat processed foods, nothing from cans, no pre-prepared meals in an aluminium or plastic tray, nothing labeled ‘diet’ or ‘low-fat’. If it looks like it was made in a factory don’t eat it.
Don’t buy take-out ~ you don’t know what’s in it, and have you ever seen around back of a take-out place? Dirt, rats, cockroaches, dangerous filth….. Don’t eat at restaurants too often.
What should we eat, what am I going to eat?
- fruits and vegetables, but not legumes like beans and peas.
- nuts and seeds, good luck on buying acorns.
- lean meats, grass fed if possible.
- Fish, especially those fish rich in omega-3, like salmon, mackerel, herring, albacore tuna. Cod and haddock are good too because you know they must be wild-caught.
- Use good oil from fruits and nuts, extra virgin olive oil is my staple.
- Potatoes. Strictly speaking I shouldn’t eat high starch food, but I’m not giving up on a jacket potato with my steak.
Also I do not ever take medication, the side-effects aren’t trivial, they are effects, not innocent side-effects. Most medication will make you very sick sooner or later, and all medication is addictive sooner or later. Avoid alcohol and drugs, do not use pot, it will give you schizophrenia, do not ever ever even experiment with something like cocaine. The effects on your brain never, ever go away.
Along with a good diet I will also exercise like our neolithic ancestors, and they walked. Imagine walking down a herd of bison. How far do you think you need to walk to exhaust a bison?
Some say that modern processed foods are a boon. And that take-out pizza and beer makes for a healthy diet. All I know is I want to be fit, healthy, and looking forward to a long life.
if you want to drink,
stick to a little red wine,
or a good British beer.
it’s easy to have sex without love, but hard to have love without sex
Love is either a wonderful thing; the best thing that’s even happened to you ~ or it’s a disaster akin to a psychological disorder such as repeated suicide attempts. One thing is clear, that when love hits you, it’s like being hit by a runaway freight train. For good or ill, love will change your life completely. But then, so will sex. Aside from a one night stand of casual fucking, sex comes in several forms; desire, lust, infatuation, incest, eroticism, BDSM, fascination, passion, possessiveness, prostitution, pornography….. None of those has anything to do with real love, and all are momentary, fleeting, temporary.
Sex is the ultimate instant gratification, wanting someone and having casual sex with them will / should make you feel great, but that feeling will never last for long. Which is why some, especially mature married women, the archetypal MILF, can be very promiscuous. It’s why some women continually buy lots of new shoes, or use drugs, or post erotic pictures of themselves on the internet, or have a string of affairs ~ they are just jonesing, chasing after that moment of intense pleasure. It’s why men get addicted to pornography.
If they didn’t have it before, people who indulge in this kind of behaviour will have low self-esteem, lack self-confidence, have no true sense of identity, and most likely drink far too much and use the ‘softer’ drugs. Seeking this kind of ‘love’ might give you successful moments, but it is no basis for a successful life. In fact, in the long run, this kind of behaviour will ruin your life.
On the other hand, real and sustainable love can appear unexciting and less cool than fucking a different person every week, but do not be fooled by appearances. This is what you need to create a truly successful and happy life. It is what you feel in meaningful relationships ~ those relationships where you truly connect with, accept, and understand both yourself and the object of your affections. Developing and living in those relationships can be difficult ~ it’s very easy to get fucked by someone you’ve just met in a pub, especially for a woman. It’s more difficult to live in love for month after month, year after year. The temptation to walk away from a deep and meaningful relationship is often in the air, but perseverance is richly rewarded.
To have a meaningful, long-term, loving relationship requires one thing that most people can’t or will not do, and that is to be honest. You need to be honest, open and trusting ~ and not only with your partner, but with yourself too. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of people I have met who are truly honest with themselves and with others. To use a hackneyed quotation ‘Everybody Lies’.
Some say that they are very much in love, but sleep with a different person every week, or more often than that. And that casual affairs don’t ever count, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. All I know is that for two people in love the Cosmos is a wonderful place to be.
this is most likely lust in a pub
followed by casual sex in a car
I understood myself only after I destroyed myself.
It used to be thought by many doctors, and those in 12-step recovery programs, that addiction was a disease in its own right. Conversely many people believed that alcoholism, drug abuse, compulsive gambling, and other addictions were due to personal weakness. That it was all down to the search for instant self-gratification, and that addicts were just unwilling to stop ~ or perhaps unable to stop drinking, using, gambling…..
However, medical science no longer believes that pleasure-seeking alone drives addicts into their own personal hell. Doctors and scientists now think that most engage in addictive behaviour not so much to attain euphoria as to escape physical, emotional, and spiritual pain and distress.
This is certainly true in my own case. From time to time I drink far too much, not because I like booze or it makes me feel good. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, which is characterised by extreme emotions, and from time to time negative feelings such as anger, jealousy, paranoia, anxiety, and suicidal depression cause me so much physical, emotional, and spiritual pain that I escape into alcohol. And you know what? Drinking doesn’t really work.
In the USA 15.7 million people seriously abuse alcohol, and 2.6 million of those also suffer from a drug abuse disorder. In all some 7.7 million people in all use illicit drugs in the USA, and / or abuse prescription drugs. About 8% of the total population of the USA have a substance abuse problem. Many of these have multiple addictions ~ gambling, excessive use of pornography, and promiscuity also ruin lives. Doctors also believe that the type of addiction doesn’t matter at all; whether it be alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling, whatever….. all addictions are the same, addicts are people who try to escape physical, emotional, and spiritual distress.
Some 47,000 people a year die directly from an overdose of opiod drugs, and alcohol claims the lives of some 90,000 people a year. I know what that feels like, people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder have a 10% likelihood of committing suicide, which is over 1,000 times more than in the general population.
Some days I can barely breathe, I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. Some days I blame others for my pain and problems. Some days I am barely hanging on. And, some days life is pretty good.
The good news is that there are a number of effective treatments for addiction; including self-help strategies, psychotherapy, rehabilitation programs, and in some cases medication. (As it goes medication doesn’t work, and is actually dangerous for anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder.) But, I can protect myself from addiction by having meaningful and mindful interests in my life, together with supportive friendships. My problems and pain are very transient. And life isn’t always supposed to be fun and filled with pleasure, into every life a little rain must fall. Shit Happens
Some say that addiction only affects weak and pathetic people. And that there is no chance of recovery from any addiction. All I know is that I have many more good days than the bad days on which I hit the bottle.
recovery doesn’t work for those who need it
recovery works for those who want it
people who drink a little too much can get into a lot of trouble
Long Island Iced Tea
I suffer from a serious and untreated emotional problem called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD). One of the nastier symptoms of this illness is substance abuse, which in my case involves drinking far too much booze from time to time.
This is not alcoholism, which is a different and separate disease in its own right, rather it’s attempting to escape emotional pain through numbing the mind with booze. Other sufferers of BPD take street drugs, or abuse prescription drugs in one way or another.
Both booze and drugs will kill you sooner or later, (most drugs much faster than booze), and no counselling treatment for BPD has any chance of working if you drink or take drugs. Ergo if you suffer from a serious personality disorder, and you want to recover, the first thing you must do is stop drinking, smoking tobacco, smoking pot, using cocaine, or harder drugs, or abusing prescription drugs.
Actually, it’s much more important than just having effective counselling for your personality disorder ~ another symptom of many personality disorders is threatening suicide, attempted suicide, or actual suicide, and adding booze and drugs into mix is just adding for trouble.
Yet another set of symptoms of personality disorders is very impulsive behaviour, and that’s something else you don’t want to mix with drink and drugs. A chap could get himself into very serious trouble mixing booze and drugs with impulsive bahaviours ~ and a woman even more so.
As it goes I am in pretty deep shit in all kinds of ways, so staying off alcohol is now essential for me.
Some say they’ve spent a hell of a lot of money on booze, drugs and fast women. And the rest they just wasted. All I know is that I cannot touch booze at all.
another strange american beer
with perseverance and endurance you can survive any storm
Nobody sane wants to suffer a doddering old age when you can’t remember anything or anyone. And certainly nobody wants to become an early victim of Alzheimer’s or Dementia.
Maybe most of us have had a parent or elderly relative who has suffered from memory loss, disorientation, poor judgement, mood swings, and a complete inability to live an independently normal life. To a certain extent maybe that can be expected and accepted when the sufferer in in their 80s or so, but why should it be? And why should anyone expect or accept the early onset of what should be a disease of the elderly such as Alzheimer’s Disease?
The fact is we can take steps to protect and, if necessary, repair our cognitive abilities. It’s not rocket science, look any website such as cognitive vitality and you will see that the things that we need to do to protect ourselves against things like dementia are exactly the same things we should be doing to live a healthy life. In order, and without even checking my information, these are;
- Stop smoking completely, (and vaping is even worse than smoking). Smoking will kill you in so many ways, but if you last long enough it will kill your brain.
- Don’t ever use drugs like pot, cocaine, heroin, (and don’t kid yourself that once in a while is OK). Don’t abuse prescription drugs, in fact as far as possible stop taking prescription drugs.
- Stop drinking, get sober, give up the booze, (and don’t even try to tell me that you can control your drinking). Drinking will also kill you in so many ways, but if you last long enough it will kill your brain.
- Eat for your brain. There is strong evidence that the right kind of diet will promote brain health. To begin with, stop eating canned food, processed food, and fast foods. Check out websites like Purple Almond Wellness.
- Get enough good quality sleep. Keep a regular bedtime 365 days a year, do not sleep in at weekends. Do not take sleeping medication, you should never need it.
- Take lots of fresh air, exercise, and sunshine. You know that you need to walk for your circulation to work properly? If you try the 10,000 steps a day thing you will sleep alright.
- Lose whatever causes you stress. You know that too much stress could kill you? It will certainly shorten your life expectancy and make you prone to nasty diseases such as cancer.
- Be active in mind and spirit. Keep learning, meet new people, get a hobby, do stuff. If you sit there drinking beer and watching sports TV your body weight is going to balloon and your IQ is going to plummet.
- Get really, really physically healthy. This is a big topic, so learn how to do it, start with a website like seven fitness tips for improved physical health. And don’t just sit there, get up and do things.
Some say that their lifestyle is fine. And that it’s OK to always drive the mile to the store and back. All I know is that the average American is killing themselves, and if they’re unlucky they’ll live long enough to kill their brain first.
being upset is no reason to;
drink, use drugs, smoke…
I understood myself only after I destroyed myself
Psychiatrists tell us that there are 10 different types of personality disorder, and that suffers do not necessarily cleanly fit into just one category. They also tell us that there is a remarkable overlap between those diagnosed with a personality disorder and those who also display one or more addictive behaviours.
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and around 80% of those diagnosed with BPD also have substance abuse disorders; the most common being alcoholism, followed by addiction to cocaine, opiates, prescription drugs, and marijuana. Suffers from BPD are also likely to have other addictions such as being dangerously promiscuous and / or have gambling issues. In my case I spent several years as a near-alcoholic.
Any addictive behaviour, particularly booze or drugs, by those suffering from a personality disorder just makes everything much, much worse. Lives become more difficult, they become totally unresponsive to treatment, they become violent, and will threaten, attempt, or actually commit suicide. Around 10% of those diagnosed with BPD commit suicide, which is 1,000 times more than in the general population.
Therefore, in order to recover from Borderline Personality Disorder, (or any other personality disorder), the first prerequisite is to cease and desist from any addictive behaviours. In my case this means just don’t drink, stay sober, never touch booze. This never, ever means that someone in recovery can have one or two drinks, or smoke the occasional joint, or go to Vegas once in a while. Stopping means just that, stopping completely, forever, just one day at a time.
Sadly, the success rate for those attempting to recover from alcoholism, substance abuse, or any other addiction, is very low. More than half of all those who want to stop drinking will relapse within 3 months, more than half will die from booze, the side-effects of booze, accidents, or suicide. (Some say that 100% of those who don’t stop drinking or using will die from their addiction, its side-effects, or suicide. From personal experience I agree with that.)
There are a few rules to follow to stop drinking, using, or other addiction;
- stop being friends with people who you used to drink with, use with, have sex with, gamble with
- stay away from bars and other places where you used to drink or use, or whatever
- never, ever take the first drink, joint, pill, or whatever your addiction of choice
- do not get lonely, angry, hungry, or tired
- change your routines completely
- live one day at a time
Some say that the survival instinct is overwhelmed by the addiction. And that once an addict always an addict. All I know is that if I drink I will suffer very bad things
recovery means staying out of bars
there is no in-between, it is either all or nothing
sometimes you just explode
Our personalities stem from deep within our subconscious and are everything about the way we feel, react, and act. A personality disorder is when parts of our personality cause problems in our lives. A personality disorder will adversely affect how you cope with life, deal with relationships, how you behave every second of every day, and how you feel. There is no cure.
The symptoms of a personality disorder may be treatable, but the underlying damage to your personality is not. Because there is no cure, any treatment has to be long-term and specific to the individual concerned. For example, some personality disorders respond well to medication, (Bi-Polar Disorder), while for others medication is both useless and probably dangerous, (Borderline Personality Disorder).
The men in white coats now believe that personality disorders are hard-wired into whoever is unfortunate enough to suffer one of the 10 different disorders, and they say that’s about one in twenty of the population. (Personally I believe that far more than 5% of people are living with a serious personality disorder.) The theory is that is you have a personality disorder you will never be able to shake off its symptoms. This is not true.
Personality Disorders are most likely incurable, but the symptoms can be managed.
- Crisis management. Self-harm and suicide is common among sufferers of a personality disorder. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and about 10% of all those who suffer from BPD kill themselves. At times you may be hospitalised for your own safety and because you are a danger to others.
- Medication. There are some drugs to help sufferers of depression, anxiety, mood-swings, and psychosis. Medication does not treat the underlying personality disorder, merely the symptoms. Mostly antipsychotic medication is no more effective than a placebo, and has horrible side-effects.
- Talking Therapy. Depending on where you live there may be a few talking treatments that just might help suffers of a personality disorder. These include art therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive analytic therapy, and dialectical behaviour therapy.
- Sheltered living. Some suffers of personality disorders have such difficulty in dealing with everyday life that spending a long period in a therapeutic community is the only way they are able to cope at all.
- Learning about your illness. The likelihood is that anyone suffering from a personality disorder spends a lot of time in the confusion of not knowing WTF is happening to them. If you learn, then you know, you may understand, and then you may be able to recover.
- Self-Directed therapy. The chances of me receiving any suitable treatment in my lifetime are just about zero. Therefore my only recourse is to use self-help. Luckily self-help treatment for personality disorders does work ~ if you do the hard work, every single
fuckingday of your life.
- Avoidance behaviours. Most sufferers of a personality disorder are / or have been into alcohol abuse, drug misuse, gambling, compulsive shopping, unsafe casual sex, never leaving home…..
Some say that if you have a personality disorder you may as well just curl up and die. And that extreme avoidance behaviour is the way to go. All I know is that if you do the hard work you can get over the sh*t and be happier.
never leaving home is one solution
it is NOT a viable long-term solution
the heart is a strange beast and not ruled by logic
if all you have is a lonely beach…..
Nobody is rational about emotions ~ that’s why they’re called emotions. And yet, I am handling my extreme and chaotic emotions quite rationally.
Feelings cannot be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem. ~ Anne Frank
Feelings cannot be ignored, and yet I am ignoring some incredibly powerful feelings that boil like black lava with in me.
I suffer from a very serious mental malady which creates wild, extreme, and powerful mood swings, and yet outwardly I am calm and grounded.
I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in-between. ~ Sylvia Path.
The Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), that torments me creates extreme and instant feelings; anger, bitterness, disconnectedness, fear, guilt, insecurity, jealousy, loneliness, lust, paranoia, rejection, resentment….. and a kaleidoscope of all of those and more. Yet, through putting in the hard work I do not now often react to these negative feelings, nor act upon my intricately-constructed negative thoughts.
Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber
In the very recent past I would oft give my negative feelings and darkest thoughts free rein, and that never ever made things better, reacting to negative feelings and acting upon my darkest thoughts always, always, made everything in my life much worse. About 10% of everyone who has suffered from BPD commits suicide, and a greater number die from the near-suicides of such things as alcoholism, drug addiction, and risky, impulsive behaviors like promiscuous casual sex with strangers and insane driving. Those with personality disorders also have a higher than average risk of ‘lifestyle illnesses’ such as cancers, pancreatitis, cirrhosis, strokes, and heart attacks.
For me, when the inner emotional pain got bad I would retreat into the self-destructive oblivion of alcohol ~ which is very akin to temporary suicide.
In my lowest moments, the only reason I didn’t commit suicide was that I knew I wouldn’t be able to drink any more if I was dead. ~ Eric Clapton
Three very simple stratagems have relieved me of the torture and torment I have suffered for as long as I can remember.
- Learning and understanding everything I could about my personal personality disorder.
- Delaying my reaction to negative feelings, and delaying taking any action following my darkest and most evil nightmare thoughts. If I delay long enough the darkness passes.
- Keeping busy and avoiding idleness, even if doing something was outside of my comfort-zones.
To recover from Borderline Personality Disorder I have had to embrace change.
We have to be honest about what we want and take risks rather than lie to ourselves and make excuses to stay in our comfort zone. ~ Roy T. Bennett.
Some say that the emotion that can break your heart is the one that heals it. And that there is nothing they can do but to follow their heart. All I know is that it’s a good thing that I’ve finally found a way to control myself.
eventually the night comes
and with the night come the nightmares