I understood myself only after I destroyed myself.
It used to be thought by many doctors, and those in 12-step recovery programs, that addiction was a disease in its own right. Conversely many people believed that alcoholism, drug abuse, compulsive gambling, and other addictions were due to personal weakness. That it was all down to the search for instant self-gratification, and that addicts were just unwilling to stop ~ or perhaps unable to stop drinking, using, gambling…..
However, medical science no longer believes that pleasure-seeking alone drives addicts into their own personal hell. Doctors and scientists now think that most engage in addictive behaviour not so much to attain euphoria as to escape physical, emotional, and spiritual pain and distress.
This is certainly true in my own case. From time to time I drink far too much, not because I like booze or it makes me feel good. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, which is characterised by extreme emotions, and from time to time negative feelings such as anger, jealousy, paranoia, anxiety, and suicidal depression cause me so much physical, emotional, and spiritual pain that I escape into alcohol. And you know what? Drinking doesn’t really work.
In the USA 15.7 million people seriously abuse alcohol, and 2.6 million of those also suffer from a drug abuse disorder. In all some 7.7 million people in all use illicit drugs in the USA, and / or abuse prescription drugs. About 8% of the total population of the USA have a substance abuse problem. Many of these have multiple addictions ~ gambling, excessive use of pornography, and promiscuity also ruin lives. Doctors also believe that the type of addiction doesn’t matter at all; whether it be alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling, whatever….. all addictions are the same, addicts are people who try to escape physical, emotional, and spiritual distress.
Some 47,000 people a year die directly from an overdose of opiod drugs, and alcohol claims the lives of some 90,000 people a year. I know what that feels like, people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder have a 10% likelihood of committing suicide, which is over 1,000 times more than in the general population.
Some days I can barely breathe, I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. Some days I blame others for my pain and problems. Some days I am barely hanging on. And, some days life is pretty good.
The good news is that there are a number of effective treatments for addiction; including self-help strategies, psychotherapy, rehabilitation programs, and in some cases medication. (As it goes medication doesn’t work, and is actually dangerous for anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder.) But, I can protect myself from addiction by having meaningful and mindful interests in my life, together with supportive friendships. My problems and pain are very transient. And life isn’t always supposed to be fun and filled with pleasure, into every life a little rain must fall. Shit Happens
Some say that addiction only affects weak and pathetic people. And that there is no chance of recovery from any addiction. All I know is that I have many more good days than the bad days on which I hit the bottle.
recovery doesn’t work for those who need it
recovery works for those who want it
life is really simple, but I insist on making it complicated
the desert isn’t complicated
I live in a world where being busy and achieving things is expected, and there are other expectations, arguments, and contrary opinions about everything. My mind makes my life more painful than it really should be. Life is really simple but I make it complicated.
At this time of year I look around at those I used to know well, and feel a little compulsion to keep up with their lifestyles and successes. I feel that urge to fill my days with stuff to do and goals to achieve ~ creating new subordinates, colleagues, co workers, and money to fill the empty spaces in my life. But colleagues and co workers are never friends past lunch-time.
I have planned vacations and dreamed of women who would enjoy doing very little with me. But those women would be empty vessels and not real friends at all. I will not five up all I am for a couple of weeks of fun.
It turns out that this is a had luck life and I had better accept that and live a simple life. It’s not an easy choice. It will take a bit of strength to find straightforward solutions to my problems, and rid my life of self-made complications and toxic people. But it’s past time to de-clutter my life and my emotions. Simplicity is the smart choice for healthy people.
Keep it Simple Stupid is a good mantra for me. It’s a good life choice to rid myself of people that only make my life complicated. No matter what happens I should ask myself ‘do I really want this’ am I just adding more stress and complications to my life? Is what I am doing honest, open, clean, decent and with some real purpose? Actually, over the past week the answer to those questions is no.
I have not been 100% honest and straightforward, I’ve been as crooked as a snake about some things, lied about some things, and wanted some other things I shouldn’t want. Jealousy, envy, and covetousness are where I’ve been.
I know that I have a problem, and I should think twice before saying anything. Fuck I am not a saint, and that’s what I need to be to get over Borderline Personality Disorder.
Some say that yo just have to carry on giving. And that there is no end in sight. All I know is that everything will be all right.
I was there, and I was happier
never leave the house without making certain your seams are straight
all women have great legs
some like then apart
love is when everyone thinks you’re crazy, but you don’t care
True love, real love, love, admiration, infatuation, insane desire ~ what we call loves comes in a rainbow kaleidoscope of colours and carries along with it every emotion known to mankind and the Gods. And some of those emotions can be powerful and hurtful; lust, jealousy, paranoia, despair, desire, depression, anger….. Love isn’t always pink clouds and faerie princesses. Sometimes love is a dark forest filled with dragons and wicked witches.
But you don’t ever choose who to love ~ love chooses you, and love is as fickle and dangerous as anything that ever came out of Pandora’s Box. You might just see her smile, or the way she speaks, or the way she walks, and then you’re lost in love, ready and willing for her to turn your heart to burned ashes and your nights to dark introspective vigils of regret.
There are some circumstances that make long-term love almost impossible, for example; she is already married, she is married and is dating other guys as well as you, she lives half a world away from you, she’s a slut who will sleep with anyone and does, she has a very active on-line sex life, she is far too young or far too old for you, she has a serious problem like alcoholism or drug addiction, her dysfunctional family has first call on her time all the time, she sees you as a bank that’s always open, she works in the sex industry, she’s a thief, she is utterly incapable of feeling real love herself….. It’s not that I have ever had a relationship that’s had those issues ~ not all of them at the same time anyway.
If you’re in a relationship with a woman who has even a couple of those relationship problems, then perhaps you’re in love with the wrong woman. And, if you’re in love with the wrong woman, then maybe sometime or other you have to find a way to make it without her. Or it could be that she has all or most of those issues, but she is still the right woman for you, and you know that you will go on loving her ~ no matter what. In that case a man is setting off on a long dark hard road that maybe will never lead to a happy ending ~ just heartaches and eventual regrets. But for the sake of all the Gods, never ask that woman to marry you ~ she might just say ‘Yes’.
Some say that true love conquers all. And that if you really love her, then you should go on loving her, no matter what. All I know is that it’s over when you say goodbye.
a fabulous ass, great legs, and an erotic manicure doesn’t necessarily mean that she is the right woman for you
a ruined man fell from her hands like a ripe fruit
I used to know a woman like that. I’m glad I don’t any more.
Please listen responsibly.
I don’t love you, I’m just bored
both porn and the church distort man’s perspective on women
I like pornography, most especially on the boundaries of where art becomes porn.
All healthy men like porn. A man who says otherwise is most probably a liar or sick. From personal experience I know that women like pornography too. But there are limits. Just as in real life there are some things that an honourable man will not do, in pornography there are some places I will not go. Some people like pornography that would get them arrested in real life.
However, the whole thing about porn is that it lets people explore stuff outside of their everyday lives. I have a friend who likes dog porn I’m more than certain she would not have sex with a dog but she gets off on watching other women being mounted. Or maybe she is more than friends with her Labrador. The whole thing gets very blurred. Dog porn and animal porn also have their own communities and websites. k9dating.com
I also know that my very best friend watched porn with her partner when their relationship was jaded. I have no idea what kind of porn that was. It sort of doesn’t matter because then she went far beyond porn and fucked a lot of younger men, and he is very dead.
For porn comes in many flavours and colours. Some is hard, and touches the extremes of human behaviour. The porn I watch is very soft, and is called glamour porn. Mostly you would get far more erotic in a strip joint in Carson City.
Just because you are reading this I know you have used internet porn. Which is cool. If you continually wank off over porn that is not so cool.
When I was so sick with pneumonia I wanted to die I had internet porn playing on my TV all the time. I was too ill to react.
But, do I use porn now?
No. I don’t believe that watching porn is healthy. And I also believe it objectifies women.
I’d watch porn with you. But not on my own.
Some say that all women are sluts. And that a married woman is a whore trying to find a way to escape. All I know is that a good guy has some limits.
Danica Collins used to do soft porn
the most beautiful things in life cannot be seen or touched
Back in the day, when I was an insanely overpaid guy in international finance, I guess I had one friend. This was his favourite song.
Neither of us had ever known a Lisa, nor ever hoped to meet a woman by that name.
this was our imaginary Lisa
in her dreams were the spirits of all those she had wronged
there are ghosts in the mist
demons haunt the darkness
pale memories of loves lost
the pain of a broken heart
as the night drives us apart
friends once tenderly kissed
then dismissed as we parted
warm love became ice frost
stone demons haunt the mist
nightmares of a dark love incarnate
I understood myself only after I destroyed myself
Psychiatrists tell us that there are 10 different types of personality disorder, and that suffers do not necessarily cleanly fit into just one category. They also tell us that there is a remarkable overlap between those diagnosed with a personality disorder and those who also display one or more addictive behaviours.
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and around 80% of those diagnosed with BPD also have substance abuse disorders; the most common being alcoholism, followed by addiction to cocaine, opiates, prescription drugs, and marijuana. Suffers from BPD are also likely to have other addictions such as being dangerously promiscuous and / or have gambling issues. In my case I spent several years as a near-alcoholic.
Any addictive behaviour, particularly booze or drugs, by those suffering from a personality disorder just makes everything much, much worse. Lives become more difficult, they become totally unresponsive to treatment, they become violent, and will threaten, attempt, or actually commit suicide. Around 10% of those diagnosed with BPD commit suicide, which is 1,000 times more than in the general population.
Therefore, in order to recover from Borderline Personality Disorder, (or any other personality disorder), the first prerequisite is to cease and desist from any addictive behaviours. In my case this means just don’t drink, stay sober, never touch booze. This never, ever means that someone in recovery can have one or two drinks, or smoke the occasional joint, or go to Vegas once in a while. Stopping means just that, stopping completely, forever, just one day at a time.
Sadly, the success rate for those attempting to recover from alcoholism, substance abuse, or any other addiction, is very low. More than half of all those who want to stop drinking will relapse within 3 months, more than half will die from booze, the side-effects of booze, accidents, or suicide. (Some say that 100% of those who don’t stop drinking or using will die from their addiction, its side-effects, or suicide. From personal experience I agree with that.)
There are a few rules to follow to stop drinking, using, or other addiction;
- stop being friends with people who you used to drink with, use with, have sex with, gamble with
- stay away from bars and other places where you used to drink or use, or whatever
- never, ever take the first drink, joint, pill, or whatever your addiction of choice
- do not get lonely, angry, hungry, or tired
- change your routines completely
- live one day at a time
Some say that the survival instinct is overwhelmed by the addiction. And that once an addict always an addict. All I know is that if I drink I will suffer very bad things
recovery means staying out of bars
lies, damn lies, and the whispered words of love
This song’s lyrics holds some brutal truths
if you don’t love me now
you’ve never loved me at all