Alone and on the road again…..
I’ve just enjoyed the first decent night’s sleep I’ve had in about a month, and I’m in a hotel……
In my long and mostly disreputable life I have spent more nights than I care to remember in all kinds of hotels, in most of the major cities of the world, (and some towns that would have to work hard to qualify as a bomb-site). And in all that time I
never hardly ever slept well in an hotel.
One solution to ‘hotel insomnia’ is to get good and drunk….. But these days I am utterly sober.
So, what’s different this time?
I believe it’s that I’ve put my worries, resentments, and anger behind me….. And nobody can possibly sleep with a mind racing like an evil train crash.
I also believe that a few hours in the hotel pool taking the strenuous exercise of swimming lessons, and then going for long walks by the sea, also helps.
And, on a cautionary note, sharing your hotel bed with a woman you’ve just picked up at the hotel bar will not help you sleep either.
I have never in my life ‘picked up’ a woman in a hotel bar.
Hooker, or otherwise.
A wise woman should have money in her head, not in her heart.
Yesterday, or maybe it was the day before, I was at the dentist to have a tooth extracted. You get a local anaesthetic, which my not be quite as local as one thinks. Because after my trip to the dentist I wrote and said some things that were truthfully hurtful.
Under the effects of that local I realised that;
One cannot forget one’s past.
Everything you have done is always a part of you.
Women, most of all, want a guy who has a lot of money.
I am very cool with all of that, my friend in California is not. She hates that I know her for what she was and is.
But, there was a rope that tethered me to her, and without her my life would have been incomplete and unresolved. I know that I need to be honest and open with her, and calling her a slut isn’t such a positive thing to say, even if it’s true.
There is an opportunity for me. It maybe comes once in a lifetime.
I need to put the past behind me, especially where it comes to the woman who used to matter to me the most. She is yesterday.
The past is where it belongs, and I can now progress on the next stage of my life. I am done with the Californian girl.
Falling for a woman who used to think casual sex, younger men, and cocaine were cool may not have been the best thing I ever did.
Things may be frustrating right now, but I know that patience and perseverance will pay off in the end.
And I might have found a kitten to cuddle.
The pictures today are just because I like them.
Wherever I go, I always find that special person who is so wrong for me.
In the world’s largest financial centres, I spent most of my career making a hell of a lot of money by exploiting my knowledge of people and what makes them tick. In London, Paris, New York, and Chicago I learned to read people, and know what they really want, need, and desire. My skill was in matching the things I could do with what my clients thought they wanted. And, for a long while, I was the acknowledged world expert in my field of esoteric banking. But, really, my success was all due to the way I could use my interpersonal skills.
If I am so skilled at the art of interpersonal relationships, how come I can get it so wrong with women? Some of the time I am forceful, passionate, prideful, self-indulgent, sensual, lustful, and too warm towards women who possess grace, beauty, and charm. If I am very attracted to a woman I can be far too liberal with my affection, compassion, time, love, and money. I tend to do a little too much by way of extravagances, and luxuries. Maybe I send flowers too often. And, as you would expect, sometimes these women take everything I can give without the slightest show of gratitude, appreciation, or affection in return.
A fool and his money are soon parted, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart. ~ Thomas Tusser
Obviously I am not doing the right things, in the right way, at the right time, with the right person. There isn’t the right balance, or sense of equilibrium. And there’s the rub ~ we don’t choose who we fall in love with.
Something tells me that self-confidence, strength, and passion are a heady mixture which is not always under my control ~ I often let my emotions run away with me, and this can only lead to loneliness and heartache.
My past has been marred by decisions I made that have left me feeling disappointed and bitter. It’s important for me to remember that I am accountable for my decisions. What I need to do is reflect on those past choices in a frank and healthy way, without looking at the past through rose-coloured glasses, or sugar coating the choices I made in error. I have made many bad choices, which then turned out very differently from the way I had hoped.
At times this has caused me much pain, worry, wasted time, and wasted money. Perhaps I fool myself that I always tried to do my best, and that I always had good intentions at heart ~ but I don’t think so. I did my best with the cards Life dealt me, but somehow things always took unexpected turns.
There may have been doubts in my heart which I ignored. I was careless, and not always honest with myself. I have often acted impulsively, with utter disregard for the consequences. I have had the feeling of being utterly out of my depth, and I usually pressed on regardless.
Some say that we can only learn by our own mistakes. And, that we don’t fail by falling down, we fail by staying down. All I know is that I’ve made some bloody painful mistakes.
If there’s nothing much about sex in the paragraphs I’ve written above ~ that’s because usually there hasn’t been any.
Exactly the sort of woman I should have never been involved with. Great legs do not necessarily a nice person make.
Imagination and travel to places far away are my mistresses.
There are some place in this world that I would like to take a girlfriend. And most women would like the places I would take them.
I love sexually confident women.
Not always so far away from my place,
I like women who smoke
When I am true to myself, I am strong beyond measure.
the application of will
continues to tempt me still
uninhibited too dangerous thrill
urges wants desires needs emotional
uninhibited casual sexual relationships fill
my life with seductress midnight encounters
hazardous erotic carnal liaisons midnight hours
rash instant gratification sensual lustful animal urges
I know that I should have become a better man than that
the path to freedom from suffering
is through self-discipline in body, mind, and spirit
Sometimes Monochromatic is Much Sexier
Monochromatic casual sex
inexplicable interconnectedness in everyday magic.
Sometimes a vacation is more than just a holiday. Sometimes chance meetings have a deeper meaning than just ‘hello’.
This vacation happened by chance. Everyone I have met in the past few days I have met by chance. Every meaningful event from the past few days happened as a result of the chance interconnectedness of all things.
And yet, in the past few days, three events that I needed to happen have come to fruition.
I did not know that I needed these experiences, but now they have occurred I know they are vital to my emotional and spiritual health.
Firstly, learned that some men are irredeemable bastards, but that doesn’t stop otherwise sensible women liking them and wanting them.
Secondly I learned that friendships between men and women are often just transitory bargains.
Thirdly, I met a man I didn’t know I needed to meet. We talked of the warrior’s path and borderline personality disorder. We talked of addiction, drugs, booze, and sex. We talked of other things. We talked of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings.
All of those things happened by chance, because by chance I took this little vacation in Turkey.
Sometimes the Magic happens.
Sometimes unexpected Magic happens.
Taking a vacation with no expectations, other than reading a book by the pool, has lead me down a surreal rabbit-hole of fun.
This sleepy little seaside town of Oludeniz has a street that comes alive at night time, when it’s called The Strip.
Last night, our organised excursion was to visit some bars and clubs, so come ten o’clock, 18 of us hit The Strip.
Starting at Oh Yes cocktail bar, via Reef Bar, we all ended up in Bitter’s Cocktail Karaoke Bar.
Turns out I can’t sing, but I can dance. 😈
’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all ~ Alfred Lord Tennyson
There seems to be a problem with a relationship I’m having with a woman who is very important to me.
In the end it has come down to those two perennial issues; money and sex.
But, this relationship was always about just how much money I was prepared to spend ~ and just how little I was prepared to accept in return. Now it’s about a $25,000 car…..
You’d think a mature man such as I would have seen this from the start ~ truth be told I did, but perhaps I just wasn’t prepared to accept the painful reality it.
You Think A Man Would Know
Perhaps things will turn out well after all.
or maybe Marmaduke and I will hit the road again
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the lunatic prisoner was you. ~ Louis B. Smedes.
There has never been much forgiveness in my life, and mostly I have been very unforgiving of myself. I expect to cope, whatever happens, and be a high achiever. At times I can act like a lunatic.
This has led me into a very disruptive pattern in my life. A pattern which others can often recognise better than I can. These words of advice were sent to me a couple of days ago, by a very good friend. This is how she describes my life.
- High on Life …… very optimistic….. on top of the world.
- Sexual buzz is strong.
- I forget all the things that were said when I tried to confront past problems and issues
- Minor irritation sets in when I don’t feel appreciated. I become resentful and mistrustful.
- I start looking for the hidden dark meaning in things said, or not said. Become more distrustful, and often angry ~ often very angry with myself.
- Get totally pissed-off when feelings, emotions, and thoughts that have no basis in truth fill my mind. Start to apply twisted logic to situations and conversations.
- Voices in my mind tell me to escape, say ‘Fuck It All’, and then I will have a drink or 10.
- Go missing from the world for days at a time, during which something very bad will happen.
That’s been the pattern of my life for a very long time. I need to recognise it, and cut it off at the neck when the darker, depressive thoughts begin.
I agree with my friend that I need to try to live with inner peace, mindfulness, and serenity.
Escaping into booze is no solution.
Marmaduke lives very peacefully