a milf is your mom on her best worst day
itsy bitsy spider
cast her nets and ran away
and none of the boys cared
of the woman next door
all those who say they don’t they don’t use porn are liars
Hi I am Sara
sex chat with me
what about, about me
Hi Sandra, sex chat with me
do you have a pic of intimacy
hi I’m Danica sex chat please
I want to see your breasts
hi open yourself to me
I am your mom
sex chat me
was told about it once
not guilty, never been there
when women cheat, nice guys don’t get angry ~ sometimes they should
tho’ this time says
she’s only my friend
caring’s tearing me apart
reprise, deja vu, play it again
I still make those same mistakes
seems some women look for a fool
why I am willing to part with my heart?
exchanged for multiple partner carnal lust
broken promises of lust
she says that’s in her past
does that past matter to us?
I love you still
there is no in-between, it is either all or nothing
sometimes you just explode
Our personalities stem from deep within our subconscious and are everything about the way we feel, react, and act. A personality disorder is when parts of our personality cause problems in our lives. A personality disorder will adversely affect how you cope with life, deal with relationships, how you behave every second of every day, and how you feel. There is no cure.
The symptoms of a personality disorder may be treatable, but the underlying damage to your personality is not. Because there is no cure, any treatment has to be long-term and specific to the individual concerned. For example, some personality disorders respond well to medication, (Bi-Polar Disorder), while for others medication is both useless and probably dangerous, (Borderline Personality Disorder).
The men in white coats now believe that personality disorders are hard-wired into whoever is unfortunate enough to suffer one of the 10 different disorders, and they say that’s about one in twenty of the population. (Personally I believe that far more than 5% of people are living with a serious personality disorder.) The theory is that is you have a personality disorder you will never be able to shake off its symptoms. This is not true.
Personality Disorders are most likely incurable, but the symptoms can be managed.
- Crisis management. Self-harm and suicide is common among sufferers of a personality disorder. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and about 10% of all those who suffer from BPD kill themselves. At times you may be hospitalised for your own safety and because you are a danger to others.
- Medication. There are some drugs to help sufferers of depression, anxiety, mood-swings, and psychosis. Medication does not treat the underlying personality disorder, merely the symptoms. Mostly antipsychotic medication is no more effective than a placebo, and has horrible side-effects.
- Talking Therapy. Depending on where you live there may be a few talking treatments that just might help suffers of a personality disorder. These include art therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive analytic therapy, and dialectical behaviour therapy.
- Sheltered living. Some suffers of personality disorders have such difficulty in dealing with everyday life that spending a long period in a therapeutic community is the only way they are able to cope at all.
- Learning about your illness. The likelihood is that anyone suffering from a personality disorder spends a lot of time in the confusion of not knowing WTF is happening to them. If you learn, then you know, you may understand, and then you may be able to recover.
- Self-Directed therapy. The chances of me receiving any suitable treatment in my lifetime are just about zero. Therefore my only recourse is to use self-help. Luckily self-help treatment for personality disorders does work ~ if you do the hard work, every single
fuckingday of your life.
- Avoidance behaviours. Most sufferers of a personality disorder are / or have been into alcohol abuse, drug misuse, gambling, compulsive shopping, unsafe casual sex, never leaving home…..
Some say that if you have a personality disorder you may as well just curl up and die. And that extreme avoidance behaviour is the way to go. All I know is that if you do the hard work you can get over the sh*t and be happier.
never leaving home is one solution
it is NOT a viable long-term solution
there are some thoughts you can’t avoid,
and some feelings you can’t deny
When you have a personality disorder your mind will lie to you. Your subconscious mind will take a grain of truth and build it into a dark castle in the clouds with lightning all around. When that happens you will struggle to stay grounded. Your demons will create dismal feelings and negative thoughts that your conscious mind will need to react to and act upon. The anger, jealousy, paranoia, and resentments will overwhelm you. You will plan and scheme and in an instant come up with a way to hit back, to get even, to relieve the pain in your soul.
The saner part of you will know that it’s all twisted logic and internal doubletalk, but right there and then the saner part is no friend of yours. The very last thing you need when you are in that dark space is reasonable self-awareness and self-control, because you know that everybody lies to you and everyone betrays you. No one and nothing is to be trusted nor relied upon. The only things you can trust are the voices in your own mind. You will truly be all alone in Heartbreak Hotel.
The demons with their doubletalk are insidious, persistent, and pernicious ~ your demons are always there and they will never let up. Your demons will give you insane feelings and nightmares, driving you down to another rock bottom where the mental anguish will torture and torment you.
You may try to escape into booze, drugs, gambling, casual sex with strangers, isolating yourself, just disappearing, violence….. or you may attempt suicide, and you might just succeed. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and about 10% of all those with this mental malady commit suicide. Or , you may just threaten suicide. BPD is the only personality disorder where attempted suicide and threats of suicide are among the diagnostic criteria.
How then do you escape from your demons and their destructive doubletalk? Sad thing is you can’t. There is no cure for most personality disorders, (and the majority of other mental illnesses). There isn’t even any effective medication if you have Borderline Personality Disorder, and no responsible doctor would give drugs to anyone with BPD.
All you can do is try to recover from the worst effects of your mental malady. The demons will never go away completely, but you can stop listening to them. Act as if you know what love is. Act as if you have only good feelings. Act as if you are not being torn apart inside.
All I know is that if you keep doing what you did, you’ll keep on getting what you got.
the truth will always find you out
but lies are more powerful
the heart is a strange beast and not ruled by logic
if all you have is a lonely beach…..
Nobody is rational about emotions ~ that’s why they’re called emotions. And yet, I am handling my extreme and chaotic emotions quite rationally.
Feelings cannot be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem. ~ Anne Frank
Feelings cannot be ignored, and yet I am ignoring some incredibly powerful feelings that boil like black lava with in me.
I suffer from a very serious mental malady which creates wild, extreme, and powerful mood swings, and yet outwardly I am calm and grounded.
I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in-between. ~ Sylvia Path.
The Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), that torments me creates extreme and instant feelings; anger, bitterness, disconnectedness, fear, guilt, insecurity, jealousy, loneliness, lust, paranoia, rejection, resentment….. and a kaleidoscope of all of those and more. Yet, through putting in the hard work I do not now often react to these negative feelings, nor act upon my intricately-constructed negative thoughts.
Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber
In the very recent past I would oft give my negative feelings and darkest thoughts free rein, and that never ever made things better, reacting to negative feelings and acting upon my darkest thoughts always, always, made everything in my life much worse. About 10% of everyone who has suffered from BPD commits suicide, and a greater number die from the near-suicides of such things as alcoholism, drug addiction, and risky, impulsive behaviors like promiscuous casual sex with strangers and insane driving. Those with personality disorders also have a higher than average risk of ‘lifestyle illnesses’ such as cancers, pancreatitis, cirrhosis, strokes, and heart attacks.
For me, when the inner emotional pain got bad I would retreat into the self-destructive oblivion of alcohol ~ which is very akin to temporary suicide.
In my lowest moments, the only reason I didn’t commit suicide was that I knew I wouldn’t be able to drink any more if I was dead. ~ Eric Clapton
Three very simple stratagems have relieved me of the torture and torment I have suffered for as long as I can remember.
- Learning and understanding everything I could about my personal personality disorder.
- Delaying my reaction to negative feelings, and delaying taking any action following my darkest and most evil nightmare thoughts. If I delay long enough the darkness passes.
- Keeping busy and avoiding idleness, even if doing something was outside of my comfort-zones.
To recover from Borderline Personality Disorder I have had to embrace change.
We have to be honest about what we want and take risks rather than lie to ourselves and make excuses to stay in our comfort zone. ~ Roy T. Bennett.
Some say that the emotion that can break your heart is the one that heals it. And that there is nothing they can do but to follow their heart. All I know is that it’s a good thing that I’ve finally found a way to control myself.
eventually the night comes
and with the night come the nightmares
our souls are consumed by demons lurking in the darkest shadows
Most of us have inner demons; dark memories and disturbing elements of our psyche that come to disturb us when we least expect them. These inner demons may be awakened by the smallest trigger; a word, a phrase, people, places, things…. Some of us may have a dangerous streak which haunts us when the moon is high and the night is quiet and still. Some of us may even welcome these inner demons and the changes they make to how we think, what we say, how we feel, how we act and react to the world around us.
Some like that other people feel as though they are always walking on eggshells around them ~ and some even enjoy the control the darker side of their psyche can have over those closest to them. Those very disturbed people oft may practice psychological domination, emotional blackmail, emotional incest, gaslighting, stalking, mental abuse, or even physical abuse. These people are especially dangerous to those closest to them as they are usually Jekyll and Hyde characters ~ kind and charming one moment, then turning instantly into a monster.
There are some behaviours and character traits those with dark, deep, and destructive inner demons are very likely to display to an extreme; alcohol abuse, amnesia, anger, cruelty, drug abuse, gambling, generosity, impulsiveness, jealousy, judging, manipulative, mood swings, narcissism, neediness, perfectionism, promiscuity, porn addiction, sexual deviancy, splitting, and having a very high level of intelligence.
Trust me, I know. From time to time I have known all of those psychological traits. BPD can do that to you.
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness. ~ Aristotle
The tragedy of it is that; not only do those with deep inner demons themselves suffer, all of those around them suffer too. From time to time, everything I have listed above has been described as a disease or illness when in its extreme forms ~ the thing is, these things are also called family diseases.
Ergo, there are two sides to the pain and suffering caused by inner demons; they will harm you, and everyone around you. For the sufferer; they first have to recognise, accept, and admit that they are sick, then they have to truly want to get better, and then they have to be prepared to go to any lengths to get well. If you are close to someone who displays their inner demons, and hurts you because of them ~ well then maybe the very best thing you can do is just walk away. If the person who has been tormenting and torturing you is genuinely trying to get well, and has stopped hurting you and others, then just perhaps you could stick around and try to help them.
I know that I cannot defeat my inner demons by running from them, nor can I defeat the darkness in my soul by hiding it away. In order to defeat the werewolf within I must first bring it into the light.
inner demons shy away from the light of day
Love is a smoke made up with the fume of sighs. ~ Shakespeare
It takes a certain type of woman to accept a light when she’s only wearing black lingerie
and lots of makeup, and earrings, and probably tall heels
there’s a reason some women do that sometimes
I really didn’t think
she was always drinking
just usually very drunk
and high on skunk
and I shrank back
from ever thinking
about who she fucked
when she’d been drinking
strong drink gets weak women into trouble