a woman with a past is still someone’s future
the past was not always pleasant
sometimes it’s best forgotten
grant me the strength to make it through today
Depending on who you are and what you’ve done in life, then ‘higher power’ may be a significant concept for you ~ or not. In any event, I like this Coldplay track. But then, I used to think that I was a very cool guy, living a really great life.
As if any truly self-confident guy would ever say anything like that, much less believe in it.
Please listen thoughtfully.
Aphrodite, a reflection of my chosen higher power, a goddess of my understanding
a healthy relationship doesn’t drag you down
misery is never acceptable
Who here has never been dumped? I have, more than once, and it hurts. However, I firmly believe that what hurts worse than being rejected and dumped is being rejected by your spouse or partner while the relationship goes on between you. You are still mostly living together, but that’s the most you can say of it. You may even be having sex, but it’s lacking in intimacy and is nothing more than satisfying some animal lust. Bad sex is worse than no sex at all, and in a toxic relationship sex is all about power.
Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power. ~ Oscar Wilde
Some signs of being rejected inside a relationship are that you avoid being together, you hardly ever talk and when you do there is no real communication, communication descends into arguments, recriminations, and raised voices, you don’t trust your partner at all, one of you drinks far too much, and the chances are that you are being cheated on. Anyhow, if your partner is rejecting you then you already know. Being rejected can hurt for a while, being rejected inside a relationship makes you miserable forever, or until you find the courage to walk out.
If you don’t trust your partner / spouse, if you don’t let them anywhere near your money, if you go to counseling alone or to a 12 step group, if you are being mentally, psychologically or physically abused, if you feel like a doormat, if you are always walking on eggshells ~ then it’s time to have an escape plan. The thing is that, anyone who can subject someone they profess to care for to the misery of rejection is themselves a deeply damaged person. In psychology Anti-Social has some very specific meanings, it describes someone who has no conscience, no empathy, no sense of right and wrong, no guilt. Anti-Social people are promiscuous, often abuse alcohol and drugs, they cheat and steal, are narcissistic, and often they will break the law; things like petty theft or driving under the influence. Someone who will reject their partner or spouse is deeply Anti-Social.
And beware because simple rejection can escalate into Gaslighting, a form of extreme psychological abuse. If you suffer from anxiety, depression, question your own sanity ~ then you are being gaslighted. If that is you, and you sometimes fear for your own safety, or even your own life, then it’s not time to walk away, it’s time to run.
feeling like a prisoner is never acceptable
All I want is to live a normal life
the beach at Cancun
As we gradually come out of lockdown, some normal things I haven’t been able to do for months have become possible ~ like getting my hair cut, or even booking a vacation.
One of the good things about having been in self-isolation for over a year is that I haven’t spent much money, so now I am almost out of lockdown I can afford to take my friend to anywhere we would like to go.
Should be fun.
this might be the route to normality
the dog days of spring afflict us all from time to time
Last Weekend I had some really bad dog days, this track from Florence + The Machine reminds me how bad things can get.
This is a reprise, I hope you like it.
anxiety, clinical depression, alcohol
first, find the peace within yourself
Not that anyone would believe it, but The Lighthouse Family are an English band, from Newcastle upon Tyne. That’s not why I chose this song, it’s because I feel the need to be lifted from the slough of despond I’ve been suffering.
I believe that I’ve driven that road, just out of Death Valley, California.
Probably in a Mustang Convertible.
sometimes, only a Mustang convertible will do
I used to drink so much vodka that I had a Russian accent
Russian Slut Cocktail
26 ounce bottle of Smirnoff Black Label Vodka
One Gallon Jug
Pour the vodka into the jug over a couple of handfuls of ice, go into the yard, tear a handful of mint leaves and toss them in the jug, drive to the nearest place that has a soda fountain, fill the jug with whatever soda you like, go home, stir the jug, and drink with not more than a couple of casual friends, (of any sex). Enjoy. Repeat for as long as one of you can walk. What else you do while you’re drinking depends on how much of a Russian Slut you’ve become.
eventually, you may forget the mint
and the ice
first of all stop being a willing victim
if that’s you then perhaps you need to change
The first step in my total makeover plan New Age ~ New Me is giving up alcohol; or to say it a better way Living a Sober Life. If you misuse and abuse any substance; alcohol, drugs, prescription medication, over the counter medication, sugar, tobacco….. then your life revolves around that and it’s almost impossible to do anything else that matters a damn. And trust me, if you drink, smoke, or take drugs ~ then whatever you think or believe you are an addict. The same goes if you gamble, are promiscuous, steal, cheat, lie….. you are an addict and a victim of your own need for instant gratification.
If you ever want to be better, to become self-aware, self-controlled, self-disciplined, empowered, and truly happy, then first of all you have to give up your addictions. No that’s not true, first of all you truly have to admit to yourself that you have a problem. Only when you really believe that you need to give up hanging around in bars, or drinking a bottle of wine at home every night, or smoking a pack of cigarettes a day can you begin to become a better version of yourself.
And giving up isn’t easy. For years I was a binge-drinker ~ every time I got upset, unhappy, or dissatisfied I would retreat into a bottle of booze to make myself feel better. It never worked. And yet I haven’t touched a drop since Christmas last year.
Here’s how did I did that;
- I came to believe that booze was ruining my life.
- I made a decision to stop drinking alcohol.
- I stopped buying and drinking booze.
It was an instant decision followed by instant action; and I believe that it has to be that way. There has been no help, no 12 step group, no counselors, no complicated programs, no tricks, no searching the internet to find an easy way to be sober, no anything ~ just me and some self-discipline. It’s easy; decide to stop whatever destructive behaviour gives you instant gratification, and then stop.
Except we know that it isn’t easy at all ~ it’s fucking hard.
But what would I rather become? A drooling incontinent who lives just for the next drink? Or a self-aware Renaissance Man who lives a very full and rewarding life?
So, every hour of every day I stay away from that first drink.
the things you think you like the most
are the things that will ruin your life
and then kill you
you get nothing without hard work
hanging out in bars is self-destructive
It was my birthday a couple of days ago ~ another year older and deeper into lockdown. Given the premise that this is a new age for me I’ve decided to give myself a complete makeover. And I mean doing it all for myself because there’s nobody to do it for me ~ and anything someone else does for you never lasts. Any real and beneficial change I want to make has to come from within.
This makeover will be directed at significant improvements of my body, mind, emotions, and spirit. It’s also going to include looking better and having a much nicer, kinder, more effective, and more likable persona.
The truth is that I started this big self-improvement programme just after Christmas when I gave up alcohol. If you drink, smoke, take drugs, gamble, or suffer from any of the other life-destroying addictions, then the first step on any self-improvement / self-development / makeover is to quit your addiction(s). And trust me, if you do drink, smoke, take drugs, (including stuff like Xanax), or gamble ~ then you are addicted. (The list of life-destroying things people can become addicted to is long and inclusive.)
My plan for becoming the very best version of Jack Collier that I can possibly be is very simple;
- stay away from alcohol
- have a good daily exercise routine
- eat and drink healthily, (mine is a Paleo / Mediterranean diet)
- get enough good sleep, retire and rise at the same time every day
- cut out a lot of mindless, time-wasting stuff; TV, internet, social media
- look as good as I can all the time; bathed, shaved, hair, decent clean clothes
- study and learn interesting challenging stuff, from proper books by real writers
It should be easy, given some self-discipline and determination.
none of this crap
who could like that guy?
drinking alcohol is very bad for your brain
beer still gets you drunk, but it also makes you fat
For a lot of people alcohol becomes a crutch to allow them to handle the feelings, situations, and people they encounter in daily life. Lots of people I know use booze to become more outgoing, manage stress, combat depression, relax, and as an aid to sleep. However, alcohol isn’t a cure for shyness, stress, depression, anxiety, nor insomnia ~ except in the very short term, and if you only drink in moderation.
Taken in larger quantities, and over longer periods, alcohol does exactly the opposite of the things that you drank for in the first place. Add to that some worse effects of too much drink; recklessness, loss of morality and ethics, severe anxiety and depression, complete emotional immaturity, using other drugs, promiscuity, criminality ~ and one can see that drinking a lot for very long is a bad idea.
If you drink too much, for even one evening, the alcohol will affect your memory. Memory loss is a sure and certain effect of too much booze. You might not remember the night before at all, or only vaguely remember bits of it, and you might not believe it when your friends tell you what you did. Your brain will even invent false memories just to let you fill in the blanks.
Drinking to excess over long periods means the memory loss becomes permanent, along with nastier things like wet brain and dementia. Luckily most people die from alcohol related causes long before they lose their mind. Even better, if you stop drinking the memory loss and cognitive dysfunction will slowly reverse itself as the fog of booze clears and new brain cells grow to replace the ones killed off by alcohol.
I stopped drinking just after Christmas 2020. Now, instead of being a high-functioning binge-drinker I am becoming a Modern Renaissance Man with a near eidetic memory.
Which would I rather be; a drooling incontinent drunk, or a very cool guy, living a really great life to the fullest?
Alcohol has left the building.
people do things under the influence
that they would never do sober