people who drink a little too much can get into a lot of trouble
Long Island Iced Tea
I suffer from a serious and untreated emotional problem called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD). One of the nastier symptoms of this illness is substance abuse, which in my case involves drinking far too much booze from time to time.
This is not alcoholism, which is a different and separate disease in its own right, rather it’s attempting to escape emotional pain through numbing the mind with booze. Other sufferers of BPD take street drugs, or abuse prescription drugs in one way or another.
Both booze and drugs will kill you sooner or later, (most drugs much faster than booze), and no counselling treatment for BPD has any chance of working if you drink or take drugs. Ergo if you suffer from a serious personality disorder, and you want to recover, the first thing you must do is stop drinking, smoking tobacco, smoking pot, using cocaine, or harder drugs, or abusing prescription drugs.
Actually, it’s much more important than just having effective counselling for your personality disorder ~ another symptom of many personality disorders is threatening suicide, attempted suicide, or actual suicide, and adding booze and drugs into mix is just adding for trouble.
Yet another set of symptoms of personality disorders is very impulsive behaviour, and that’s something else you don’t want to mix with drink and drugs. A chap could get himself into very serious trouble mixing booze and drugs with impulsive bahaviours ~ and a woman even more so.
As it goes I am in pretty deep shit in all kinds of ways, so staying off alcohol is now essential for me.
Some say they’ve spent a hell of a lot of money on booze, drugs and fast women. And the rest they just wasted. All I know is that I cannot touch booze at all.
another strange american beer
with perseverance and endurance you can survive any storm
Nobody sane wants to suffer a doddering old age when you can’t remember anything or anyone. And certainly nobody wants to become an early victim of Alzheimer’s or Dementia.
Maybe most of us have had a parent or elderly relative who has suffered from memory loss, disorientation, poor judgement, mood swings, and a complete inability to live an independently normal life. To a certain extent maybe that can be expected and accepted when the sufferer in in their 80s or so, but why should it be? And why should anyone expect or accept the early onset of what should be a disease of the elderly such as Alzheimer’s Disease?
The fact is we can take steps to protect and, if necessary, repair our cognitive abilities. It’s not rocket science, look any website such as cognitive vitality and you will see that the things that we need to do to protect ourselves against things like dementia are exactly the same things we should be doing to live a healthy life. In order, and without even checking my information, these are;
- Stop smoking completely, (and vaping is even worse than smoking). Smoking will kill you in so many ways, but if you last long enough it will kill your brain.
- Don’t ever use drugs like pot, cocaine, heroin, (and don’t kid yourself that once in a while is OK). Don’t abuse prescription drugs, in fact as far as possible stop taking prescription drugs.
- Stop drinking, get sober, give up the booze, (and don’t even try to tell me that you can control your drinking). Drinking will also kill you in so many ways, but if you last long enough it will kill your brain.
- Eat for your brain. There is strong evidence that the right kind of diet will promote brain health. To begin with, stop eating canned food, processed food, and fast foods. Check out websites like Purple Almond Wellness.
- Get enough good quality sleep. Keep a regular bedtime 365 days a year, do not sleep in at weekends. Do not take sleeping medication, you should never need it.
- Take lots of fresh air, exercise, and sunshine. You know that you need to walk for your circulation to work properly? If you try the 10,000 steps a day thing you will sleep alright.
- Lose whatever causes you stress. You know that too much stress could kill you? It will certainly shorten your life expectancy and make you prone to nasty diseases such as cancer.
- Be active in mind and spirit. Keep learning, meet new people, get a hobby, do stuff. If you sit there drinking beer and watching sports TV your body weight is going to balloon and your IQ is going to plummet.
- Get really, really physically healthy. This is a big topic, so learn how to do it, start with a website like seven fitness tips for improved physical health. And don’t just sit there, get up and do things.
Some say that their lifestyle is fine. And that it’s OK to always drive the mile to the store and back. All I know is that the average American is killing themselves, and if they’re unlucky they’ll live long enough to kill their brain first.
being upset is no reason to;
drink, use drugs, smoke…
I understood myself only after I destroyed myself
Psychiatrists tell us that there are 10 different types of personality disorder, and that suffers do not necessarily cleanly fit into just one category. They also tell us that there is a remarkable overlap between those diagnosed with a personality disorder and those who also display one or more addictive behaviours.
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and around 80% of those diagnosed with BPD also have substance abuse disorders; the most common being alcoholism, followed by addiction to cocaine, opiates, prescription drugs, and marijuana. Suffers from BPD are also likely to have other addictions such as being dangerously promiscuous and / or have gambling issues. In my case I spent several years as a near-alcoholic.
Any addictive behaviour, particularly booze or drugs, by those suffering from a personality disorder just makes everything much, much worse. Lives become more difficult, they become totally unresponsive to treatment, they become violent, and will threaten, attempt, or actually commit suicide. Around 10% of those diagnosed with BPD commit suicide, which is 1,000 times more than in the general population.
Therefore, in order to recover from Borderline Personality Disorder, (or any other personality disorder), the first prerequisite is to cease and desist from any addictive behaviours. In my case this means just don’t drink, stay sober, never touch booze. This never, ever means that someone in recovery can have one or two drinks, or smoke the occasional joint, or go to Vegas once in a while. Stopping means just that, stopping completely, forever, just one day at a time.
Sadly, the success rate for those attempting to recover from alcoholism, substance abuse, or any other addiction, is very low. More than half of all those who want to stop drinking will relapse within 3 months, more than half will die from booze, the side-effects of booze, accidents, or suicide. (Some say that 100% of those who don’t stop drinking or using will die from their addiction, its side-effects, or suicide. From personal experience I agree with that.)
There are a few rules to follow to stop drinking, using, or other addiction;
- stop being friends with people who you used to drink with, use with, have sex with, gamble with
- stay away from bars and other places where you used to drink or use, or whatever
- never, ever take the first drink, joint, pill, or whatever your addiction of choice
- do not get lonely, angry, hungry, or tired
- change your routines completely
- live one day at a time
Some say that the survival instinct is overwhelmed by the addiction. And that once an addict always an addict. All I know is that if I drink I will suffer very bad things
recovery means staying out of bars
the jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves
Retroactive Jealousy is being jealous of your partner’s sexual past. Sufferers of this sickening disorder can be jealous of things their partner did long before you even met them ~ maybe jealous of things their partner did years ago. It’s completely insane. It’s a monster which will grow and grow if you feed it, and it will utterly destroy relationships. Jealousy of any kind is incredibly destructive, retroactive jealousy even more so.
Jealousy ~ that sickening combination of possessiveness, suspicion, rage, and humiliation ~ can overtake your mind and threaten your very core. ~ Helen Fisher.
Generally, sufferers of retroactive jealousy also suffer from some serious underlying mental health problem such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Bipolar Disorder. Mostly it’s men who suffer from this insane kind of dysfunctional jealousy.
Now it may be that their are things in your partner’s sexual past that you just can’t live with ~ in which case you should just walk away. However, if you believe that you want to keep seeing your partner, there are some basic tools you can use to cope with your problem;
- Acknowledge that this is your problem, and not your partner’s. You need to deal with it on your own.
- Stop obsessively talking with your partner about their past. Do not stalk them by looking at their social media.
- Get clear about your own morals, ethics, and values. What are you fearful of, and what don’t you understand?
- Realise that it’s a new world out there, and some of the things which may have been totally unacceptable twenty years ago are commonplace now.
- Accept that nobody is perfect, and don’t be a hypocrite.
- Don’t be utterly judgemental and avoid black and white thinking.
- Realise that you are never, ever, going to be totally happy about your girlfriend’s past, but get yourself into a place where you can live with it.
- Do not compare yourself with your partner’s past lovers.
- Don’t go out and get drunk in the mistaken belief that will make you feel better.
The surest route to breeding jealousy is to compare. Since jealousy comes from feeling less than another, comparisons only fan the fires. ~ Dorothy Corkille Briggs
Some say that being jealous of your partner’s sexual past is just being hypocritical. And that if you love someone you should be accepting and understanding of their sexual past. All I know is that jealousy is a deceptive, tricky, and pernicious emotion ~ it’s all an ego game.
don’t throw away a good relationship
over things that happened in the past
borderline personality disorder is a serious mental illness
I have been acting like a jerk in recent days, but it isn’t really my fault. I suffer from an untreated mental illness that has given me false memories and paranoia. Borderline Personality Disorder really needs intensive and specialised therapy, which I am never likely to receive because of the cost.
So I am suffering, and so is everyone I care for.
The thing is, I’ve upset the few friends I have, and I don’t know if I can get it back again, make amends, or be forgiven.
I can only hope.
I guess that time will tell.
there is no in-between, it is either all or nothing
sometimes you just explode
Our personalities stem from deep within our subconscious and are everything about the way we feel, react, and act. A personality disorder is when parts of our personality cause problems in our lives. A personality disorder will adversely affect how you cope with life, deal with relationships, how you behave every second of every day, and how you feel. There is no cure.
The symptoms of a personality disorder may be treatable, but the underlying damage to your personality is not. Because there is no cure, any treatment has to be long-term and specific to the individual concerned. For example, some personality disorders respond well to medication, (Bi-Polar Disorder), while for others medication is both useless and probably dangerous, (Borderline Personality Disorder).
The men in white coats now believe that personality disorders are hard-wired into whoever is unfortunate enough to suffer one of the 10 different disorders, and they say that’s about one in twenty of the population. (Personally I believe that far more than 5% of people are living with a serious personality disorder.) The theory is that is you have a personality disorder you will never be able to shake off its symptoms. This is not true.
Personality Disorders are most likely incurable, but the symptoms can be managed.
- Crisis management. Self-harm and suicide is common among sufferers of a personality disorder. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and about 10% of all those who suffer from BPD kill themselves. At times you may be hospitalised for your own safety and because you are a danger to others.
- Medication. There are some drugs to help sufferers of depression, anxiety, mood-swings, and psychosis. Medication does not treat the underlying personality disorder, merely the symptoms. Mostly antipsychotic medication is no more effective than a placebo, and has horrible side-effects.
- Talking Therapy. Depending on where you live there may be a few talking treatments that just might help suffers of a personality disorder. These include art therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive analytic therapy, and dialectical behaviour therapy.
- Sheltered living. Some suffers of personality disorders have such difficulty in dealing with everyday life that spending a long period in a therapeutic community is the only way they are able to cope at all.
- Learning about your illness. The likelihood is that anyone suffering from a personality disorder spends a lot of time in the confusion of not knowing WTF is happening to them. If you learn, then you know, you may understand, and then you may be able to recover.
- Self-Directed therapy. The chances of me receiving any suitable treatment in my lifetime are just about zero. Therefore my only recourse is to use self-help. Luckily self-help treatment for personality disorders does work ~ if you do the hard work, every single
fuckingday of your life.
- Avoidance behaviours. Most sufferers of a personality disorder are / or have been into alcohol abuse, drug misuse, gambling, compulsive shopping, unsafe casual sex, never leaving home…..
Some say that if you have a personality disorder you may as well just curl up and die. And that extreme avoidance behaviour is the way to go. All I know is that if you do the hard work you can get over the sh*t and be happier.
never leaving home is one solution
it is NOT a viable long-term solution
there are some thoughts you can’t avoid,
and some feelings you can’t deny
When you have a personality disorder your mind will lie to you. Your subconscious mind will take a grain of truth and build it into a dark castle in the clouds with lightning all around. When that happens you will struggle to stay grounded. Your demons will create dismal feelings and negative thoughts that your conscious mind will need to react to and act upon. The anger, jealousy, paranoia, and resentments will overwhelm you. You will plan and scheme and in an instant come up with a way to hit back, to get even, to relieve the pain in your soul.
The saner part of you will know that it’s all twisted logic and internal doubletalk, but right there and then the saner part is no friend of yours. The very last thing you need when you are in that dark space is reasonable self-awareness and self-control, because you know that everybody lies to you and everyone betrays you. No one and nothing is to be trusted nor relied upon. The only things you can trust are the voices in your own mind. You will truly be all alone in Heartbreak Hotel.
The demons with their doubletalk are insidious, persistent, and pernicious ~ your demons are always there and they will never let up. Your demons will give you insane feelings and nightmares, driving you down to another rock bottom where the mental anguish will torture and torment you.
You may try to escape into booze, drugs, gambling, casual sex with strangers, isolating yourself, just disappearing, violence….. or you may attempt suicide, and you might just succeed. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and about 10% of all those with this mental malady commit suicide. Or , you may just threaten suicide. BPD is the only personality disorder where attempted suicide and threats of suicide are among the diagnostic criteria.
How then do you escape from your demons and their destructive doubletalk? Sad thing is you can’t. There is no cure for most personality disorders, (and the majority of other mental illnesses). There isn’t even any effective medication if you have Borderline Personality Disorder, and no responsible doctor would give drugs to anyone with BPD.
All you can do is try to recover from the worst effects of your mental malady. The demons will never go away completely, but you can stop listening to them. Act as if you know what love is. Act as if you have only good feelings. Act as if you are not being torn apart inside.
All I know is that if you keep doing what you did, you’ll keep on getting what you got.
the truth will always find you out
but lies are more powerful
the heart is a strange beast and not ruled by logic
if all you have is a lonely beach…..
Nobody is rational about emotions ~ that’s why they’re called emotions. And yet, I am handling my extreme and chaotic emotions quite rationally.
Feelings cannot be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem. ~ Anne Frank
Feelings cannot be ignored, and yet I am ignoring some incredibly powerful feelings that boil like black lava with in me.
I suffer from a very serious mental malady which creates wild, extreme, and powerful mood swings, and yet outwardly I am calm and grounded.
I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in-between. ~ Sylvia Path.
The Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), that torments me creates extreme and instant feelings; anger, bitterness, disconnectedness, fear, guilt, insecurity, jealousy, loneliness, lust, paranoia, rejection, resentment….. and a kaleidoscope of all of those and more. Yet, through putting in the hard work I do not now often react to these negative feelings, nor act upon my intricately-constructed negative thoughts.
Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber
In the very recent past I would oft give my negative feelings and darkest thoughts free rein, and that never ever made things better, reacting to negative feelings and acting upon my darkest thoughts always, always, made everything in my life much worse. About 10% of everyone who has suffered from BPD commits suicide, and a greater number die from the near-suicides of such things as alcoholism, drug addiction, and risky, impulsive behaviors like promiscuous casual sex with strangers and insane driving. Those with personality disorders also have a higher than average risk of ‘lifestyle illnesses’ such as cancers, pancreatitis, cirrhosis, strokes, and heart attacks.
For me, when the inner emotional pain got bad I would retreat into the self-destructive oblivion of alcohol ~ which is very akin to temporary suicide.
In my lowest moments, the only reason I didn’t commit suicide was that I knew I wouldn’t be able to drink any more if I was dead. ~ Eric Clapton
Three very simple stratagems have relieved me of the torture and torment I have suffered for as long as I can remember.
- Learning and understanding everything I could about my personal personality disorder.
- Delaying my reaction to negative feelings, and delaying taking any action following my darkest and most evil nightmare thoughts. If I delay long enough the darkness passes.
- Keeping busy and avoiding idleness, even if doing something was outside of my comfort-zones.
To recover from Borderline Personality Disorder I have had to embrace change.
We have to be honest about what we want and take risks rather than lie to ourselves and make excuses to stay in our comfort zone. ~ Roy T. Bennett.
Some say that the emotion that can break your heart is the one that heals it. And that there is nothing they can do but to follow their heart. All I know is that it’s a good thing that I’ve finally found a way to control myself.
eventually the night comes
and with the night come the nightmares
our souls are consumed by demons lurking in the darkest shadows
Most of us have inner demons; dark memories and disturbing elements of our psyche that come to disturb us when we least expect them. These inner demons may be awakened by the smallest trigger; a word, a phrase, people, places, things…. Some of us may have a dangerous streak which haunts us when the moon is high and the night is quiet and still. Some of us may even welcome these inner demons and the changes they make to how we think, what we say, how we feel, how we act and react to the world around us.
Some like that other people feel as though they are always walking on eggshells around them ~ and some even enjoy the control the darker side of their psyche can have over those closest to them. Those very disturbed people oft may practice psychological domination, emotional blackmail, emotional incest, gaslighting, stalking, mental abuse, or even physical abuse. These people are especially dangerous to those closest to them as they are usually Jekyll and Hyde characters ~ kind and charming one moment, then turning instantly into a monster.
There are some behaviours and character traits those with dark, deep, and destructive inner demons are very likely to display to an extreme; alcohol abuse, amnesia, anger, cruelty, drug abuse, gambling, generosity, impulsiveness, jealousy, judging, manipulative, mood swings, narcissism, neediness, perfectionism, promiscuity, porn addiction, sexual deviancy, splitting, and having a very high level of intelligence.
Trust me, I know. From time to time I have known all of those psychological traits. BPD can do that to you.
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness. ~ Aristotle
The tragedy of it is that; not only do those with deep inner demons themselves suffer, all of those around them suffer too. From time to time, everything I have listed above has been described as a disease or illness when in its extreme forms ~ the thing is, these things are also called family diseases.
Ergo, there are two sides to the pain and suffering caused by inner demons; they will harm you, and everyone around you. For the sufferer; they first have to recognise, accept, and admit that they are sick, then they have to truly want to get better, and then they have to be prepared to go to any lengths to get well. If you are close to someone who displays their inner demons, and hurts you because of them ~ well then maybe the very best thing you can do is just walk away. If the person who has been tormenting and torturing you is genuinely trying to get well, and has stopped hurting you and others, then just perhaps you could stick around and try to help them.
I know that I cannot defeat my inner demons by running from them, nor can I defeat the darkness in my soul by hiding it away. In order to defeat the werewolf within I must first bring it into the light.
inner demons shy away from the light of day
Love is a smoke made up with the fume of sighs. ~ Shakespeare
It takes a certain type of woman to accept a light when she’s only wearing black lingerie
and lots of makeup, and earrings, and probably tall heels