You can close your eyes to reality, but not to your memories.
In a very full life I have known some people with very bad memories, they just can’t or won’t remember anything much. I’ve been told by a close friend that it’s possible to completely forget years and years of your early childhood. And, I’ve known people with false memories, manufactured memories, and memories that were implanted into their subconscious mind. Thoughts and memories are just chemical changes and electrical impulses and charges inside your brain ~ memories are easily altered.
A memory of the past which is either non-existent, false, manufactured, or implanted is often the result of alcohol abuse, the abuse of prescription drugs, or using any street drugs at all, especially marijuana. Booze and drugs tend to destroy the memory vitamins B1 and B12, and the negative effects on memory can go on for years after the heavy drinking or drug taking has stopped. Booze, in particular, robs the body of B vitamins. Lack of B1 and B12 has other very bad effects; slowness, confusion, fatigue, irritability, apathy, poor sleep, insomnia, and shortness of breath.
But then, all memories are untrue, because we see the past through the prism of the present ~ all of our present-day character defects and positive character traits change how we remember the past.
Our experiences of pleasure, ecstasy, pain, suffering, and loss extend far beyond our personal recollections. When we tell others of our memories, then they will react, remember, and retell our memories back to us. And when we tell others of our past we cannot ever tell the whole truth.
Sometimes we are afraid to admit our past, and sometimes we are ashamed to tell the whole truth. Also, we can never fully remember the truth of our past. Our incomplete and inaccurate memories of the past go on to tint our picture of the present, and our expectations of the future. Sometimes what we think we remember is an event that’s actually happening right now, or we expect to happen in the future, or will happen in the future. A memory of the past may be nothing of the sort ~ especially if you use alcohol or drugs. Smoking doesn’t help much with remembering things either.
Some say they can’t remember names, or faces. And, that they’re always forgetting where they left their car keys. All I know is that I’m cursed with an eidetic memory.
drinking and smoking are no good for your memory and brain health
When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
We are all prisoners of the past ~ our own past and the past lives of those we care for. We are all trapped in the dismal dungeons of our deep and dark subconscious minds. We all have within us everything that has happened to us, everything we have seen and been told, and worst of all, every degenerate desire we have ever imagined.
Almost all of the time I am a really good guy ~ understanding, supportive, loyal, honest, and honourable. When I am that good guy I don’t need instant gratification, I don’t need perverse pleasures, I don’t feel psychological and spiritual pain. But, sometimes, when I get tired, the negative defects of my character fight their way out of my subconsciousness and I become an angry, bitter, jealous, resentful, untrustworthy fool. The bad memories, the imagined wrongs, the terrible insecurities and fears from the past come flooding into the present.
When I get tired, late in the evening, one of two things can happen to my personality ~ or rather a couple of my character defects are likely to come to the surface. Often, I can become a jealous, resentful, insecure, angry, bitter fool. Alternatively, I may become demonstrably, falsely, overly understanding, adoring, amorous, passionate, sexual, and selfishly lustful. When I get tired my subconscious mind may sometimes drift to one extreme or another, and both are the darker sides of me. These are not the darkest, most devious, and most manipulative aspects of my psyche ~ if I should ever get drunk I can become that epitome of evil, Mr. Hyde.
Sometimes, when I see my reflection, I wish it wasn’t me and I want to turn away. That’s a very negative emotion, because I also know I would do almost anything to change that dark shadow in the mirror into the really good guy I know that I am, can be, should be.
Sometimes it is difficult, and sometimes I suffer, and sometimes the warrior’s path is harder and longer than I could ever have imagined. Yet, this is that path I have decided to walk, the warrior’s path to becoming the very best Man I can possibly be.
Some say that we are all trapped in our own minds. And, that nobody can ever truly express the way they feel deep inside themselves. All I know is that being locked inside a dungeon gives me a chance to rest, reflect, and regather my strength.
In the dungeons of my mind
the evil darkness gathers
yet I am not afraid
The problem with the world is that everybody is a few drinks behind. ~ Humphrey Bogart
People drink diet cola in the mistaken belief that it’s healthier than the ‘real deal’ loaded with sugar. Some people even have diet mixers with their whisky, gin, vodka, or tequila. As a matter of fact, the diet cola is probably doing them just as much harm as is the booze.
The main sweetener used in diet drinks is aspartame, and it and other nonnutritive sweeteners will have some very harmful effects on your body. In the USA aspartame is also marketed under the name of Nutrasweet.
It turns out, that rather than helping you lose weight, these artificial sweeteners will increase your appetite, make you eat more, and thus gain weight.
Artificial sweeteners can also give you cancer, dementia, diabetes heart disease, or a stroke. Artificial sweeteners also disrupt the important balance and diversity of healthy bacteria in your gut. Drink lots of cola with artificial sweeteners and not only will you go crazy, you will also suffer from obesity.
So why is diet coke promoted so much? Profit. Aspartame is much, much cheaper than real sugar.
Some say that aspartame easily converts to formaldehyde in the body. And that Hitler used aspartame as a poison. All I know is that I prefer women who spill their booze.
at least it’s not wasted
I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. ~ Mark Twain
Lust, Greed, and Addiction. These are deadly sins ~ deadly because lust, greed, and addiction can all drag you down to a rock-bottom more horrible than your worst nightmare, humiliate you, make you ill, and then kill you. Lust can give you all kinds of STD, take you to dangerous places, where you could meet some very nasty people. Greed can make you take risky decisions with money, accept all kinds of bad financial advice, and ultimately take every penny and asset you have, including your home. And addiction is more terribly dreadful than you could possibly imagine. If you are a woman, and addicted to anything, you will most likely do some sordid things just to feed your addiction.
It can all begin innocently enough, a date with a co-worker, regularly sitting at the bar in your favourite pub, losing a couple of hundred dollars in Las Vegas. But it may only be a matter of time before you’re the bum on the streets, or the easy slut sitting at the bar in your favourite pub, who’s just looking for a younger guy to fuck her like an animal.
The sad thing is, that once you’re on the train to destruction, there’s usually no getting off until the last stop. Almost everyone I’ve ever known who has taken that ride is now dead, often horribly so, well before their time should have been up. The list of illnesses and causes of death that lust, greed, and addiction will give you is long and horrific; insanity, renal failure, wet brain, suicide, pneumonia, cirrhosis, cardiovascular failure, cancers, accidents, gastrointestinal disorders, blood disorders, pancreatitis, malnutrition, AIDS, random violence, domestic violence, brutal rape, beriberi…..
What can you do if you have lots of casual sex, constantly think about ways of making money, gamble, drink too much and / or take drugs? Well, you can’t stop on your own. So get help before you are utterly rejected by everyone who cares for you. Try Alcoholic Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous….. It’s pointless going to your doctor, the average doctor is as much use helping with these problems as is a cement life jacket.
Some say that they drink, take drugs, gamble, make rash decisions, and have casual sex because of too much stress, worry, and fear. And that they could clean up their act anytime they like. All I know is that almost everyone is stressed, worried, and a little afraid, but they don’t all die an early, disgusting death.
just an easy slut, drinking alone, only one friend in the world, a barman
you never change your life until you step outside of your comfort zone
We all of us have safe routines and habits that almost never change. Most small teddy bears are afraid of the sea. Most people are a little afraid of the new, the strange, and the different.
Every day we go to work, we dress in the same clothes in the same style, we eat the same food. Our circle of friends pretty much never changes. We visit our parents at the weekend, and we spend the rest of each weekend doing almost the same things we did last weekend. We have our favourite seat at the bar in our usual pub, and our favourite type of booze to drink at home.
That picture is intensified if we have a partner, because not only do we live within our own comfort zone, we also feel that we have to live within theirs. Actually, some people do have to live well within their partner’s comfort zone, because to do otherwise would invite dire consequences.
Mostly we do not invite new and different experiences into our lives. Often we judge others harshly for sometimes doing things differently, and for stepping outside what we think is their role in our lives. Often we resent that people we know, our family and friends, for seeking to expand their own horizons, find new opportunities, seek out new experiences, and try to find new friends and lovers.
It’s sort of OK for you to resent it if people you know are trying to find something new in their lives ~ something that doesn’t necessarily involve you. All of us suffer from a fear of abandonment to one extent or another, and resenting someone close to you if they try to find new horizons is merely an unconscious expression of that fear of abandonment. But get over it. Just because your friend is looking for new friends doesn’t mean they are going to leave you behind ~ unless you’ve really pissed them off. Who knows? Your friend’s new friends may become your friends too.
You know what? It’s all about you. Welcome new experiences, visit new places, make new friends, try dressing differently, do something crazy once in a while.
Some say that it’s better to build walls around themselves than to risk getting hurt again. And, that the tried and trusted is safer than looking for something different. All I know is that this month I will do at least one new, different, and crazy thing.
getting in the sea with her would be truly outside of my comfort zone.
You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, ashamed, angry, nor condemned.
If I sit alone and brood, then all the negative, dark, and ugly thoughts come back to me.
If I drink to escape and hide from my painfully dark and negative feelings, then things get far, far worse.
For me, The Past is a very dangerous place. Before I ever go there again I should take notice of the signs that say things like ‘Here Be Dragons’.
At times my thoughts can suddenly wander into dark places leading me to have unpleasant and negative feelings.
In own unacknowledged and unaccepted pain I am quite capable of hurting the ones I care for the most.
Deep within me I am still a prisoner of the negative ethics, judgementalism, and fears I learned when I was a child.
Right now, I do not know how to deal with any of this.
My only plan is to keep working on recovering from severe alcoholic poisoning, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. And, the only recovery I’m going to work on today is physical ~ not thinking or feeling at all seems like a good plan.
That and staying away from any thoughts and feelings at all.
there may be a new dawn ahead
it’s just that, right now
I can’t see it
Your memory is a monster it summons with a will of its own. You think you have a memory, but it has you. ~ John Irving
My strongest belief was that I was doing well, that I was making an escape from the dark demons that were haunting me.
I told myself that I was a cool guy, living a great life. Cool is not a good adjective to apply to myself. It excuses all kinds of previous negative actions, and on-going manipulation of others.
In doing my best to recover from Borderline Personality Disorder I was just making things much worse.
The Holidays and all through January have been very bad, and as you would expect, I had a complete alcohol-fueled breakdown last week. Since Sunday my body, mind, and spirit have just concentrated on my staying alive.
I will try to make amends to all those people I have hurt. Maybe I’ll die trying.
Alone in the darkness is a very bad place
a friend in need is a friend indeed
Today I am unwell in body, mind, and spirit.
I cannot eat, and I can only drink an electrolyte powder in water.
Getting up out of my chair and doing things is difficult ~ I am so unsteady.
Writing this is more than ordinarily difficult ~ English is making no sense at all.
Also I keep getting everyone’s name wrong. that’s very bad of me.
My sincere apologies to everyone I’ve ever hurt, and everyone I’ve lied to.
I’m glad that I still have some caring friends I can trust.
and good memories to look back upon
Act as if you’re a really very guy, living a great life.
Over the last week I’ve eaten nothing, had no sleep at all, and drank far too much booze. Neither have I been out of the garret for any fresh air and exercise.
I haven’t written anything either, except for a couple of short emails, and I messed those too.
Today I’m starting to put my life back together again.
We are each our own devil, and we make the world our hell.
You decide what to eat, how much alcohol you’re going to drink, how much rest and sleep you are going to get, whether you’re going to smoke cigarettes, how much fresh air and exercise you’re going to have, whether or not you’re going to take drugs (illegal drugs, prescription drugs, and over the counter medication), and how much stress you’re going to put yourself under before you stop and maybe meditate for a while.
And, more likely than not, you know what you should be doing for a healthier and longer life, as opposed to what you are actually doing with your life every day. The chances are that every day you’re putting your body, mind, and spirit under extreme stress by doing exactly the wrong things on purpose.
Our bodies are designed to self-heal, but if we keep putting our body, mind, and spirit under stress, then we are going to degenerate, get sick, get old, look old, become unfit and overweight, and die painfully long before we should.
Yet I know that everyone reading this wants to be fit, healthy, and happy ~ so why do so many people subject themselves to so much
fucking crap, every single day?
- Be your own best carer. Too many of us spend too much time taking care of other people, when what they should be doing is practicing self-care and putting themselves first. If you make yourself ill, unfit, mentally sick, stressed-out, then you’re not going to be of much use to anyone else.
- Get back to nature. Get outdoors, get some fresh air and sunshine, breathe deeply of clean air, drink at least 3 pints of fresh clean water a day, enjoy the far horizons. If you spend a lot of time indoors, using a computer, drinking coffee, then the tiny electrical signals that actually operate your mind and body get screwed, so you’re tired and can’t think properly by the end of the day.
- Get plenty of sleep. Most people need 7 to 9 hours of good quality deep REM sleep. Don’t fall asleep in a chair in front of the TV. Make your bedroom a blackout zone. Go to bed the day before you get up. Don’t drink too much booze right before bedtime.
- Eat the right amount of good quality, healthy, organic food. Avoid processed foods. Drink those 3 pints of good clean water every day. Eat a high water content diet.
- Stop sabotaging yourself. Commit to self-care and practice it every single day. If you are addicted to anything: cigarettes, booze, drugs, gambling, binge eating, self-harm, anger, stress then find a cure. Be prepared to do whatever it takes to recover from your addiction.
Some say that they hate themselves. And, some people act as though they really do hate themselves. All I know is that these days I am a very cool guy, living a really great life.
recently I stayed at the best B & B in all America