we realise we are all alone when we need others the most

Gary Cooper in High Noon

Discharged from hospital and back at the garret much earlier than I expected.  At first it was very quiet and very strange in here, after the organised hustle and bustle at the hospital.  It was also cold, the heating was off, maybe I turned it off before I left.  The thing is, if you live alone you are completely responsible for what happens in your place.

The first time you try living alone can be both strange and exhilarating.  In theory you can do whatever you want whenever you want.  You can stay up late watching TV, or you might work through the night on your latest creative project with no threat of interruption.  You can decorate your place however you like.  If you want to be sexually promiscuous you can bring whomsoever you want back to your place, and if you want to smoke pot and drink all night you can do that too.  You don’t have to clean the place except when it suits you, and if you want to you can stay in bed all weekend.

The astute among you may have noticed a worrying trend in what I’ve just said.  If you live alone it’s very easy to lose control and start living the life of a lazy hedonist, and many who live alone adopt that lifestyle for the whole of the rest of their short, sad, dangerous, reprehensible lives.  There is another issue with living alone, you will have a higher probability of developing a mental illness than those who live with someone else, as long as the someone else is congenial.

For most of the time I have lived alone I have stayed sane and safe, displaying self-control and a sense of self-worth, but…..  every now and again I lost that control and became something of a hedonist alcoholic fool.  The thing is, I have enough money to afford to be a hedonist alcoholic from time to time without worrying about my finances ~ and that’s a dangerous place to be.

Things will be different now, I have put some secure checks and balances in place, I’m in the process of building myself a much stronger support network, and most importantly I don’t really want to suffer that much pain, or be at Death’s door again.  It’s all very well being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, but it’s going to be much better if the things I do are worthwhile and benefit myself and others.  Most of all, I need to look after myself; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I don’t want to find myself back in hospital, not knowing how I got there.

Some say they like to be alone, but hate to be lonely.  And that it’s OK to live a life others don’t understand.  All I know is that if you live alone you have nobody else to blame when things go wrong.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

for some, living alone is very like being in solitary confinement.