Category Archives: Manage Yourself

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished~  Lao Tzu

the evening always happens in its own good time

What if all behaviour has a probability of both success and failure?  How would we increase the chances of our being successful, and decrease the probability of our failing?  Well the first thing we have to do is stop seeing everything in terms of Yes / No, Black / White, Angels / Demons, and instead begin to accept that the world and the people we meet exist in shades of grey.  Instead of our totally failing at something, we need to accept the premise that it is possible to be moderately successful.

This goes against everything I believe and live by.  I have a personality disorder, and one of the traits of this illness is called Splitting ~ seeing everything in black and white, being completely successful, or a total failure ~ with nothing in between.  Everything in me says there should be no shades of grey.

Real life is not like that.  You may have a pretty good marriage without it being perfect.  Or, you might have a decent job without it being your ideal career.  And, you might be reasonably healthy without looking like a Greek God with a hell of an adonis belt.  To be more successful we need to accept that life is what it is, and then work fucking very hard to get more of what we like, want, need, and desire, and less of the things that annoy us, make us angry, depress us, and make us feel like crap.

One way to do the hard work to achieve greater success is to get away from our black and white thinking need to make immediate changes, our need for instant gratification, our need to make things happen Now!  Instead we should learn to use patience and time in our favour.

I do things fast.  I think fast, I read fast, I solve problems quickly, I jump to conclusions, I am impulsive, I have vicious mood swings, and they happen Fast!  This is all part of the borderline personality disorder I suffer from, and I know I need to control this.  The wiser man takes his time to think before he acts.

A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else.  ~  George Savile

Charging off at the far horizon is all very well ~ it’s exhilarating and exciting.  But what if it’s the wrong horizon, what if you’re going in the wrong direction?  The wiser man takes time to prepare, to make certain he is ready, to ensure that he’s going in the right direction.

Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.  ~  Abraham Lincoln

When there is time, the wise man uses that time to his best advantage.  Only when there is something truly urgent and immediate does a wise man act fast.  And, in an emergency all the good stuff he has done in the past, because he was patient enough to always do the very best he could, all that good stuff will come to his aid and strengthen his arm to help him to do the right thing, even when he has to do it fast.

In the long run we shall do more by sometimes doing less.  ~  Charles Spurgeon

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

you just know who is going to win this one

 

Building Self-Confidence

If you believe in yourself and feel confident in yourself, you can do just about anything.

acting utterly self-confident

Self-confidence is all about being comfortable and happy with who you are ~ trusting in one’s own abilities, qualities, and judgement.  It’s about being OK with what you are doing and where you are heading.  It’s not about going into a room full of people and wondering if they will like you, its about going into a room full of people and wondering if you like them.  True self-confidence is about being completely at peace with yourself.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which is a clinical condition, and this means I do not know who I am, people scare me for no good reason, and my emotions are all over the place, all the damn time.  It’s very difficult to have true and profound self-confidence when you also suffer from a morbid fear of abandonment.  Borderline Personality disorder is considered the most unstable and deadly of all mental health conditions ~ the death rate from suicide alone among sufferers from BPD is around 10%.

My confidence can be destroyed by minor setbacks, when people criticise me or put me down, or when my personality disorder creates anger, paranoia, jealousy, fear, and a complete inability to sustain a relationship.

Beware of those around you who subtly sow the seeds of doubt.  ~  Wayne G. Trotman

Back in the day, when I was in International Banking, I needed to appear to be totally self-confident ~ and I developed a set of coping mechanisms, techniques, and tricks that allowed me to give the appearance of inner certainty, complete belief in myself, and that I was totally at ease. Basically I was faking it.

However, nobody is perfect.  Nobody has all the answers.  The odd thing is that, because I know exactly what my faults are I can deal with my imperfections.  And, I am so fucking damn smart I know almost all the answers to all the questions.  I should be filled with self-confidence, and I’m not.

So what do I do?  I fake self-confidence ~ and when I fake self-confidence well enough, then I come to feel confident and empowered.  Most people have no idea that I’m putting on an act.  By appearing confident other people are happy to know me, to work with me, to rely upon me, to date me, and to be with me.  As they say in 12-step recovery programs; fake it to make it.

Some say that we don’t know who we are because we don’t believe in ourselves.  And that being a control freak is a weakness, not a strength.  All I know is that true confidence comes from inner peace.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

looking good builds self-confidence

and uses up a lot of time in the gym

Living Mindfully

mindfulness is a way of non-judgmentally connecting with your life

some things are in the wrong place, but none can know the future

Until pretty recently I had never heard the words mindful nor mindfully and to be honest, for a man of my generation, background, and upbringing, the concepts and processes of mindfulness are fairly alien and unknowable.

However, to each of us there comes a time when we need to look outside of our everyday wants, needs, struggles, and conflicts to find something we can trust to lift the pain and distress from our shoulders.  There may come a time when we sink as low as to destroy the relationship we hold most precious, to harm ourselves with booze, drugs, gambling, casual sex, lies and deceptions, and to have thoughts of suicide.  Just a few short days ago I had sunk that low.  I had arrived at a rock bottom, and I knew there was yet another rock bottom even lower and worse than the one I was suffering.

Now I know that mindfulness is a way for me to live fully in the moment, and by being totally in the now, cutting off worries about the past and stress about all possible futures.

Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different.  ~  James Baraz

Mindfulness is a way for me to calmly pay full attention to what is happening to me right now, how I am feeling right now, and how I am reacting to those feelings.  Deep down there is a need for me to be calm and at peace with what is happening in the now, instead of worrying and being resentful about what has happened, what could happen, what was and could be bad, what went wrong, what could go wrong, and what is missing in my life.  No matter the chaos that is troubling me in my heart and mind, outwardly I need to radiate inner peace.

Being mindful is about me letting the past stay in the past and leaving the future as something that is yet to come about, it’s about being in the now without being hurt, disturbed, and distressed by what might happen, or what has already happened, or what my twisted mind thinks has already happened.

I may never be able to silence the thousands of negative thoughts and feelings that uninvited pass through my mind each day, but I have learned how to slow down my mind, and allow my feelings to come and go without reacting badly to them.

Some say that they don’t need to feel bad about anything they have ever done.  And that they have no regrets about the past nor worries about the future.  All I know is that I can stop being afraid, I am the master of my fate.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

how the disconnect inside my mind feels

 

 

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

even when I feel nothing, I feel it totally and intensely

Beautiful Nothingness

Personality disorders are a type of mental health problem where attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours cause longstanding difficulties in your life.  Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), is a serious mental illness characterised by extreme emotional instability, rapid and violent mood swings, and a terrible fear of abandonment.

There is no shortage of deception, abandonment, and betrayal out there.  The world is full of lying, uncaring, unstable people.  We may give our hearts, time, and spend our money to and for those who do not care for us as much as we would like them to, our expectations are not met, and this causes us much pain.  For those who have Borderline Personality Disorder any failure to meet their expectations creates immense suffering because it magnifies their extreme behavioral traits.

Sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), can exhibit 9 extreme behavioral traits or symptoms;

  1. Chronic and morbid fear of abandonment.  You would do anything to stop people from leaving you, yet you will make it happen.
  2. Intense, chaotic, and unstable interpersonal relationships; from intimate, to family members, to coworkers….. People around suffers of BPD often feel as though they are on an extreme rollercoaster.
  3. Unstable or no self-image, or sense of self.  Who am I?  Why am I here?
  4. Damaging impulsivity, self-destructive behaviour, behaving without thinking, taking risks; such as reckless driving, drink driving, problem drinking, casual sex, gambling, impulsive spending.
  5. Melancholia and depression leading towards self harm, thoughts of suicide, threats of suicide, attempted suicide. Sometimes the attempted suicide works and people die.
  6. Inappropriate, rapid, intense, and extreme mood swings; anxiety and depression, anger, euphoria…..
  7. A feeling of emptiness, pointlessness, ennui.
  8. Intense, immediate, inappropriate explosive anger that is difficult to control, followed by almost immediate remorse.  People walk on eggshells around someone with BPD.
  9. Severe paranoia, suspicion, disassociation, feeling spaced-out, out of body experiences.

to be diagnosed with BPD you suffer from 5 or more of the nasty things listed above.

People who have BPD do not handle stress or unexpected events well ~ the extreme behavioural traits listed above will get worse if the sufferer is under external or internal stress, or if something unexpected happens, or if they are told something they don’t expect.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, and from time to time I have exhibited all 9 of the traits listed above.  Like most people with BPD I cope very badly with stress and the unexpected.  I am also very prone to what is called Splitting, which is black and white thinking, complete focus; which means that people, places, and things are either all good, or all bad ~ but this judgement can change very rapidly.

Some say that I am too sensitive, that I feel too much.  And, that I always seem to destroy everything.  All I know is that I’m so happy that I can’t stop crying.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

sometimes pain is good

the thorns are as beautiful as the rose

Focus on Things You Can Control

Putting your happiness in the hands of others is a short road to misery

Far too many men beat their brains out trying to change the world so that things are the way they want them to be.  In particular far too many men try to get a particular woman to love them, like them, want them, fuck them ~ and one thing men should learn is that you can never, ever, get a woman to do anything she doesn’t already want to do.  If a particular woman friend of yours is just a friend, then that’s probably what she is always going to be, and the chances of you getting her to be anything else are exactly zero.

Men should stop worrying about things they cannot control.  It’s a total and utter waste of energy, effort, and probably money.  Men should focus their energies, effort, and cash on things they can influence ~ and they should learn what it is they can change, and what they have absolutely no control over.  It’s astonishing how much time guys spend trying to change what they cannot change, and they then waste more time complaining about their woes, probably over a drink or two.

The answer is obvious, guys should simply focus on what is under their control and influence.

It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there’s nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control?  The activity of worrying keeps you immobilised.  ~  Wayne Dyer

Deciding what is, and what is not controllable is difficult.  Harder still when you have strong feelings about what isn’t happening to your liking.  Even harder when a woman is involved.  But, do guys really want to waste their precious time focusing on the wrong things?  Trying to change something, or someone you have no influence over whatsoever is a long downhill road to unhappiness.

The big problem is that to decide what you can and cannot do means first of all taking a long, hard, and honest look at yourself.  Few guys want to go there.  But, if you want to be happy then first of all start with yourself.  If you can’t get a date, stop complaining about it and take a look in the mirror.  Almost every single man on this planet can improve his look, his manners, his conversation, and his charm.

True happiness comes first of all from within.  Change yourself for the better and the world will change around you.

Some say that they just never get a break.  And that if only people would do what I wanted, then I could be happy.  All I know is that I’ve stopped worrying about things I cannot control.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

real men have the courage to take a long, hard, and honest look at themselves

Reinvent Yourself

It’s never to late to be what you might have been.

~

Most people would like to change some things about themselves.  They may want to be fitter, to lose weight, to be more successful at work, to be more successful with the opposite sex, or maybe just to lose the terrible feeling of dissatisfaction they constantly suffer from.  Or it might be worse, some people want to lose their Borderline Personality Disorder, or paranoia or schizophrenia…..

One thing is certain, we can never get what we want by trying to change other people, nor by attempting to alter the way the world works.  The only thing we can ever change is ourselves.  But, look at the upside, when we change ourselves the whole world and everyone in it changes around us.

Reinventing ourselves into a better looking, cooler, fitter, more effective, more successful, less disturbed person is an essential process if we want to grow and flourish.

Here’s the hard thing.  To reinvent yourself into the person you really want to be requires some hard choices.  You need to be ready to walk away from aspects of your life in which you may have invested much time, effort, and money; the way you look, the personality you project, your existing career, unsuitable friendships, toxic relationships with the opposite sex, a dead-end marriage, the pub where you get drunk and try to get casual sex with anyone you may meet at the bar…..

Worse than that, you may have to forget and hide some of your past; the alcoholism, drug taking, criminal record, gambling, over-eating, casual sex, heavy smoking…..

Invent yourself and then reinvent yourself….. and reinvent your life because you must; it is your life and its history and the present belong only to you.  ~  Charles Bukowski.

To reinvent yourself and have a truly successful life, ask yourself these questions;

  • What should I stop doing and thinking?
  • What should I start doing, thinking, and being?
  • What could and should I do less of?
  • What could and should I do more of?
  • What could I do, think, and be differently from who I used to be.

Reinventing yourself can be a difficult and lonely path, and it is not a one-shot deal.  Truly reinventing yourself is an on-going process you will have to work at, every single day.

Some say they already have everything their heart desires.  And there is nothing really wrong with them that a few days sober and clean wouldn’t put right.  All I know is that denial is the greatest block to becoming a better person.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Somebody here is going to get into trouble

or maybe they both will.

Always Tell The Truth

A liar will never be believed, even when she speaks the truth.

Everybody lies.  Lies are the oil that lubricates the grinding wheels of interpersonal relationships.  Most people don’t always want to be told the unvarnished truth, especially by their partner ~ for example being told that you look terrible hurts, even if it is the truth.  In a 10-minute conversation the average American will tell two or three lies ~ basically people lie a lot.

There are different kinds of lies, some are small and immaterial, and some are huge, outrageous, and evil.  However a lie is still a lie, even if it’s justified as a well-intentioned white lie, or it’s a lie of omission where we just don’t say anything at all about something important.

Some lies are actually criminal fraud.  For example;

  • lies about your qualifications and work experience on your CV
  • Plagiarism, piracy, and passing-off
  • creating false paperwork to obtain a loan, drivers licence, passport, etc.
  • using false information to complete official forms, for example health insurance

It seems that many people are happy to live with lies like this, telling themselves that it’s just a clever way to beat the system.  Do or say whatever you like, but if you go down this road your life will be a fake.  And, at some point you may get into serious trouble.  As an example, a contract of insurance is a contract uberrimae fidei, (of utmost good faith), if you don’t tell the whole truth on an insurance document the whole thing is null and void.  Your insurance company can refuse your claims, and reclaim any past claims you have made.

If you do lie and cheat, just be ready for the consequences because eventually you will be caught out.  Your fantastic house of cards will just fall apart.  The thing about lying is that you can never know with certainty the risk of being discovered or the severity of the consequences.  Lie in a relationship and you’ll probably get dumped.  Lie in a marriage and you will probably get divorced.

Some say that there’s a fool born every minute.  And that women make the best liars.  All I know is that some truths are best left unsaid.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

lovers often lie to each other

and to their husbands and wives

The Way of the Wolf

Being a male is a matter of birth.  Being a man is a matter of choice.

The uniform of a wolf is a sharp suit and tie.

Society has conspired against the modern man to make his life very challenging, filled with setbacks, uncertainties, and frustrations.  Sometimes the younger man just has no idea who and what he is supposed to be.  For the average man, deciding upon his life path requires patience, determination, and strong communication skills.  Partly this is the fault of the feminist / metrosexual / LBGT communities who seem to see the traditional, strong, heterosexual, masculine male as some kind of a threat.

However, there is another kind of man who couldn’t care less what most other people think of him ~ the wolf will get whatever he wants even at the expense of everyone else.  The wolf will run his own life, according to his own rules, and without much in the way of morality, ethics, or guilt getting in the way ~ especially when it comes to work, women, and sexual desire.

Wolves know their deepest purpose is to make as much money as possible, and to enjoy sex as often as possible, with as many women as possible.  He is unabashedly masculine, purposeful, confident, grounded, spontaneous, and sensitive.  A wolf is totally turned on by the feminine ~ he loves to take women sexually, to ravish them, to embrace his inner masculinity and her femininity.  He is dedicated to incarnating sexual love, and in his quest he is not bound by outer convention or inner cowardice.

A wolf is not a macho jerk, scared bully, posturing King Kong, scruffy tradesman, or spineless wimp.  However, he will not try to be cooperative, conventional, safe, sharing, or understanding.  He simply lives his life to its deepest core, fearlessly pursuing his wants, needs, and desires, totally committed to abundance, dominance, and sexual gratification for both himself and his partner. A true wolf doesn’t want to make love, he wants to fuck her like an animal.

Sadly I am not, and never have been a wolf.  If I am meeting a woman I always ensure that I am spotlessly clean and well-groomed, I open doors for women, stand when she enters a room and arrives at or leaves my table, shut up when a woman wants to talk, listen attentively when a woman is speaking, and I never invade her space without a clear invitation.  (But a clever wolf will do all of that, except he will invade a woman’s personal space, without invitation.)  Also, whenever I am on a date, or taking a woman on a trip, then I fully expect to get my wallet out and pay for everything.  Some among the feminist / metrosexual / LBGT communities don’t like any of that.

Some say that wolves have more fun than do gentlemen.  And that women like to be used and abused at every opportunity.  All I know is that I have never had first date sex or casual sex ~ despite a plethora of opportunities.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

most wolves prefer their victims to be submissive, eventually

most women feel understood and validated by a wolf

and most wolves have great bodies

The Better Man

Wake up each morning a better person than you were yesterday.

Most people, if they’re both honest and intelligent, have an in-built desire to be ‘better’.  For most of my life I was no different from most people ~ until I tried to work out what it really meant to be ‘better’.

I firmly believe that for most men, being better really means being better than the other guy.  For most men being better means being superior ~ getting what you want, even if it’s at the expense of the other guy.  And, I can look back and see that attitude in myself.  I read innumerable books, watched hordes of self-development videos, and attended courses that were all about being superior, about winning at all costs, and not at all about being better.

Today I believe that being better, means being better than I used to be.  More honest, honourable, considerate, understanding, and accepting than I used to be.  Now I believe that being better doesn’t mean just going all-out to get what I want, even if it’s at the expense of someone else.  For me being ‘better’ no longer means being ‘superior’ ~ and that goes completely against all the business training and life experience I’ve ever had.  And you know what?  All that training and experience was really about surviving in a dog-eat-dog world.

That is such a bad, negative, misogynistic, and uncharitable attitude to have.

The difference between surviving, and really living a great life is all about attitude.

To become the man I wanted to be I’ve had to learn some difficult lessons along the way.  It’s a hard road, but it’s possible.  It’s a struggle, it’s harder than I wanted it to be, it’s takes longer than I wanted, and it takes more out of me than I could ever have believed at the start.

However, to be better than I have ever dreamed I could be, I had to learn this lesson ~ the only person I am competing with is myself.

To be a better man, to be a really cool guy living a really great life, to achieve my absolute and fullest potential, to reach enlightenment ~ all I have to do is to strive to be a little bit better today than I was yesterday.

Some say that the only way to win in life is to put yourself first, even if it’s at the expense of others.  And, that good guys finish last.  All I know is that I have learned the real lessons in life ~ Chivalry means something.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

be a Paladin

 

The Hero’s Journey

we are already found; already truly, entirely, messily, marvelously who we were born to be  ~  Anne Lamont

Real bravery is not an absence of fear; real bravery is pressing on to do the right thing even though you may be very afraid.  Real heroism is putting others first, even at your own peril.  Real gallantry is showing courageous behaviour, and especially politely protecting and cherishing all women ~ no matter what.

Our modern word Hero derives from the classical Greek and Latin word Hērōs meaning “protector” or “defender” or “to safeguard”.  A classical Hero is a warrior who lives and dies in the pursuit of honour.  In ancient legend, How Horatius Held the Bridge as in the poem by Thomas Babington, and the 300 at the pass of Thermopylae.  In modern times the first responders who went into the burning Twin Towers are rightly thought of as Heroes.

The journey of an individual towards selfless heroism follows a pattern, oft-repeated in myths, legends, history, by Hollywood.  A relatively ordinary man, (heroes are almost always men), with more than his fair share of flaws and character defects, is thrust unexpectedly into an extraordinary situation.  More often than not a group of innocent individuals are threatened with serious injury and death by some very evil people, or a malevolent force of nature.

This ordinary man is forced by circumstances, and probably against his will, to step up and save the potential victims from harm.  Usually there is a woman, a romantic interest, somewhere in the background.

It will turn out that this reluctant hero has an unexpected and previously unrevealed skill, ability, and strength of character which will allow him to face down the bad guys, and thus save the day.

Our hero will probably suffer greatly, and be badly injured during his journey into heroism ~ sometimes he may die.  Usually there won’t be a romantic reconciliation with the woman he loves ~ instead he will metaphorically ride off into the sunset, nursing uncomplaining his physical, emotional, and spiritual pain.

Hollywood has innumerable examples of this hero’s journey; High Noon, Die Hard, North by Northwest, Alien, (Ripley was a heroine), Star Wars, Shane, Valdez is Coming….  More importantly, this story is played out many times over in real life.  And yet, these stories almost never have a happy ending.

Some say that true happiness is to have no ambition, and yet to work like a horse as if you had every ambition.  And that it is to live apart from the cares of another, not need her, and yet still to love her.  All I know is that true happiness is being wherever you are, and whomsoever you truly are, and not let that scare you.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

it’s not the age honey,

it’s the mileage

 

%d bloggers like this: