be inspired to think, act, and believe in ways that fulfill your potential
every morning is a new chance to enjoy life
I am not the sum of my past mistakes, nobody is perfect
I am at peace with everything that has happened in my life
I will neither judge myself nor the other people in my life
we each have the power to change our lives for the better
I am good with who I am, and proud of who I am becoming
I can meet each new challenge with fortitude and enthusiasm
my partner is very attracted to me; physically, spiritually, and emotionally
at the end of every day, I know that I will have done the best that I could
if you try to please everybody, you end up pleasing nobody
Unless you are a sociopath or a narcissist you will tend to want to make other people happy. If you are in a romantic relationship you will tend to want to please your partner. If you are a child you will tend to want to please your parents, teachers, and just about every other adult you interact with. There are exceptions; we all have bad days when we couldn’t give a fuck, there are some people we don’t care about at all, and there are some other people we dislike so much that we are at the other end of the people-pleasing spectrum.
And then there are those of us to get sucked into the role of a people-pleaser, continually doing what other people want us to do, always saying yes when we should be saying no, and trying to find ways to ingratiate ourselves with people who take us for granted. We become the epitome of a people-pleasing fool because there is something in our past that made us eager to please someone in authority over us, (and / or someone we loved), for the sake of our own safety, sanity, or just because that was the only way we would ever get any attention or affection.
For a lot of my life I was trapped in the role of a people-pleaser, because my feelings of self-worth were so low as to be almost non-existent, and I was always looking to others to validate myself. My self-esteem was whatever other people told me it was, and that was doubly so for women I liked and / or was in a relationship with. I was a prisoner.
Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. ~ Lao Tzu
Once someone consciously or subconsciously realises just how much they are being taken for a fool, then they have some chance of escaping that submissive, subservient, complaisant role. And, other people will not like that at all. I stopped being a people-pleasing serf a little while ago, and some said a lot of unpleasant things to and about me. Yet the people who truly cared for me were happy for me, and encouraged me to go on steadfastly walking the true warriors path of independence, courage, confidence, determination, and kindness.
Some say they exist to please their master / mistress. And that if they didn’t take care of everyone else in their life, then who else would? All I know is that you can’t please everyone, so you’ve got to please yourself.
just because she enjoys being submissive doesn’t mean she is someone’s doormat
a man’s main task in life is to know who he is
and then to know who he can become
For most of our lives we were who other people told us to be. ‘Be a good boy…..’ my parents told me. ‘You will have to work harder than this…..’ my teachers said. ‘You need to put in more hours…..’ my bosses ordered. ‘You should dress differently….. my ‘friends’ advised. And unconsciously I made the choices to do what I was told. Eventually, some of us were unlucky enough to make the unconscious choice to go along with whatever we thought our girl / significant other / partner wanted. In becoming what other people wanted us to be we stopped making our own decisions, our whole reality became skewed, and we lost ourselves.
In my life I’ve made a lot of bad choices because I didn’t know who was, didn’t know what I wanted, and didn’t know who and what I wanted to become. The good choices I made were all logical, dispassionate, intellectual ~ if I could weigh it, measure it, or count it, then it would work for me. The bad choices were all emotional, based on desires, gratification, wants, and lusts. All of those choices turned to dross.
A while ago I made the conscious decision to be myself, and that meant throwing away a lot of crap, in fact it meant throwing away almost everything of who and what I used to be. That’s OK because it’s easier to build something from the beginning than it is to modify something to try and make it work.
Dare to be what your best self knows you ought to be; dare to be a bigger human being than you have ever been. ~ Norman Vincent Peale
Some say that when people change promises are broken. And, that if you insist on going your own way, then you will go alone. All I know is that I will be myself, no matter what. I will decide for myself just who I am and who and what I want to become.
this was part of who I truly was and am, and other people didn’t like it
celebrate yourself, don’t wait for others to celebrate for you
I was told when I was born, my parents told me when my birthday was even though they didn’t celebrate it much. Years later, when I needed to prove who I was I discovered that I was a day older than I’d been told, which means I’m a little bit Pisces as well as a lot of Ares. If you believe in astrology, spirituality, and witchcraft that explains why I’m sometimes a messed up artist / engineer.
Growing up in a coal mining village, going to school at Bog Row Junior Mixed and Infants, living a ground down life in a dirt poor town, did not encourage me to look forward to anyone’s birthday. Being the shy kid at birthday parties does not win medals and kisses.
In lots of ways I am an average guy. I do not remember dates of things women find important; anniversaries, Valentines, Thanksgiving, Birthdays….. (Actually St. Valentines Day is hard to forget, my florist reminds me.) Ergo, in my diary I write down the dates of my friends’ birthdays, starting with a note the week before that says things like; Faye’s Birthday next week. I am sorry if you women think that is crass, and that I need to be reminded to send flowers, but at least I try.
When I was working for a living my secretary would remind me of my birthday because it was expected that I would buy cakes for everyone in my office, and book a table in the good wine bar for a favoured few. Champagne and nibbles, no work that afternoon, taxi to the train station for girls a little too drunk to walk.
I know, shallow and crass, But shallow and crass was all I had.
Some say that when you are born describes who you are. And that an Ares male is not to be trusted around women. All I know is that I did not forget my friend’s birthday, no matter what she believes.
Happy Birthday Sweetheart
accept no one else’s definition of your life, but define yourself
Shakespeare didn’t think much of money-lenders
Who are you? The true answer to that isn’t as easy to give as some may believe. You might tell me your name, and then you might tell me what you do; butcher, baker, candlestick-maker, rich-man, poor-woman, beggar-man, thief….. In fact we are so wound up in ‘what we do’ that in times past a person’s ‘family name’ might well have been the trade or craft they were in. Hence; Baker, Cooper, Thatcher, Smith, Wright.
So, we might know your name and your main occupation, but that’s just what you are. It isn’t who you are. Your name and what you do to earn a crust aren’t who you are. If a name was so important then why do half of the people in the western world change their name? And if what you do is so important, why do so very many people have a career change at some time in their lives, and why are so many dissatisfied with their career, profession, job?
Your name and what you do to make a living are not who you are ~ but perhaps it’s what you are, your role, the part that you play in society. That’s if you accept that what you do is just a role, not who you are at all. We are all but players on life’s stage.
All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts….. ~ Shakespeare
My career was in International Banking and Finance. I worked hard at it, and I was well remunerated in return. Was I satisfied with that? Did I think that what I did was important? Not really. I worked to make a living, to have some self-respect, and my own self-respect was why I was good at it. I’ve played some other roles, and I was very good at those too.
But now, I don’t play a role anymore. Today, right now, I am just me. And, like everything I’ve done in the past I am determined to be good at being me, the very ‘best’ man I can possibly be.
Others may have loftier callings; perhaps they want to be a doctor, priest, therapist, teacher ~ but before all of that I would first urge them to be themselves, and to be the very best at being themselves that they can possibly be.
Some say that we should all conform to what society expects of us. And that those in authority have a right to tell us what to do. All I know is that you should always be yourself, no matter what they say.
be the best you can be
but be yourself
no matter what they say
do not ever pay for work that isn’t done right and completed on time
what the Arc would have looked like if Noah had used a contractor
Stop letting contractors screw you over. There is NO excuse for work that isn’t done right, finished on budget, and completed on time. I’ve heard it again and again that some contractor totally fucked up a job, or charged far too much, or did work that didn’t need doing, left an utter mess behind them after they finished, caused far more damage than they were asked to come in and fix, never finished the job at all, didn’t do the job they were asked to do, or didn’t even turn up…..
This is not a new story for me, so why am I bothering to flog this comatose horse? Well a couple of friends of mine, and another couple of nice people whose blogs I follow, have all had problems with contractors in the past few days. In my expert opinion 90% of contractors of every ilk from decorators, to plumbers, to electricians, to garage mechanics, to moving men et al, are utterly useless, partly skilled, dishonest, lazy, misogynistic jerks.
So how to avoid being totally ripped off?
- Do not hire a contractor based on somebody else’s unsupported recommendation. Especially do not hire anyone recommended by another contractor; say your realtor.
- Do not ever, ever hire a friend, or a friend of a friend, to do ANY work for you.
- Do not ever hire a contractor without first having a totally clear picture of the work you want doing, when you want it done by, how much you are going to pay, and when. If you don’t know any of this stuff, GO AWAY AND FIND OUT!
- Do not ever hire a contractor who can’t show you a current copy of their appropriate certification, and customer references. Check these out, and never just by making a phone call.
- Do not hire a contractor who can’t give you a firm written quote, on a proper letter-head. If possible get three quotes, (if it’s a big job then you must have at least two firm quotations)
- Do not ever pay a contractor before they have started work, and never ever pay them in full until the work is completed to your satisfaction. Agree stage payments if appropriate. Go over everything your contractor has done with a fine tooth comb. Your word is the final word!
- Do not ever, ever allow an unsupervised contractor into your property. And, ensure they are watched over 100% of the time thereafter.
- DO NOT hire day rate illegal aliens under any circumstances. And don’t hire anyone who isn’t fluent in your language.
- Learn some DIY stuff. Learn a hell of a lot of DIY stuff. It is always easier, cheaper, and better to do the job yourself than hire some utterly useless, partly skilled, dishonest, lazy, misogynistic jerk to do the work for you. And if you have some idea about how to actually do a bit of say; decorating, then you are in a far better position to control your idiot contractor.
- Finally; do not be a woman. All contractors think women are easy marks. If you are a woman then follow the suggestions above with the utmost regard.
This is your job, your money, your home, your safety. If your plumber floods your home, your electrician sets fire to your home, or you home just blows up…… then ultimately it is YOUR fault. Do not let ANYONE tell you how you should go about dealing with a contractor. (except me)
Some say that they have had a really good contractor. And that not all contractors are bad. All I know is that anyone who says they have had one good contractor will also have had three utter disasters.
some decorators can’t even varnish a floor without making a mess of it
stop wasting valuable time on worthless people places and things
Everyone, and I do mean everyone, wastes a hell of a lot of precious time.
If you have been working from home, or not working at all because you’ve been in lockdown, or just got back to work; then the amount of time you waste every day should have been thrown into sharp focus. For example, most people who work from home manage to get a full week’s work done in about 20 hours instead of 40. And, if you have just gone back to work you might realise just how often you are interrupted, or have to do utterly pointless time-wasting crap. The worst is that you may have been utterly idle during lockdown and filled your entire life with utterly pointless crap.
So, here are a few very obvious suggestions to allow you to have more time to do what’s important to you;
- Make some lists instead of charging around aimlessly and forgetting things; a to-do list and shopping list are very efficient and helpful.
- Stop chatting with people who call at your desk. Usually they are time wasting jerks.
- Don’t go to most meetings. In my experience meetings of more than 3 people are a complete waste of time ~ on-line meetings doubly so. If you are not the most vital person in a meeting you probably don’t need to go. Just read the minutes instead.
- Stop multi-tasking. Do one job from start to finish, concentrate on that task, and don’t try to do something else at the same time. That means don’t read emails or surf the internet when you’re supposed to be doing something important.
- Finish what you’ve started. Unfinished tasks are a congregation of fighting alligators in your mind, bothering the hell out of you and stopping you from really being effective and efficient.
- Be neat, clean, and tidy. Some people think living and working in a mess makes them productive ~ it doesn’t, it just means you’re living in a swamp.
- Do the very simple ‘couple of minutes’ jobs first, get them out of the way, and then do the worst, nastiest, and most difficult task ~ from start to finish.
- Stop answering the phone, unless you’re expecting a call. Calls out of the blue are hardly ever important.
- When you are not at your job, you are not at your job. So forget it and forget the people there. Your employer only owns your time for your exact contracted number of hours.
- Take all your breaks, and get outside into the fresh air and sunshine if you possibly can.
Some say the work-life balance is important. And some go into the ‘office’ when they should be at the beach. All I know is too much work will kill you.
When you’re up to your ass in alligators it’s hard to remember that you’re supposed to be draining the smegging swamp
there will be people who confuse your individuality with selfishness
Peer-group pressure is a very powerful thing. Fitting in, being popular, having lots of friends, agreeing with the majority opinion, is taught to us all from a very early age. In fact it can be hammered into us at school, where standing out from the crowd and being different can get you seriously bullied.
It’s no different as we grow and move on in life. In psychology there’s a thing called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which describes what the average person strives for. Only when the most basic needs are met; food, water, shelter….. can one move on towards higher needs, like having friends. As you’d expect it’s more complicated than that, and it’s wrong anyway.
For most people belongingness: to be an accepted and superior member of a group, comes right at the top of the list of the things they want, need, and desire most. The average adult strives to achieve social approval, to be fashionable, to be superior, to keep up with and surpass their peer group, to accumulate more and better material possessions, and certainly a get a lot of meaningless sex ~ often outside of their principal relationship. And somewhere there might be the need for love and adulation.
But to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy an adult needs to be themselves. Sometimes it is important to stand out from the herd, especially if you’re fitting in just to play it safe, to avoid being questioned or challenged, to avoid upsetting your peer group, to keep in with your family and your friends….. If you are going to be true to yourself, if you want to achieve emotional, mental, and spiritual health, then there will be moments in your life when you have to be yourself, no matter what they say.
We each have a unique set of wants, needs, desires, dreams, ambitions, thoughts, and opinions ~ but we often suppress them and get caught up in the herd’s falsehoods instead. We become people pleasers and drones.
The hard truth is there are a lot of mentally sick people out there today because they strive not to miss out on other how others think they should live, behave, act, and think. I point to the compulsive wearing of face coverings as my proof.
Nobody needs to wear a face mask outdoors, or when they are alone in their own car, or when riding a bicycle, or when they are alone at home. I wonder if some people wear a face covering while they are having sex in the missionary position…..
Some say there is safety in numbers. And that those who disagree are anti-social, selfish, dangerous, should be shouted down and destroyed. All I know is that I will be myself, no matter what they say.
I am not a number
I am a free man
it could have been worse, the liquor stores might have been closed
Now that I’m regularly out and about again after a period of government imposed solitary confinement at home, I’ve noticed just how manky some people are looking. It’s not their fault, being subject to lockdown and being made to work from home does bad things to your health, your looks, and your well-being. It’s a lack of sunshine, fresh air, exercise ~ and too much junk food, processed food, comfort eating, too much booze, too many cigarettes, and for some too much reliance on drugs. Add to that the lack of proper sleep, irregular hours, lazing around most of the day in sweats or night-attire, not being able to get to a hairdresser…..
Face it after a period of lockdown, and while we are working at home, it’s possible that we don’t feel or look at our very best. I know I didn’t, and I know just how much weight I put on.
It’s pretty simple to get back to looking and feeling great;
- Get out in the sunshine and fresh air as much as you can.
- Get some exercise. Walk the 10,000 steps a day. Learn some yoga. Use free exercises such as squats, push ups. Look here’s a link to a 20 minute home workout video.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKfNUOWuZV8
- Stop drinking so much every day and every night. Have two or three totally booze-free days every week.
- Stop smoking all together, forever. Smoking makes you look old, you stink, it ruins your health. Smoking will kill you.
- Stop comfort eating. Don’t eat just because you’re bored, stressed, lonely, or sad.
- Stop eating processed food, or eat much less processed food if you can’t get to a good store as often as you’d like.
- Stop shoveling your food in with both hands, eat mindfully and slowly, chew your food properly.
- Eat more fresh fruit and vegetables. Salads are brilliant at this time of year.
- Drink more cool, clear, cleansing water. (Fruit juice counts too.)
I am back on a health and fitness programme again, after letting myself go during lockdown. It’s so depressing being in solitary confinement that I found it hard to keep up good habits. But you know what? It doesn’t take more than a week or so to turn things around to a better life.
Some say that just one bottle of wine won’t hurt. And, that potato chips go so well with wine. All I know is that the dictum of a healthy mind in a healthy body is the real truth.
yoga is bloody good for you