Category Archives: Employment

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

even when I feel nothing, I feel it totally and intensely

Beautiful Nothingness

Personality disorders are a type of mental health problem where attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours cause longstanding difficulties in your life.  Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), is a serious mental illness characterised by extreme emotional instability, rapid and violent mood swings, and a terrible fear of abandonment.

There is no shortage of deception, abandonment, and betrayal out there.  The world is full of lying, uncaring, unstable people.  We may give our hearts, time, and spend our money to and for those who do not care for us as much as we would like them to, our expectations are not met, and this causes us much pain.  For those who have Borderline Personality Disorder any failure to meet their expectations creates immense suffering because it magnifies their extreme behavioral traits.

Sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), can exhibit 9 extreme behavioral traits or symptoms;

  1. Chronic and morbid fear of abandonment.  You would do anything to stop people from leaving you, yet you will make it happen.
  2. Intense, chaotic, and unstable interpersonal relationships; from intimate, to family members, to coworkers….. People around suffers of BPD often feel as though they are on an extreme rollercoaster.
  3. Unstable or no self-image, or sense of self.  Who am I?  Why am I here?
  4. Damaging impulsivity, self-destructive behaviour, behaving without thinking, taking risks; such as reckless driving, drink driving, problem drinking, casual sex, gambling, impulsive spending.
  5. Melancholia and depression leading towards self harm, thoughts of suicide, threats of suicide, attempted suicide. Sometimes the attempted suicide works and people die.
  6. Inappropriate, rapid, intense, and extreme mood swings; anxiety and depression, anger, euphoria…..
  7. A feeling of emptiness, pointlessness, ennui.
  8. Intense, immediate, inappropriate explosive anger that is difficult to control, followed by almost immediate remorse.  People walk on eggshells around someone with BPD.
  9. Severe paranoia, suspicion, disassociation, feeling spaced-out, out of body experiences.

to be diagnosed with BPD you suffer from 5 or more of the nasty things listed above.

People who have BPD do not handle stress or unexpected events well ~ the extreme behavioural traits listed above will get worse if the sufferer is under external or internal stress, or if something unexpected happens, or if they are told something they don’t expect.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, and from time to time I have exhibited all 9 of the traits listed above.  Like most people with BPD I cope very badly with stress and the unexpected.  I am also very prone to what is called Splitting, which is black and white thinking, complete focus; which means that people, places, and things are either all good, or all bad ~ but this judgement can change very rapidly.

Some say that I am too sensitive, that I feel too much.  And, that I always seem to destroy everything.  All I know is that I’m so happy that I can’t stop crying.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

sometimes pain is good

the thorns are as beautiful as the rose

Focus on Things You Can Control

Putting your happiness in the hands of others is a short road to misery

Far too many men beat their brains out trying to change the world so that things are the way they want them to be.  In particular far too many men try to get a particular woman to love them, like them, want them, fuck them ~ and one thing men should learn is that you can never, ever, get a woman to do anything she doesn’t already want to do.  If a particular woman friend of yours is just a friend, then that’s probably what she is always going to be, and the chances of you getting her to be anything else are exactly zero.

Men should stop worrying about things they cannot control.  It’s a total and utter waste of energy, effort, and probably money.  Men should focus their energies, effort, and cash on things they can influence ~ and they should learn what it is they can change, and what they have absolutely no control over.  It’s astonishing how much time guys spend trying to change what they cannot change, and they then waste more time complaining about their woes, probably over a drink or two.

The answer is obvious, guys should simply focus on what is under their control and influence.

It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there’s nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control?  The activity of worrying keeps you immobilised.  ~  Wayne Dyer

Deciding what is, and what is not controllable is difficult.  Harder still when you have strong feelings about what isn’t happening to your liking.  Even harder when a woman is involved.  But, do guys really want to waste their precious time focusing on the wrong things?  Trying to change something, or someone you have no influence over whatsoever is a long downhill road to unhappiness.

The big problem is that to decide what you can and cannot do means first of all taking a long, hard, and honest look at yourself.  Few guys want to go there.  But, if you want to be happy then first of all start with yourself.  If you can’t get a date, stop complaining about it and take a look in the mirror.  Almost every single man on this planet can improve his look, his manners, his conversation, and his charm.

True happiness comes first of all from within.  Change yourself for the better and the world will change around you.

Some say that they just never get a break.  And that if only people would do what I wanted, then I could be happy.  All I know is that I’ve stopped worrying about things I cannot control.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

real men have the courage to take a long, hard, and honest look at themselves

My Adult Life in Snapshots

Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.

It’s a long way and a long time from a coal mining village in the North of England to an upscale hotel in Sedona, Arizona ~ and I made all the stops along the way.

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Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Men, Advice, and Solutions

A man’s self-worth is defined by the results he can achieve.

Real Men Slay Dragons

Today, practical men are great at solving problems involving faulty electrics, leaking faucets, broken-down cars, busted appliances…..  Real men are crap at listening when all a woman wants is to talk about her feelings, or how her day was.  Masculine men are basically problem-solving machines.

To understand why a man always gives advice and solutions, when all a woman wants is for him to listen, you need to know how the male brain works.  And for a start, unlike women, men have dick-all connections between the right and left hemispheres of the brain.

A woman’s brain is organised for communication and empathy.  A woman’s brain is structured to talk, and the main purpose of her talking is to talk and share feelings.  For the most part she is not looking for solutions, advice, or answers, which is what the male brain is organised to provide.

Men evolved as mostly solitary hunters, and their main contribution to the survival of the human race was the ability to hit a moving target so that everyone could eat meat.  Prehistoric Man needed the ability to accurately throw a rock, club, or spear, either at edible targets or enemies who wanted to steal their food or who threatened their tribe.

As a result, men evolved a target-hitting and spacial awareness area in the brain, which uses up the part of the brain that forms the speech and communications centre in women.  Talking, listening, empathy, and emotions uses up odd bits of the male brain that aren’t used for much else ~ men don’t have a speech centre.  Women don’t have a spacial awareness, target-hitting, and throwing centre in their brain, which is why most women have a useless sense of direction and can’t read maps.

Early man turned into result-oriented creatures who measure their own success strictly by outcomes, accomplishments, and their ability to come up with solutions to problems.  A real man feels that he is the one person most capable of solving his own problems, and does not see any need to discuss them with anyone else.  Men will only ask another persons opinion about a problem if he is looking for expert advice; say from a doctor.  Unsolicited advice from a woman is not welcomed by any masculine guy.

Some women say that men have countless annoying traits.  And that a woman wants to be listened to, not fixed.  All I know is that real men don’t want to worry about toilet seats.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

put a real man on an idyllic desert island, and the first thing he’ll think about is how to get off it.

 

 

Reinvent Yourself

It’s never to late to be what you might have been.

~

Most people would like to change some things about themselves.  They may want to be fitter, to lose weight, to be more successful at work, to be more successful with the opposite sex, or maybe just to lose the terrible feeling of dissatisfaction they constantly suffer from.  Or it might be worse, some people want to lose their Borderline Personality Disorder, or paranoia or schizophrenia…..

One thing is certain, we can never get what we want by trying to change other people, nor by attempting to alter the way the world works.  The only thing we can ever change is ourselves.  But, look at the upside, when we change ourselves the whole world and everyone in it changes around us.

Reinventing ourselves into a better looking, cooler, fitter, more effective, more successful, less disturbed person is an essential process if we want to grow and flourish.

Here’s the hard thing.  To reinvent yourself into the person you really want to be requires some hard choices.  You need to be ready to walk away from aspects of your life in which you may have invested much time, effort, and money; the way you look, the personality you project, your existing career, unsuitable friendships, toxic relationships with the opposite sex, a dead-end marriage, the pub where you get drunk and try to get casual sex with anyone you may meet at the bar…..

Worse than that, you may have to forget and hide some of your past; the alcoholism, drug taking, criminal record, gambling, over-eating, casual sex, heavy smoking…..

Invent yourself and then reinvent yourself….. and reinvent your life because you must; it is your life and its history and the present belong only to you.  ~  Charles Bukowski.

To reinvent yourself and have a truly successful life, ask yourself these questions;

  • What should I stop doing and thinking?
  • What should I start doing, thinking, and being?
  • What could and should I do less of?
  • What could and should I do more of?
  • What could I do, think, and be differently from who I used to be.

Reinventing yourself can be a difficult and lonely path, and it is not a one-shot deal.  Truly reinventing yourself is an on-going process you will have to work at, every single day.

Some say they already have everything their heart desires.  And there is nothing really wrong with them that a few days sober and clean wouldn’t put right.  All I know is that denial is the greatest block to becoming a better person.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Somebody here is going to get into trouble

or maybe they both will.

Always Tell The Truth

A liar will never be believed, even when she speaks the truth.

Everybody lies.  Lies are the oil that lubricates the grinding wheels of interpersonal relationships.  Most people don’t always want to be told the unvarnished truth, especially by their partner ~ for example being told that you look terrible hurts, even if it is the truth.  In a 10-minute conversation the average American will tell two or three lies ~ basically people lie a lot.

There are different kinds of lies, some are small and immaterial, and some are huge, outrageous, and evil.  However a lie is still a lie, even if it’s justified as a well-intentioned white lie, or it’s a lie of omission where we just don’t say anything at all about something important.

Some lies are actually criminal fraud.  For example;

  • lies about your qualifications and work experience on your CV
  • Plagiarism, piracy, and passing-off
  • creating false paperwork to obtain a loan, drivers licence, passport, etc.
  • using false information to complete official forms, for example health insurance

It seems that many people are happy to live with lies like this, telling themselves that it’s just a clever way to beat the system.  Do or say whatever you like, but if you go down this road your life will be a fake.  And, at some point you may get into serious trouble.  As an example, a contract of insurance is a contract uberrimae fidei, (of utmost good faith), if you don’t tell the whole truth on an insurance document the whole thing is null and void.  Your insurance company can refuse your claims, and reclaim any past claims you have made.

If you do lie and cheat, just be ready for the consequences because eventually you will be caught out.  Your fantastic house of cards will just fall apart.  The thing about lying is that you can never know with certainty the risk of being discovered or the severity of the consequences.  Lie in a relationship and you’ll probably get dumped.  Lie in a marriage and you will probably get divorced.

Some say that there’s a fool born every minute.  And that women make the best liars.  All I know is that some truths are best left unsaid.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

lovers often lie to each other

and to their husbands and wives

Live Within Your Means

To achieve your goals and dreams you are going to need money.

Back in the day I worked in banking and finance, and I saw first-hand just how much of a mess most people could make of their finances ~ usually due to buying things they couldn’t really afford.  The three main culprits when it came to unaffordable and expensive purchases were; cars, clothes / shoes, and vacations ~ none of which are essential.  (There’s a caveat, in that you may actually need a car and you do need clothes and shoes, but you can buy the cheapest used stuff you can find, rather than flashy and expensive.)

You do not need to be a millionaire, or act like a millionaire, to be successful or feel successful.  Financial wealth is only one indicator of success.  However, you’re going to need money just to live day-to-day, and no successful person has ever ignored their finances.  Conversely, all successful people know how to manage their money and plan their finances.  And rule #1 is Borrowing is Bad, especially if you borrow money you can’t easily pay off.

Financial planning begins with these 4 questions;

  1. How much money do you take home each month?
  2. What are your regular bills; mortgage, utilities, taxes, loan repayments?
  3. How much do you spend each month in the various stores you use; clothes, groceries, gas, booze, cigarettes, etc?
  4. What assets and debts do you have?

If you are in the fortunate position of making more money than you regularly spend, then you should also be able to work out how much you are saving each month.

You need to write all this down, either just pen and paper, or on a spreadsheet.

If you are regularly spending more than you earn, then you are heading for deep shit.

If you are regularly spending more than you earn, then you need to totally cut out some of your expenditure.  Stop buying booze, cigarettes, chocolate, and anything else you may be addicted to; gambling, porn, sex, drugs…..  Always buy the cheapest gas, buy less expensive groceries, stop eating out, stop using the deli to buy your lunchtime sandwiches and make them at home instead…..

Borrowing is Bad.  Some borrowing is worse.  PAY OFF YOUR CREDIT CARDS.  Credit card debt is ruinously expensive.  In this day and age if your paying more than 10% as an annual interest rate on a loan, then stop eating until that debt is paid off.

Some say that they can make money playing online poker.  And, that its good to go to the pub most nights a week.  All I know is that some people end up on the street.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

life on the street is no fun

The Way of the Wolf

Being a male is a matter of birth.  Being a man is a matter of choice.

The uniform of a wolf is a sharp suit and tie.

Society has conspired against the modern man to make his life very challenging, filled with setbacks, uncertainties, and frustrations.  Sometimes the younger man just has no idea who and what he is supposed to be.  For the average man, deciding upon his life path requires patience, determination, and strong communication skills.  Partly this is the fault of the feminist / metrosexual / LBGT communities who seem to see the traditional, strong, heterosexual, masculine male as some kind of a threat.

However, there is another kind of man who couldn’t care less what most other people think of him ~ the wolf will get whatever he wants even at the expense of everyone else.  The wolf will run his own life, according to his own rules, and without much in the way of morality, ethics, or guilt getting in the way ~ especially when it comes to work, women, and sexual desire.

Wolves know their deepest purpose is to make as much money as possible, and to enjoy sex as often as possible, with as many women as possible.  He is unabashedly masculine, purposeful, confident, grounded, spontaneous, and sensitive.  A wolf is totally turned on by the feminine ~ he loves to take women sexually, to ravish them, to embrace his inner masculinity and her femininity.  He is dedicated to incarnating sexual love, and in his quest he is not bound by outer convention or inner cowardice.

A wolf is not a macho jerk, scared bully, posturing King Kong, scruffy tradesman, or spineless wimp.  However, he will not try to be cooperative, conventional, safe, sharing, or understanding.  He simply lives his life to its deepest core, fearlessly pursuing his wants, needs, and desires, totally committed to abundance, dominance, and sexual gratification for both himself and his partner. A true wolf doesn’t want to make love, he wants to fuck her like an animal.

Sadly I am not, and never have been a wolf.  If I am meeting a woman I always ensure that I am spotlessly clean and well-groomed, I open doors for women, stand when she enters a room and arrives at or leaves my table, shut up when a woman wants to talk, listen attentively when a woman is speaking, and I never invade her space without a clear invitation.  (But a clever wolf will do all of that, except he will invade a woman’s personal space, without invitation.)  Also, whenever I am on a date, or taking a woman on a trip, then I fully expect to get my wallet out and pay for everything.  Some among the feminist / metrosexual / LBGT communities don’t like any of that.

Some say that wolves have more fun than do gentlemen.  And that women like to be used and abused at every opportunity.  All I know is that I have never had first date sex or casual sex ~ despite a plethora of opportunities.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

most wolves prefer their victims to be submissive, eventually

most women feel understood and validated by a wolf

and most wolves have great bodies

The Better Man

Wake up each morning a better person than you were yesterday.

Most people, if they’re both honest and intelligent, have an in-built desire to be ‘better’.  For most of my life I was no different from most people ~ until I tried to work out what it really meant to be ‘better’.

I firmly believe that for most men, being better really means being better than the other guy.  For most men being better means being superior ~ getting what you want, even if it’s at the expense of the other guy.  And, I can look back and see that attitude in myself.  I read innumerable books, watched hordes of self-development videos, and attended courses that were all about being superior, about winning at all costs, and not at all about being better.

Today I believe that being better, means being better than I used to be.  More honest, honourable, considerate, understanding, and accepting than I used to be.  Now I believe that being better doesn’t mean just going all-out to get what I want, even if it’s at the expense of someone else.  For me being ‘better’ no longer means being ‘superior’ ~ and that goes completely against all the business training and life experience I’ve ever had.  And you know what?  All that training and experience was really about surviving in a dog-eat-dog world.

That is such a bad, negative, misogynistic, and uncharitable attitude to have.

The difference between surviving, and really living a great life is all about attitude.

To become the man I wanted to be I’ve had to learn some difficult lessons along the way.  It’s a hard road, but it’s possible.  It’s a struggle, it’s harder than I wanted it to be, it’s takes longer than I wanted, and it takes more out of me than I could ever have believed at the start.

However, to be better than I have ever dreamed I could be, I had to learn this lesson ~ the only person I am competing with is myself.

To be a better man, to be a really cool guy living a really great life, to achieve my absolute and fullest potential, to reach enlightenment ~ all I have to do is to strive to be a little bit better today than I was yesterday.

Some say that the only way to win in life is to put yourself first, even if it’s at the expense of others.  And, that good guys finish last.  All I know is that I have learned the real lessons in life ~ Chivalry means something.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

be a Paladin

 

The Hero’s Journey

we are already found; already truly, entirely, messily, marvelously who we were born to be  ~  Anne Lamont

Real bravery is not an absence of fear; real bravery is pressing on to do the right thing even though you may be very afraid.  Real heroism is putting others first, even at your own peril.  Real gallantry is showing courageous behaviour, and especially politely protecting and cherishing all women ~ no matter what.

Our modern word Hero derives from the classical Greek and Latin word Hērōs meaning “protector” or “defender” or “to safeguard”.  A classical Hero is a warrior who lives and dies in the pursuit of honour.  In ancient legend, How Horatius Held the Bridge as in the poem by Thomas Babington, and the 300 at the pass of Thermopylae.  In modern times the first responders who went into the burning Twin Towers are rightly thought of as Heroes.

The journey of an individual towards selfless heroism follows a pattern, oft-repeated in myths, legends, history, by Hollywood.  A relatively ordinary man, (heroes are almost always men), with more than his fair share of flaws and character defects, is thrust unexpectedly into an extraordinary situation.  More often than not a group of innocent individuals are threatened with serious injury and death by some very evil people, or a malevolent force of nature.

This ordinary man is forced by circumstances, and probably against his will, to step up and save the potential victims from harm.  Usually there is a woman, a romantic interest, somewhere in the background.

It will turn out that this reluctant hero has an unexpected and previously unrevealed skill, ability, and strength of character which will allow him to face down the bad guys, and thus save the day.

Our hero will probably suffer greatly, and be badly injured during his journey into heroism ~ sometimes he may die.  Usually there won’t be a romantic reconciliation with the woman he loves ~ instead he will metaphorically ride off into the sunset, nursing uncomplaining his physical, emotional, and spiritual pain.

Hollywood has innumerable examples of this hero’s journey; High Noon, Die Hard, North by Northwest, Alien, (Ripley was a heroine), Star Wars, Shane, Valdez is Coming….  More importantly, this story is played out many times over in real life.  And yet, these stories almost never have a happy ending.

Some say that true happiness is to have no ambition, and yet to work like a horse as if you had every ambition.  And that it is to live apart from the cares of another, not need her, and yet still to love her.  All I know is that true happiness is being wherever you are, and whomsoever you truly are, and not let that scare you.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

it’s not the age honey,

it’s the mileage

 

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