Escaping Humiliation
humiliation scars deeper than the lash
renting a Mustang does not alleviate humiliation
It is only very recently that I have had the courage to take a long, hard look at my life. The implications of my actions over recent years are severe. Obsession, overindulgence in the wrong people and things, dissipation, confusion, despair, joylessness are what mark my days. A struggle with addiction to alcohol. The proximate cause of that addiction ~ an unhappy destructive toxic affair. The waste of time, money, and love now weigh heavily on my mind.
And yet, I was very unwilling and almost unable to finally break that bond ~ a bond that had no future except walking deeper into the dark slough of despond. Call it sexual immaturity, desperation, or lack of self-worth ~ I was deeply attracted to someone who has been, is, and would go on being extremely bad for me. If she could, she could well spell my doom, for in many ways she is a witch.
I needed to open my eyes and understand the extent of my bondage before I could begin to see a way out. Escaping from a black widow is not the easiest thing for a man to do. I was caught in an unhealthy unproductive place, ignorant of the truth and its implications. I was obsessed by a person, the idea of her, a pattern of behaviour and the booze that went along with it. Even in the midst of everything I knew it was all bad for me. I had severe doubts in my own future, and dark thoughts of my own demise.
It will be all right, now that I have realised that I don’t always have to pay for my past mistakes. I had a false picture of myself and the situation I was in, but now I can hold fast to the best vision of who I am and the man I shall become.
Now I have freed myself from constant deep humiliation I can know resurrection, renewal and revival, my long-dormant inner man coming back to life.
Despite everything, this is a time for me to be happy, joyous, and free.
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
six times I traveled to Southern California to meet my own nightmare
Don’t Worry, Be Happy
happiness is what we find at the end of the road
Right now, this minute, I’m damn happy. I have walked away from the person who was making me miserable, and you can make no more positive step on the road to happiness than that.
Not the Bob Marley original, but a happy version nevertheless.
Don’t worry, be happy.
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be
Scenes on Sunday ~ Road Trip
keep cool ~ drive a Mustang convertible
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
California, a Mustang
and the girl riding shotgun
it doesn’t get any better than that
Baring My Soul
to let go of the past, we first have to accept it
just one of the cars, just one of the hotels
For more than five years I was in a dysfunctional relationship with a woman I believed I cared for very deeply. Just about everything you can imagine being wrong, was wrong with that friendship ~ if that was what it was. And I was too willfully blind to see it. Call it lying to myself, or ignoring the obvious facts, or just call it denial. The plain truth was that because of my own unrealistic expectations, I was on a down-bound train to some very personal hell, and my conscious mind did not want to know.
My subconscious mind, my inner child knew all right. I spent years being miserable, torturing myself, and looking for some easy escape from my pain. I started to write this blog…. No that is not true, she found me through this blog, in March 2014, (or maybe earlier). What happened was that the things I started to write here changed. My posts became darker, filled with pain and angst as I tried to find some relief from my feelings. I went back to drinking, and every time my feelings got the better of me I would get the better of a few bottles of booze. I even tried therapy ~ although I never told my therapist the truth of it.
The worst thing I did was to invest more and more of myself in that one-sided relationship. I visited California often, and took my friend on great road trips, including to Wyoming to see the total eclipse of the sun. We went to some very expensive new-age seminars in Sedona AZ and Albuquerque NM. We found some great restaurants in Orange County, and breakfasted on the Queen Mary in Long Beach. I would send flowers and gifts on every possible occasion. And. I couldn’t see that everything I did made it worse.
Perhaps because I was going crazy during the coronavirus lockdown, but a couple of weeks ago I admitted to myself and others that I was in deep, deep trouble. Then I finally admitted why, and found the sense to tell my Californian friend that we needed to say goodbye.
I know that she is still in my mind, and will be for a while. But I have an Angel at my shoulder, and as long as she is watching over me I will stay free of the chains that once bound me.
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
alone again, naturally
Tunes on Tuesday ~ The B52’s
before I talk, I should read a book
You know what? I never really understood that quotation ~ unless it’s about casual sex. If it comes right down to it, I never really understood why the trash culture B52’s were so popular in the 70s and 80s, especially here in England. Unless you happen to like Big Ugly Fat Fuckers. Anyhow, I liked Love Shack back then, and I still do. Perhaps I just like shacks.
Please listen remembering back-roads America.
I also like long road trips.
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
I wonder if Biden will have much use for the BUFFs
Scenes on Sunday ~ Bear
you don’t always want to be around Big Bear
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Big Bear Boulevard
and a little bear
Monochrome Monday ~ Wilderness
the wilderness is a necessity for the human spirit
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
sometimes when you lose your way
you find your true self
Songs on Saturday ~ Against the Wind
birds fly highest against the wind, not with it
There is a part of me that yearns for the better art of my youth ~ not that I ever owned a hog, or a switchblade, or a studded leather jacket. I was a little too prudish for that. For a while I rode a 400 x 4 to work, bought and sold cars that I shouldn’t have touched with a barge pole, and knew an older woman called Janet who owned a Bonneville T120. (MBL (Married but looking.)) And BTW, if I go over the Rockies it will not be on a bike.
Please listen with skepticism, or maybe cynicism.
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
surprising ride for a married older woman
Songs on Saturday ~ Harry Chapin
you’ve never seen dark until you’ve seen dark in a coal mine
I come from a blue-collar, coal-mining, working-class background. My father worked down the pit. When I was old enough I got just as far away from that as I possibly could, and I never wanted to go back there. Hence, apart from this song I never wanted to go to Scranton Pennsylvania, the centre of what was an anthracite mining area. I think this is funny.
Scranton is on my bucket list ~ now that all the coal mines are closed. I suppose it doesn’t stink of mashed bananas any more.
Please listen with a GSOH.
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
quite the old truck wreck
Monochrome Monday ~ Zzyzx
some places are even emptier than the back of beyond
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
four and a half miles to nowhere
