when all that’s left are the empty promises
the sun was going down on my life
Christmas had come and gone. I couldn’t remember the New Years’s at all, time had slipped from 2019 to 2020 completely unnoticed by me. It was January 7th 2020 and I had been smashed and broken to another low rock bottom. My life was a slow-motion freight train wreck at the end of the line in a place called Hell. My mind was numb and empty, my soul was tortured by demons of my own making, my body was suffering from a lack of food and too much booze. Part of me wanted to die, part of me hoped I would die, and a small part of me entertained dark thoughts of painless suicide. Walking into the cold North Sea would kill me, but that would mean I had to get out of bed, leave the garret, and walk the hundred or so yards to the beach. That was never going to happen.
But something happened. Call it sheer bloody mindedness, call it being protected by a guardian angel, call it the universal unconscious helping me, but I did something positive. It took a while.
First I got myself out of bed, went to the kitchen counter and poured a half-full bottle of vodka down the drain. Thought about coffee, but I knew I’d throw up. Drank some water, threw up.
Bathroom and alcoholic constipation hurts. Stood under the shower in my filthy clothes and stripped naked there, soaped up some. No chance of my risking a wet shave.
Got dry and left the wet towels in the middle of the garret, on the floor, discarded at random.
Combed my hair, got dressed in clean clothes, even clean socks. Looked at the clock, it was just on half-past-six, and I didn’t know if it was morning or evening, nor did I know what day it was.
Collapsed into my armchair, exhausted and shaking. Sat there for a long time staring at the wall, my mind empty, my soul in pain. I could see scuttling things out of the corner of my eye I knew weren’t real, weren’t there at all. Electric shave.
After a long long while I made myself a coffee, felt like throwing up but didn’t. I knew that somewhere out there someone or something was sending me all good wishes.
My thoughts and feelings were being led by demons down a dark road that only led to bad things, so I picked up my tablet as a distraction. Tried to play solitaire, not enough concentration. Instead I read some posts by the very special people I follow. I read a post by Rhapsody Boheme about The Wolf Moon, and the special things that could happen then ~ transformation, renewal, rebirth….. And here, The Wolf Moon was at 19:21 hrs on January 10th, 2020. I resolved to stay sober until then. Before then I would clean the garret, only demons will enter a place that looks like a pig-sty.
At around 19:15 on January 10th I darkened the garret, lit some scented candles, and put some soothing music on the record player.
19:21 on Friday January 20th, 2020 a sense of peace I had not known ever before in my tortured existence, the music playing was The Memory Of Trees by Enya; the simple vocal refrain on that instrumental track is Be Yourself. It was a profound message, and I knew exactly what it meant.
My life hasn’t been the same since. My life is different and better, and improving day by day, hour by hour, and something or someone is still guiding me. If you are suffering as I was, I know that you can have that too. Nobody with even an ounce of goodness in their soul is abandoned forever.
infinity came for me and lifted me up
endings and beginnings, birth and rebirth, change and transformation
It’s been a while since I touched the tarot, and yet today I was moved to take out the deck and draw a card ~ my card for today. I was expecting something from the minor arcana. Completely at random, from 78 cards I drew Death.
The Death card heralds the ending of one phase of life to make way for a new one. It represents major change and transformation. The Death card can release me from people, places, things, thoughts, and beliefs that are no longer useful in my life, but which I have been hanging on to because I feared change, I feared the unknown. Another symbol which goes alongside the Death card is The Phoenix.
Given everything that’s happened to me already in 2020, and in years past, I’m now more than ready to be honest, open, sincere, and caring of myself and others. I am looking forward to taking a new path towards a new distant horizon.
I have been given the opportunity for major growth and learning. I intend to grasp that opportunity with both hands, and all of my heart and soul.
Dawn, the end of night, a new beginning
and one man in his time plays many parts
The most profound truths sometimes come in a very simple message, and the message I had at the exact time of the Full Wolf Moon last evening was; Be Yourself. And the strange thing is I know exactly what that means to me.
I have had a lot of practice at being half a hundred other people, of wearing a mask, of fitting-in, playing the role I was expected to play ~ but I can’t ever remember being myself. It’s always been too dangerous.
However, from this time on I will no longer be the Man people expect me to be, I will no longer play the role I am expected to play. This is a new road, towards a new horizon, walked by a man different to the man I was before, and the man I was before was never me.
For the past few days I have been struggling with who I used to be, and the knowledge that I both wanted and needed to be a different man living a different life. But I didn’t know what, why, when, how, nor where, nor who. I had the need, the desire, I wanted to be both different and better, but I didn’t have a direction, nor did I have a plan. For some reason I knew things were going to change soon.
Then yesterday I learned that there was going to be a Wolf Moon, and that it was going to mean things to me ~ I wrote about that.
Last evening I darkened the garret save for some appropriately scented candles, put on some atmospheric music, and sat myself down to wait, my mind open, my heart and brain in harmony. And at just about 19:21 hrs, the exact time of the full moon, I received the strongest possible message, and I knew it was right and I knew exactly what it meant.
Do you know there is a vocal refrain in the opening track from the Enya album The Memory of Trees? Do you know what that repeated refrain is? It’s Be Yourself.
I heard that and I understood.
I will not be the man in the mirror anymore. I will not be a different guy with different people in different situations. I will no longer be a people-pleaser, nor will I be a macho-man, nor devil-may-care, or the life and soul of the party, or a boyfriend, good citizen….. All of the dozens of roles we play day by day, and all of the different acts we put on, will be left behind. For playing all of those roles was making me very sick, because I believed them and they were all false. From now on I shall be myself, and only myself.
Some say they have lost their sense of identity. And that their career has taken over their lives. All I know is I will stand alone and I will be myself.
today there is a new horizon
I was a wolf, and she was my moon.
Here in England the first full moon of 2020 occurs at 19:21 hrs on January 10th, and the January full moon is known as The Wolf Moon. There will also be a full lunar eclipse. Leaving aside the astronomy; at this time I need to be communicative, expressive, honourable, objective, and resourceful. I need to consider my options and opportunities in life. This is the end of a journey that began years ago, a time to release something that up until now I was not ready to let go of, so I also need to look deeply inward..
This full moon I will release any energy, attachments, thoughts, emotions, and relationships that no longer serve my best interests. People, places, and things that have been toxic for me will no longer be part of my life. In time I will set new intentions and develop a different life from that which has gone before.
I release all the things from my past that have caused my negative attachments. I prepare and welcome new changes, new lessons, and new adventures. I welcome new opportunities to grow physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Some say there are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. And that only a true wolf will fall in love with the moon. All I know is that just because I’m on a different path, it doesn’t mean I’m lost.
it’s time for me to take a hard look at relationships
(Funny how things work out. Until I read Rhapsody Boheme’s blog today I didn’t even know there was a full moon tonight. And yet, if you have been reading my blog over the past few days you will know that the spiritual significance of this Wolf Moon is exactly where I am in my life’s journey.)
also called Beaver Moon, the November full moon shone yesterday
The November 12th / 13th full moon is a dream moon, and has the power to bring your intimate relationships into sharper focus. Opposing forces such as work versus home, or what you want versus what you really need, or the state of your romantic affairs, will be shown in any dream you can remember. If your dreams give any insight, then understanding and communicating your feelings with clarity and sensitivity will become possible through strong intuition ~ if you have courage and fortitude.
This is a time of incredible emotional opportunities, but also a time when struggles in relationships might lead into wrong and misunderstood conversations, and thus the ending of things with a once-loved one. A lot of tenderness, hard work, and patience will be needed to overcome conflicts, differences of opinion, and pointless arguments. If handled correctly and logically, with self-discipline and diplomacy, the turmoil will just blow over and you will receive the rewards you deserve for your hard work and efforts.
If you believe at all in the effects of the full moon on your affairs, and if you can interpret your own dreams, then you may also believe in other mystical and spiritual practices such as astrology, numerology, and the tarot. Well, in astrology the key signs for this full moon are that it’s in Scorpio and the opposing sign is Taurus. In numerology this full moon falls just after 11:11. And as for the tarot, you would need to have a personal reading.
For me, this is a time to make some important choices as far as intimate relationships are concerned, but before I can resolve anything, I first of all need to deal with some conflicts, negative emotions, and ghosts from the past. These echoes of the past are not just mine, but are also carried by some others I am close to. But the past can only hurt you if you let it. To make things work I know that I will have to do whatever it takes, without reservation, and without allowing my chaotic, dark, uncontrollable, negative emotions to get in the way.
Some say that spirituality, mysticism, and religion are all just bunkum. And that unless you can see and touch something it doesn’t exist. All I know is that there are powers greater than me in this cosmos.
don’t let this full moon trap you in the prison of your own negative emotions.
we dream in colours borrowed from the sea and the sky
the peace of a winter’s morning
the fundamental interconnectedness of all things
darkness unfolds into morning
the moonlight shines though
what am I to you?
Once I knew her
then she knew me
losing yourself means accepting what others think of you
in your bad dreams
in your worst nightmares
in dark desolate loneliness
when all seems lost and hopeless
be yourself because there is no one else
in the starry, starry night
be yourself ~ there is nobody else
your dark dream returns out of love
For some reason I have hardly ever remembered my dreams for a long while. I would like to say that I haven’t been dreaming at all, but I don’t think that’s even possible. I’ll come back to that point in a while. Yesterday morning I did recall the vivid dark dream I had, and I remembered it well enough to describe my dream to a close friend.
Me, wandering alone, in a desolate landscape. It was not some desert, nor an icy wasteland, the desolation was very near and all around where I lived as a young boy, in a coal mining village, in the North East of England. Spoil heaps, abandoned railway tracks, neglected and rusting machinery, an abandoned quarry….. I think I was content in my solitary wandering. Then, after a while I met some people I didn’t know well. There was conflict between us in what seemed like a hospital, or school, or some such other place of officialdom. There was more to the dream but not so well remembered.
For some reason I recalled that dream again late last evening ~ and it was then I remembered I had been having that same or dream for years, perhaps for decades. It is my recurring dream of desolate isolation and conflict with officialdom. And perhaps for the me in my dream officialdom would be my parents, carers, and teachers.
I can do no better here than give you a quote;
Recurring dreams usually mean there is something in your life you’ve not acknowledged that is causing stress of some sort. The dream repeats because you have not corrected the problem. Another theory is that people who experience recurring dreams have some sort of trauma in their past they are trying to deal with. ~ Lee Ann Obringer
I suffer from a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), many doctors, psychologists and the like believe that BPD is the result of childhood trauma that has not been acknowledged and is causing severe stress. My dream may be my subconscious mind telling me that I need to deal with my past, back to when I was a boy, in a pit village, wandering alone in desolation.
The exact details of your recurring dreams does not matter so much because they will change over time. What matters is the emotion, the impression, the theme.
Today I woke at 03:15. I do not remember dreaming. Quite often I wake at about half-past-three in the morning. I believe that I am waking myself just before I am about to experience my recurring dream. I believe I am afraid of what is in my dream, and that something is protecting me, preventing me from having that dark dream tonight.
Some say that they never have dreams. And others say that they can never remember their dreams beyond a few moments. All I know is that my recurring dark dream of desolation and conflict has stayed with me my whole life.
in the dark moonlight
our past returns
There are more things in Heaven and Earth
Than are dreamt of in your philosophies
At heart I am a skeptic who refuses to believe without direct personal experience, or hard evidence that what I have been told is indeed true. More than that, I am a practical, engineering, Newtonian Physics kind of Englishman who does not take charlatans, fools, and knaves kindly. I give no credence whatsoever to alien encounters, flat earthers, or people who believe that the Pyramids were built by men from other star systems.
So what am I doing trusting in such things as divination, precognition, and spooky connections? Why do I have and use a pack of tarot cards, am in constant close contact with my personal astrologer, would walk ten-thousand miles to avoid a ouija board, and believe that kissing a witch in the moonlight is more than just a kiss?
If it comes right down to it, why do I believe that there are such beings as witches?
Well, recently Victoria, my personal astrologer and tarot reader, wrote to me;
You are now venturing on another important evolutionary step on your life path to discover what you are truly capable of, and realizing that you have an immense inner power! Part of your life path is discovering what this power is, unearthing this power from the depths of your heart and soul, and knowing how you can use it in the various areas of your daily existence. ~ Victoria
Not so long ago I would have utterly rejected those words.
Now, I’m pretty certain that Victoria has a gift, and that she knows what she’s talking about.
I’m better at denial than most, and my mind is more closed than even most Englishmen of my generation, but looking back on my life I can see some hard evidence that I have abilities most others do not.
For example; it’s not just that I can tell when people are lying to me, or know when they have falsehoods in their soul….. my ability to read people is far deeper than that, and I used it unashamedly when I worked in banking and finance. And, that’s as much as I’m going to say about my ‘…..immense inner power…..’
What I will tell you is that everyone who reads this blog is a unique individual who deserves to receive much more recognition and respect for who they innately are, and for the good they do in this world.
Some say that they do not feel as much in charge of their own destiny as they could and should be. And, that there are people and situations preventing them from accomplishing all that they deserve and desire. All I know is that everyone reading this is stronger than others believe.
the ultimate and impalpable strength
of the Divine Feminine