humiliation scars deeper than the lash
renting a Mustang does not alleviate humiliation
It is only very recently that I have had the courage to take a long, hard look at my life. The implications of my actions over recent years are severe. Obsession, overindulgence in the wrong people and things, dissipation, confusion, despair, joylessness are what mark my days. A struggle with addiction to alcohol. The proximate cause of that addiction ~ an unhappy destructive toxic affair. The waste of time, money, and love now weigh heavily on my mind.
And yet, I was very unwilling and almost unable to finally break that bond ~ a bond that had no future except walking deeper into the dark slough of despond. Call it sexual immaturity, desperation, or lack of self-worth ~ I was deeply attracted to someone who has been, is, and would go on being extremely bad for me. If she could, she could well spell my doom, for in many ways she is a witch.
I needed to open my eyes and understand the extent of my bondage before I could begin to see a way out. Escaping from a black widow is not the easiest thing for a man to do. I was caught in an unhealthy unproductive place, ignorant of the truth and its implications. I was obsessed by a person, the idea of her, a pattern of behaviour and the booze that went along with it. Even in the midst of everything I knew it was all bad for me. I had severe doubts in my own future, and dark thoughts of my own demise.
It will be all right, now that I have realised that I don’t always have to pay for my past mistakes. I had a false picture of myself and the situation I was in, but now I can hold fast to the best vision of who I am and the man I shall become.
Now I have freed myself from constant deep humiliation I can know resurrection, renewal and revival, my long-dormant inner man coming back to life.
Despite everything, this is a time for me to be happy, joyous, and free.
six times I traveled to Southern California to meet my own nightmare