Toxic Dysfunctional Relationships

you are allowed to walk away from people that hurt you

finding ways to cope is no answer

I am guessing that everyone reading this has been in at least one toxic and dysfunctional relationship in their life.  Some of us may have been in abusive relationships, and abuse includes mental, verbal, financial, sexual, and physical.  The questions are not how we got into a bad relationship in the first place, but why we stayed in that friendship, affair, partnership, marriage long after it became painful and destructive?  It’s like a kind of insanity, but a craziness where the victim actually knows they are insane.

It begins with just not knowing, not realising, how bad things are, and having no idea how much worse they are going to get.  Trust me, no matter how bad things are, they will get worse, and then even worse than that.

Then, when we do know something bad we find ourselves just not believing it.  We don’t believe that our partner stole from us, cheated on us, or just doesn’t care about us.  Disbelief is different from Denial.  Disbelief is thinking the weather girl is wrong when she says there’s going to be a hurricane.  Denial is refusing to accept that the weather outside is as bad as it ever gets, even when the rain is lashing down and the winds are over 80 mph.  Dysfunctional relationships always go from disbelief to denial.

Then, when we know and mostly accept that our partner is an avaricious bitch, an alcoholic slut, an uncaring bastard, a narcissistic liar, a sadistic abuser we begin to rationalise things and make bargains.  We make bargains with our partner; ‘please don’t do that again…..’ and we make bargains with ourselves; ‘if he / she does that again I’m walking out…..’  That can go on for years, the bargains and rationalisations will change, but in reality it’s that we can’t bring ourselves to walk away.  It might be that despite everything we still care for / love her or him.

It gets worse.  We may stay in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship out of a sense of duty, or because we have nowhere else to go.  Nowhere else to go might mean physically and financially, or it might mean we believe that any relationship, no matter how bad, is preferable to no relationship at all. Half a loaf is better than no bread…..

Take it from one who has just walked away from a woman, that it’s better to have no companion at all than to stay with someone who either takes pleasure in hurting you, or just doesn’t care at all.


jack collier


walk away and never look back

22 responses

  1. Wow, these could have been my own words of what I’ve been going through for the past few months, or should I say 3 years and the LAST round. I finally see it very clearly now, rather than thinking he’s changing, or being in denial. NOT fun, but something I had to go through to finally get this out of my system and move on. Hope you are doing ok Jack. Feel free to contact me anytime since we seem to be going through the same thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Suddenly I am doing rather well. I said goodbye to my ‘friend’ in late October, and for a little while I suffered and cried, (strong men aren’t afraid to cry). But now it’s like I’ve come out of a dark dungeon into the bright warm sunlight.
      Most people don’t want to change, especially most men don’t want to change, so if he was making you unhappy he’d go on making you unhappy into the far future, and never believe that he’d ever been less than perfect.
      Good for you for moving on. It isn’t easy at first, but the pain of goodbye is better than the pain of staying in a dysfunctional relationship.
      ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am glad you are in a better place now. I never thought I’d ever get over him and I think that’s why we went through another round. This time I saw things that I had always seen, but I was truthful with myself instead of convincing myself he really did care underneath all the BS. I saw that anything loving or kind he did was actually not care for me, but acts to keep me around so he was not lonely. He knew what I wanted and pretended to be that. I tend to bend over backwards for people I love and I did that for him, at the expense of losing myself and getting breadcrumbs in return. But thankfully, I see it as it is this time, rather than not having closure on all the confusion. I did not want to do another round with him, but he quit drinking whiskey and replaced it with pot which made me think he could be on the way to recovery. This led to the same thing but instead of a happy go lucky drunk that ghosted me, I got a quiet choking TVaholic in his ego. At least the drunk was fun and open with his feelings. Sometimes he’d go without it all and couldn’t function in life. So in the end, this person doesn’t know who he is or what he wants. He only knows he doesn’t want to be lonely and found someone that genuinely cared and made him feel good. There was nothing about love for me. Oh well, live and learn. Yes, it is painful (and life-sucking) to stay in a dysfunctional relationship. Somehow, seeing it as it is took the pain away and helped me release it. Also going through so much drama and most of the time feeling crazy helped me appreciate my peaceful healthy life being single, and not miss him. I’m in Al Anon now and it really helps me understand, and have compassion for addicts, at the same time as working on my behaviors that stemmed from the craziness of being in relationship with an alcoholic. I have a long ways to go, but am making small progress with myself. <3<3<3

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m happy that you’ve found Al Anon ~ hoping that you find help, comfort, and companionship there. As they say; ‘One day at a time….’ It might take a while before you are joyous, happy, and free, but at least you are rid of the millstone around your neck. If you still miss him at all, then those feelings will fade and disappear with time.
          Switching from booze to pot is no solution for an alcoholic that ghosted you ~ and probably worse. Switching from one addiction to another cures nothing. Honestly I can think of little worse than a pot smoking, TVaholic, who I guess was a bit of a slob by that time.
          It seems that this guy cared for nobody but himself, and that he didn’t care very much for himself either.
          The world is a beautiful place if we but open our eyes to see.
          Love and Hugs ❤ ❤ ❤

          Liked by 2 people

        2. Talk with me if you wold like a long~distance friend. ❤

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I would love to be a long distance friend ❤

            Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s a quite a detachment sort of who knows just know I am a pretty okay female that perhaps needs to resist the temptations, see I did it again, resist and be a pessimist? No? Okay, I will shushhh now.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. There is usually no need to resist anything, so long as you are honest about what you do, and maybe be honest about why you do it.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s three in the afternoon here.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. As I am studying I now work afternoons and nights some days at a local ale house in perth

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for ignoring my comments I tend to be a little rude apologises

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would never ignore your cogent comments. But sometimes I have to think about what you’ve said before I reply, and sometimes my reply will be in the form of a new post. 😉 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh dear, I’m working on my manners something tells me I can be a little crass. I think it has alot to do with how I feel about myself these days more. Sex isn’t a topic I would use as a weapon, in fact that is a lie jack. Sigh, hmm, I will use my comments better, clearer, I get there I suppose it’s a mechanism, to deflect ppl.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. So you would use sex as a weapon?
          You’re interesting. ❤


          1. Would I? Or have I? A weapon that’s a bit harsh nope can’t say I do

            Liked by 1 person

  4. One of the most beautiful song I have ever listened to that tells a tale that life is about being open, honest, real, authentic if you wish, walking alone is something I know extremely well, sometimes life isn’t as painted with just black and white. Grey is a beautiful colour sometimes those you love know no better so we come into peoples lives to show what it is like to love with shades of grey and silence of huge bellows of love which isn’t something that is easy for some.

    Words are very loud even when your silent Jack, to love is to loose, to love is to open up to love is to be venerable and sometimes it is to be hurt, to whisper is to the sound of silence.

    Yes, your right, when the days become harder then the time will be to leave.

    I am not someone that is scared of being on my own I am only doing the best and sometimes even I am the devil that walks this earth with promises of living a life full of love yet it scares the shit out of me to be let down yet again.

    No-ones perfect in this life… yet, we find ourselves searching for that perfect fit… we need to understand that perfection doesn’t exist… what does exist is forgiveness being open to change and to understand that we are all unique and gifted and venerable and scared and fragile and most of all we are human beings living on this planet that seems so damn difficult to love it yet we have no other choice but, to forgive it.. so what is the difference between the floor we walk on and the people that we meet?

    A courage to change, well, that is up to those that walk it… listen to it and believe in it…. what is love without feeling it’s good, its bad and its beautiful…

    Walk away yes we all could do that, if those we invest in are not worthy… be careful that those that are loving you differently are in fact teaching you something about you… we are attracted to our own selves… to love is to be in love with oneself and to be in love with another you have to see something about you in them…xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s a beautifully disturbing version of ‘The Sound Of Silence’ ~ I’d never heard ‘Courage To Change’ before. Thank you for those ❤
      Some say that when something isn't working it's time to do something else. And that you can't make a Lady out of a slut. All I know is that, in the relationship I just walked away from, I did the very best I could.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. jacko, your honesty is superb, nope you can’t , a slut, silly word really, if a women cannot open up with a man that she loves and visa versa, then you are with the wrong lady gal. Life is a gift to give and receive how you both do it is really your private business and if that is too hard to even have a bit of fun then what is life without those naughty moments that a couple can do together. I must admit I also must say, its the fun of saying, that is vile, Jack you suck, however, not a bad try my dear friend…lol try harder.. that is the type of chin wagging naughty play couples should have…. everything else isnt anyones business…unless your in a car park while others could be lerking that could be dicey.. I would never do such things.. that dont impress me much…

        take it away you confusing women….

        Not even the lovely naughty brad pitt impresses her..shit man…. come on BRAD PITT impresses me… well, from afar… that is…xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. And by the way you Can make a lady be anything with the right male… that is in a loving relationship that does impress me much… see its just a word Jack.. that’s all it is really xxx happy Saturday hun x

        Liked by 1 person

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