of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are our own fears
Many relationships are characterised by a lack of complete trust and a fear of really deep intimacy. These relationships operate at a superficial level with neither partner fully accepting, believing, or understanding the other. It could be that the couple have only been dating for a short while, or it could be that they have been married for years. Every and any degree and type of couple and relationship can exist with one or both partners fearing complete intimacy. Or if it’s a wider relationship several people may be feared and several may fear complete intimacy.
There seemed to be endless obstacles preventing me from living with my eyes open, but as I gradually followed up clue after clue it seemed that the root cause of them all was fear. ~ Joanna Field.
It could be that one or more in a relationship has secrets about the past that they don’t ever want to share ~ in which case that fear of intimacy and vulnerability will most likely stay with them forever. They will never share their true self with another person, least of all their partner. This is actually a fear of themselves.
In some relationships there is also genuine and real fear of one partner for another. This could be caused by;
- Verbal Abuse, up to and including being screamed and sworn at.
- Physical Abuse, up to and including beatings and murder.
- Sexual Abuse, up to and including rape.
- Neglect, both physical and emotional.
- Mental or physical illnesses.
- Substance abuse, do not expect an alcoholic or drug user to ever behave rationally.
- Theft, miserliness, impulsive spending, cheating, promiscuity.
Those who fear intimacy, or fear their partner, will often look for ways of interacting safely with other people. This can lead to serial adultery, joining weird groups and cults, hanging out in bars, casual sex, and looking for much older / younger sexual partners.
A characteristic of fear in a relationship is that there will be great difficulty in talking openly, of expressing wants, needs and desires, of being accepting and understanding. This feeds into a vicious circle of unfulfilled needs as well as less and less trust. In that kind of dysfunctional relationship there will be little communication, lots of accusations, and hardly any physical contact. There will also be a complete unwillingness to accept any degree of uncertainty whatsoever.
I’ve been in a dysfunctional and toxic relationship, and it killed my mind and soul long before I got out ~ and getting out to start anew is probably the only cure.
Some say they are cautious of people whose deeds don’t match their words. And that they are constantly upset, hurt, and wanting to break down and cry. All I know is relationships are supposed to make us happy, smile, laugh, and build good memories of great times.
some have very good reasons
to have memories of bad times