It seems that I am still very unwell

the infinite elation, pain, and terror of a psychological illness

friendless and nowhere to go but here

About a month ago I was in hospital, and so ill that the nurse said that I looked like a bad advertisement for death.  I had lots of scans, tests, and examinations, some treatment, and after a few days I was discharged, supposedly fit and healthy.  I believed I was cured of my ills ~ I don’t believe that anymore.  I think I’m still very unwell.

Whatever ails me does not seem like a physical illness ~ I’m still meeting my 10,000 steps a day meditative walking target, I’m not sitting in the armchair all day, too knackered to do anything but watch TV, I haven’t taken myself to bed, and I’m not on any medication at all.  I don’t think my body is sick, I think it’s my mind.

(I take some of that back, when I comes right down to it I’m physically not that strong.)

I have a very strange set of unmatched symptoms.  To begin with there is the red V shaped mark on my forehead.  It’s prominent, angry looking, and if you met me it’d be the very first thing you noticed.  I’ve had that red V shape appear on my forehead ever since I was a young boy, and it has always been a certain sign that I was pretty poorly.

It’s like having the mark of Cain, and it tells me that in one way or another I’m fucked.

The headache I’ve got now I’ve had for three or four days.  Everything I eat tastes like cardboard, (apart from chocolate).  And I’m dropping things; keys, books, a full mug of coffee, (that makes a hell of a mess), and this morning while I was doing the laundry I dropped the electric iron.  That thing was plugged-in and hot, but I didn’t want it hitting the tiled floor in my kitchen pointy end first, so I caught it before it hit the tiles.  How the fuck I had the presence of mind to catch the iron by its power-chord I have no idea, but I did and I didn’t get burned.

Oh, and another thing, I am saying and writing the F word a lot, (and a few other choice cuss words), and that is just not the polite English Gentleman I am usually.

Generally I feel like a young boy who has been sent to see the school headmaster for a dressing-down and some corporal punishment, and that young boy hasn’t a clue what he’s done wrong, or why he’s being punished.

You know what?  I think I haven’t been so well lately.

Some say that the sick never truly lose the chaos within.  And that a sick thought can devour your being more thoroughly than a fever.  All I know is the bravest thing I ever did was continue to live when I wanted to die.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

feeling like that lost little boy today

 

19 responses

  1. As a man once told me, focus on the good things. Like the fact that you know something is off. Some people don’t even know when something is off. My aunt was having an episode of something she didn’t know it. She was talking funny and not seeing the correct colors. She did not know this. She though everything was ok and something was wrong with everyone else..(weird huh). Tell your Dr something is off. Could be something as simple as sinus or allergy problem. Good luck Jack. You will be fine

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Darling. I know I’ll be fine. And I have a full health check this Wednesday 💖

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It takes time for the body to heal after being so ill. Rest! Sending healing energy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Magic Mermaid Your spirituality reaches and enriches me. Thank you. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are very welcome 🙂 The moonlight meditation that I mentioned when you were in the hospital will help.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Meditation will be good tonight. 💗

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Jack, it takes courage to talk about our feelings… but you’re feeling unwell is your body/mind feeling all the changes that are taking place now on the physical level… no doubt you’re gone through feeling many new insights are changing the way you see the world… now it’s time for everything to integrate into the physical! Literally your whole body/mind goes through a rewiring, reconstruction as your dna 🧬 naturally transmute to its original state❤️ I’ve written much about my experience in my blog posts and book… and although at some stages you feel like you’re going insane, it’s all part of this grand shift as humankind evolve or maybe even devolve back to their original light presence. You can’t fight it, it only makes it worse, just breathe take lots of rest and putting yourself first do things you like with people that you like. You’ll find your whole life will continue to change. Trust your body/mind it knows exactly what to do!
    Knowing this natural ascension process is happening just like it’s supposed to should relax you and embrace it all❤️ you might find you need to change what you eat and drink too… as your body becomes more and more light… sensitive🥰 much love, Barbara

    Liked by 2 people

    1. On this blog I write what is in my heart, and sometimes it’s brutal and painful truths, and right now parts of my world are completely upside-down and back to front. I suspected that I wasn’t feeling quite right, but I didn’t know until I saw the red V mark on my forehead. That’s always a bad sign.
      Perhaps my brain is rewiring itself, and my mind could be going through a period of reconstruction and repair. I wasn’t thinking that I might be going crazy, at times I was fairly convinced of it. There is no way in this reality that I could possibly fight whatever is happening to me, all I can possibly do is accept the changes, and observe what my mind and body are doing / going through / suffering.
      I suspect that for a while food will just be fuel, and that my tastes in food will change ~ stuff that tastes like cardboard isn’t pleasant, and I can’t live on chocolate.
      Barbara, thank you for your kind and insightful thoughts and words.
      Love to you, from my heart ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I am here for you 💖 God gave me a special gift Jack it was a big heart and love and compassion and I use it! I will be here for you!! 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your heart is a gentle as the brush of a butterfly’s wing; your presence in my life is uplifting, your healing thoughts will help ti make me whole. Thank you Angel. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Beautiful❤ wow!! Thank you jack!! I am always here to support you and will always be there if you need me!💖😘

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Hang in there for the better days ahead. More power to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words.

      Like

  6. Jack i know what is going on your body is adjusting to all the changes! I will email you! Hang in there do not go backwards! I am here!! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glitzy Mommy you always make me feel good. You truly are an Angel. 💖

      Liked by 1 person

  7. A courageous post. Prayers for light in the darkness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your prayers Sweetheart. With your help I am certain that I will get better soon. 💞

      Liked by 1 person

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