Down and Troubled

the trouble with introspection is that is has no end

my mood today

Still in hospital ~ I’m pretty down, depressed, and very troubled.  Nothing seems to be going right for me ~ excepting I’m not dead and I haven’t had to have major surgery.  I have some good and caring friends on this site, and who I met through this site, but I’m certain all of them think I’m crazy.  Nothing much I can do about that other than every single day try to be a better man than I was yesterday.  I hope my friends try to understand.

Now I’m free of the catheter I was able to take a bath this morning ~ you might have no idea just how good a soak in a hot bath feels if all you’ve had in about 10 days is a bed bath.  My skin doesn’t feel madly itchy, and my hair doesn’t feel greasy and lousy anymore ~ and I had a proper wet shave.  They won’t let me wear aftershave; why is that?

I’ve seen the nutritionist, who was nice, even though she gave me a good talking-to about my previous eating habits, and especially about my getting very drunk every few weeks.  I have to completely change my lifestyle, and eat a modified Paleo diet;

  • No Alcohol at all, ever
  • lots of fruits and vegetables
  • high fibre plants and whole grains, but not legumes
  • nuts and seeds, but not peanuts
  • low fat meats and oily fish
  • very little added sugar, salt ~ and no trans fats, saturated fats, refined carbohydrates (flour)
  • no processed foods at all

But I can have black coffee and green tea.

Why do I think my whole life up ’till now has been a total failure?  But dreams can come true, if you have your dreams and you’re strong enough.

The most introspective of souls are often those that have been hurt the most.  ~  Shannon Alder

Other things on my agenda today are an ultrasound on my carotid arteries and a PET scan ~ they keep testing me for possible precancerous signs.  Thus far I’ve been lucky, apart from early-stage alcoholic fatty liver.

I also have to go for a walk today.  That should be fun, so far everywhere I needed to go in here a porter took me in a wheelchair.  If I’m going home tomorrow I’ve got to get up and get back on my own two feet again.  That’s not just walking, that’s my whole life ~ because at the moment large parts of my life are down the toilet.

Some say that if you have just one good friend then you can do anything.  And that if you truly love someone you can conquer the world. Too bad that love is blind.


jack collier

my life is merely a darkling reflection in a winter mirror

24 responses

  1. At least your butt is still cute, and here you are encouraging others through minor things in comparison, like dental problems. Get yourself well, Jack! Often time makes the biggest difference. ❤️ from the USA.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Cogent and forthright as always Crystal. I need to get well becuase right now some very important internal organs hurt like hell, I can’t think straight, and my balance is suspect. And I’m going to be discharged from hospital tomorrow.
      But thank you 💝

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs… i know how you feel i stayed in the hospital once for two weeks. Home tomorrow will be wonderful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lots of not so good news today too, but they will stil let me go home tomorrow. It will be nice to chat with you Angela 💖💖💖


  3. First off YOU WILL GO HOME TOMORROW. Most women that has had any type of surgery or just something as simple as having a baby can completely understand what it feels like to not. E able to take a shower for days and how good it does feel when you finally get to take one. Jack you are doing better. You truly are. They don’t let sick people go far a walk. Tomorrow will come and home you will go. And all that time in the hospital will feel like forever ago. Be well Jack.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sweetheart, I truly expect to go home tomorrow, I’ve been feeling much better today, up until about an hour ago, when I suddenly got tired and almost fell over backwards. The nurses made me come to bed. I might be recovering but I’m as weak as a kitten. Funny how a little walk has made me so exhausted.
      I expect that I will sleep well tonight. 🌹

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You’re going home tomorrow? Great news!!! You’re a better man than me … well, I’m not a man for one thing … but I could not do that diet! Likely wouldn’t even try, for I am a stubborn wench who doesn’t like being told what to do. 😉 I hope that you’ll feel cheerier once you get home … I think you will. Hugs! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope I’ll be going home tomorrow, but I will not know for certain until the consultant makes her rounds tomorrow.
      The diet I’ve been given doesn’t look too bad at all, except that I will have to drink my coffee black without sugar. 😕
      Right now I will do anything I’m told to if it means not thinking / wanting to just die.
      Jill, you make me feel cheerie. ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Fingers crossed that you get to go home today. I can do coffee sans sugar, but … I thought you were a tea man! Just take care of yourself, my friend. Hugs! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Coffee in the morning, tea in the afternoon and evening. Jill, I will show you how to make a good cup of tea. Come to England and we can have afternoon tea in some great old cities and towns. ❤❤❤

          Liked by 1 person

          1. You mean … pouring boiling water over a Lipton tea bag isn’t the way to make a good cup of tea? Your offer sounds like great fun, Jack! Perhaps one of these day! ❤

            Liked by 1 person

  5. Then there’s the pale eo die et. 🧛‍♂️🧛‍♂️😁 (I know, that Was Not Funny).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jan, you made me laugh. 💖

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Jack, you are not crazy! A long hospital stay is not restful and full of anxiety for everyone. Your life is not a failure!
    I do a modified Paleo diet. (I must have cream in my coffee and have yoghurt a few times during the week 🙂 ) .This diet is very easy to follow and you will notice the difference in how you feel very quickly. No change is accomplished overnight so don’t get down on yourself. You can do this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Mermaid 💖
      No milk or cream for me, but I like black coffee and green tea. I can have hard cheese. I just need to work out some recipes, but after a quick look there is a lot on the internet.
      I think the meds I’m on and the stress are making me feel unreal.
      I am so glad that you care. 🌹🌹🌹

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course I care! 🙂 Almost any recipe can be modified with healthy ingredients. I think you will do fine with this new diet and you will feel so much better. When I went almost completely gluten-free and dairy-free it was a big change. But after experimenting, I developed new recipes. I’m like a mad scientist in the kitchen 🙂


  7. the diet will be nicer than you imagine.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have a friend I found on this site, and she says she will help me with recipes. That’s very cool.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. When you go for your first walk, make sure your robe is closed in the back. 🙂 They always put that in a movie I think. You are not crazy Jack, we are all thought of as crazy at one point or another in our lives. Life is not easy, believe me I know. People are busy these days, finding a true friend can be hard. I was alone most of my life in the physical realm. Spiritually, He was always there. Just took me awhile to find out. You will be OK Jack, I have the exact quote of yours you gave me; . “You walk the road less traveled in your heart and soul. But remember this, you need never be alone”, (by Jack).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I went to the bathroom, on my own, with my arse hanging out of the back of the hospital nightshirt. Good job I have a cute butt. I feel crazy. I feel unreal and detached. Part of me knows that’s the meds and stress, but part of thinks the other realm is real. I believe I will be fine soon.
      I could be quite literary at times.
      I hope we can be true friends 💖💖💖

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I always hear you Jack in your writings, I don’t always respond, I don’t want to ever give bad advice. Like they say wisdom comes from experience. We both made it this far in life. There is still life to live, one day at a time. I look at , What am I going to do today, I am not going to think of tomorrow. I will never forget those words you sent to me. You can be quite literary. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I try to write from the heart, rather than second-guessing myself. ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  9. LOL! You’re not dead yet. Scenes of Monte Python went running through my head calling to “Bring out your dead!”

    I think the ban on after shave is due to possible allergies of other patients. But I could be wrong.

    Hang in there man. Get well soon (that’s just the standard greeting card way of saying it, regardless of how you feel).

    Wishing you a speedy recovery, especially enough to Get you back on your feet, and out the door of the hospital. Not to mention a Continued healthy lifestyle. Hope the doctors manage to find what’s wrong and can develop a good treatment plan. It’s sucky when they send you home, saying they can’t find anything wrong, and only offer bandaid fixes to symptoms.

    > >

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Before I came into hospital, I went through the three stages of wishing I was dead, knowing I was dead, and just not giving a Fuck. I am much much better than that now.
      Oh, they know that I have inflammation in my kidneys, liver, pancreas, and heart. They’re just hoping it’s all caused by too much booze. If it isn’t, then I know I’m in deep shit.
      Thanks for your sagacious comment. 😕

      Liked by 1 person

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