Bitterness and Resentments

let today be the day I stop being haunted by the ghosts of the past

black lonely desolate

There are some thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and people that I no longer want to be part of my life ~ especially not this different life I am living today, the different and better life I have known since The Full Wolf Moon.  I look in the mirror and the eyes that look back at me are far to hard and brittle, too guarded, too untrusting for the man I wish to become.  Some of that is the product of my whole life, and some of it comes from what was a dysfunctional relationship, where I felt that I was giving far more than I received in return.

Truth be told, relationships are not supposed to be like that, if it’s going to work well a relationship between a man and a woman should have balance and harmony, what we are pleased to call ‘give and take’.  And, truth be told my bitterness and resentments are my own, they don’t belong to anyone else, and nobody else could have created them in me.  Like each and every single thing that happens to us, my negative feelings are things that I did to myself.  Nothing happens to us unless we allow it, up to and including being the victim of a natural disaster.  Nobody forced you to live in an earthquake zone, or where there are wildfires, and nobody forced the passengers to get on the Titanic.

Specifically my bitterness and resentments were created by some relationships I chose to enter into, and then I stayed in those relationships long past the time I should have just walked away without looking back.  Some people are toxic, and while people may change, the memory of that toxicity will live on…..

I do not want any of that in my life, so how do I change it?  And I have no fucking idea about how to turn that around, to lose the bitterness and resentments, to lose the memories of toxic and dysfunctional relationships, to begin to innocently trust again.  I’m trying to find a way, and there’s nothing there.

All I can do is tell my conscious mind that I want a lighter and more innocent set of thoughts, emotions, and beliefs.  I want to only ever remember the good things about relationships past and present, I want to regain my sense of trust, my feeling of fun, my joy in the people I know.  I want to be in a place where I truly accept, understand, nurture, and cherish those I profess to care for.  I want my unconscious mind to pay attention and change my own hard-wired feelings and beliefs for something far better.

Some say, once bitten twice shy.  And fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.  All I know is that I would rather be an innocent fool than a guy with very hard eyes.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

a new dawn

a new hope

 

3 responses

  1. It’s beautiful that you recognize now, what you do not want to become. So many men and women don’t take the time to look at themselves and what they are becoming and just plow forward without checking in on themselves. Great job! I never want to be that person who is bitter and angry about what happened. So I look in the mirror pretty often and reflect every day.

    Like

  2. I hear what you say, and understand what you mean. Maybe women and men react differently to memories of past negative and toxic events. When those dark thoughts surface in me, they still hsve the power to tear me apart. For me the best I can do is suppress those memories, bury them deep down, and do my best to forget them.
    Thank you Darling mermaid, you are indeed magikal 🌹

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t think there is any way to completely forget about negative or toxic events that happened in the past. However, there is different way to react when those thoughts surface in the present.
    When I have one of those thoughts, I try to look at it with complete dispassion; it happened, I survived it, I’ve moved on from it. That awful event no longer matters; it has no power whatsoever. It can take a good deal of time before the thought of a past toxic event is completely meaningless. But it is worth it in the end. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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