Why I’m Still Alive

when all that’s left are the empty promises

the sun was going down on my life

Christmas had come and gone.  I couldn’t remember the New Years’s at all, time had slipped from 2019 to 2020 completely unnoticed by me.  It was January 7th 2020 and I had been smashed and broken to another low rock bottom.  My life was a slow-motion freight train wreck at the end of the line in a place called Hell.  My mind was numb and empty, my soul was tortured by demons of my own making, my body was suffering from a lack of food and too much booze.  Part of me wanted to die, part of me hoped I would die, and a small part of me entertained dark thoughts of painless suicide.  Walking into the cold North Sea would kill me, but that would mean I had to get out of bed, leave the garret, and walk the hundred or so yards to the beach.  That was never going to happen.

But something happened.  Call it sheer bloody mindedness, call it being protected by a guardian angel, call it the universal unconscious helping me, but I did something positive.  It took a while.

First I got myself out of bed, went to the kitchen counter and poured a half-full bottle of vodka down the drain.  Thought about coffee, but I knew I’d throw up.  Drank some water, threw up.

Bathroom and alcoholic constipation hurts.  Stood under the shower in my filthy clothes and stripped naked there, soaped up some.  No chance of my risking a wet shave.

Got dry and left the wet towels in the middle of the garret, on the floor, discarded at random.

Combed my hair, got dressed in clean clothes, even clean socks.  Looked at the clock, it was just on half-past-six, and I didn’t know if it was morning or evening, nor did I know what day it was.

Collapsed into my armchair, exhausted and shaking.  Sat there for a long time staring at the wall, my mind empty, my soul in pain.  I could see scuttling things out of the corner of my eye I knew weren’t real, weren’t there at all.  Electric shave.

After a long long while I made myself a coffee, felt like throwing up but didn’t.  I knew that somewhere out there someone or something was sending me all good wishes.

My thoughts and feelings were being led by demons down a dark road that only led to bad things, so I picked up my tablet as a distraction.  Tried to play solitaire, not enough concentration.  Instead I read some posts by the very special people I follow.  I read a post by Rhapsody Boheme about The Wolf Moon, and the special things that could happen then ~ transformation, renewal, rebirth…..  And here, The Wolf Moon was at 19:21 hrs on January 10th, 2020.  I resolved to stay sober until then.  Before then I would clean the garret, only demons will enter a place that looks like a pig-sty.

At around 19:15 on January 10th I darkened the garret, lit some scented candles, and put some soothing music on the record player.

19:21 on Friday January 20th, 2020 a sense of peace I had not known ever before in my tortured existence, the music playing was The Memory Of Trees by Enya; the simple vocal refrain on that instrumental track is Be Yourself.  It was a profound message, and I knew exactly what it meant.

My life hasn’t been the same since.  My life is different and better, and improving day by day, hour by hour, and something or someone is still guiding me.  If you are suffering as I was, I know that you can have that too.  Nobody with even an ounce of goodness in their soul is abandoned forever.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

infinity came for me and lifted me up

18 responses

  1. I feel like u went through the chrysalis stage and had an awakening and are now the butterfly ready to fly Jack. So wonderful🤗 Things always get worse b4 they get better 🌻

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Today I’m cool, grounded, self-aware, self-confident, strong and cool.
      Good things are happening for me. ❤

      Like

  2. […] to the best of my ability I tell you exactly what is in my heart.  The post I wrote yesterday, Why I’m Still Alive, is a case in point.  I could have dressed that story up, made myself look a little better, […]

    Like

  3. Extremely powerful, moving.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jan, it’s the unvarnished, brutal truth. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. My heart sings for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Robynbird, your words soothe my soul. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. All will be right in the end. So if it’s not right, it’s not the end.
    Someone told me that once, and it’s oddly helped me through the darkness a time or ten.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Miss Amelia 💖
      Everything says that the changes that are happening for me are to the good, and I believe that. Your words warm me and sooth my soul. Be well Sweetheart 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Jack as the first part of this left a lump in my throat and sadness in my heart I am glad its turned around…I will email you as next time you never feel that way alone you get help…💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Angel.
      Your goodness is helping me so much.
      Again today my life has been different.,,,. And much better.
      Thank you, and much love. ❤❤❤

      Like

      1. I am so relieved to hear all the positivity as your post broke my heart! I am glad that I can shed some goodness as no matter what is going on I have a lot of kindness and goodness to share ❤❤

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You bring light into my life, and I love you for that.
          I adore you for being my Angel of goodness. 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

          Like

          1. Awwwww….thanks Jack ❤ I guess Angel suits me well..😊 thank you for the nickname 😇💖

            Liked by 1 person

  7. Sometimes you just need a reminder that life is beautiful. The darkness is hard, gods, I know it is hard. Yet, without the darkness, we’d not see the light. Sort of similar to the black and white pictures you share-they often have so much more in them because they show bits and pieces not evident in color. I’m thankful I live in color, I’m thankful for shadows, even those suicidal ones. Or at least, I am today…hugs to you, my friend from afar!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Kris. It wasn’t black darkness, everything turned grey, something, someone kept me alive and made me start with the small, routine things, things I could manage, like going to the bathroom.
      Someone was guiding me, else how did I find The Wolf Moon, how did I make it there sober, and clean myself and the garret….. so many coincidences and synchronicity.
      And since then my life has been different, better, almost blessed.
      I believe that you were part of those helping me.
      Thank you again Kris. 💖💖💖

      Liked by 1 person

      1. This is incredibly kind of you-thank you and a million hugs and kisses!

        Liked by 1 person

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