change your thoughts and beliefs, change your whole life

After The Wolf Moon I took all the negativity, shame, and inferiority my parents had given me and let it all go into the mists of the past.  I took all the hurt of my life, the bullying, the failures, the lost loves, the toxic love affairs and let all that go into the mists of the past.  And then I took all of those false versions of myself, all of the chimera I had created to cope with life, all of the players I used to deal with different people in different situations and let all of those vanish into the mists of the past too.  And what was left was just myself ~ the person I had never been allowed to be, the man I’d never dared to be.

Unless you are an insane sociopath, then each and everyone of us has a subconscious filled with negative, poisonous, unhelpful memories, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs.  We did not create these demons all on our own, we had a lot of help.  Before we were seven years of age our parents, older siblings, aunts, uncles and older cousins, teachers, and every other fucking person in authority we came across planted all of these poisons in our innocent minds.  Since then, every negative situation we endured, especially when it comes to love and sex, fed and strengthened those demons.  And then the demons ruled our lives.

I can look back now, dispassionately, honestly, openly, and fully recognise what my demons did to my life, how they destroyed everything that could have been good and fine, and led me down a darker road.  I did my best to walk the warrior’s path with honour and chivalry, but I was doomed to failure as long as the demons of my past ruled my every thought, belief, behaviours, words, and deeds.

And so I tried to escape the pain through some very impulsive and stupid things, especially I retreated into booze.  If life got too hard for me to bear I would get drunk, and I don’t mean just a little bit tipsy, I mean lost weekend drunk.  You know what?  If you drink a lot then your body, brain, mind, heart, and soul come to expect and need alcohol in your bloodstream ~ which is why alcoholics can almost never, ever get sober.  I was in severe danger of drinking myself to death, and I didn’t fucking care.

And then there was The Wolf Moon, a time of renewal, redemption and rebirth, when the very fortunate may just receive some kind of message, and the message I got from my Goddess was Be Yourself.

And that leaves me with a question, just who am I?

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

my demons are locked away