recovery is something you have to work at every hour of every day
recovery from a fucked up life is a long road
As I begin to recover from my disastrous and stupid behaviour over the holidays I have been thinking about my life. In truth I am so ill that I can’t do much else than sit and think. If you’re very sick then everything is either difficult or impossible. Add to that crushing depression and you might understand that it’s an achievement for me to be out of bed, washed, shaved, and wearing clean clothes.
My thoughts are slow and faltering, but I believe they are clear, honest, and unafraid to accept the truth. And the truth is I have fucked up, big time, for years and years. I have done almost everything bad you can think of that wasn’t illegal. I haven’t stolen, taken drugs, been physically violent, gotten arrested, lived on the street…..
I have entered into several unsuitable, dysfunctional, and dishonest relationships, all of which ended very badly. I have destroyed some good and honest relationships, hurting the women involved. I did put my stupid high-flying career before relationships, friendships, and real life. I allowed my ego, my wants, needs, and my expectations to rule my life. And for a lot of the time I was drinking far too much.
How do I come back from that?
All I know is that, one day at a time, one hour at a time, I will be sober, honest, open, and avoid any conflicts. I will not build castles in the clouds dedicated to my own ego.
building this now would only be satisfying my need for instant gratification