everyone has their secret sorrows of which the world knows not

In their secret world people may have strange thoughts and imaginings.

Sometimes I might say that I have suffered from depression, and I would be gilding the lily to say that was so.  I do have a serious mental problem called Borderline Personality Disorder, and one of the symptoms is being depressed, but that’s in a different universe from severe clinical depression.  When I get depressed it lasts for a couple of hours or a couple of days, really severe clinical depression is a life-threatening illness and the major symptoms can last for months, or even years.

Being depressed is not the same as feeling sad, or having that old ennui, or just being tired and running out of steam.  Being really depressed is not being able to get out of bed in the morning, struggling to get clean and dressed, having a home that’s full of dirty dishes where fungus is evolving into new species, and your principal other has just about given up on you.

Depressed people do strange things.  Even when I was very mildly depressed I struggled with everyday living.  Simple things such as leaving the garret to go shopping were difficult ~ I solved that one by doing my shopping in the middle of the night.  Routine tasks like showering and shaving became major projects that needed planning and far more time than any normal person would think.

Real clinical depression evokes;

  • Intense feelings of sadness and hopelessness, worthlessness, emptiness.
  • Feeling like you’re wading through mud and your mind is on hold.
  • Weird physical feelings like joint pains, muscle pains, neck pain, period pain, headaches.
  • Anxiety, agitation, anger, paranoia, irritability, frustration, restlessness ~ over fuck all.
  • Loss of interest in everything, lack of energy, inability to do anything physical, up to and including masturbation.
  • Tiredness, lack of sleep, utter insomnia, nightmares, lack of awareness, inability to think straight.
  • Thoughts of suicide, threats of suicide, attempted suicide, and killing yourself.

These are but symptoms of depression, the proximate cause of which is most likely a chemical imbalance in the brain.  The good news is that most depressive illnesses are amenable to control through medication, such as an SSRI like Prozac.  The main thing is to take whatever medication you are prescribed.  The sad thing is many people don’t.

Some say that being depressed is like living life backwards.  And that depression is worse than being dead.  All I know is that saying ‘pull yourself together’ is most unhelpful.


jack collier

some say we should stop and smell the roses


19 responses

  1. Hey jack, I tried emailing you back it is saying mailer daemon or somethinh and I had to change my passworss etc? I did try to respond any idea why?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not really. I am currently blocked from using Amazon and barred for life from twitter, get your password wrong more than twice and we seem to be doomed to internet limbo. ❤


  2. I love the way you’re not afraid to share your life. Working on getting there myself. I have severe PTSD due to multiple trauma, and are now clinically depressed for maybe the third time in my life. I never thought I’d fall this far again. It’s scary that it could happen without me realising.
    And however much I know about it, getting out by myself seems impossible.

    The one thing that gives me hope is finding my way back to writing. Even though it sometimes takes all the energy I have, I’ve managed to write some pieces that lets me process past trauma.

    Hopefully there’s a way out…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know you are doing well.
      You have written articulately, and with kindness.
      You have hope, and with hope anything is possible.
      Be strong my friend, ❤❤❤


  3. Awww I sympathize sweetheart my son has bipolar depression, severe ADHD and Intermittent explosive disorder as well as ODD life for me is a see saw Every day since he was 10 he is now 17.. it’s a hard road but with therapy medication and accepting setbacks you can be happy! You have a friend over here if needed 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, and I sympathize.
      I dont take medication, it has no effect on the strong personality disorder I have.
      What works is fucking everyday self-confidence, self-discipline, and a touch of humility.
      I would love to count you as a friend. 💖

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hear you! The medication for my son I didnt start until about a year ago and there is not much difference I am sorry to say. I have done every psychologist and pyschrtirist as well as behavioral therapists all kinds of programs the church everything you can think of. I gave up my job and work part time to support my son honestly it has taken a toll on my health our house our lives and my son. If you need humility a friend someone who lives it I am that one! And you got a friend 💜 and I know that with time even though it is a battle despite what people think you will overcome it!!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I am far, far better than I was just a very short time ago. Knowing that I was ill, knowing the how and they why, made me feel much better. Now I am recovering I am aware of just how far I had gone down the road of self-destruction, and it wasn’t pretty.
          I will support you and your son to the very best of my abilities.
          you have my email
          any time ❤


          1. Your strong! It takes a strong person to admit all that you have I will email you and give you my personal email! And thank you and likewise. Give me a bit and I will email you! ❤


  4. “Just change your attitude and make yourself happier,” is one of my favorite suggestions. If ONLY I had thought of that! 🙄
    Depression isn’t an attitude adjustable thing, but if you don’t suffer, I’m sure you can’t understand that completely.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Those who don’t know, don’t know.
      I am glad that my depression is a mild and transitory thing.
      Hugs Sweetheart ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. HUGS back to you too Sir 💋

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I adore that you like me ❤ ❤ ❤

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Why wouldn’t I like you? You are a fascinating man. I SO appreciate how you are sharing your struggles. I don’t suffer from BPD, but I do suffer from depression. Knowing I’m not alone helps. 😊

            Liked by 1 person

  5. have you seen the film, melancholia?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No, but it sounds like I should.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Director described his depression liking walking knee deep everywhere through mud. But in the end the depressed person might actually be better off in the face of catastrophe

        Liked by 1 person

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