Living With a Personality Disorder

living with a personality disorder is to live in toxic confusion

Our personalities are made up of how we are programmed to feel, think, and then what we do about those thoughts and feelings.  A personality disorder means that your emotions, thoughts, and actions cause devastating and long-lasting problems in your life.  I have suffered from a serious personality disorder for most of my life ~ so serious that it qualifies as a severe mental health problem.  The symptoms manifest as character defects such as anger, jealousy, paranoia…..  in fact just find a list of character defects and from time to time I’ve had them all.  There are some more serious symptoms than that, up to and including a 10% chance of suicide.

The only way for me to live a life of genuine and long-lasting happiness and success is for me to work on my character and personality, particularly those areas I’d prefer to hide.  Overcoming and eliminating flaws in my character and defects in my personality is not easy ~ trust me it’s fucking very difficult.  I’ve been carrying this personality disorder around with me since my early childhood, and the character defects are hard-wired into who I am, or rather who I was.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is who you really are, while your reputation is merely who others think you are.  ~  John Wooden.

There are some simple tests that can tell me who I am, and exactly what borderline personality disorder has done to me.  However, I have found that I need to constantly watch myself and remember what I see, what have I done that was utterly inappropriate?  and why?  When do I have to attempt to suppress my emotions?  and when do I have to try to hide my true self?  What embarrasses me about myself?  (other than everything)  What changes have I made that worked?  and what have I tried to change that completely backfired?  or just didn’t work at all?

In moments of anger or stress the uncontrollably negative parts of my personality surface, totally destroying the carefully crafted image of a very cool guy, living a really great life, that I’ve been trying to portray.  However, in order to reprogram the defective parts of my subconscious mind I have to constantly ‘act as if’ I am that cool guy ~ it’s a form of self-hypnosis, sometimes called Habituation.  It’s acting differently to how I feel.

If you think you may have one of the 9 different personality disorders, then you need help, and your first step is to go and see your doctor.  At least you may get a proper diagnosis.  Whether or not you ever receive appropriate treatment is another matter ~ medication is inappropriate for many types of personality disorder.

If you are thinking of living with someone who suffers from a personality disorder, I wouldn’t unless you’re prepared to devote lots of time and attention, love and understanding ~ and even then I’d suggest you think twice.

Some say that having a personality disorder is like having third degree burns over 90% of their emotions.  And that if they could find a way to check-out without hurting anyone else they would.  All I know is that I am recovering from a very serious mental illness.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

it would be nice to have multiple personalities

one of them might be happy

2 responses

  1. Dear Jack,

    So much of this resonates with the personality I work with as well. While it is relieving to understand I am not alone, I still wouldn’t wish the sort of suffering we go through on anyone else and yet there are so many of us.

    A life of isolation to regulate the dis-regulation and a facade to appease the general consensus so we can have some kind of connection. I find these days my best friend and connection is my loyal Basenji dog. ❤

    I am grateful for your words and will to share. You are important and the world needs you in it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. BPD is a horrible affliction and it blights every facet of the suffer’s life;
      ‘I Hate You! Please don’t leave me…..’
      I wouldn’t wish a personality disorder on anyone, but the people we’re close to suffer too.
      Your words humble me. I am grateful to be able to help others if I can.
      Thank you, and warm thoughts ❤❤❤😎

      Like

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