Emotional Pain

we should think twice before we burn everything behind us

I suffer from a debilitating and high risk mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which often produces a lot of emotional suffering accompanied with an inability to live anything like a normal life.  Sometimes my mind feels like an abandoned building.

However, there is an odd characteristic about BPD in that suffers will often say that they either feel everything or nothing at all.  What I do know is that before today I was feeling emotionally hurt and vulnerable.

People with BPD have an exquisite vulnerability to emotions, and this susceptibility is hardwired.  ~  Shari Y. Manning, Ph.D

In the past week I have had some difficult days filled with jealousy, paranoia, and anger.  Those negative feelings do me no good at all, and when I am in that state I say and do things I later regret.  I make stupid, impulsive, and irrational decisions.  I say hurtful truths to others and feel immediate remorse.  I upset people I care for, get drunk, and think about just ending it all.  The dark side of me seeks to punish myself and everyone else.  My thoughts and perceptions become extreme, it’s black and white thinking, or what the psychiatrists call splitting.  And all of it hurts.

The pain and suffering that comes from something like Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder happens suddenly.  The pain and suffering affects every aspect of the identity; physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.  And the chaos and pain can go on, and on, and on ~ until something happens that allows some beginnings of recovery.  For some recovery begins with a proper diagnosis, treatment, and medication.  For me recovery began with admitting that I was truly ill, and then learning all I could about Borderline Personality Disorder.  For me, real recovery began with the courage to accept the mental, emotional, and spiritual pain and then decide that I don’t have to live like that anymore.

For most, the greatest pain is emotional ~ and I mean intense emotions such as anger, jealousy, regret, remorse, and hopelessness.  The mental pain experienced by those with Borderline Personality Disorder is very specific and different from the anguish suffered by those with a depressive disorder.  But there is one other mystery about BPD, it also produces high levels of physical pain, and yet the pain of self-harm is never felt at all.  This is probably due to dissociation, the shutting down of parts of the brain due to intense stress.

This is why those who suffer from intense emotional pain also self-harm ~ the physical pain they inflict upon themselves helps to negate their intense emotional suffering

Some say that Borderline Personality Disorder is an illness that revolves around pain.  And that emotional outbursts seem to come out of nowhere.  All I know is that in accepting the pain I can begin the hard work of real recovery.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

at the end of the day

even the best booze doesn’t help

 

12 responses

  1. Enlightening and perceptive observations.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You said it right…I guess the first thing to do to overcome this is admitting the illness and have the courage to do something about it!
    Big hugs ❤❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If one thinks one has a problem, then try to figure out what the problem is.
      I knew I wasn’t well, and I spent some time working out exactly how and why I wasn’t well.
      It seems that Borderline Personality Disorder is a very nasty thing to have, because it also tried to tell me that it wasn’t me who was sick, but everyone else instead.
      Courage, determination, and intelligence go a long way to helping me to recover.
      Lots of love. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I guess it takes a lot of courage too but the first step you did it!
        Sending you lots of love and hug and keep going! Never give up!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you, I appreciate your words so much.
          Your love and a hug is warming and gives me courage. ❤ ❤ ❤

          Like

  3. I’m so happy to hear you are feeling better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Princess ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Stress causes pain in the body of most people after time. Those of us who are more susceptible to stress react faster. ♥ I’m right there with you. I have chronic pain from stress, as well.

    The best thing we can do for ourselves, my friend, is be kind. No matter how bad things are, how badly we screw things up, hurt ourselves or others, damage relationships… be kind to ourselves. The healing ultimately starts there. ♥ Big hugs, Sweetie! ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Neither you nor I have been the villains in our own drama. Rather we are just collateral damage, expected to cope and pick up the pieces. We have not screwed things up nor damaged relationships, that’s been done for us. We still feel the stress, pain, and guilt. We need to be kind to ourselves. I can also be kind to you, my heart is big enough. I will always be here for you.
      Much love. ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And you, as well!! ♥ I sent you an email to get us started outside of WP.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh wow, I had no idea that the level of pain in people living with BPD can translate to physical pain as well. This makes me want to give you a giant hug, because to have the inner strength to slowly stand back up when everything inside of you is screaming not to, is courageous… beautiful… and admirable. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of yourself in this post. *Big hugs*! xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Headaches and joint pain are how BPD mostly translates to physical pain with me. I wonder if it’s a referred pain thing ~ the emotional pain is so bad that my brain thinks physical pain is better? However, today I feel good, all the pain has gone away, and now I’m ready to live a better and healthier life. I’m not quite ready to begin training for a half-marathon, but not being in pain is a pretty wonderful thing.
      Kitten, thank you so much for your kindness. And, the Big Hugs. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 3 people

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