we should think twice before we burn everything behind us
I suffer from a debilitating and high risk mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which often produces a lot of emotional suffering accompanied with an inability to live anything like a normal life. Sometimes my mind feels like an abandoned building.
However, there is an odd characteristic about BPD in that suffers will often say that they either feel everything or nothing at all. What I do know is that before today I was feeling emotionally hurt and vulnerable.
People with BPD have an exquisite vulnerability to emotions, and this susceptibility is hardwired. ~ Shari Y. Manning, Ph.D
In the past week I have had some difficult days filled with jealousy, paranoia, and anger. Those negative feelings do me no good at all, and when I am in that state I say and do things I later regret. I make stupid, impulsive, and irrational decisions. I say hurtful truths to others and feel immediate remorse. I upset people I care for, get drunk, and think about just ending it all. The dark side of me seeks to punish myself and everyone else. My thoughts and perceptions become extreme, it’s black and white thinking, or what the psychiatrists call splitting. And all of it hurts.
The pain and suffering that comes from something like Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder happens suddenly. The pain and suffering affects every aspect of the identity; physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. And the chaos and pain can go on, and on, and on ~ until something happens that allows some beginnings of recovery. For some recovery begins with a proper diagnosis, treatment, and medication. For me recovery began with admitting that I was truly ill, and then learning all I could about Borderline Personality Disorder. For me, real recovery began with the courage to accept the mental, emotional, and spiritual pain and then decide that I don’t have to live like that anymore.
For most, the greatest pain is emotional ~ and I mean intense emotions such as anger, jealousy, regret, remorse, and hopelessness. The mental pain experienced by those with Borderline Personality Disorder is very specific and different from the anguish suffered by those with a depressive disorder. But there is one other mystery about BPD, it also produces high levels of physical pain, and yet the pain of self-harm is never felt at all. This is probably due to dissociation, the shutting down of parts of the brain due to intense stress.
This is why those who suffer from intense emotional pain also self-harm ~ the physical pain they inflict upon themselves helps to negate their intense emotional suffering
Some say that Borderline Personality Disorder is an illness that revolves around pain. And that emotional outbursts seem to come out of nowhere. All I know is that in accepting the pain I can begin the hard work of real recovery.
at the end of the day
even the best booze doesn’t help