Personality Disorders and Trust

trusting her is my decision, proving me right is her choice

~

Everybody lies ~ that’s one of life’s great truths.  So, why would I ever want or need to place my trust in another person?  I can put things more bluntly; I suffer from a serious mental health problem called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which makes it extremely difficult for me to ever trust anyone, particularly someone that I care for.  It’s common for someone with BPD to find it very difficult to trust, even though I may have a deep need for validation from other people.  That means I will lash out when I think someone has betrayed me, is betraying me, or might desert me.

Anyone with any personality disorder, especially with BPD, will have a history of very rocky relationships, especially romantic relationships.  Borderline Personality Disorder causes constant and extreme mood swings and changes in emotional states, from doting and affectionate one minute, to abusive and pushing your partner away within just a few hours.  If you either suffer from that horrible personality disorder, or if you are close to someone who does, you will find that trust comes very hard.

And, why should we trust at all?  Why should we ever give another the chance to betray and hurt us?  Why should we risk being lied to and deceived?

Things come apart so easily when they have only been held together with lies.  ~  Dorothy Allison.

All those with a personality disorder are compulsive liars and deceivers, and most of their relationships end in chaotic and traumatic breakups.  This is true until they begin to recover.  In recovering from a personality disorder the ‘former sufferer’ will become desperate to create and build trust in all of their relationships ~ and this takes a lot of time.

There are some things that I know I can do;

  • Keep to my word and follow through with my actions.
  • Learn how to communicate truthfully, openly, and effectively.
  • Stop speaking and acting impulsively.
  • If I’m wrong, or I’ve made a mistake, then admit it.
  • Stop lying and deceiving ~ always be honest with myself and everyone else.
  • Do what I believe is right ~ not what is easy or might get me what I want.
  • Stop taking people for granted.

Those things kind of look and sound easy ~ they’re not.  Earning trust and learning how to trust is one of the most difficult things someone recovering from a personality disorder or an addiction can ever do.  But, if life is going to be worth living it’s something I know I have to give of my very best.

Some say deceive me once then shame on you.  And, deceive me twice then shame on me.  All I know is that you can’t build a good life based on a tissue of lies.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

never trust a woman in a mask

13 responses

  1. I could feel your emotion through this post, Jack, and it touched me deeply. Lies are… toxic on every level and I’m with you that you can’t build a relationship if there isn’t brutal honesty from the start. In that line where you mentioned that people with BPD often have rocky romantic relationships, would that apply to your past as well? And how do you move forward recovering from BPD to engage in healthy romantic relationships? 🙂 ❤ I hope you don't mind me asking questions to get to know more about you. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I always knew that I wasn’t emotionally healthy, and that I had a strong need to push people away, to sabotage relationships before they even started. I discovered that a lot of women don’t like or want honesty, and that fucked up a lot of potential relationships.
      Every romantic relationship I’ve ever had in the past has been dysfunctional. I protected myself by seeing unobtainable women, where all there could ever be was a fling, an affair, friends with benefits. I had 3 affairs with married women.
      Recovering? I hope so. I hope truth, honour, honesty, openness, and love will help.
      In learning to like and love myself I can learn to truly love others.
      It’s all about as easy as learning to swim while wearing a concrete lifepreserver.
      Love Penny Berry. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Gosh I know exactly what you mean, Jack. ❤ I've had past relationships where from the start the foundation wasn't healthy or transparent. Like you, I've connected with people where the relationship dynamic wasn't ever going to actually "go" anywhere. But, I think we all reach a stage in life where we seek connections that are more quiet, sure, stable, honest, and fulfilling. If the connection is uplifting and pure, then it's definitely one to keep around. *BIG SQUEEZES* ❤ ❤ ❤ 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Sometimes we can find ourselves in a toxic relationship without knowing how we got there, or what the Fuck happened. Some relationships might be exciting and absorbing, but they can still be dysfunctional and doomed to end badly.
          I have high hopes for our new friendship.
          Hugs Sweetheart 😎❤❤❤😈

          Liked by 1 person

          1. So very true and wise of you to say ❤ I have high hopes too, Jack! *big hugs*!! xx

            Liked by 1 person

  2. My best friend of many years, Annie, lived with BPD. I watched her suffer on so many levels. Work, friends, romance, her child. She never sought treatment, though it was available to her. After several turn of events I watched her world come crashing in on her totally. I had to end our friendship extremely harshly when she wouldn’t stop calling me and threatening me. I had police involvement and it was really ugly. I loved her like a sister. The day came she turned on me. 😦 I always knew it would happen, because she wasn’t getting professional help. That was her pattern, sadly…. lost friends because she would lose control and push things beyond a point of salvaging. Sadly, she could never trust that I loved her as much I did. Recovery is really difficult!!!! You have my respect for being so honest about how hard some things are and where you have strengths. Doing the work on your own is doubly difficult!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So many suffers of BPD are at first misdiagnosed, and then never receive the proper treatment. Recovery and control is hard ~ I had to learn control to hold down a job in international banking, but every now and then my emotions would still take over. Real recovery is almost always reliant on accepting long-term counselling ~ and sadly I’m not getting any of that at all.
      Writing these honest and open posts is one way that my self-directed recovery just might work for me, and I need it to work. I was doing OK and then a couple of things happened which threw me back on my heels; I was burgled, and I learned about a friends sluttish promiscuous past. Those things and some more made the symptoms of BPD much worse for me ~ which is when I went to my doctor and humbly asked for help. But no.
      I would guess that not only was your friend not getting the proper help she was also feeding the symptoms of BPD with alcohol, drugs, or some other addiction. Rule #1 in recovery is to desist and cease from any and all addictive behaviour. Rule #2 is to learn all you can about Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m doing that.
      Thank you ever so much for your very helpful comment, and your kind words.
      I am pleased to have met you here. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel the same about you, Jack. ♥ Her addiction was food.

        What I find equally as sad is that people with Bipolar Disorder are often given a diagnosis of BPD first. The symptoms appear the same on the surface when a manic episode is present or when discussing symptoms in a manic episode. It’s very common for this to happen!!! It took a long time for doctors to get mine straight. I suffered a great deal in the process. Mine is clearly and simply an imbalance in the brain. With medication I function quite normally. Without medication, I struggle immensely and ruin my life on so many fronts it’s almost impossible to put the pieces back together. I’m grateful to have gotten the proper diagnosis and to have the ability to advocate for myself as well as I do. I’m also blessed to have incredible insight into my behaviors and needs making my life much easier than the average bear with bipolar disorder.

        I always love to see those of us with challenges grow, learn, change, work together. Break through the stigmas!!! I know you didn’t need me to protect you from that rude commenter the other day. I did it because it’s mean and wrong. I’d do that for anyone who’s being honest and forthright with their process. It takes so much courage. I know this first hand as you well know!!! ♥ Keep on writing, my dear.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you ever so. ❤ ❤ ❤
          The diagnosis between BPD and Bipolar is maybe quite difficult because doctors and psychiatrists so often get it wrong!
          I believe that one crucial difference is that my mood swings are FAST and extreme, whereas yours are slower, more profound, and much longer lasting.
          Another difference is that BPD does not respond in any beneficial way to medication. In fact it's fucking dangerous to give drugs to someone with BPD, there is far to much risk of an overdose mixed with booze.
          I am grateful to be blessed with you as my friend.
          Much love, always. ❤ ❤ ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Great post, J. I appreciated your remarks about this difficult topic, very enlightening.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Writing about these difficult topcs is helping me to recover from the horrors of BPD. I’m glad you’re finding these posts valuable too. ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. oh Jack, I don’t think it is true that everyone with a personality disorder lies and deceives. Certainly no more than the average business man. If you think someone you know with a personality disorder is lying and deceiving you are most likely projecting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was mostly speaking for myself and some close friends ❤

      Like

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