black and white thinking is a bar to recovery from any addictive behaviour
black and white thinking causes me extreme problems
I have a serious mental and emotional problem called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which comes with all kinds of nasty symptoms, including a much higher risk of suicide than the general population. (Statistically I have about 1000 times greater risk of attempting suicide than the majority of the population.)
Another nasty symptom of BPD is called Splitting, or more colloquially Black and White thinking. For me things are either very good, or totally bad. This is much worse to live with than you might think ~ for example I tend to think as women as either a Goddess, or a Slut with nothing in-between.
Intellectually I know this both stupid, nasty, and unfair, but emotionally I’m trapped in that loop. Similarly I either think of myself as a really good guy, or a worthless jerk ~ depending on how my chaotic emotions are running at the time.
It goes much deeper than that. Life is either really worth living, or I may as well end it all
Splitting, or black and white thinking means my emotions also go to extremes; love and hate, desire and disgust, stone cold sober or blind drunk. My memory is either perfect or false with paranoid delusions.
This weird all or nothing mind-set also means I suffer from something called dialectics,, which is all about metaphysical contradictions. My life is all about contradictions and extremes, which is
fucking terribly difficult to live with.
Some say that black and white thinking is the brain’s attempt to achieve perfection. And that if things were truly black and white we would not be using all of our mind’s capabilities. All I ask is why do I go to such extremes?
either a goddess or a slut,
or bot at one in the same time?