Borderline Personality Disorder

one second I’m perfectly fine, the next I can explode like a volcano

I suffer from a serious mental illness, and there is no cure.

The major symptoms I suffer from are;

  • I have a great fear that the people I care for will abandon me and hurt me.
  • I suffer from very intense emotions, and mood swings.
  • I am an all or nothing, black and white person.
  • I do not have a strong sense of self, (and I have no idea what that means).
  • I find it extremely hard to make and keep stable relationships.
  • I have hurt the people around me.
  • I act impulsively and some of the things I do are dangerous.
  • I am the original ‘angry man’.
  • I suffer from Retroactive Jealousy
  • I suffer from disassociation ~ sometimes people, places, and things don’t seem quite real to me.  This also means I can suffer from amnesia and false memories.
  • I have ‘attempted suicide’ as a cry for help.
  • To escape the pain of my symptoms I can drink far too much.

There is no cure for this illness, but with intensive therapy over I long period I could recover.  Snag is that the only therapy I’m getting is the therapy I give myself from books and the internet.  It’s called self-directed therapy, and it’s the most painful thing I have ever done in my life.

~

jack collier

 jackcollier7@talktalk.net

It’s a long and rocky road indeed.

18 responses

    1. Sometimes there are no words, and sometimes mere words are not enough. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think my time here today is finished my life seems a little lonely and I had so hoped to fill my days with love and happiness, smiles and lovely company.

        It feels a little empty atm and that is okay I guess I really am tired Jack so damn tired

        Like

      2. Perhaps, however, i am a firm believer of words soothes the soul young Jack!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Nothing comes from nothing Jack don’t be so hard on yourself, easy said, I know!

    Embrace it , it’s not the symptoms it’s the labels, it’s the stigma of being told you are this because, what if … we all could try and use a language that isn’t malignant and terminal

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know that I will never be cured of my illness, but I am not BPD it’s just something I suffer from.

      Like

      1. We all have.. something unique about us I guess .. I suppose it all depends on you!

        How much leverage do we put on negative sadness Jack?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel similarly very often and try to self-therapy. It is really hard.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m finding it harder than I could have believed 💕

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It is a long and rocky road but I know you will valiantly march forward and slay the bad dragons. Sending lots of healing energy!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jack, I just found a nice article that speaks simply about how to develop a sense of sense and what it means to have a sense of self. When I was still working in the field, we used to say that it’s like not knowing where you end and another person begins. A major blurring of boundaries and too much dependence on another person for your self-worth. My former supervisor specialized in trauma and BPD therapy. She did mostly 1-on-1. If you were in the California, I’d give you her contact info. The struggle with BPD is so real. ♥ Here’s that link.
    https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/the-importance-of-a-strong-sense-of-self-and-how-to-gain-it/

    Like

  5. Self-awareness is crucial. So many have none ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  6. So sorry your feeling the volcanic eruptions… reading your challenges sounds quite overwhelming ! it’s important not to claim this behaviour as who you are, but an experience to help you realise the whole and balanced divine being of light you are at your core! Extreme behaviour helps us choose in each moment how we want to feel… peace and joy❤️😎 and choose this for ourself. Once we reconnect with the love we feel worthy and secure which will then reflect on our relationships.

    I came across these words from Jeff foster that might resonate with you too!?

    You do not ‘heal’ from trauma.

    You simply reconnect with that secret place inside that was never traumatised, never damaged, never unsafe and never ‘unhealed’ in the first place.

    Healing does not happen in linear time, then. Your True Self, absolute and ever-present, innocent and whole and free, is not a future destination, but a present-moment reality, always.

    Healing involves remembering this inner sanctuary, reconnecting with the wholeness, love, beauty and true safety that you are.

    You are not broken, friend…

    You are Unbreakable!

    Jeff Foster

    Much love and balance, Barbara x

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thanks for your insight ❤
      I felt broken for a few days.
      I like the thought that healing does not happen in linear tome.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The mind will do all it can to keep us in the grips of disempowerment… so we really need to focus on the truth… not easy but very doable❤️

        Liked by 2 people

  7. I value your honesty and I’m sure you will discover who you are underneath all the layers you have built up over the years.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m working damed hard to recover 😎

      Liked by 1 person

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