Defeating Dark Emotions

the heart is a strange beast and not ruled by logic

if all you have is a lonely beach…..

Nobody is rational about emotions ~ that’s why they’re called emotions.  And yet, I am handling my extreme and chaotic emotions quite rationally.

Feelings cannot be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem. ~ Anne Frank

Feelings cannot be ignored, and yet I am ignoring some incredibly powerful feelings that boil like black lava with in me.

I suffer from a very serious mental malady which creates wild, extreme, and powerful mood swings, and yet outwardly I am calm and grounded.

I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad.  Or I can go mad by ricocheting in-between.  ~  Sylvia Path.

The Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), that torments me creates extreme and instant feelings; anger, bitterness, disconnectedness, fear, guilt, insecurity, jealousy, loneliness, lust, paranoia, rejection, resentment…..  and a kaleidoscope of all of those and more.  Yet, through putting in the hard work I do not now often react to these negative feelings, nor act upon my intricately-constructed negative thoughts.

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.  ~  James Thurber

In the very recent past I would oft give my negative feelings and darkest thoughts free rein, and that never ever made things better, reacting to negative feelings and acting upon my darkest thoughts always, always, made everything in my life much worse.  About 10% of everyone who has suffered from BPD commits suicide, and a greater number die from the near-suicides of such things as alcoholism, drug addiction, and risky, impulsive behaviors like promiscuous casual sex with strangers and insane driving.  Those with personality disorders also have a higher than average risk of ‘lifestyle illnesses’ such as cancers, pancreatitis, cirrhosis, strokes, and heart attacks.

For me, when the inner emotional pain got bad I would retreat into the self-destructive oblivion of alcohol ~ which is very akin to temporary suicide.

In my lowest moments, the only reason I didn’t commit suicide was that I knew I wouldn’t be able to drink any more if I was dead.  ~  Eric Clapton

Three very simple stratagems have relieved me of the torture and torment I have suffered for as long as I can remember.

  1. Learning and understanding everything I could about my personal personality disorder.
  2. Delaying my reaction to negative feelings, and delaying taking any action following my darkest and most evil nightmare thoughts.  If I delay long enough the darkness passes.
  3. Keeping busy and avoiding idleness, even if doing something was outside of my comfort-zones.

To recover from Borderline Personality Disorder I have had to embrace change.

We have to be honest about what we want and take risks rather than lie to ourselves and make excuses to stay in our comfort zone.  ~  Roy T. Bennett.

Some say that the emotion that can break your heart is the one that heals it.  And that there is nothing they can do but to follow their heart.  All I know is that it’s a good thing that I’ve finally found a way to control myself.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

eventually the night comes

and with the night come the nightmares

3 responses

  1. MY HEART GOES DOKI DOKI. DARK POST + BRIGHT IDEAS = HAPPY ME. Also, “intricately-constructed negative thoughts” is really where it’s at. The turmoil, the compromises you make with life and the bargains you try to make with yourself to get better, to do better, to be aware of your life…it al comes form the fact that our negative thoughts and feelings are so complex and thus so difficult to readily deal with. They come often, do they can’t be disposed. They come strongly, so they can’t be singlehandedly wrestled down to the ground. It’s like every day against these dark images we just play the defensive. That is our life. Defending against them everyday. Because there is no way to defeat them. But at the very least, it keeps them from defeating us…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You really know what it’s like, don’t you. ❤
      The more I don't react to my dark emotions, and the more I don't act on my negative thoughts, the fewer, weaker, and further between the horrific episodes become.
      I know it's all inside my mind, and that my own fucking personality disorder is trying to destroy me and everything around me, and maybe that makes it all a little easier to deal with, (on a good day).
      I'm lucky; my dark moods, the vicious uncontrollable mood swings, the jealousy, anger, resentments….. happen fast, and so the worst of it does not last long.
      My heart goes tapokata, tapokata, tapokata for you. 😉 ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

Please Leave a Reply or Ask Me Anything you like.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: