there is a big difference between being cool and being a jerk
Please forgive me because I have some problems, as in; confidence, creativity, ethics, honesty, integrity, intelligence, loyalty, manners, morals, self-awareness, standards….. I really belong to a bygone age of gentlemen, or perhaps at heart I am a knight errant who craves no more than chivalric courtly love. Perhaps my heart is a little vulnerable, and mayhap I can be bruised too easily by a woman ~ especially a Lady I care for.
Being brave and bold tends to go along with being idealistic and moral ~ and those character traits don’t seem to fit well in a society based on deceit and instant gratification. Casual sex, drug taking, smoking pot, gambling, lying, cheating, slutting, and promiscuity all seem utterly wrong to me. A dedication to truth, honesty, and openness may seem hopelessly outdated and stuffy to most younger people. A strong sense of right and wrong doesn’t seem necessary to many people today. Most will just do just what they want when they want, no matter who they hurt and no matter what other people may think. Many people seem unreliable, selfish, and crass to me.
Where all this becomes a real problem is that I suffer from something called psychological splitting, which is easier understood as black and white thinking. To me life is simple; people are either good, or they are bad, and there are no grey areas in-between. If you want to show off you could say that I have a personality disorder called Dichotomous Thinking.
All of these character traits of mine can create some very powerful emotions, ranging from jealousy to protectiveness, and from anger to remorse ~ utterly opposite sets of feelings. These can best be resolved by something called Dialectical Thinking, which means balancing between opposite sets of thoughts and emotions. And as far as I am concerned, right now, there is no chance of that happening ~ not without me putting in a lot of hard work.
I may not be able to think dialectically, but what I can do is to act dialectically; I may be fucking angry due to retroactive jealousy, but I will act in a completely opposite way and only show a laid-back, mellow, and charming face to the world. This is not lying, either to myself or others, I am merely not doing anything permanently stupidly destructive just because I am temporarily extremely upset.
Basically, I am not acting like a jerk.
Some say that honesty, integrity, and openness are outdated. And that it’s OK to cheat, lie, steal, get drunk, smoke pot, and fuck anyone you want. All I know is that I’d rather have morals, even if I’m often temporarily upset.
I will try hard to forget her
I might die trying