Rebalancing my Life

the cycles of the seasons mirror the cycles of our lives

The quotation above is from the Wiccan Wheel of the Year, which explains a little of what the autumnal festival of Mabon means.  One of the three harvest festivals, Mabon takes place at the Autumnal Equinox, about September 23rd, when night and day are of equal length.  Right now the year is in balance, and maybe by coincidence, I am beginning to bring some measure of balance into my Life.

As with every living creature, the cycles of my life mirror the cycles of the seasons, and at this equinox it’s a time for me to reflect, to wrap up the imbalances and the demons that have tormented me in the past, to rest and ready myself to soon begin again.  In the past my life has been ruled by inner demons which were probably inculcated in me before I was seven years of age.  Those inner demons tormented and tortured me, and my pain spilled over to hurt those I cared for the most.

As the years go by, and all through the changes life brought to me, I have never stopped trying to free myself of the man I was, the man I never wanted to be.  I was that guy that, no matter how hard he tries and no matter how often he succeeds, sooner or later fucks it all up in a really big way.  And along the way I could be an angry, cruel, abusive, generous, impulsive, inventive, jealous, judgmental, manipulative, perfectionist, successful and very intelligent drunk.

BPD can do that to you.

No one with even the slightest ounce of honest humanity would want to live like that.  Even though the Borderline Personality Disorder I suffer from is classified as a severe mental illness, I always had enough sanity to know that I could and should be a much better man than I was.  But here’s the thing, BPD is very often misdiagnosed, and even if your doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist know that you have Borderline Personality Disorder, they most often are unable to treat you properly and effectively.  This is because effective therapy for BPD takes at least a year and more likely three, and therapists qualified and willing to take on cases like mine are few and far between.

Therefore, I have resolved to treat myself, as best as I can.  I have learned that this is called Self Directed Therapy, and that it’s a real and medically recognised technique.  I can be my own therapist, my own mental and psychological mechanic ~ and if I’m hard working and diligent I can get good repairs made pretty quickly.  It also seems that what I’m trying to deal with is a truly serious mental disorder, I need to be very serious about being my own therapist.

It also seems that Borderline Personality Disorder is almost never a result of a biochemical imbalance, and therefore medication is not only pointless, it’s dangerous.  So I can’t just ask my doctor for a prescription.  I need to rebalance my being and reorganise my thinking, and it’s going to take the rest of my freaking life.

I am learning that it’s not how I feel that matters, it’s what I do.  How I feel does not and cannot matter to anyone but me ~ my feelings are chaotic, and often negatively destructive. What matters is how I react to my feelings, and how I act towards the people around me.


jack collier


dark and light in perfect equilibrium

14 responses

  1. I always come back saying that awareness is a big key in it progress vs. living in denial not wanting to face those demons. I’m sure there is a time in all of our life where it is easier to ignore those demons, to let them feed our pain and to be out excuse and crutch for our actions. But there is also time only the bravest of brave face and that is when we take a stand and no longer give in to our old ways. It takes courage and strengths and you are clearly in your way. I am proud of you, to be your friend and to walk alongside with you on this journey.
    Xoxo ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Rhapsody, thank you for your kind and insightful words. ❤
      Ignoring our problems is just lying to ourselves. Each time I ran away from my demons they came back stronger. The only thing I could do to truly free myself of torment was to face the pain and try and solve what was really torturing me.
      I may never rid myself of my demons, but I will not run away from them again. And, day by day, my demons become weaker, and every day I am just a little bit stronger and better.
      I know I have a friend in you. I count myself among the lucky ones. ❤ ❤ 😉

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I am truly happy for you Jack and for having the courage to face your demons. It is me who is the lucky one having you as a friend. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree-balance is the key. It’s not always easy to help oneself. I think you are doing really well and wish you the best!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Princess. Your wisdom and kind words are always welcome 💖

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Jack, what causes it? I like that you are trying to get better. There is something significant about acknowledge your own imperfections.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. More often than not personality disorders are the result of the suffer’s childhood experiences.
      The first step in recovery is admitting that you have a problem.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I learn so much from you!
    Balance is so important, no matter where we are in life. I appreciate you share about this so much. Thank you- xoxoxo

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I could almost blush ❤
      Like most of us I'm just a work in progress. And yet this Autumn I feel as though I am making real headway ~ things are getting better in my life, every damn day.
      Hugs Kris, warm thoughts and love to you. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Hmmmm…do you blush all over??? Giggling!!!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Indeed! Enquiring minds want to know!!! 🙂

          Liked by 2 people

        2. You can tell because my ears go red. 😎❤

          Liked by 1 person

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