Recovering from Retroactive Jealousy

I get jealous, I get mad, I get curious ~ that’s only because I care

jealousy is always, always, ultimately destructive

Yesterday I posted some stuff about Retroactive Jealousy, which seems to be the most disturbing, counter-intuitive, difficult to comprehend, painful psychological condition anyone could suffer from.  Jealousy drove me to drink and thoughts of suicide.  But, how to get over this life-destroying problem, just how does one recover from jealousy over your partner’s past?

Retroactive Jealousy is a serious mental disorder, which means that your jealousy is not really part of you, it’s your mental illness driving you into painfully insane thoughts and actions.  Your jealousy may not be you, it might be obsessions and compulsions which arise from a medical disease, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

Do not make the mistake of waiting passively for the jealousy, and the insane urges to do something crazy to just go away.  By something crazy I mean getting drunk a lot, stalking your partner’s social media, spying on your partner, committing suicide…..  If you suffer from retroactive jealousy the worst thing you can do is nothing ~ the most important thing is to do something, see a psychiatrist, talk to your sponsor in whatever 12 step group you attend, watch some appropriate podcasts on YouTube, read a useful book ~ Brain Lock might be helpful, as might The Road Less Travelled.  DO NOT ever talk with your partner about this ~ that is the very worst thing you can do, it’s like an alcoholic taking just one more drink, there is no relief to be found there.

Talking with your partner about their past, the past that you suffer crazy jealousies about, is just another way of harming yourself ~ and in any event your partner will probably lie, deny, and minimise what they did in their past.  There is no truth and no recovery to be found in talking things over with your partner.

To recover from retroactive jealousy you have to put in some very hard work.  And the first step is to admit that you have a real and life-destroying problem.  And then you have to consider Desire, Wants, Needs, and Love.

Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness, of hatred, of jealousy, and, most easily of all, the gate of fear.  ~  Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

The accepted prerequisite for anyone to suffer from Retroactive Jealousy is that they must both love and need their partner, or at least firmly believe that they both love and need their partner.  There can be no retroactive jealousy unless you first deeply care about someone.  Ergo, one sure cure for this horrible condition is to stop needing and loving him or her.  Face it, why would you love someone who has done things which hurt you so deeply, perhaps things that disgust you?  That really is counter intuitive, so to stop hurting, just stop loving.

Another way to cure retroactive jealousy is to just walk away ~ leave your partner, never look back, and then completely forget them.  Mark the time you spent with him or her as the biggest mistake of your life, and move on.

Or, put yourself into months and years of really painful therapy.

How am I recovering from Retroactive Jealousy?  I’ve stopped needing.  The truly self-aware and self-reliant man has no neediness.

Some say that real men don’t suffer from jealousy.  And that being jealous only shows up your own inadequacies.  All I know is that the insanity of being jealous of the past almost killed me.


jack collier

falling in love with a centerfold is maybe not the best idea a guy could ever have


12 responses

  1. I can’t relate but I think if you understand “the problem” & what is wrong – you r already on the way to recover! Well, glad u did! 🕺✌️ you will def feel happier (with time 🐌🌱🏖)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucky that you’ve never come across this kind of destructive jealousy.
      I know that I need to put in the hard work ~ but nothing worthwhile is ever easy.
      ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. True…& you can do it! Small steps 🙂 ✌️😸

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I don’t love anyone, that’s why 😂 …
        Ok, ok…my dogs & my fam.
        I’d say I’m not the person who’d die for love…too pragmatic & sigh, too selfish 😭😭😂😂

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You seem like a good person to me.
          Perhaps you have never met the right good guy. ❤

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Mmm, my husband is a good person 🙂
            Me too… 😂 I’m too damn kind to be bad 👀😸🧞‍♀️🧞‍♀️

            Liked by 1 person

          2. I believe (my pragmatic self is talking😂) that finding the right partner/person is more important than love… love is kinda destructive force 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

  2. I am truly relieved and happy that you are here with us. And further you have acknowledged what the problem was and I believe learned from it. Some of these life lessons are so hard. Hugs ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rhapsody, thank you for your kind words. ❤ ❤ 😉
      I have a written question on a post-it note, stuck on the wall next to my bathroom mirror; "How can I become a very cool and self-confident guy, living a really great life?" I get one answer, every time I look at that question; "just put in the hard work"

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah I know and nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I know you are hard on yourself at times and in reality we all are our worst critic. But sometimes we need a reminder how special we are already to infuse a feeling of gratitude into our striving so hard. This is your reminder my friend and you are pretty cool and a great guy to me already. Keep it up ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you Rhapsody. ❤ ❤ 🙂
          I know I judge myself hardest ~ but I think that's how it should be.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Then you are exactly where you need to be and only you can be the judge of that. Just wanted you to know that I think you’re pretty amazing to me 😉❤️

            Liked by 1 person

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