and the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom
My life has become challenging and rewarding. The challenges are to learn how to control my feelings, my expectations, my wants, needs, desires, dreams, and lusts. To be a very cool guy, living a great life ~ a very cool guy who is truly self-aware, self-deprecating, self-disciplined, self-controlled, and self-confident. A man who takes care of his friends, is accepting, supportive, understanding, patient, and steadfast. Someone who doesn’t show uncontrollable anger, nor act like a negative jerk. I already have some of the rewards; my friendships are returning, I am sober, I am self-aware, and I am filled with positive energies.
Life is a risky business, and in the end there are few winners. I hope that in the critical weeks ahead of me I will make good decisions that benefit myself and those I care for ~ now and in the future.
My new journey along the warrior’s path began with a decision to make some serious changes to myself and my life, regardless of what I had to do to make changes, and regardless of what those changes needed to be.
What I do know is that the most important change I needed to make was the resolve to stay sober. For me, drinking any booze at all just means that everything gets totally fucked-up. If I drink then something very bad may happen, one day the booze might kill me.
None of the things I’ve tried before ever worked for long. But, this week a light was turned on ~ and perhaps the reason is that I suddenly became uncontrollably angry at a friend. And shortly after that I was utterly remorseful. I had a rapid and extreme change of mood within an hour or so. Scary. I knew I had to do something radical.
Things are better for me today. I still get incredibly angry for no good reason at all, but now I know I need to keep that anger locked away until I can find an acceptable way to release it. And the same goes for all the other powerfully negative chaotic emotions that flood my mind.
I got to where I was by continually doing what I had always been doing, including drinking. I knew that I had to do things differently. I started by researching exactly WTF Borderline Personality Disorder is, and how others manage to live with it.
Some say that Faint Heart never won Fair Lady. And that you will never get anywhere in life without taking risks. All I know is that being a really cool guy means taking care of and loving others, as well as taking care of and loving myself.