Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

even when I feel nothing, I feel it totally and intensely

Beautiful Nothingness

Personality disorders are a type of mental health problem where attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours cause longstanding difficulties in your life.  Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), is a serious mental illness characterised by extreme emotional instability, rapid and violent mood swings, and a terrible fear of abandonment.

There is no shortage of deception, abandonment, and betrayal out there.  The world is full of lying, uncaring, unstable people.  We may give our hearts, time, and spend our money to and for those who do not care for us as much as we would like them to, our expectations are not met, and this causes us much pain.  For those who have Borderline Personality Disorder any failure to meet their expectations creates immense suffering because it magnifies their extreme behavioral traits.

Sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), can exhibit 9 extreme behavioral traits or symptoms;

  1. Chronic and morbid fear of abandonment.  You would do anything to stop people from leaving you, yet you will make it happen.
  2. Intense, chaotic, and unstable interpersonal relationships; from intimate, to family members, to coworkers….. People around suffers of BPD often feel as though they are on an extreme rollercoaster.
  3. Unstable or no self-image, or sense of self.  Who am I?  Why am I here?
  4. Damaging impulsivity, self-destructive behaviour, behaving without thinking, taking risks; such as reckless driving, drink driving, problem drinking, casual sex, gambling, impulsive spending.
  5. Melancholia and depression leading towards self harm, thoughts of suicide, threats of suicide, attempted suicide. Sometimes the attempted suicide works and people die.
  6. Inappropriate, rapid, intense, and extreme mood swings; anxiety and depression, anger, euphoria…..
  7. A feeling of emptiness, pointlessness, ennui.
  8. Intense, immediate, inappropriate explosive anger that is difficult to control, followed by almost immediate remorse.  People walk on eggshells around someone with BPD.
  9. Severe paranoia, suspicion, disassociation, feeling spaced-out, out of body experiences.

to be diagnosed with BPD you suffer from 5 or more of the nasty things listed above.

People who have BPD do not handle stress or unexpected events well ~ the extreme behavioural traits listed above will get worse if the sufferer is under external or internal stress, or if something unexpected happens, or if they are told something they don’t expect.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, and from time to time I have exhibited all 9 of the traits listed above.  Like most people with BPD I cope very badly with stress and the unexpected.  I am also very prone to what is called Splitting, which is black and white thinking, complete focus; which means that people, places, and things are either all good, or all bad ~ but this judgement can change very rapidly.

Some say that I am too sensitive, that I feel too much.  And, that I always seem to destroy everything.  All I know is that I’m so happy that I can’t stop crying.


jack collier

sometimes pain is good

the thorns are as beautiful as the rose

24 responses

  1. BPD is rough. I suffer from it too. Unfortunately there are a lot of misconceptions surrounding the diagnosis. Thank you for the post and spreading awareness

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are welcome Meghan. 👍❤


  2. Same all the way. Thank you sir for sharing! Much love from one sufferer to another.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can never get things to make sense, but at least I can live in harmony with myself and those I care for.
      Angel, love to you. ❤


    2. Beautiful eye picture. ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you 🙂


  3. Thank you for sharing your experience. It literally helps so much just to know that there are other people like me out there… who are living, coping, breathing and happy despite…the diagnosis. BPD tends to be seen as the ‘trash-can diagnosis’. Some people will describe us as monsters or ’emotional vampires’, something which is completely incorrect, but I guess if you forget the person and focus just on the behavior, sometimes accurate. I am also too good, ethical, innocent, whatever you want to call it to manipulate people intentionally, but some of my behavior has been pointed out as manipulative. I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s just really good to find someone that can relate.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. For most of my life I suffered from just ‘not fitting in’ and being exhausted from keeping my reactions to the shit going on inside my head under some sort of control. For most of my life I believed that everyone felt the same way I did. Then I was diagnosed with BPD, and then nothing. No support, no help, no explanations.
      My best help thus far has come from YouTube, so I now have this BPD monster under some sort of control.
      We can live a normal life when we accept that our heads will be full of short-lived crap mood swings.
      Be strong sweetheart ❤


  4. Hey Jack!! I’m also a bpd sufferer. I had been making it with booze and drugs for years. I’m now clean 1 year and starting recovery in this awful illness!! Any tips??

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Good for you.
      Remember the booze and drugs were just a way of escaping your suffering, you don’t really need them.
      No matter how suicidal and depressed you might feel at times, keep remembering that will pass, and very, very soon you are going to feel pretty happy again.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m so happy that you have figured out what has been going on and can now work on making life better. I think you are a pretty cool guy just for talking about it!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Diane. ❤
      Despite my illness, I am a very cool guy, living a really great life.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Jack, you’ve listed traits from various different mental illnesses, and most of those you have listed are not borderline. If you have five of those you have listed, you should be seeing a psychiatrist and getting yourself sorted out. But I tend to think that you are obsessing about illnesses you do not have. I know you are an intelligent sensible person, and I think it is a bad idea for you to think that you may be otherwise. Try getting interested in some other topic like doing some more writing. Your main, and possibly only problem is with interpersonal relationships. A friendship takes a long time to build. Try not to assume that casual acquaintances are friends and you should be OK. Bestest wishes.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for caring ❤
      For once you are completely wrong. I have one mental illness and it's called Borderline Personality Disorder, which is actually a stupid name, and most therapists wish it was called something else.
      Check the links in my post, they further illuminate what I'm trying to explain.
      It's a bummer, but I am coping.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I have BPD too, unfortunately, the symptoms described in this post are spot on.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. BPD is a bloody terrible affliction, my heart goes out to you.

          Liked by 1 person

  7. I feel sorry for you. You have my sympathy and I hope things get and continue to improve for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. No need to feel sorry for me Athena. ❤
      Now I am beginning to understand what's been wrong with me all these years, I can actually deal with it. Most of the time I am a very cool guy, living a really great life ~ but from time to time my life would turn to crap. Now I know why that was happening I can be a very cool guy all of the time.
      Love and warm thoughts. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Understanding is great as it allows reflection and revelations to occur. I’m glad your making progress.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thanks Sweetheart. Today I am better than I was yesterday, and tomorrow I will be better than I am today.
          Love, Jack ❤ ❤ ❤

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Of course and I wish you well on your journey towards health and happiness.

            Liked by 1 person

  8. Jack do you have problems trusting people? Do you hate for people to remind you of the things you did that are extreme and do/did you manipulate others to get what you want?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Trust is hard for me, because of the whole fear of abandonment thing which is the #1 affect of BPD. If people are impolite enough to bring up the shit I did in the past, then that’s their problem because I will just walk away from them and not once look back.
      As it goes, I am too honest, honourable, end ethical to be good at manipulating people. Looking back perhaps I should have manipulated a lot more women into having sex with me.
      Love to you. Be strong. ❤ ❤ ❤ 😉

      Liked by 2 people

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