Shame, Depression, and Defeat

You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, ashamed, angry, nor condemned.

 

If I sit alone and brood, then all the negative, dark, and ugly thoughts come back to me.

If I drink to escape and hide from my painfully dark and negative feelings, then things get far, far worse.

For me, The Past is a very dangerous place.  Before I ever go there again I should take notice of the signs that say things like ‘Here Be Dragons’.

At times my thoughts can suddenly wander into dark places leading me to have unpleasant and negative feelings.

In own unacknowledged and unaccepted pain I am quite capable of hurting the ones I care for the most.

Deep within me I am still a prisoner of the negative ethics, judgementalism, and fears I learned when I was a child.

Right now, I do not know how to deal with any of this.

My only plan is to keep working on recovering from severe alcoholic poisoning, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts.  And, the only recovery I’m going to work on today is physical ~ not thinking or feeling at all seems like a good plan.

That and staying away from any thoughts and feelings at all.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

there may be a new dawn ahead

it’s just that, right now

I can’t see it

 

24 responses

  1. Sending Love and Strength!!!!♥️🙏🏻

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I appreciate that. ❤

      Like

  2. Take care of yourself. Focus on what is positive, easier said than done I know but you are strong! x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “Not thinking” is always a good plan 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thinking Kind Thoughts is perhaps a better plan. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Maybe 🙂 or just mix it up a bit 🕺🕺

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Be kind to yourself Jack. Do something nice only for yourself. It’s a little thing but it can feed you when you go through darker times. xo, J

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right Jayne.
      Doing something kind for someone else might be good too
      XXX ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I was meaning to be kind to you, yourself. something gentle and kind because you deserve kindness after harshness – as anyone and everyone does, imo. xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You are a kind person Jayne.
          And, you are right, I do need to be kind to myself. ❤ ❤ ❤

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I hope you do. Sometimes it is the best medicine. That and comedy. xo, Jayne

            Liked by 1 person

  5. I have found in my life that sickness and depression is always driven by not looking after your health of course and loneliness or perhaps many other mental troubles that most people have I am afraid to say Jack.. The best cure for anything that brings you to a place that makes you wish you didn’t go is your inner belief within your own self… Many times I hate to admit that life has thrown me a shit card.. drugs, depression, alcohol I even remember when I had no other choice to let my son live with his father.. it broke my entire life for 10 years I felt like a failure and the self blame and sickness was depleting to the point I wanted to die… many, many times… Until one day when I gave myself a bit of praise and relised that letting go of him was the best thing he could ever have from a mother or a father.. he went to live with his dad and he wasnt deprived as in not having both he was able to handle 1 parent and that was enough I knew he could not handle two.. now some would judge me for abandonment, however, it wasnt because the rift we both had was the father’s denial of allowing me to see , speak, send letters all because of me divorsing the man..ego… he was married had two childrent with his wife and it still never changed his nasty streak… However, I grew to understand that my selfless act was a bloody gift and one day i hope he will understand it.. many times we discount our own true abilities of being a good person and we for some reason hurt ourselves by punishing ourselves so much we make ourselves sick…. I proably dont have a answer for you i wish you well, but, just remember that a healthy mind wont kill you.. a hurt, hindered and sad mind will… your young enough and bright enough to never give up and i suggest you give yourself a pat on the back for the great abilities you have done thus far… and concentrate on positive rather than negitive and you might be surprised that your health and wellbeing will get better with a much more happier mind.. just a thought…x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Darling, I wasn’t taking care of my physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual health. I was so sick weeks before I ever touched the booze. I was so sick in body, mind, and spirit that taking a drink was just the final straw. Of course, one drink became another and another, until I had almost killed myself.
      Today I have my work cut out just living through today.
      Yet I now know that things will get better.
      Your kindness and love have helped me a great deal. ❤❤❤
      Your ex sounds like a shit.
      All love from me, always. 💖

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Your funny
        He is a shit your correct…lol

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well, get better no one apart from you mostly responds to my babble… so get better NOW..joking soon hehehe

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Just some empathy … 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Jack, you are a good person! Sending you healing energy!

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Sometimes it is good enough to let go of a fruitless battle to re-examine the vision that underlies the war. We live to fight another day, and that is why the use of physical activity to curb emotional anxiety is such an effective tool. Depression is a means to go within. There are messages there that professionals in the physiological, spiritual, or psychological professions can help with. We push ourselves through a depression, not pull ourselves out of one. And it is through tending to those ashes left behind, that a realized state of Self can manifest. Carpe Diem!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m not quite ready to seize the day.
      Thank you for your good thoughts 😐

      Liked by 1 person

  9. OMG 😢

    Liked by 2 people

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