must I always be alone?

the basic nature of a man is constructive, faithful, and trustworthy

If you have been following this blog, you will know that, over the past few years, circumstances, and my own stubborn nature, converged with my incipient depression to create a weird and unsustainable view of life for me.  Not only that, I was also suffering from vicious, undiagnosed, and untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and that blessed me with paranoia and a morbid fear of abandonment.

Add those things together and what happened was that I became an agoraphobic, anti-social, celibate, friendless, psychotic recluse.

My door stayed locked, I seldom left my apartment, I avoided meeting people, the telephone remained unanswered, and I deleted unread any emails I received.  Quite honestly, I may as well have been dead as to live that kind of non-life.

It took years, and I do mean years, for me to begin to break out of my self-made prison.

My escape started because I like to write, I wasn’t writing anything, and so I went to a writers’ group, met a few people, and even spoke to them without my being stabbed, attacked, denigrated…..  And then I started to write this blog ~ and trust me to begin with it was terrible.  Yet, an amazingly articulate woman in California found something that she liked in the way I wrote.  And, as things happen, we became long-distance, online friends.

Those of you who have been in a long-distance relationship will know that it’s fraught with problems, and my friendship with this cool Californian woman is probably no better or worse than most relationships that started on-line.  As you would expect from a guy with Borderline Personality Disorder in their background, I became obsessed with her, had unrealistic expectations, and did stupidly impulsive things.  I was not constructive, reliable, nor trustworthy.  None of that was helpful.

My good fortune is that I spent some time with a therapist, my doctor, and a psychiatrist.  The general consensus of their opinion was that I had been suffering from BPD, but I was mostly recovered ~ at the time that was all news to me, (I even had to look up what the hell Borderline Personality Disorder was).

But, if I was mostly recovered I could start to live my life the way I wanted, and not the way a serious mental illness was telling me to exist.

Ergo, I am on a journey of self-awareness, self-discovery, self-development, and self-improvement.  Now I mostly say and do what I think is right, and those that don’t like it can just feck off and have a nice day, and please don’t keep in touch.  That new and more assertively honest attitude of mine has ruffled a few feathers ~ but I’m never going back to being that agoraphobic, anti-social, celibate, friendless, obsessive, psychotic recluse.

Maybe I need to find some new friends, and maybe I’ll be alone again for a while.

Some say that a friend in need is a friend indeed.  And that you should choose your friends wisely.  All I know is that I’d rather be alone than have fair-weather friends.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

at least I have a friend in Marmaduke

and he’s always ready for anything

12 responses

  1. I’m glad to read this post Jack, I hadn’t realized you had it so bad back then, and the strength to seek help is a great thing, so many don’t have or won’t even try. I like to think of myself as your friend, and Marms too of course. Shine on my pal and got some more reading to do 🙂 peace, love and groove on ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your words are so honest and so brave. I am glad writing helps.
    I found that true friends are few and far between but they are the family you choose 🙂 Take care xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words.
      I would like to count you among my friends.
      ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. hi Jack
        Of course! It is so interesting how you come across so many people in life and only a few stick? 🙂 x

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Another huge hug! 🧡

    My new blog post is here 🍂🍁✨

    butterfliesandboundaries.wordpress.com/2018/10/08/review-thames-riviera-hotel/

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Wow, that was an incredible and brave post… well I get ya beautiful honest post happy to be ya friend only if u get my twisted 49 personalities that I have bless beautifully brave post xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A woman with 49 twisted personalities is such a beguiling thought. ❤ ❤ ❤
      Thank you for you always kind words and healing thoughts.
      I love that you are my friend. ❤ 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. well, it is better to have then to not too.. loneliness is a very toxic and sad emotion to feel… i do understand it…i have been living it a very long time JC7, so hugs and many blessings to you.. you are very brave and soulful much respect to you xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. 49 personalities wow, i must admit that must take some person to create so many living in my head… how awesome that i can re-invent myself so well hehehehhe as you can see you are not alone on this planet that is so perfectly created right 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        1. How fun to date a woman who has 49 different personalities. Just so long as one of the dominant personalities is not a mad axe-murderer.
          It must be fun to take you clothes shopping. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve created a world were I am basically friendless as well. It’s very lonely yet I can’t break free. I’m not sure I want to making friends is difficult add in mental health issues and it gets harder. I’m sending you a virtual hug as I think we both need one hope it helps.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your hug. ❤ ❤ 😉
      I know that I only started on the real road to recovery when I got out of my place, and made the uncomfortable effort to meet people, and do stuff.
      Make a beginning in overcoming your loneliness. Baby steps are OK, just try your hardest and do something.
      My thoughts are with you.

      Like

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