I now know Exactly why I’m a lunatic

Knowing that you’ll push everyone away is tough to deal with.

Some people suffer.  Some people are in constant mental, psychological, and spiritual pain.  Those people may find themselves doing crazy and impulsive things, drinking too much, using drugs, getting into inappropriate and dysfunctional sexual relationships, pushing away everyone that truly cares for them, isolating themselves…..  Those people may be suffering from a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder ~ they may need professional help.  They may act like a lunatic.

People with even mild Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD),  do very strange things; they test the people who care for them by doing things which are really socially unacceptable ~ for example constantly being late, flirting inappropriately, expecting and needing gifts lavished upon them.  They have extreme reactions to the thought of being abandoned and / or rejected.

People with BPD have a propensity to enter into dysfunctional and unstable romantic and sexual relationships / have casual sex / cheat / commit adultery with monotonous regularity.  They tell themselves their sexuality is normal.  They are impulsive and have intense, highly changeable moods.  Paranoia, anger, ennui, and emptiness all come easily to those who have even the mildest touch of BPD in their psyche.

They tell themselves that they like being alone in their comfort zone

Suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is difficult, but the situation isn’t hopeless.  Recovery is possible, growth is certain, becoming a better person is the eventual reward for all that suffering.  I should know, I have been at the very Gates of Hell because for most of my life I suffered from undiagnosed and untreated BPD.

But now I know.  I know what caused me to push people away from me all my life; it’s a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder.  If you don’t get close to people they can’t hurt you, and if you push someone away hard enough that they leave you, well that just means you were right about them all along…..

Knowing Exactly what’s wrong with you is very liberating.  Knowing Exactly why you have suffered and are still suffering is even more liberating.  And, I know Exactly why I developed Borderline Personality Disorder.

When I was about four-and-a-half years old, the woman who loved me most, the woman who cared for me, got sick and died.  She was my nana, my maternal grandmother.  And nobody told me that she’d died, my parents didn’t explain, there was a wall of silence, and I thought she’d abandoned me because I wasn’t good enough.

That one event blighted my whole life ~ until now.

Some say that it’s good to be mean to the one who loves you, because if they stay with you it proves that they love you.  And, that if they leave you it proves that you were right to be mean to them all along.  All I know is that only the mentally ill can like being alone and lonely.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

You can get so that everything seems normal

even crazy, vicious, evil mood swings

even turning into a Mr. Hyde

9 responses

  1. […] laws, until you get into the world of quantum physics where things like spooky connections, (quantum entanglement), are the norm and not the […]

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  2. Don’t berate self Jack. Please do not be so hard on self. I am sorry for how you are feeling. Perhaps your parents knew you love nana so much that they insulated you from her passing. It was an act of protection perhaps.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. It’s a long, long time ago now. I need to get over it completely and move on. ❤ ❤

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  3. Your a bit harsh on yourself… I would never think you have BPD…. harsh, too harsh my friend 🙂

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    1. Thank you. ❤
      Probably I'm a recovering lunatic. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Just so your not alone… include me under the same title will ya… I am a Luniatic,.,. tooooooo

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I knew that, and I like that.
          I love strange, weird, different, independent, magical women. ❤ ❤ ❤

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Weird, Strange, I agree with different, ever so revolting, independent, well of course, magical unless I have a wand that I use perhaps.. could be a stick… women .. yup just checked I have those bits…. OMG, I am a Female..hehehe joking

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      2. Take a ticket my fiend……… or was that friend… shrug…. lunatic….. ha!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

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