You can’t do the job if you haven’t got the proper tools.
Yesterday I was very tempted to book a trip to Agadir in Morocco, even though I’ve just returned to England after my recent vacation on Crete. (You would like Crete.)
The Moroccan adventure would have been for a week, departing England on October 11th. The whole deal would have cost me less than it’s costing me to fly the Atlantic for my trip to New Mexico in early November. And, that upcoming trip is one reason I’ve decided not to take the Road to Morocco just now ~ I would probably have spent my whole time in Morocco thinking about going to New Mexico.
That, and the main reason for travelling right now is me not wanting to be here on my own, me escaping from what’s going on inside my own head, not wanting to face the fact that I’m the world’s biggest screw-up, me running away…..
I don’t think I’ve shared that each day I pray to my Goddess, and that I write these prayers on slips of paper about the size of a personal cheque, (check). I save these prayers, and each day I take an old prayer from the found vase I keep them in, and contemplate what I was saying in the past.
Today, the old prayer is from December 1st 2015; …..please help me to learn a way to stop finding the bad things in Life.
That is just as appropriate right now as it was then. I am still right back at square one.
In my life there has been heartache and pain. For most of my life I suffered from undiagnosed and untreated Borderline Personality Disorder ~ a seriously dangerous mental illness. For the past few years I have been striving diligently to be a ‘better man’. And, it would seem that I haven’t had that much success.
Here’s the thing, no matter how hard you try to achieve something, no matter what you do, you cannot succeed if you don’t have the right tools for the job.
Today I have come to realise that I don’t have the right tools to achieve enough significant personality changes to become the better man, the superior man.
And then Serendipity kicks in. This New Mexico retreat I am attending in November has the strapline From Chaos to Coherence ~ The Power To Thrive In Life Extremes. If you know anything at all about BPD, you will know that I go to extremes, but perhaps this retreat will put some more and better tools in my psychological toolbox.
Some say that all prayers are answered, but sometimes the answer is ‘no’. And, that if the only tool you have is a hammer then you see every problem as a nail. All I know is that if you’re fighting with the alligators, it’s difficult to remember that you’re supposed to be draining the swamp.
Right now the alligators are winning,
so fuck the swamp.