Confessions and Mistakes

How many bad decisions seemed like a good idea at the time?

Over the years I’ve made some really bad decisions.  From time to time I got angry and subsequently did some reprehensible things I now regret.   I have reacted with nasty spite when I should have stayed calm, and I’ve felt resentful for no good reason, which usually turned me into a dangerous Mr. Hyde or a rabid black dog.

And when he was good he was very, very good,  but when he was bad he was horrid.  ~  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Not every time things went badly pear-shaped was my fault.  Not every person I’ve hurt was an innocent bystander.  Some of the people I’ve had uncharitable thoughts about actually deserved my condemnation.  And there have been some people I wouldn’t cross the road to spit on.  But, and here’s the thing, all the time I was an angry, judgemental, resentful, dangerous bastard person, I was still suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, and / or, Bipolar Disorder.  I was always afraid, and I was always running away.

Add the whole lot together, all the anger, resentments, mental illness, and it’s not surprising that I used to be hypercritical, lacking in understanding, and totally unwilling to accept anyone who didn’t measure up to my warped standards.  It’s not surprising that from time to time I could hurt the ones I love.  Sometimes the only things I was good at was causing pain and heartache.

It only takes one word to hurt a woman, a matter of seconds, one stupid, impatient sting of the whip.  But winning back her trust takes years.  And sometimes there isn’t the time.  ~  Nina George

I have actually made a list of all the people I believe I have hurt over the years, (that’s the difficult step 8 in 12 step programmes), and thought about the what, why, when, how, where, and if of making amends to those people.  Of my original list I’ve crossed off some names, because I’m not a saint, so I’m not making amends to everyone I’ve wronged.  And, I’ve underlined some other names, of women I really do need to make immediate, meaningful, and lasting amends to.  (my Goddess Aphrodite and The Girl Riding Shotgun spring to mind.)  But as the quote from Nina George says, sometimes rebuilding trusting relationships takes years.

I have spoken in haste too often, spoken from negative and dark emotions too often, and been thoughtless too often.  But, the recent paradigm shift that I experienced from being way outside of my comfort zone for a week should mean that I don’t make those enraged mistakes again.

Some say there is no such thing as a mistake or a bad decision.  And that the consequences of a really bad decision are a learning opportunity.  All I know is that if I go off the rails there is going to be a painful disaster, and someone will get hurt ~usually including me.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Nobody likes to be with a dangerous jerk.

Be that guy, and be alone in the dark.

28 responses

  1. Phew, what a GREAT post and the comments are growth inducing. I also starred this one and was going to respond in a different venue than a comment, but got distracted by the mom. I’m sorry—
    This read was full of so many great things. I enjoyed your honesty and the light you are bringing to yourself. You are a good man. I know you are. xoxoxoxoxoxo

    Like

  2. Good post Jack. You know that you are not alone with your thoughts. Most men are obsessed about sex but rarely do many admit it. It is human nature for men to think about sex constantly. What they forget to do, is combine it with love, thoughtfulness and genuine companionship. Some relationships can start out just fine, but when obsessions overtake compassion and love, everything goes astray. Sex isn’t the enemy. Thoughts are. Changing your thoughts, changes everything! ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I try hard not to be obsessed with having sex with my Goddess,
      Often I fail. I think of having sex with her constantly. But what I want most is a deep and caring friendship.
      Sex is what I want, friendship is what I need.
      Thank you for commenting.
      ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This made me think about myself and the steps I need to be a better person. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am very pleased to be able to help you a little bit. ❤

      Like

    1. Thanks Robynbird ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. that is a relief sorry my hubby is a little obsessed with a few things.. and its doing my head in mainly because my thought process seems to be going over to his dark side.. and I am refusing to budge…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not so very long ago I used to spend a lot of time on my dark side…. ❤

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      1. Yeah, don’t like going to the park those “swings” really are not suited to me… however, men seem very happy to flex their personalities and those monkey bars they seem to be drawn to the most… What is with that? lol

        Liked by 1 person

        1. oh crap, it wasn’t that it was me.. I am a tool… not his fault mine.. never mind.. totally got that picture written incorrectly however, thanks..

          Liked by 1 person

    2. A lot of men just like to prove to the world that they really are macho. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, very much so and so they should however, there is a time when we all have to realise that … if all people where the same then of course our behaviour would be the same for example once when we where young… then we grow up and hopefully grow up and find out that we have actually grown so beautifully that those many years ago that once was isn’t now…. Then with the good graces of god we then see something a little different by those people that show us moments of how to live and love in a better mind frame than being selfish we find out that our mind set and our behaviour isn’t the same that we have grown into people that have a better stronger and more clearer understanding about how really to be real and centered and trustful by being your true authentic self removing all those selfish emotions like ego, pride, selfish behaviour, insecurities and see life with better glasses than being that younger self that only thought of their own needs… now think about the bigger picture… rewiring the brain is quite an art… if you only truly believed in yourself and a chose few if you are lucky enough

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I have only just realised, accepted, and understood who it is that I really am. ❤ ❤ ❤
          I like myself these days.
          I like you too. ❤

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Well, thank you, I really like your blogs about time someone on here puts something that I get.. well done lovely.. your a star 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

      2. I tell it like it is Sweetheart. Those that don’t like it can fuck off. Those that do I will cherish and adore. ❤ ❤ ❤

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      3. I like your comments, I like you, I am glad that I am getting to know you. ❤ ❤ ❤

        Like

  5. Oh, are you flirting? Well, I am married but we do share.. however, we do have well actually I have very significant lists.. that need to be actioned… lol joking

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not really flirting sweetheart,
      but you seem a cool lady.
      ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Not a gift as in receiving more like a gift for being a decent human being.. if you change your wording to those or yourself for understanding then those good decent people will gravitate to you .. like mwah 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have realised that nobody likes an supercilious jerk.
      Conversely most cool women like a really nice guy.
      These days, I am that good man. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmm, women these days have no idea what they really want… superfisial really, I noticed the dollar is important to them if they don’t have to work then they end up with someone that is taken for a ride.. and I feel that it is unfair.. and very selfish.. women in general will through their fellow sister under the bus.. where men well protection of their best friend is 101 much more loyalty towards man on man then women and that to me is a shame

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Candii, a gift offered in the expectation that I will get something in return is no gift – it’s a payment or a bribe. I’ve done that too many times in the past, given something nice to a woman in the expectation that I will get sex in return.

    I hope I am a better man than that now.

    Thank you for your thoughtful comments.

    ☺💞💞💞☺

    Like

  8. Sometimes when that selfish sentence is said, most are in fact many are always rewarded and always surprised because they never thought that being kind, open, and never expecting any expectations back … the unlimited and most surprising responses will blow your mind when you become you… sorry I really loved your post… you typed my beliefs.. thank you xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. When I’m good, I’m very very good…
      Glad that my post resonated with you.
      ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Beautifully written and honest, what else can anyone want in life but, to be what your designed to be and that is a decent honest human being who obviously feels deeply and learns as he grows..

    This is the key hun, if you don’t learn and try asking those questions that most don’t ask due to whatever, perhaps fear, rejection, loss, hurt, and even love broken then we will never emerge to be bettin in our short lives that we have been graced with thus far..

    I learned a valuable lesson and that is to listen, I learned to speak better using a language that others will understand clearly because that is very important to us and to others who require help… its life helping those that cannot help themselves..

    No wrongs that is correct they are learnings and experiences of potential understanding of what you didn’t already know before that is a rarity..

    I could tell you about loss, love broken, heart ache, feeling emotionally spent and most of all loneliness of ones self it’s never a wrong that needs to go back over … trust me.. I recently did to break a few bad rules I had that would not break.. and that was a beautiful kind and loving gift and I thank those him, it, the fish I didn’t catch god knows when… it changed my life… and made me Love, I want beautiful friendships of growth and I want live my potential however, I want to do this with others that I truly care about because my past was lonely and sad, and isolated and soul destroying… so do what you need and do it for you and how it will make you feel .. If by chance you do.. remember this nothing is ever set in stone so you must always do it without asking for anything in return.. xx some kind advise x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. When I’ve got things wrong, I’ve got things very very wrong indeed, and somebody gets hurt. If God is good then I’m the only one who will get hurt if I fall off the rails, but sometimes even God has a vicious streak.
      Thank you Sweetheart. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So, you got things wrong okay, so have we all, did u learn? then others and yourself got hurt okay, are you here and healthy and did you learn? if you dont at least try and live and do things and experience beauty then what is living? living is getting back onto that bike and doing it all over again.. this is life babe x

        Liked by 1 person

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