Naming My Fears

Paranoia; an extreme feeling that people are lying to me.

There is no such thing as paranoia.  Your worst fears can come true at any moment.  ~ Hunter S. Thompson.

We are all conditioned by our past.  We have all been conditioned by society.  We have all learned to be afraid.  Our parents, our carers, our siblings, and all of society taught us to be afraid.

We learned negative thought, and we learned character defects like; anxiety, cowardice, denial, distrust, evasiveness, frustration, guilt, hatred, immorality, insecurity, pessimism, possessiveness, promiscuity, self-pity, and worry.  All of these character defects are manifestations of fear.

It has been a massive shock to me to realise and accept just how afraid I have been for most of my life.

My greatest fear ~ fear of abandonment.  I was a small, premature baby, placed in an incubator immediately after birth.  Before I was five years old my maternal grandmother, my principal carer, left me.  She had passed away.

My second greatest fear ~ that people are lying to me.  My parents didn’t tell me that my nan had died, I thought she had abandoned me.  My parents’ lying by omission, and telling me half-truths, destroyed my capacity to trust anyone.

Half a truth is often a great lie.  ~  Benjamin Franklin

My third greatest fear ~ that I am not good enough, that I do everything wrong, that I am useless.  I thought my nan had left me because I had been a bad boy, that I just wasn’t good enough for her anymore.  Since then I have always felt second-best.

Because of that trauma in my formative years I have always been afraid of getting things wrong, and of being mocked for making mistakes.  I have been morbidly afraid of rejection, which has resulted in all of my relationships with women becoming utterly dysfunctional.  I am deeply afraid of developing a close relationship with an attractive and sexual woman.

Good girls go to heaven,  Bad girls go everywhere.  ~  Mae West

Because of my childhood trauma, I believe that every women I have had a close relationship with has lied to me, and I am afraid that negative belief also means that I cannot even know truth from falsehoods.  In my own life I attempt to be dedicated to the truth, but to be a truthful man in a world of liars is to live in a very scary place.  And, as we all know, everybody lies all the time.

Keeping secrets from someone is no different from lying to them.  It’s still dishonest.   And I am deeply afraid of dishonesty.

Perhaps due to the traumas I experienced before I was 5 years old, for most of my life I have suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a serious mental illness that brings with it it’s very own set of fears.  Happily, I am mostly in recovery from BPD.

Some say that we are all afraid of change because we fear the unknown.  And that our fears are there to protect us from really bad things happening to us.  All I know is that if I keep on doing what I’ve always done, then I’ll get what I always got.

I don’t believe in fate or destiny.  I believe in various degrees of fear, paranoia, and abandonment.  ~  Henry Rollins.

To recover from paranoia and fear I am working on healing the causes of my problems, rather than the symptoms.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

no matter how much you deceive yourself,

you have to know that she has always lied to you.

14 responses

  1. Oh Jack, I wish to wrap you in the tightest of hugs and take all the pain away. You are right and we are shaped from our past. From the experiences we had and the paths we choose. Some choose us and many things are out of our control, but not all. Society has become a rat race, a place to confirm with ever higher stakes. It’s a competition and nobody makes stop to propel themselves ahead even if it means to stab the next person in the back. It might be the majority of people and how things are heading, but there are also your people, the ones who feel like you and who are tired of the same things, while yearning for love, understanding and acceptance. Take a look at your circle, who are you pleasing, as the right people in your circle.
    I can understand how hard it can be to trust at times and out of fear we draw a wall to protect ourselves. But like you said if you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same results. Be brave my dear friend and attract the right people. Here are a few things to remember. He who doesn’t risk, doesn’t win. Innocent until proven guilty. I will never abandon you and you will always get the truths even if it’s ugly and you might not want to hear it. Sending much love your way. Xoxo💙🦋

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Eventually, even the dumbest of masculine men realises that there is more to living than anger, booze, envy, food, paranoia, resentment, sex, and sports. Except with me it was trying to become a really isolated warrior monk that occupied my time and what little energy I had left after wasting it on misery.
      My entire life had turned into a very complicated path towards slow suicide.
      I could be a very disagreeable and hateful person, and I protected myself and others from harm by isolating myself ~ but isolation feeds on paranoia like maggots on rotten meat.
      Things have changed for me, and I’m not certain it was me doing the work. I suspect I had help from elsewhere.
      If what I was used to be 99% dark, evil, resentment ~ then today I’m perhaps 50% a pretty cool guy. That’s a mathematical impossibility because It means I’ve improved my life by 149%. But, you know what? Fuck mathematical impossibilites, because today I feel like Roy Rogers riding off into a golden sunset. And sometimes I dream of better things.

      And how cool is that?
      ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It all sounds very punishing my dear friend and I don’t know if this is accurate self description or if you are just very hard on yourself.
        Either way, let me tell you that the Jack I know is pretty awesome and I’m glad to know him. Nobody is perfect but true friendship and love is accepting of everything and yo can’t hide that compassionate from me. I have seen it too many times. Much love to you my friend ❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This is amazing Jack. Confronting your trust issues has given you enlightenment into the cause and from there much healing will occur in your heart.

    Bi Polar Disorder and other mental depressions, anomolies have always fallen into the ‘disfunctional’ chatagory by our best mental health professionals. But that is an assumption based on insufficient knowledge of how the brain and physical body works.

    I have seen people with supposedly mental health problems, accurately read the mind of another person. Paranoia occurs when the unspoken thoughts of another person are picked up telepathically, and they are not necessarily nice thoughts. We all have this ability, but sensitive, highly aware people are more aware of it. They see the unseen.

    The key, Jack, is to use that ability to your advantage and not run away behind depression, guilt and anger.

    When you encounter a lie… tease it out gently, not with confrontation. This is best done by a mental projection of your own thoughts (As in thought bubble…”you are lying to me, I know the truth.”). You will be amazed at how all this works. The benefit is that you will feel at ease, there will be no confrontation (physically – which causes defence mechanisms to go up), and if the person is ‘worth their salt’ and worthy of your trust, you will find they tell you the truth eventually. If not, move on… They are truly not your friend!

    I am so proud of you finding the courage to look at yourself in such minute detail. I honour your space and send you love and light to find your way! 💟💟💟

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Category – ooh spelling gone awry! 😄

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Thank you, your wisdom, your compassion, and your empathy have given me much food for thought.
      Truly, when we embark on a journey to become self-aware and discover our innermost thoughts and feelings, then those first baby steps on the journey opens up a myriad of other paths, doors to even deeper parts of our being, and emotions we didn’t even know we had.
      Your love and your light support and cherish me.
      ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. everything starts from the feeling that you are not enough.. the biggest curse of the human being
    Glad you are on the way to recover 💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The road to enlightenment and inner peace is tortuous, long, and hard. But it’s worth making the attempt to walk the warrior’s path. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. A heartfelt open revelation of yourself to us and a brave act too! I felt the same with my MR EX as he taught me dishonesty and gave me the fear that no one can be trusted after knowing him. Such people come into our lives with painful lessons. Garfield hugs and I am sorry you went through all that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No worries I’m getting over it now. These days I dare to trust someone special more than just a little bit. ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It is hard to reveal something so personal and agonizing about one’s fears. Thank you for sharing! Hugs!
    I don’t know if it’s a fear but I find it hard to trust someone. I often feel like the person I put trust in is going to betray me or leave. So I try not to bother getting personal

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. ❤
      Writing and sharing that was very cathartic. Scary, but good. ❤ ❤
      Take courage and dare to get personal. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Like

      1. I try. but sometimes being alone is ok too

        Liked by 1 person

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