I am not my emotions

From time to time the darkness would overwhelm me.

It turns out that I am an emotional being, which is an unwanted paradigm shift for a taciturn and repressed English guy like me.  And yet, for much of my recent life I have been completely defined and driven by powerful emotions.

From time to time my psyche would spiral down a dark hole into a place where I became angry, jealous, manipulative, paranoid, resentful, unreasonable…  filled with negative thoughts and feelings.

These emotions would hit me out of nowhere, coming from deep within my subconscious mind, usually when my conscious guard was down ~ because I was tired, stressed, had been drinking, or someone close had lied to me, or perhaps just because something had gone slightly wrong in my life.

And these intense, darkly negative emotions could often drive a complete change in my personality, turning me from a rational and sociable man into an irrational and dangerous Mr. Hyde.

One thing you can’t hide ~ is when you’re crippled inside.  ~  John Lennon.

The reality is that intensely negative and darkly dangerous emotions are driven by fear, and in my case probably a paranoid fear of abandonment created by the Borderline Personality Disorder I have suffered from for most of my life.

Fear is powerful, deep, affecting the most primeval part of our psyche, what Freud calls the id.  And fear generates the equally powerful fight or flight reflex.  At my darkest I would fight by attacking people verbally and in writing, and run away into a bottle of booze.  Neither of these reflex actions was in the least useful to me.

What I needed was a strategy which allowed me to accept my negative emotions without allowing their destructive power to ruin my relationships and my life ~ wanting to find a suitable way to check out of life is not good.

What I needed was to be more emotionally stable and resilient.

It turns out that emotionally resilient people have some important things in common.  Emotionally stable and resilient people;

  1. Are Realists.  Grounded.  Optimists are soon disappointed and easily lose hope.  Realists make the best they can of the ‘Now’.
  2. Have Faith.  Believe in something greater than themselves, something greater than whatever bad situation they may find themselves in.
  3. Are extremely and radically creative.
  4. Have a support network of close friends, doctors, counsellors, 12-step groups…
  5. Have a great, but usually weird and warped, sense of humour.

These are all things that I could invent for myself.  I can grow and develop these character traits that actually exist in all of us.  Each day I have been able to further manifest these character traits within myself.  Every hour I have become more emotionally stable and resilient.

One ought to hold onto one’s heart; for if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head too.  ~  Friedrich Nietzsche.

Life goes on, and I do not have to allow my emotions to control me.

Although my emotions are an important part of me, I AM NOT MY EMOTIONS.

Some say that negative emotions have an important role to play in a happy life.  And that negative emotions are telling you that you need to change and transform yourself.  All I know is that you can turn things around and control how your emotions affect you.

Life does not have to be perfect to be good.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

4 responses

  1. Emotions are usually manifest as a result of experiences of the physical.
    The saying ‘you are what you eat,’ is pretty accurate. Emotions too are what we manifest as a result of the path we take.
    People looking for fast rewards, riches and satisfaction often face disappointment, poverty and dissatisfaction. Living the ‘now’ and enjoying the little things will bring you more joy than the ‘might have been’s,’ and the ‘what if’s.’
    The darkness is only there because you choose it Jack. Clear your vision and see that good stuff that is hiding behind the fear!😊💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know that I chose the dark path, maybe not consciously, but for a long while I was walking the hard toad towards Hades. Things are clearing for me a little now.
      Thank you for your thoughtful words. ❤

      Like

  2. Emotions are currents that flow through what Freud called the Id: their purpose is to provide meaning, both good and bad, to illicit Self introspection, planning, and action to overcome whatever woes are present. It sounds as if you are engaging the transitional part of your journey through the emotional landscape. Remember that gratitude for what’s there goes a long sway. Thank you for the post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment. you have given me much food for thought. And, I forgot about gratitude for my emotions.

      Liked by 1 person

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