the long dark midnight of the spirit

Time is an illusion; Happy Hour doubly so.

There was once a time when I was very good at altering the Cosmos I lived in to match up with the way I wished it to be, rather than the way it truly was.  For most of the time I could pretend that things were much better for me than they really were, but no illusion can last forever.  Ergo, every once in a while stark reality crashed through the violet light of my fantasy, and each time that happened was more painful than the one before.  It got so that the only ways I could find to escape the pain of reality were even more destructive than suffering the pain.

My life was mostly getting worse.

I did have good times, and the good times could last for hours, days, weeks…  But even my good times were falsehoods, illusions.  I would shape reality to match my own attitudes, perceptions, and preconceptions.

Reality is an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.  ~  Albert Einstein

Maybe that’s OK for some, but not for me, not with all my psychological problems.  I was shaping my reality to cope with my own defects of character, and that isn’t living, that is just a different kind of escape into just another nightmare.  And every nightmare was worse than the one before, until eventually I was suffering the long dark midnight of my spirit.  And midnight is not the darkest hour.

The darkest hour is just before the dawn.  ~  Thomas Fuller

No matter how far I had fallen, there was still much farther I could fall, unless I chose another way.

A little while ago, and with a little help from a close friend, it became plain that I needed to find new ways of thinking, doing, and being.  I had to stop running away and trying to join the circus:~ wherever I went, whatever I did, I always took myself with me.

I had to stop being Mr Know It All, and I had to find a way to stop myself from becoming Mr. Hyde.

Perhaps I have found something, a new way of being.  Perhaps I have found a way to make meaningful and lasting changes in my life.  It’s not going to be a one-time thing, and my future is not going to be easy, but then most of my past was fucking terrible.  So, my choices are simple; freedom from pain and suffering for myself and all those around me, or walk the dark path down into hell again?

Some say that a good friend will help you to move.  And, that a very good friend will help you to move a dead body.  All I know is that I don’t want that body to be mine ~ not for a good while yet.

If, as Einstein says, the Cosmos is really an illusion, then it follows that happiness is a choice ~ that most people can be just as happy as they choose to be.

Today and tomorrow I choose happiness over misery.

I choose sunlight over the dark moon at midnight.

~

jack collier               jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

10 responses

  1. Hey, hope you are doing well.

    I invite you to read a post of mine where I am gathering links of warriors facing mental health challenges 1st hand to educate people, to raise awareness and acceptance.

    I need help from you in fighting stigma.

    Here is the link to post..
    https://stoneronarollercoaster.wordpress.com/2018/04/27/mental-health-awareness/

    Your participation can change life of someone.

    Thank you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is encouraging to read. I’ll follow along your lighted path- you will blaze a new trail and it will be a good one.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. When dreams finally come true they are always better than we imagined.
      Hugs Kris. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I need to find some dreams.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hope and genuine joy bubbling up in me after reading these words. Bon courage!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your kind words give me strength to carry on with this work. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Amazing writing. You are truly talented.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you sweetheart. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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