Make a New Plan

Never let failure break your heart, tomorrow is another day.

There comes a time when one needs to close the book on the past.  Things have changed for me – or rather I have admitted to myself that the world has changed around me.  More than that, I have accepted that my whole world was nothing more than a fantasy of my own creation.  My innermost wants, needs, desires, lusts, and obsessions have turned out to be nothing more than a chimera.

Reality has set in, and accepting reality has been a painful experience for me.  I feel very much a complete failure.

For months I have been trying to maintain an illusion, and taking this vacation in California has shattered my illusions.  I have realised that I can never have the life I thought I wanted, that I can never have the relationship I thought I wanted and needed.  I have admitted to myself that I have been trying to change reality into a fairytale.

Trying again and again to change what is into what I want is insane.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  –  Einstein

Therefore, what I need is a new plan.

The snag is, I don’t have one.

The upside is, I have realised that I’m a the bottom of a deep hole, and it’s time to stop digging.  My Life may feel like utter hell right now, but I’ve been here before, and I know that I can find my way out of here.

All I need to do is work out where the road out of hell begins.

 –

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

 

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21 responses

  1. It takes a lot to realise that we are on the wrong path and a lot of guts to change it. You will find a way through it but I know that sometimes it feels impossible too. Hold tight..

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    1. It’s all a bit fraught at present, but things are getting better every day.
      Thank you for commenting ❤❤❤

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  2. Isn’t it crazy how we never ever stop growing up and changing? I keep thinking I might actually find a time where I can rest and be at peace, but life keeps tossing crap in front of me to dodge or wear or wade thru. For better and mostly for worse.
    I think of you often, Jack, I worry about you and send my thoughts and prayers to where you might be. You are in my heart, dear man. xoxoxoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I believe that when we stop changing, growing, and developing – that’s when we atrophy and begin to die inside. But sometimes the process of change is unbelievably painful.
      Thank you for your kindness.
      Love and Hugs to you. ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I often think of seeds. Seeds have to BREAK thru a shell to begin to grow up. And some of those seeds end up giant plants/trees/bushes. All of that potential inside a small thing. Our potential is just as great. If only we can let ourselves break and become new.

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  3. I had quite the revelation not long ago. It isn’t the challenges in life that disappoint me or make my life difficult. I do that myself by fighting against what the Universe or God or whatever it is trying to point me in a new direction or set me on a path where I really should be headed. I think the things that we are challenged with are really there to say “hey, why not try something different” or “you asked for it so here it is, it isn’t my fault it doesn’t match your expectations, so change your expectations”. All too often my fear of not knowing what will happen has me fighting it tooth and nail wearing me out mentally, emotionally and spiritually. In the end it happens anyway. I’m done with fighting it. Which means I’m done with closing myself off to the possibilities and just going with seeing what happens. I hope you find a new plan that works for you even if it is no plan at all and just seeing where life goes from here. ❤ ❤ ❤ ~Patti

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    1. You know what? I’m sick of being a ‘whipping boy’ and it stops right here and right now.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good! No one should be a “whipping boy”. Don’t let others treat you that way and don’t treat yourself that way. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh dear Jack, I have just read your last few posts. I hope your head and face are healing up?

    I am not always here (on WordPress), but reading about your recent Orange County, California trip (and between the lines), I think you need to do some deep reflexion on your life. Anger is exuding from your posts, as well as pain. Why do you get so drunk that you say and do things that hurt (both yourself and others)?

    Your anger issues need some cold hard light on them. You cannot cover them up with the fluffy warm sentiments of wanting everyone else to fit your perfect plan and losing it when they don’t. It doesn’t create a relationship.

    Before you can change, you need to know what it is inside of you that makes you react so negatively. You need to ask your self the hard questions like, ‘Do I want a woman who looks and dresses like a sexy prostitite, but is really a calm and intelligent angel of Mercy? ‘ If your honest answer to that is ‘yes,’ then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Do you respect and honour your women friends? If the answer has caveats then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

    Jack, you need to truly ask yourself what you want from a relationship, beyond sex, beyond having a nice looking girl on your arm and beyond wanting her to worship you and you be her protector. None of those things are the reality of a relationship that makes for good partners in life. There are other, more subtle things that make for good partnerships and to be one side of a partnership, you need to be able to give of yourself, and right now you can’t. Even your term ‘ the girl riding shotgun,’ is dismissive and patronizing! You make her sound like a hitch hiker and a one-night stand!

    Jack, my dear. Go have a bit of counselling and find the cause of your inability to relate to what another may need. You have little to offer until you find the real you underneath all the hurts and injustices that you feel have plagued your life. It is not impossible to have a dig around in your own heart and find what gives you joy. Do that and allow time for healing. No one else will be able to give you that comfort because you close off all access to your heart with your anger. 💔💞

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    1. There is a good reason that my friend is only known as ‘the girl riding shotgun’ – she does not want to be identified or identifiable at all.

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      1. ‘Mi Amore,’ or something similar would be a much more flattering term Jack….with no identification necessary.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Shattering of illusions is indeed very painful. Yet a day day Choice is powerful …it leads in to the true miraculousness of life. It is waiting for us at the end of the tunnel – that looking back we see does not exist. Keep going willingly for all the goodness that is available and it will keep coming. I wish you peace, ease and joy on the way.

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    1. Opening a new page means that it is still to be written upon, and I get to choose what to write. What I need to do first I’d decide what to write about. I need to change my attitudes and my preconceptions before I dare even think about writing on the next page of my life. ❤

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      1. It comes on its own when we become willing …it comes.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. As they say in Berkeley, “namaste.” People usually have the right ‘advice’ within. The best therapists get one to reflect about one’s self to seek and discover one’s own truth. You appear to be doing just that, so you’re further ahead than you think (well, again, that depends what you bill yourself 🙂 Best wishes always.

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    1. Right now the bill is heavy with items I didn’t think I wanted. Finding my personal truth may take a little work. I seem to have been spreading it all a bit thin. 💝

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  7. Exactly so! Reset the sat nav 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Reset my life. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  8. The only way out is through.
    Make you own road. You got this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m just a little turned around, but I’ll find my way soon. 😎

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You know what Peter Pan said, “All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” 
        Have faith and trust yourself, sir. I’ll send you a bit of pixie dust.

        Liked by 2 people

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