Contrition and Confession

The dark side of me is waiting with malevolent patience.

I have forgotten all the important things I have learned about living a good life.  Over the past few days I have not been focused on the present.  I have not been calm and understanding.  I have not been willing to accept, acknowledge, and deal with my emotions, feelings, and thoughts.

Over the past few days all the negatives in my psyche, and all of my character defects have been ruling my life.

In the last week or so I have turned to my dark side.  I have not been the good Dr. Jekyll, instead I have been the evil Mr. Hyde.

There is probably a lot more bad stuff I could confess to.  Today I will think about how I have been, write it down, and try to find a way to make amends.

In my wallet I carry a note of my own version of the Buddha’s Four Noble Truths:

  1. Life is difficult and painful.
  2. The causes of my problems and pain are my own cravings, desires, lusts, and my blaming of others.
  3. I can’t change what happens to me, but I can change what I do.
  4. The path to freedom from suffering is through self-discipline in body, mind, and spirit.

The first is the only one of these Four Noble Truths I have willing to accept.

My emotions, feelings, and thoughts have become unmanageable.  I have been angry and judgemental – at the edge of insanity.

But, there was someone watching over me who has started me back onto the road to recovery; back onto the warrior’s path.  I am very grateful to her.

Today I will do better.

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

I cannot change the past, but I can do better in the present and in the future.

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23 responses

  1. Plans often don’t work. I like the follower above who said to not make plans. Although, sometimes you HAVE to. Maybe we shouldn’t expect anything from those plans?
    Gotta look for those light bits and let them shine!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shit happens. It’s how we deal with it that matters. Just lately I’ve been really bad at dealing with the crap life sends my way. My coping strategies have been non-existent.
      I need to do much better. 💖

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You and me and probably the dog next door. hugs and kisses, dear man!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You are lucky to have somebody look after you . Help in your path of life. Many walk the path life alone . One wrong step get you lost. Treasure your friends seem good people looking out for you .

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We all have our dark moments, for me, fear gets the better of me, makes me lose my mind, my sanity. It isn’t until I feel safe again that I’m able to think clearly again. Different kinds of fear make me react differently, become something I wish I never was. I try to make amends by using the experience to help me become a better person, then slam something happens that makes me question whether I learned anything at all or if I was just living the life of the great pretender. It takes small steps instead of giant leaps to make the changes we desire. The hard part is to not be fooled by what appears to be giant leaps forward. I think they only exist to make fools of us. It is the baby steps that will carry us forward and make us into what we really need to be. Take care Jack. My thoughts are with you, hoping your vacation will become what you want it to be. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Sweetheart. My vacation is getting better – but it’s never going to be the vacation I really wanted.
      I need to make a new plan. 💖💖💖

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I would say come visit us here in BC but that would be a bit presumptuous of me. Sometimes the best plan is to have no plan at all. If one has no expectations then there are no expectations to be disappointed about when they don’t come about. Find one of those old fashioned maps, tape it on a wall, throw a dart at it, jump in your car and drive there. See what you see along the way. Don’t let the past get in your way. ❤ ❤ ❤ ~Patti

        Liked by 2 people

  4. We all have days such as these. All we can do is try to improve.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sadly, I’ve had too many of those days lately.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Perhaps you need someone to talk to. Talk to a doctor, it may be a simple case of chemical imbalance in your system.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for everything you’ve done for me. ❤❤
      I’ve trashed a couple of my posts. Sometimes things should be unsaid.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. So much love to you.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Every day is a new start, hurrah!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Just for now I’m taking things just a minute at a time.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Yes, you are doing better already!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Maybe it’s about time that I started to ‘man up’.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. A warrior through and through, rise up Knight and defeat the darkness ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Ha! I’ve been a jerk. I hope that’s all past me now.
      Thank you for everything. ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. thoughts become things, choose the good ones, even in how you see yourself. If you surround with negative, you’ll receive more of the same. Think positive and good things happen when least expected, just expect the good things Jack ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I have been reading your blog posts over the past couple of weeks, but from my email reader. They have been heartbreaking and sad to read, and I have wanted to comment before, but didn’t really know what to say. I am pleased to see this post, a sign of light. I hope you can enjoy more of the days you have left in the Californian sun xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much. I needed a wake-up call to pull me back to reality, and I was lucky enough that an old friend was honest with me.
      💖

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Really pleased to hear that. Look after yourself xx

        Liked by 1 person

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