Feeling Good isn’t Good

If you’re feeling good then nothing else should matter.

Like many who have had an abnormal Fear of Abandonment due to suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, I have been very used to feeling bad.  Alcohol abuse, anxiety and depression, anger, low self-esteem, relationship problems, suicidal thoughts, problems trusting anyone, fear, disgust, sadness…  In the past I knew all of these bad feelings intimately.  My whole world was a pale, dead, dark moon.

The nadir of my misery was on December 11th 2017, when I suffered from mental, psychological, and spiritual distress that was almost unbearable.  I felt as though I was having a mental breakdown ~ that my mind was broken and my soul was destroyed. I was physically, mentally, psychologically, and spiritually afraid.  I was afraid that I was becoming a lunatic.

That is not a good feeling.  But then, I was very used to feeling very bad.

The Christmas and New Year’s holidays came, and things were a little better.  Once you have hit your rock bottom, then the only way should be up.  It doesn’t work like that.  Below your rock bottom is another, lower, more hellish rock bottom.

I know because at the New Year I caught influenza, and I did become a lunatic due to a fever caused by the virus.  I don’t quite know what I did during the couple or three weeks I was deathly ill, except that I had strange visions and imaginings.  I remembered things that never happened, and I remembered real events, and each memory taught me a lesson.  Each memory lifted some evil from my mind and my soul.

Today I feel pretty good.  And I’m struggling to cope with feeling good.

They got scared when they started feeling good, just because it was so unfamiliar.  Like chronic prisoners facing release from their cells.  ~  Lisa Alther.

When you are used to being Mr. Hyde, it’s a struggle to be a good guy.  It’s difficult to love and trust when you are used to never trusting anyone.  It’s hard to take a chance on people, even with someone you told yourself you cared for, when you never took a chance on anyone, ever.  When you are used to feeling disappointment, anger, resentment, suspicion, distrust ~ when you are used to being Mr. Hyde ~ it’s scary to focus only on the good things.

I’m very uncomfortable with good feelings because I am so unused to feeling really, truly, genuinely fine.  I wake in the morning and I distrust the fact that I feel good.  I am expecting crushing disappointment, sooner or later, because I don’t expect these good feelings to last.

But I’m doing all right today, and step by step things are getting better for me, and for those I care for.

I have a strategy.  I know I will have bad thoughts, bad feelings, and a temptation to return to my old ways of misery.  I can accept feeling bad, but I no longer have to let feeling bad take over my life again.  I can accept the bad thoughts for what they are, my old demons trying to drag me down to another hellish rock bottom.  I never need to let that happen again.

Today, tonight, and tomorrow I can focus on feeling good.  Feeling bad is a choice I need never make again.  In future I will choose to feel good.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Spencer Tracy as Mr. Hyde

 

17 responses

  1. Jack, I had no idea and I’m so sorry my dear friend. I’m glad you are getting better and you better get used to it. Although we all have our times, no-more hellish rock bottom for awhile ok? You deserve to feel good even if it’s unfamiliar. Start believing in it. I am glad you are here and I thank you for always making a difference for me. Much love and hugs my dear friend. 🦋💙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Love and good wishes to you. ❤
      It is true. I have hit rock bottom, and believed that the only way was up, only to find there was yet another hellish rock bottom below the one I had already reached.
      I don't want to go there again.
      Hugs from Marmaduke and me. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad to hear it Jack. You know I have grown quite fond of you and I’m grateful for your friendship. Please take care of yourself. ♥️♥️♥️

        Like

      2. Thank you. You have made me smile.
        ❤ ❤ ❤

        Like

  2. I know most of those feelings oh so well. When things are going well, it is difficult to allow myself to enjoy it because I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and things to plummet down again. I wish you much luck with your strategy of not letting the bad take over your life and your choice to feel good. I wonder why it is so easy to let bad take us down and smother us. I wish you much strength and happiness, Jack. ❤ ~Patti

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Patti. I know that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am trying to see the good things, rather than just expecting the worst. I wish you well. ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, Jack. I too am working on trying to see the good things. It is so easy to slip back into those old habits that I’ve lived with for years and years. I wish you well too. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I am glad to hear that you are feeling better but so sorry it was so bad. Incredibly open and honest words from the heart.
    Get better and take good care! x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think I’m on the up and up now. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Am glad to hear ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for such an honest post. I hope you manage your feelings and feel good more often – and enjoy that feeling!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind thoughts. ❤

      Like

  5. A powerful, thoughtful post. Thanks for sharing this – it’s not always easy to share things that reveal who we really are. Well done – cuisine for thought.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I decided I would be honest and open, for a change. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Aww I am sorry to hear that Jack! Feel better and take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Sweetheart. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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