Begin A New Beginning

In every life there will be some troubles.

Recently I was pretty ill with the flu.  In between feeling very poorly, and very tired, my feverish mind wandered to some very strange places.  I vividly remembered things from the past, and some of those memories were  false,  but even the false memories had a lesson for me.

In my fevered imaginings I realised that I had often been judgemental, unforgiving, and aggressive.  That I measured people by my own standards, morals, and mores.  If I thought a person had hurt me, or intended to hurt me, or didn’t measure up to what I thought was acceptable standards of behaviour, then I was quite likely to attack that person.  I could become a real Mr. Hyde character.  That applied especially if I told myself that I cared about the person concerned.

In my fevered imaginings I realised that my judgemental, unforgiving, and aggressive behaviour was totally unacceptable.  Not only that, it didn’t achieve anything good, and it didn’t make me happy ~ it didn’t make anyone happy.

In fact, being a judgemental unforgiving perfectionist made me so unhappy that from time to time I would try to escape my misery by drinking far too much booze.  As you would expect, getting drunk didn’t make me happy either.

In fact, drinking just made everything much worse.  Every single time I’ve touched booze in the past few years something extremely, irredeemably bad has happened.  Every single time I’ve had even one drink I began a downward spiral which inevitably lead me to becoming Mr. Hyde.

It didn’t take fevered imaginings brought on by the flu to make me realise that I needed to make a new beginning.  On December 11th last year I had the worst mental, psychological, and spiritual day of my life.  My mind was broken and my soul was destroyed.  I knew back then that I needed to change or there wasn’t much point in my being anything other than a lonely recluse.  If I wanted a good life, then I needed to begin a new beginning as a kinder, stable, more reliable, more likeable man.

My mental health was at stake, I needed to change or continue on the downward spiral to the rock bottom of total lunacy.

I have changed, and it was both very difficult and very easy.  The easy part is that all I need to do is stop being a judgemental unforgiving perfectionist.  Stop thinking the worst of people, stop imagining that the people I care for are trying to hurt me, and stop dwelling on the past.  As I said easy.

The very difficult thing is that making a fundamental change to one’s own personality means overturning one’s core beliefs and values ~ and that’s hard.  It means reconsidering what’s important in life.  It means letting go of old attitudes, old habits, beliefs, outdated goals, even one’s old Life’s Purpose.  It means changing how we think about relationships, love, and life.

However, we can create anything we want, if we want it enough.

Einstein said; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.

I needed to do things differently.  I needed to begin a new beginning.  I firmly believe I have started on a different and better road.  I don’t think I’m a lunatic anymore.


jack collier

11 responses

  1. yay Jack, you’re learning and expanding your mind in new and good ways. Kudos and keep up the awesome work my friend ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your good wishes. ❤ ❤ ❤ Maybe it's about time I got my act together.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. you will find your peace Jack, it’s just inside waiting to be found like a great gift that’s free, alls it asks is for you to sit with it, study it and embrace all of the changes, good and bad ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m happy you are feeling better and have begun a new, exciting journey! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Good wishes from a mermaid are always appreciated. ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Am glad you are starting to feel better. I was sad thinking of you and Marmaduke alone and sick up the Garret. (Although, to be honest, I’m glad I wasn’t there to help you feel better!!! I do not want this nasty flu you were hit with!)
    Thinking about growth and reflecting on where you are and where you might be going is one of the hardest things a person can honestly do. It does hurt and excising those sore spots can only make things better in the long run. hugs and kisses, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This process, and realising how much of an aggressive judgemental perfectionist I was, and how much I have to change is difficult. But it’s all long overdue. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is scary….Heart you!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Self-reflection can be scary and painful, but they do turn out to be useful if we’re honest with ourselves. But beyond that – take care of yourself, that flu this year is certainly nothing to sneeze at. (sorry – that was an awful pun!!).

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Great pun, but then I’m English.

      Liked by 1 person

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