The most poisonous people come disguised as friends.
Some say that I’m an egotistical fake, and that all my problems are caused by my own lies and character defects. All I know is that I’m working very hard to be a better guy.
I took a walk outside early this morning, down by the sea where I usually find solace and serenity. The snow and wind were in my face, and the seashore was shrouded by a cold mist. Today there was no tranquility for me. My soul feels hurt, hungry, and lacking in love for myself. All I feel is regret and sorrow. What I could see of the surf was angry and accusatory.
Some would say that I’m a prisoner of my own ego, and that my personal identity is driven by conceit and self-importance. All I know is that it’s sometimes difficult to get through the next 24 hours, and then the 24 hours after that.
Sometimes I was a fake just to cope with life. BPD can do that to you.
What I’m trying to say is that I need to get my life in order ~ start to be honest with myself and everybody else, become reliable and trustworthy, stop being hurtful and aggressive at the drop of a hat… Perhaps then there can be some trust in friendships and I can begin to have real relationships with sensible people. I need to consider the feelings, needs, desires, wants, and commitments of others. I need to give more and take less. I need to change my ways.
It’s OK for me to want what I want, but becoming a fake to get it is abhorrent.
Some say that if nothing changes, then nothing changes. And, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. All I know is that this post is the start of something different for me.
All prayers are answered, but sometimes the answer is difficult.
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